Musings From a Idle Educator

Due to Hurricane Isaac that blew through here a week ago, my school has been "on vacation" for a full week and going into its second. Most would welcome a break such as this, but, for me, it's been tedious to say the least. We spent the better part of the week without power in the New Orleans late-August heat, and when we finally did get it back on, spent the latter part of that time trying to clean the mess we discovered we had made. Still, though, it was a time for me to stop for a little while and be still. (I had no choice.) Truth be told, I came to enjoy no power. The windows were open and, though it was humid as could be, there was something in that which brought me back to childhood and warm breezes blowing in my bedroom window, as the scent of peonies drifted in and lulled me to sleep. There were no peonies, but the hint of something simpler was indeed. I couldn't help but imagine what it must have been like for people in this area before the days of air conditioning and tvs and computers. Stripped of all that, what was left to do? And I relished it. The time also gave me time to reflect on life lately. We still have no church that we are attending, but slowly we are beginning to heal, though I doubt we will ever look at "church" the same way. I did realize, though, that the things that connected me most to my lovely Jesus had gotten buried under a layer of busyness and being "plugged in." When was the last time that I simply sat down to write and let my imagination create a tapestry of word meanderings? When was the last time I slowed down enough to let my thoughts carry me away into a world of talking trees and dancing grasses? When was the last time I prayed? "Uh oh" was pretty much all that came to mind. So here I am, taking a few minutes before I have to go in to another school in order to have a meeting to find out what the plan is for the week and getting our school year back after this Isaac train wreck. I've got my Civil Wars album on (always conjures up something fun in the back of my mind). I've got a view of the empty lot across the street, which is about as close to nature as I'm going to get any where near our house. And I've got legitimate mosquito bites that create an annoyance every 5 seconds, but are evidence that I have actually spent time outside in the recent past. And still, I have trouble developing a though. I have determined that I am several creative types, without the skills developed to actually call myself any of those things. I'm a musician, without the time to hone the skills or buddy with which to play. I'm a writer without a developing thought. I'm an artist without a steady hand. I'm a seamstress who can't seem to figure out how to keep the bobbin on the machine. What do you do when everything creative is screaming inside of you and there is no way to release it? Apparently, I give up, only to end up huddled into a ball, crying on my floor. When I grow up, I want to do something well.

The Hauntings of the Trees

I've been sucked into dreams of running through trees, hearing the insects buzz in their melodious choruses. Dreams that have haunted me in the day time, stirring a desire for these specters to become reality. My stomach pulls itself into knots, as if it, too, is demanding to be pulled back into the dreams that have caused me to resent falling asleep, only because when I wake, I awaken to where I really am.
It could be that I've given myself time to delve into my imagination through fiction books again. Or that it's Spring. It could be the smell of my laundry after it's been on the clothesline. Or the feeling of dirt under my fingernails and the smell of mud after the rain. It might even been the mountain air songs that have been dancing around in my head, lullabies that haven't taken a true form yet, but offer their silvery harmonies.
I've even become obsessed with words again.

I ache for these things that are out of my reach. Things that distance has taken me from, or ability and talent. In any situation, the things that I ache for are currently not in my grasp and keep elusively skipping away from me.

I feel constantly claustrophobic in the city. The air stifling and musty, receiving my only relief when I enter into the closed darkness of our cool, airconditioned home. And even then, I know that I am sacrificing the true remedy--the fresh air and cool breezes found only away from the black topped roads and sunnily painted houses, as if they are compensating for something, blackness lurking in their hallways.

I bounce between loving this place and despising it. Loving it, only because it is where I am and where I am to be. Hating it because it pulls me away from where I feel I am made to be. Hating it because I can't ever seem to fully love it, so what is the alternative? I am not a creature of luke-warm attachments.

So it's been a long while...

Hello Friends!

I'm not even sure if I have some correct email addresses, but I thought I would give this a try, since it's been so long since I wrote an update or heard from many of you! I'm sitting in the purgatory of jury duty, where you have to wait but you don't know if you're on a jury yet, giving me plenty of time to sit down and write this.

I hope December finds you well. I can't believe we are already at the end of another year. And I can't believe that I've been in New Orleans for almost 3 years.

I've noticed that my life moves in sets of three years. Every three years, I undergo some unbelievable change in life that sets me on a new road for life. In 2002, I graduated from High School and started my years at UW. In 2006, I had a major awakening to the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. And in 2009, I started my adventure in New Orleans. The year 2012 is the next in the series of three, and I am nervous and excited for the possibility of continued change.

Michael and I are doing well. Some of you may or may not have heard about our fall out with the church we were attending. It's a long story, but we are still recovering and healing from that experience. Needless to say, we are a little down on church right now, but excited about finding a community in the Church. We are finding more and more people who are fed up with the leadership of many of the churches in this area and in need of going back to basics. We are not sure what that is going to bring, but we are sure that God has something that He is brewing up. Please continue to pray for healing for us, though, that we might forgive the community that hurt us. It has been a struggle, and I find myself, in particular, much more bitter about it than Michael does.

Michael is doing well. He stays very busy with his constant changes in positions at work. He is incredibly adaptable and so the bank that he is working for now (and for the past year and a half) moves him around. They are a small, local bank, growing themselves into a larger bank with more modern approaches. It's a pretty cool position for him, as he is so gifted in so many areas and he gets to utilize all of those talents that God has given to him. Other than that, he does a lot of projects around our house, attempting to merge our styles into one home. He loves very modern, and I'm much more quaint and whimsical...making our house a conundrum to figure out. We are still living in Central City, attempting to love on our neighbors. It's slow going, but we are seeing some pretty awesome changes in the neighborhood, for the better. It's even been a couple of months since I heard gunshots! One of our neighbors, who had some bad experiences in the church, is even reading one of our books about serving the poor well, by a man called Bob Lupton. He is one of our models for what we are trying to do in the neighborhood and his books are fully of awesome stories about how he messed up neighbordhoods and succeeded in helping to bring love and redemption to other neighborhoods. They're great, shorter books, and if you are interested in what we are trying to do, you should give them a read. One thing that we do know is that we are going to be here for a while.

That is one thing that I have been struggling with since we moved down here. I long for winters and changes in seasons. I long for mountains and woods and places to play outside. I worry about our future children not having green space to run around in. I worry about the friends they will make and if they will be safe. My selfishness is battling with my heart and the knowledge that serving God is not easy. It's not comfortable. And I need to learn to be ok with that. I think far too often we forget that truly following Christ should hurt us. It should diminish who we are and what we think we want for our lives until there is nothing left but Christ's love and plan for redemption. And we we open our lives up to that possibility, we can see so many awesome things. We are welcomed into a part of His plan for the redemption of the world.
What a beautiful thing to be a part of...It is not just about me and spending eternity with Him, but rather that the whole world could spend eternity with Him, if we just gave up our selfish endeavors for the sake of Him.

I struggle with it every day. It hurts. I cry often about it. But I know in the end, this will all be worth it because I will be able to stand with my neighbors rejoicing in and saying "Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty!"

Anyway, little tangent there...

School is going well. Turns out, I'm actually pretty decent at this whole teaching thing. :) God has blessed me with talent in this area. I have no claim over my abilities because there are far more people who should be better than me. I have adapted well to the tasks at hand and managed to not freak out under the pressure too much. My kids are doing well and growing and truly have opportunities now that they would never have had if they would have remained in the schools they were attending. We see miraculous changes in some of these kids that is nothing short of the hand of God.


I hope you all are well and enjoying this holiday season! I would love to hear from any and all of you!

Love you all,
Rae

Just keep digging that hole deeper...

So I've tried to stay out of this issues as much as possible, but after a few conversations, I can't really seem to keep my mouth shut anymore.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING IN WISCONSIN!?

As a teacher, I feel I have a place in giving my opinion on this topic.

First of all, to anyone who says that teachers make too much money or don't do a good job, I invite you to fly to New Orleans and teach my class for a week. Let's see if you survive. I will thoroughly enjoy watching you attempt to do my job. It is a skill and a craft that can only be developed and never perfected. Yes, teachers can always improve, but so can our civil engineers and lawyers.

Next, I have to say that I am severely disappointed in many people's reactions to this. What ever happened to "Give to Caesar what is Caesar and give to God what is God's." I believe that this is the exact scenario in which that parable was used, was it not? Yes, there is something to be said for standing up for rights, for sticking up for the little guy. But when dissension like this is created, can we really say that this is "what Jesus would do?"
I know all of the Madison-ians get a kick out of storming the Capitol like the Bastille, and I even enjoyed it from time to time, but having gotten to view this situation from a distance, I can't help but wonder if that is truly what a Biblical stance would look like. Especially when the teacher absences are creating even more debt, and oh, yeah..that little thing that is AFFECTING OUR CHILDREN THAT WE ARE THERE FOR ANYWAY.

What in the world has happened? Is it actually that difficult for us to just relax and know that God is in control of this situation? That He is the sovereign God of the universe that He created? That He cares more for us than any sparrow?

But what do I know? I'm just a born and raised in Wisconsinite who is now a teacher in New Orleans. I don't have any clue what I'm talking about...

Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget what the breezes felt like on my long rambles in Wisconsin. More than anything else, it scares me most when I can't remember the joy of those rare southerly winds blowing wildly across the farmlands and over the hills.
Sauntering seems to not exist in this city. Aside from the safety issues of zoning out while you are walking by yourself, the city doesn't give itself to the wildness of the world like it does in Wisconsin.
We are coming home soon for a short while and when we do, I plan to take in my fill of the snow covered hills and the still quietness of the snowfalls at night. It seems like a dream, the night that 3 of us went wandering into the woods to cut down a Christmas tree, and as we did, lost each other and didn't seek to find one another. We just played alone amidst the trees and the bright darkness that comes with the moon reflecting off the snow.
How I miss the seasons changing and marking the years and time as it passes! There is nothing but the same down here. And though I know this is where I am for a while, I can't help but wonder if that part of my heart that I left with the Wisconsin land will ever return to me, for there are many beauties and wonders here also, but they seem to not replace the sanctity of the Falling leaves or the floating snowflakes or the bubbly clouds right before a storm.
Return me to that place someday, I can only pray.


...I've been reading way too much Thoreau.

The patterns in the trees

I decided to take some time to write. It's been a very long time since I've been able to just sit down and do this, but I'm taking the time to do it. I wish it hasn't been as long as it has been. I'm sure you all have had great changes within the time: it seems that everyone is popping out babies or getting married up there! I try to keep up with it a bit on Facebook, but would really love to hear what is new with all of you!

Life as a teacher in a classroom all on my own is proving to be a challenge. My class is amazing, though. I love them, though I am pretty sure that I fail to show that a good chunk of the time. There is absolutely NO time, however, to yourself when you are a teacher. I eat lunch standing up, I spend my nights writing lesson plans and tracking data that my students have produced through assessments based on standards they need to know. I develop systems that make my classroom run more smoothly. And then I redevelop those when the 1st set fails. I work at least 10-14 hour days. To say the least, it is a lifestyle...not a job.

Marriage is wonderful. We had a rough go of it for the first few months, but we seem to be hitting a stride now that we are almost 6 months in that is comfortable, yet still challenging. It's amazing to think of where we were and where we now are and I can't imagine what our relationship will be like in 25 years, God willing. :)

We were able to take a trip recently to Savannah, GA to see the lovely Delaina Paasch (some of you know her from Madison) become Delaina Hooks. It was an 11 hour drive there and back that we had to make in a 3 day weekend, which made it not quite a vacation, but the drive time left me with ample enough time to reflect and think on the things I have not been able to think on often. All through northeaster Florida and into the coastal areas of Georgia, there are reforestation projects happening. I love reforestation; not just because it's good for our environment, but because of the aesthetic beauty of the young wildwoods. As in any forest, the chaos of the trees sporadically placed is reminiscent of the beauty and power of our God. But when reforestation is looked at from multiple angles, a pattern emerges. The trees are actually planted in rows...and there is comfort in the order of the rows of trees that were planted with a purpose. Stepping back from that thought, really, all trees are planted in their place with a purpose. Nothing goes unseen by the omniscient God we serve.
It is in those forests that I so long to wander through again that I see the good and perfect plans of God. And I am comforted by the seeming disorder.

In other news, please be praying for us. We have decided to hold off on continuing with the implementation of our nonprofit for at least a year. We feel it is the wise decision for now, as we feel like we need to reassess the development process of the neighborhood. It's not like we can just plant a church, like you can in so many places. We have to invest in our neighbors more than we have and God is really challenging us right now to strive to know Him more, to know each other more and to know our neighbors more.
I am nervous to get out there and unsure of what is going to happen now.

But I guess I just need to get back to those thickets and trees...


I love you all and miss you very much. I hope you are doing well and that I will hear from you soon.

whoa been a while

It has been a busy summer. The day I got out of work for the summer, I also started summer institute for TeachNOLA. I will be starting in just 2 weeks as an official 1st grade teacher with my own classroom. I want to say that I feel ready for this, but when push comes to shove, I can't believe that they're putting me in charge of a classroom. I guess we'll see what happens.

I was digging through some ollllld photos tonight. Pictures from the Garf and the summer after graduation. Pictures of old lifegroups and my internship at Blackhawk. Pictures from Brewers games and weddings. Pictures from running through the Arboretum in winter, spring, summer and fall.
We will be returning to Wisconsin in just a couple of days for a little vacation before I start school. I feel like every time I go back, I go back to a different world. People have gotten married. People have had babies. People have moved away. I sometimes pine for the old life...for those days that used to be so easy. I miss friends who were always there to piss you off and support you. I miss chilling at the Terrace and on the porch. I miss runs to Trader Joe's and playing pranks on Becca in the office. I miss a lot. Sometimes, I miss it so much that it actually physically hurts.
But there's no way to go back. My life is not what it was. And even if there was a way to go back, I'm sure it wouldn't be better. I wanted to get away, remember? I wanted my life to be uncomfortable.
Well, I got that wish. Don't get me wrong, the life I have down here is very fulfilling. But sometimes I long for the ease of those days.
In Wisconsin, I was Rae. I knew everyone. I did everything.

In New Orleans, I am Rachel. I am married. I have a real career.

What the heck happened???

In a year, I made every huge transition possible. I am not sorry. I am still, however, a bit overwhelmed.

New Sounds New Trials

I'm sitting as we speak at the desk that my husband (yes. husband. weird.) built for us to have. After digging out a little space from the paperwork of name change papers, bills and a mish-mash of other things, I think I may have a nice little spot for writing. I need a better chair, but this one will work for a bit.
I've got the new home-recorded sneak peak versions of the next Over the Rhine album that has yet to be recorded and it has put me in a mood for chatting with myself and the pinkish-grey version of the sky this evening.
I've often thought recently about how weird it is to have this mid-summer weather in the middle of April. I guess that's the perk of moving to a tropical region (though I pay for it in July). But Over the Rhine and the kiss of a cool breeze after a hot day has always been one of my favorites of a Wisconsin summer--only now it is marred by the sound of angry men, police sirens and the view of deteriorating houses outside my window instead of the accent of the scent of peonies wafting in my windows and the sight of lighting bugs dancing across the front lawn.
I miss home...

As you can see, New Orleans has still not completely become "home" yet to me. Some days I resent it and other days I rest in its weary arms, but we have not built up a relationship enough yet for me to truly love it here. I feel pressure to love it. But you can't force love, can you?

Marriage is interesting. There are days that I love it and days that I feel completely baffled by every aspect of it--and some days that the bafflement is the exact reason why I love it. It is not at all what my idealistic imagination had envisioned it to be. It is more work than I have ever done. I don't know why no one talked to me about this before I got married. I mean, it had to be out there. Are people really so afraid to admit the bad with the good? Yes, marriage is beautiful. It has exposed things in me that diminish me everyday to be less of Rachel and (hopefully) more of Christ...though I know on most days, I am just a really ugly version of me and not anything like Christ.
But really, why do people not talk about this? Are we really so afraid to admit that our marriages are hard? That we communicate poorly? That sex is an odd thing and nothing like it is in the movies? That we hurt each other without even knowing it and are so self-involved to even notice? That some days we would find it easier to be single?
Because the reality is that this IS reality. Marriage is not pure bliss. It is hard. It is flippin' hard.

I do love him, though, so it makes the work worth it. He is the best man I have ever known. He is the most difficult-to-understand man I have ever know, but he is also the best man I have ever known. We all knew I'd end up with someone that was a puzzle.

Anyway, in more tangible news:

School is winding down. I will be teaching 1st grade next year and will have my own classroom. It should be hard, beautiful, insane, and amazing all at the same time. I am excited and nervous.

We got the paper work for our non profit.

We are officially urban farmers. We have 4 adorable little chickens and all sorts of vegetables and flowers growing in different spaces around the yard.


I think that about sums it up for now. Leave me a little message if you find the time. I miss you all greatly. :)

Love y'all!

:)

And we're married :)

Thank you to everyone to came down, who sent cards and letters and emails, who made phone calls and who helped make our day incredibly special.

We're off to relax in Asheville, NC for a few days.

:)

I'll write a better update when we are back. Hopefully with some pictures!

Just like the Hydrangeas

Hello friends,
Again, it's been a while. You will have to excuse my tardiness of my updates. As I'm sure you all can guess, life has been insane. Michael and I are officially down to 18 days until we will be Mr. and Mrs. Wong. Go ahead. Laugh. My name will be Rae Wong. Say it 4 times fast...bet you can't do it! We've gotten a good number of laughs out of that new name, but I am very excited to obtain it.

In the midst of wedding-madness, I got into a teaching certification program, so that's made life extra interesting. Life in the church plant business is picking up, as we prepare to do our hard launch as Harbor Community Church. Systems are taking form and teams are being built. It's a good thing and exhausting to know what work goes into building a healthy church. All of you who are in an established church, BE THANKFUL. You will never know how it happens until you see it happens. You can hear the stories and see the ramifications of early decisions, but you will never know the toil and work that goes into building it until you do it.

As for me personally, I am overwhelmed with transition. Seems to be the story of my life lately. While it's a good thing, I find that I lose hope easily, which is hard for me to admit. Tonight, I am discouraged (though somewhere deep in me knows that joy will come in the morning.)
Let me try to relate this...


A previous roommate and friend of Michael had a dog named Abita. This past Fall, excited for the ability to grow flowers in November and December, I purchased a bunch of pre-established flowers from a gardening organization in the city that was practically giving them away. I purchased 4 hydrangea plants, beautiful in color, and hurried home to plant them in bigger pots to get them started. Abita, though a wonderfully dog, did not know that she should not eat my lovely new hydrangeas. And ate she did. The barely formed new plants were snapped off here and there, gnarled from her teeth. I thought that they were done for, but Michael convinced me to hold onto them, as he thought they would bloom again.

So I waited for their inevitable death.

A few weeks later, I noticed buds starting to come off of their still mangled branches.

The next night, we had a hard freeze, which is pretty rare for the tropical climate of New Orleans.
Surely the brown, withered leaves were tell-tale signs that these plants were done for.

Again, Michael convinced me to hold on a bit longer.

And then, this past weekend, I walked past my hydrangeas... And they were full of new buds and leaves. Sprouts of color were popping out on even the mangled branches. A new hope filled me. Those branches would see beautiful blooms yet!

It wasn't until tonight that I realized the likeness between the hydrangeas and myself.
Since I have arrived in New Orleans, I have felt like it has been one thing after the next, making me give a bit of myself up. A snapping of a twig here, a bite off a leaf there. Little by little, I have given up my creativity. I have given up my time. I have given up the things that allowed me to worship fully.

The eaten hydrangea. The frozen hydrangea.

And then tonight, whilst in the middle of a breakdown that resulted in a discussion with Michael about the possibility of having to give up the one last thing that connects me to my old self, playing music, I realized how wrong I have been all along and the perspective that I have viewed the hydrangea from.

Since I have arrived in New Orleans, it has felt like a constant battle to not give up who I am. The transition to a full time job. The transition to a boyfriend to a fiance to a husband. The transition to a church plant. It has all left me with the remnants of what was once, sure, a lovely little flower. But through the work of the Gospel and the promise that He works for the good of those who love Him, we are assured that the eaten and frozen hydrangea will once again grow. But not only will it grow. It will flourish. Through the mystery of the resurrection and the promise that those who lose their life will gain it, I will live life more abundantly than anything I could have imagined.

Though I do not feel like myself right now, what good was myself? What good was what I knew of myself? What does it matter...when the life I lead is not my own, but the taking up of a cross.

Through the brokenness comes restoration and through that restoration comes the hope of a good and fruitful life that will be more than my creativity or ingenuity or time could have ever produced.

But that doesn't mean I won't suffer growing pains to get there. It just means that I will need to learn to be joyful in the affliction of the freeze and the pruning by the dog.