Merry Late Christmas.
I would have written sooner, but obviously, as the youngest of 6 kids (all of the siblings being married with kids) Christmas around here was insane. I drove home last Tuesday for the holiday. It should have taken an hour and a half but ended up taking 3 hours due to the fact that I couldn't go above 40 mph because of the condition of the roads. Not good.
Mark and Jill got here the next day with Alden and Micah (2 year old girls, you will be eating your hearts out in 10 years...). It was awesome to see all of them. Everyone else rolled into the house at will, as per the usual. Christmas always whirls by me and before I knew it, I was driving back on Friday afternoon to be at work by 3pm.
I worked Friday and Saturday nights and then on Sunday had a much more enjoyable ride back home to my parent's house. I talked to Rob, my eldest brother for a good chunk of the trip, which was nice since he didn't make it home for Christmas this year. It had been a while since I had sat and had a good conversation with him, so there was a lot of catching up to do. Not to mention, the cross-generation translating that has to take place! (I love you, brother Robby :P )
I hung up with him as I was coming over the last hill into Burlington, the land where people older than you are still referred to as "Mr./Mrs. SoandSo." Every time I drive home on a sunny Sunday afternoon, I get a little bit nostalgic and somewhat swept away with the romanticism of the moments. I was driving southeast into town so the warm hues of the 5 o'clock setting sun were hitting me through my review mirror and reflecting off of the golden cut fields of corn. I passed Mormon Road and that little white house on the right that seems to grow more and more dilapidated every time I drive past it. I'm never really sure if the house is getting older or if everything else around it is getting newer. It's probably both. I passed the bridge that Carolyn and I got stuck under in a canoe when the water was too high. I passed the church I grew up in and remembered the oppressive heat of summer sermons on my mom's lap, chewing old sticks of Extra bubble gum from the man in front of me and playing with my dad's dove tie pin. Every once in a while, she would get out her nail file and let me push her cuticles back to keep me occupied. I drove past the old library, where I used to go with Cassie from the house across the street to Book Night. We would come home after dark on those first nights in October when the sky is slightly covered by spindling clouds that chase each other past the moon and my imagination would run away with me to the thoughts of scary stories and the cemetery behind our neighborhood.
And then I pulled into our driveway. And mom and dad were there to greet me like they always are. And I was home. And the thousands of thoughts that had attacked me driving in left themselves rest on the doorstep so that I could just relax and slink down into the warmth of a blanket and our deep purple couch.
Carolyn's 25th birthday was today and so I headed over to her parent's house for the Annual Fondue dinner. Every year, her parents have family and me over for Carolyn's favorite meal...fondue. I have been participating in this since her 12th birthday. We joked about her cat. Filled her inlaws in on old stories. And then, a newer addition to the evening, sat outside in their hot tub and talked and watched the stars. Jean and Larry joked about how I would still drop everything on her 40th birthday to come back for the dinner...and he's right. Carolyn is the friend that I will always have no matter what happens, where I go or who she marries. :P She's like the 7th child in my family. I'm their other daughter. Everyone should have that 2nd family. It teaches you about your own.
Anyway, it's back to Madison for me tomorrow and back to the reality of Freeze Week. I have this theory about the week in between Christmas and New Years that it is sort of the black hole week. In the midst of it, I realize it's happening but it always seems like it doesn't happen. Sort of like Vegas...what happens in Freeze Week stays in Freeze Week.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Snow Frisbee
Yesterday I played a game of Ultimate Frisbee --tackle style in the 10 inches of snow that we got up here. I think I am better when we play in the snow. And actually, it makes sense--I'm not afraid of the lay out process because there is something soft and pillowy there to catch me. All in all, it was a good time.
I got to see Dunkin while we were playing though. It was so good to see him. I didn't know he was going to be in town, so the surprise was excellent. We sat in the snow for a bit and chatted about his TFA experience thus far. He seems to be in a completely different world. Well, he IS in a completely different world, I guess. But it's odd--when he's bad, it doesn't seem like it's actually happening. I'm not sure if this happens with all of my friends that move away and then come back to visit or what, but it's an odd little feeling. But we got to talk about the difficulty of being a friend to students and a figure of authority, which was interesting because it's something that I've been thinking about also with tutoring. It's a hard line to walk and very often, I don't know which side to default to. But I think, more often than not, I want to drop on the authority side, which is good to know if I get into TFA. (I really should be working on that essay instead of writing this.)
Whoops...I had to leave to go to Christi's graduation dinner and forgot about this so I'll just throw this up now and come back to another post later.
I got to see Dunkin while we were playing though. It was so good to see him. I didn't know he was going to be in town, so the surprise was excellent. We sat in the snow for a bit and chatted about his TFA experience thus far. He seems to be in a completely different world. Well, he IS in a completely different world, I guess. But it's odd--when he's bad, it doesn't seem like it's actually happening. I'm not sure if this happens with all of my friends that move away and then come back to visit or what, but it's an odd little feeling. But we got to talk about the difficulty of being a friend to students and a figure of authority, which was interesting because it's something that I've been thinking about also with tutoring. It's a hard line to walk and very often, I don't know which side to default to. But I think, more often than not, I want to drop on the authority side, which is good to know if I get into TFA. (I really should be working on that essay instead of writing this.)
Whoops...I had to leave to go to Christi's graduation dinner and forgot about this so I'll just throw this up now and come back to another post later.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Appalling
So another blog that I read brought this video to my attention. It's from a church in Kansas.
So much for Advent Conspiracy, eh?
I am not even sure what to do with this. I know that it makes me incredibly sad. It would be easy for me to say that these people are the reason why so many people hate the Church. But I know better. This doesn't help, but when push comes to shove, we're all at fault for the way people view the Church today.
I guess some are just a little more public about it...
Also, it's a snow day so look for more posts from me today :P
So much for Advent Conspiracy, eh?
I am not even sure what to do with this. I know that it makes me incredibly sad. It would be easy for me to say that these people are the reason why so many people hate the Church. But I know better. This doesn't help, but when push comes to shove, we're all at fault for the way people view the Church today.
I guess some are just a little more public about it...
Also, it's a snow day so look for more posts from me today :P
Friday, December 12, 2008
Escape
I'm not sure if it's just the fact that winter is closing in on me (despite loving the change in seasons) or what but I am feeling continually more and more like I am being backed into a corner and need to escape from it. I'm not sure where it's stemming from yet. I guess I'll have to figure that out more as I go.
We had our annual Holiday Family dinner tonight. It was good to be with friends, though it was entirely different from last year. And that's fine. I don't mind change. In fact, I welcome change.
I just wish I felt like I was changing with it.
We had our annual Holiday Family dinner tonight. It was good to be with friends, though it was entirely different from last year. And that's fine. I don't mind change. In fact, I welcome change.
I just wish I felt like I was changing with it.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
This could potentially get me in some trouble
Ok. I am about to rant about something that could potentially get me into a lot of trouble, but I really want some feedback on it, so here it goes.
So relationships are tough. We meet people, we like people, we date people, and we inevitable break up or get married. Right?
So there is a view out there (and this may carry over for guys in specific ways, but I'm not sure, so for the sake of argument, I'm going to stick with the feminine view) that we deserve this and that out of a guy. I am thoroughly bothered by this view. When did we gain such entitlement?
There is so much wrong with this view! I can't even stand it sometimes. I've succumbed to this so many times and I'm fairly certain that it has created what people now call "Peter Pan syndrome" which is basically that men don't want to grow up and become men, along with all of the responsibility that it carries.
The idea that I deserve someone who will be good to me, love me, desire me, etc. is one that flirts with a dangerous line.
It sets girls up with the idea that there is a "perfect" guy out there for you. This idea is trite and inaccurate.
And it sets guys up for failure. The day that they don't do a good job loving me or being good to me, they fail.
I'm not saying that we should up and be with guys that are awful to us. This is not at all what I am saying. There is a small but HUGE difference, though, in saying the previous area of entitlement and saying "I deserve someone who is right for me." This we, as all people, do deserve if we chose to go the marriage route.
Saying that someone doesn't live up to your standards puts a label on them that doesn't neccessarily hold true for the next girl. Maybe the next girl brings out different characteristics in him that are better for her, innately creating in him the ability to be the right one for her.
Not to mention, the idea that we deserve this can carry over into our attitudes toward grace. We deserve nothing that we are given. It all flows from the source of all good things. And not just good things...but good things that are right for us.
I realize this last paragraph is a little vague but I'm not sure I feel like delving into the correlation's right now. Maybe I'll come back to it later.
Ok, feel free to rip me a new one now if I am wrong on this.
So relationships are tough. We meet people, we like people, we date people, and we inevitable break up or get married. Right?
So there is a view out there (and this may carry over for guys in specific ways, but I'm not sure, so for the sake of argument, I'm going to stick with the feminine view) that we deserve this and that out of a guy. I am thoroughly bothered by this view. When did we gain such entitlement?
There is so much wrong with this view! I can't even stand it sometimes. I've succumbed to this so many times and I'm fairly certain that it has created what people now call "Peter Pan syndrome" which is basically that men don't want to grow up and become men, along with all of the responsibility that it carries.
The idea that I deserve someone who will be good to me, love me, desire me, etc. is one that flirts with a dangerous line.
It sets girls up with the idea that there is a "perfect" guy out there for you. This idea is trite and inaccurate.
And it sets guys up for failure. The day that they don't do a good job loving me or being good to me, they fail.
I'm not saying that we should up and be with guys that are awful to us. This is not at all what I am saying. There is a small but HUGE difference, though, in saying the previous area of entitlement and saying "I deserve someone who is right for me." This we, as all people, do deserve if we chose to go the marriage route.
Saying that someone doesn't live up to your standards puts a label on them that doesn't neccessarily hold true for the next girl. Maybe the next girl brings out different characteristics in him that are better for her, innately creating in him the ability to be the right one for her.
Not to mention, the idea that we deserve this can carry over into our attitudes toward grace. We deserve nothing that we are given. It all flows from the source of all good things. And not just good things...but good things that are right for us.
I realize this last paragraph is a little vague but I'm not sure I feel like delving into the correlation's right now. Maybe I'll come back to it later.
Ok, feel free to rip me a new one now if I am wrong on this.
Friday, December 5, 2008
i love this
http://www.tomsshoes.com/
For every pair of shoes bought, they donate a pair to a child who needs shoes. How awesome is that??!
Shoes.
How ridiculous is that? How often do you put on one of your 4839208 pairs of shoes and think about the fact that you have them? How often do you look at where your clothing was made and wondering if it came from a factory in China that tried to organize a union only to have the union director taken outside and his knees broken? How often do we look at our fruit and wonder if it came from a sustaining community in Honduras (Dole...grr...) and wonder if the people in the field for 14 hours a day are making enough to feed their own family. Ironic, right?
I sure don't think about it enough. And it makes me mad that I don't.
For every pair of shoes bought, they donate a pair to a child who needs shoes. How awesome is that??!
Shoes.
How ridiculous is that? How often do you put on one of your 4839208 pairs of shoes and think about the fact that you have them? How often do you look at where your clothing was made and wondering if it came from a factory in China that tried to organize a union only to have the union director taken outside and his knees broken? How often do we look at our fruit and wonder if it came from a sustaining community in Honduras (Dole...grr...) and wonder if the people in the field for 14 hours a day are making enough to feed their own family. Ironic, right?
I sure don't think about it enough. And it makes me mad that I don't.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
7 degrees of separation
I feel like everyone I have met for the last year has been from the Fox Valley area. Some of them have been connected but for the vast majority, they have been separate from one another.
Are you all multiplying or was there just a mass exodus?
Are you all multiplying or was there just a mass exodus?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Written for Advent Conspiracy
Grow Pregnant with God
I've been pondering the 4 aspects of the Advent Conspiracy fairly consistently over the last week or so, as it seems to be coming up a lot (go figure) and seem to be caught in the mud on one in particular. "Spend less" and "Give more" are fairly easy to grasp. "Love all" will always be one of those lofty concepts to me. But "Worship fully" is another story.
Around this time every year, a discussion inevitably arises about how exactly Mary became pregnant. I'm not sure why this continually comes up around me, but it's lead to some rather humorous discussions at times. And still, at other times, it has lead to some of the greatest, most thought-provoking ideas.
In Luke 1, we hear the story of Mary finding out the news that she is going to give birth to the Son of God. What is so special about this account, though, is that it is the only place where we hear Mary's reaction to the news. And what does she do? She worships God. She glorifies and rejoices in the Lord. She is not facing easy circumstances, but she reflects on the joy of Him.
Thomas Hoffman writes much better about this than I ever could in A Child in Winter:
"Standing at the threshold of another Advent we begin our season of growth and expectation - a time to secret ourselves with Mary, to join our hearts with hers, and to grow pregnant with God together. God invites us to a quiet place of reflection and bounty. This Advent, choose some time for silence. Make space within yourself to grow large with the abundance of God's favor. Make this a time to fill your lungs deeply with God so that you can breathe Christ into the world."
May we take time to reflect on Him this Advent and learn what it is to worship fully.
I've been pondering the 4 aspects of the Advent Conspiracy fairly consistently over the last week or so, as it seems to be coming up a lot (go figure) and seem to be caught in the mud on one in particular. "Spend less" and "Give more" are fairly easy to grasp. "Love all" will always be one of those lofty concepts to me. But "Worship fully" is another story.
Around this time every year, a discussion inevitably arises about how exactly Mary became pregnant. I'm not sure why this continually comes up around me, but it's lead to some rather humorous discussions at times. And still, at other times, it has lead to some of the greatest, most thought-provoking ideas.
In Luke 1, we hear the story of Mary finding out the news that she is going to give birth to the Son of God. What is so special about this account, though, is that it is the only place where we hear Mary's reaction to the news. And what does she do? She worships God. She glorifies and rejoices in the Lord. She is not facing easy circumstances, but she reflects on the joy of Him.
Thomas Hoffman writes much better about this than I ever could in A Child in Winter:
"Standing at the threshold of another Advent we begin our season of growth and expectation - a time to secret ourselves with Mary, to join our hearts with hers, and to grow pregnant with God together. God invites us to a quiet place of reflection and bounty. This Advent, choose some time for silence. Make space within yourself to grow large with the abundance of God's favor. Make this a time to fill your lungs deeply with God so that you can breathe Christ into the world."
May we take time to reflect on Him this Advent and learn what it is to worship fully.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Knots
I've had a knot in my stomach all day. It could either be a malfunction of my tummy after the Thanksgiving holiday or some other big stuff happening.
I went to Barnes and Noble tonight with Amanda. There aren't many people in town tonight, so we figured we would go wander. I ended up leaving with two things:
1. The next installment of my personal journals. I went the smart route this time and bought the journal that is basically just a leather cover and you can refill the notebook on the inside. In the end, this will be much cheaper and will save me the hassle of going out every year for weeks leading up to the end of my journal to find the new good one.
2. A workbook for building vocabulary. Yes. I know. I'm a complete nerd. But if I told you that I've been reading a dictionary every day to account for the fact that I crave words, then you would think that I was more of a nerd. At least this way it looks like I'm preparing for grad school or something while I sit in the coffee shop instead of just that freakish girl in the corner reading the dictionary for an hour. Plus, it quizzes you and I'll retain more of the words.
Dictionaries are my default. When reading isn't enough, but I can't write, I read the dictionary. Words are amazing and they possess so much potential. Kind of like an 8 year old. They're so developed already but they're abounding in possibility.
Words do for me what music does for me. They make the world more colorful and 3 dimensional. They evoke moods and perceptions that were previously not touched. With the right word or chord, it's like the near discovery of a new galaxy or mathematical proof.
I'm excited to crack it open and start to work in it.
After B&N, we came back, made some cocoa and watched Christmas Vacation. It's officially ok to do that now that Thanksgiving is over. I love the Christmas season...well, I love the nostalgia of the Christmas season. But I am a strict believer that one cannot do anything involving Christmas until after Thanksgiving, unlike 89% of the rest of the world now. But it's ok now and that is a relief!
Anyway, I should get some sleep. I work early.
Wow...check me out. I've written a ton in the last couple of days! Unfortunately, it's been nothing of great significance or relevance.
I went to Barnes and Noble tonight with Amanda. There aren't many people in town tonight, so we figured we would go wander. I ended up leaving with two things:
1. The next installment of my personal journals. I went the smart route this time and bought the journal that is basically just a leather cover and you can refill the notebook on the inside. In the end, this will be much cheaper and will save me the hassle of going out every year for weeks leading up to the end of my journal to find the new good one.
2. A workbook for building vocabulary. Yes. I know. I'm a complete nerd. But if I told you that I've been reading a dictionary every day to account for the fact that I crave words, then you would think that I was more of a nerd. At least this way it looks like I'm preparing for grad school or something while I sit in the coffee shop instead of just that freakish girl in the corner reading the dictionary for an hour. Plus, it quizzes you and I'll retain more of the words.
Dictionaries are my default. When reading isn't enough, but I can't write, I read the dictionary. Words are amazing and they possess so much potential. Kind of like an 8 year old. They're so developed already but they're abounding in possibility.
Words do for me what music does for me. They make the world more colorful and 3 dimensional. They evoke moods and perceptions that were previously not touched. With the right word or chord, it's like the near discovery of a new galaxy or mathematical proof.
I'm excited to crack it open and start to work in it.
After B&N, we came back, made some cocoa and watched Christmas Vacation. It's officially ok to do that now that Thanksgiving is over. I love the Christmas season...well, I love the nostalgia of the Christmas season. But I am a strict believer that one cannot do anything involving Christmas until after Thanksgiving, unlike 89% of the rest of the world now. But it's ok now and that is a relief!
Anyway, I should get some sleep. I work early.
Wow...check me out. I've written a ton in the last couple of days! Unfortunately, it's been nothing of great significance or relevance.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Never Wait
Way to go, Islands. Your song is absolutely stuck in my head. It's a good thing you write good music or I would be livid with you.
It's 9:45pm on a Thursday night and I'm lying in bed...well, I guess technically it's Thanksgiving, which accounts for the fact that I'm tired and no one is in town. But I'm in the mood just just be alone and contemplative right now anyway, so that's just fine with me.
I'm perfectly happy lying in bed right now. I took all of my bedding off of my bed before I went home and washed them at my parents house while I was there. One of my favorite things growing up was when my mom would hang my sheets on our clothes line in our yard and then I would get to crawl into these cool, fresh sheets that smelled like outside. I helped her hang them on the line like I always used to do and in order to do it, I put on my dad's huge boots to go outside because my Chucks were tied up and I was too lazy to put them on all the way. Immediately, I was thrown back to being 6 years old and playing in the clothes that blew around on the line. We would play hide and seek in them and the breezes would push the sheets against my face. Then later that night, I would lie in those sheets and sleep the best sleep that I'm sure I will ever have.
It's all part of that idea of "simple pleasures," I suppose. There are so many of them though. In light of Thanksgiving, I think I will make a list of as many that I can think of. (I have no idea why this logic would follow. I guess I am thankful for them?)
1. Sheets hung on the line and then put immediate on my bed
2. Dictionaries
3. Minor Chords
4. Hoodies
5. Cold cheeks
6. Fat Squirrels
7. Ducks
8. Veins in a leaf
9. Street lights shining through trees on foggy nights
10. Finding old notes from Erin and Carolyn from 6th grade
11. Mittens
12. Dad's hugs
13. Friends that you don't see for 2 years but nothing has changed except the world around you
14. Lindy with Jon
15. Pens that write smoothly and don't smear
16. Post it notes
17. Driving backroads on warm nights with the windows down
18. Smelling like a campfire
19. Old Spice True Sport
20. Fresh apples
21. Buttercup flowers on the side of a road
22. Dragging your hand through the water out the back of a boat
23. Weighted keys
24. The red glow of Dark rooms
25. Dissonance -- In tastes, sounds and smells
26. Thinking hard
27. Cards with the Gillen Girls
28. Tracks in the snow
29. Bear Mound Park
30. Pealing sunburned skin
31. Mandolins, banjos and an upright bass
32. The sound of shoes on a wood floor
I guess I can add to this later. I'm going to go read my dictionary for a while.
Weird? Yeah.
Welcome to me.
It's 9:45pm on a Thursday night and I'm lying in bed...well, I guess technically it's Thanksgiving, which accounts for the fact that I'm tired and no one is in town. But I'm in the mood just just be alone and contemplative right now anyway, so that's just fine with me.
I'm perfectly happy lying in bed right now. I took all of my bedding off of my bed before I went home and washed them at my parents house while I was there. One of my favorite things growing up was when my mom would hang my sheets on our clothes line in our yard and then I would get to crawl into these cool, fresh sheets that smelled like outside. I helped her hang them on the line like I always used to do and in order to do it, I put on my dad's huge boots to go outside because my Chucks were tied up and I was too lazy to put them on all the way. Immediately, I was thrown back to being 6 years old and playing in the clothes that blew around on the line. We would play hide and seek in them and the breezes would push the sheets against my face. Then later that night, I would lie in those sheets and sleep the best sleep that I'm sure I will ever have.
It's all part of that idea of "simple pleasures," I suppose. There are so many of them though. In light of Thanksgiving, I think I will make a list of as many that I can think of. (I have no idea why this logic would follow. I guess I am thankful for them?)
1. Sheets hung on the line and then put immediate on my bed
2. Dictionaries
3. Minor Chords
4. Hoodies
5. Cold cheeks
6. Fat Squirrels
7. Ducks
8. Veins in a leaf
9. Street lights shining through trees on foggy nights
10. Finding old notes from Erin and Carolyn from 6th grade
11. Mittens
12. Dad's hugs
13. Friends that you don't see for 2 years but nothing has changed except the world around you
14. Lindy with Jon
15. Pens that write smoothly and don't smear
16. Post it notes
17. Driving backroads on warm nights with the windows down
18. Smelling like a campfire
19. Old Spice True Sport
20. Fresh apples
21. Buttercup flowers on the side of a road
22. Dragging your hand through the water out the back of a boat
23. Weighted keys
24. The red glow of Dark rooms
25. Dissonance -- In tastes, sounds and smells
26. Thinking hard
27. Cards with the Gillen Girls
28. Tracks in the snow
29. Bear Mound Park
30. Pealing sunburned skin
31. Mandolins, banjos and an upright bass
32. The sound of shoes on a wood floor
I guess I can add to this later. I'm going to go read my dictionary for a while.
Weird? Yeah.
Welcome to me.
another one
So not to get down on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but I was suddenly just struck with something that I wanted to write down quick and my computer was the closest thing to me.
They had the giant white rhino float and the commentators were discussing how they were just in Africa last week with the Today show doing a special on the need for the preservation of the animal. They were so happy that the float was in the parade, raising awareness to children about the need to preserve the white rhino. Now, let me start by saying this: absolutely. We should protect our resources and the natural inhabiters of those areas, but I'd ask this question:
How come they never show the homeless guy around the corner of the parade? Shouldn't our children learn the importance of preserving humans? You never see the float depicting the child in Africa starving and taken away from their family to fight for a rebel group.
I *am* incredibly thankful that I am American and I get to celebrate the fact that I can go through life without having to think about anything but the preservation of the white rhino.
...[/sarcasm]
Sorry guys, I know that it's Thanksgiving and this should be all full of happy thoughts. And I am thankful for so many things. But this year, more than ever before, I am plagued by the fact that there is a need for redemption in the world.
On a happier note, I have never been so thankful for the people and things that I do have in my life. You are all incredibly important to me.
<3
They had the giant white rhino float and the commentators were discussing how they were just in Africa last week with the Today show doing a special on the need for the preservation of the animal. They were so happy that the float was in the parade, raising awareness to children about the need to preserve the white rhino. Now, let me start by saying this: absolutely. We should protect our resources and the natural inhabiters of those areas, but I'd ask this question:
How come they never show the homeless guy around the corner of the parade? Shouldn't our children learn the importance of preserving humans? You never see the float depicting the child in Africa starving and taken away from their family to fight for a rebel group.
I *am* incredibly thankful that I am American and I get to celebrate the fact that I can go through life without having to think about anything but the preservation of the white rhino.
...[/sarcasm]
Sorry guys, I know that it's Thanksgiving and this should be all full of happy thoughts. And I am thankful for so many things. But this year, more than ever before, I am plagued by the fact that there is a need for redemption in the world.
On a happier note, I have never been so thankful for the people and things that I do have in my life. You are all incredibly important to me.
<3
rum runners and french onion dip
i drove home yesterday to chill out at Mom and Dad's for a couple of days for the glorious turkey holiday. I have to go back tomorrow night because I have to work on Friday morning, so I wanted to get as much time at home as possible.
I gave Megan, one of the students on my team, a ride to Elkhorn and we had a good time just talking and listening to a talk from a conference (you may think that sounds awful, but to her and I, this was incredibly exciting). I got home, had some dinner with my parents, and Cari stopped by. We went to grab some coffee with Joe at White Fox.
For those of you who have never been to Burlington, this is THE thing to do. And it was surreal. I hadn't seen either them in about a year. Life was different. We were different. But we were doing the same thing that we did in high school. We were talking about what we did in middle school. And when we had met in grade school. These are those people that, though you don't talk for a year, when you finally do see each other, nothing has changed and they still know you as the girl who pretended to have a black eye during that wrestling match with that boy you had a crush on. Which, by the way, he got me back for. We talked about homecoming senior year and how many guys Amy made out with as the queen. We talked about our old scary movie nights. And we talked about how our lives had gone in completely different directions than we thought they would. Well, maybe not Joe's, who will still go out to L.A. to make movies.
I got to spend today bumming around Burlington and the surrounding area, picking my Brianna from the high school, tromping around the backyard in my dad's too-big-for-me boots in order to hang my sheets on the clothes line outside, making dinner for the family and playing cards with my sisters...and perhaps having one too many rum runners with them. We got in trouble from mom for laughing too hard and being too loud, which just made us laugh harder.
I love my family and the holidays.
I just hope I don't pass out after eating too much turkey on the drive home tomorrow. And honestly, I can't wait until Christmas when I will be home for a solid 6 days. :)
I gave Megan, one of the students on my team, a ride to Elkhorn and we had a good time just talking and listening to a talk from a conference (you may think that sounds awful, but to her and I, this was incredibly exciting). I got home, had some dinner with my parents, and Cari stopped by. We went to grab some coffee with Joe at White Fox.
For those of you who have never been to Burlington, this is THE thing to do. And it was surreal. I hadn't seen either them in about a year. Life was different. We were different. But we were doing the same thing that we did in high school. We were talking about what we did in middle school. And when we had met in grade school. These are those people that, though you don't talk for a year, when you finally do see each other, nothing has changed and they still know you as the girl who pretended to have a black eye during that wrestling match with that boy you had a crush on. Which, by the way, he got me back for. We talked about homecoming senior year and how many guys Amy made out with as the queen. We talked about our old scary movie nights. And we talked about how our lives had gone in completely different directions than we thought they would. Well, maybe not Joe's, who will still go out to L.A. to make movies.
I got to spend today bumming around Burlington and the surrounding area, picking my Brianna from the high school, tromping around the backyard in my dad's too-big-for-me boots in order to hang my sheets on the clothes line outside, making dinner for the family and playing cards with my sisters...and perhaps having one too many rum runners with them. We got in trouble from mom for laughing too hard and being too loud, which just made us laugh harder.
I love my family and the holidays.
I just hope I don't pass out after eating too much turkey on the drive home tomorrow. And honestly, I can't wait until Christmas when I will be home for a solid 6 days. :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
lil' darlin'
I remembered tonight a funny little list I had made in my head ages ago about the silly things I wanted in a boy when I got "older."
Among them was a mandolin player and someone who called me "Darlin'." Obviously, these are quite possibly not going to be true of someone I "end up with." (I have no idea why that is in quotations...) But it was that list that ever little girl makes up. Mine just happened to be a little bit more eccentric that my other friends around the neighborhood.
Ah well...
I just got back from a pretty great night. I got off work, went for a run, and then met up with Steph for a bottle of wine before Andy and Tyler met us for the William Fitzsimmons and Slow Runner show.
It.was.awesome.
Musically, they were all so incredibly talented. Lyrically, Bearded Man was a little depressing, but it was entirely balanced out by the fact that he was hilarious in between and even during songs. Plus, getting to hang out with Steph was so great and I had a blast with Andy and Tyler, too. It was one of the best nights I've had in a while.
Things have seemed to balance out a little bit in life again. Although, whenever I say that, I know it's not completely true and that it's really just me repressing something that I feel like is balanced out. Or maybe it is balanced out and I just jumble it up when I want a little excitement. Or maybe I just push things out of the forefront of my head. Either way, stuff has simmered down now, but I know there's still something boiling beneath the surface. But this is on several accounts.
Nonetheless, I am enjoying this time of blissful ignorance.
Among them was a mandolin player and someone who called me "Darlin'." Obviously, these are quite possibly not going to be true of someone I "end up with." (I have no idea why that is in quotations...) But it was that list that ever little girl makes up. Mine just happened to be a little bit more eccentric that my other friends around the neighborhood.
Ah well...
I just got back from a pretty great night. I got off work, went for a run, and then met up with Steph for a bottle of wine before Andy and Tyler met us for the William Fitzsimmons and Slow Runner show.
It.was.awesome.
Musically, they were all so incredibly talented. Lyrically, Bearded Man was a little depressing, but it was entirely balanced out by the fact that he was hilarious in between and even during songs. Plus, getting to hang out with Steph was so great and I had a blast with Andy and Tyler, too. It was one of the best nights I've had in a while.
Things have seemed to balance out a little bit in life again. Although, whenever I say that, I know it's not completely true and that it's really just me repressing something that I feel like is balanced out. Or maybe it is balanced out and I just jumble it up when I want a little excitement. Or maybe I just push things out of the forefront of my head. Either way, stuff has simmered down now, but I know there's still something boiling beneath the surface. But this is on several accounts.
Nonetheless, I am enjoying this time of blissful ignorance.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Waking up too early...
Thanks to the prequel to one of my favorite blogs, Waking Up Too Late, I couldn't fall asleep until about 3:30am-ish and I blame Andy entirely for it!
Really, I just have a hard time falling asleep regardless. It is hard for me to get into bed and slow down enough after the days that I've had for the last few months in order to fall asleep. But oh when it happens, it is glorious time.
Lately, though, even when I can fall asleep, it's not been very good productive sleep. I'm not sure what's going on but I'm a little worried about it.
Lying in bed, though, after having read 3.5 year's worth of blog entries (I know..) my mind just started darting from worry to worry to worry. In an effort to get them out of my head, I grabbed a pen and paper and just started writing them down without even turning on a light, which made for some pretty interesting interpretations of what I actually wrote. Upon review, some of the worries were legitimate worries and some of them were simply outlandish and ridiculous.
In the process or writing them down, I actually wrote down that I was worrying about the fact that I thought I might be going crazy because I was writing things down in the dark and probably wouldn't remember doing it in the morning. But then there were those real worries...the ones about my fear that I am losing my quirkiness and creativity. The ones about the world and countries that I really don't know enough about to worry accurately about. My generation of 20-somethings who have all the potential in the world and are at risk for falling into complacency. I worried about that I'll never think as hard as I did in college about the world and never laugh as hard. I worried about the fact that it's getting colder and so many people were out on the street last night.
I mean, we're talking in a matter of minutes, all of these things flew through my head and I got so jittery that I had to get out of bed because I couldn't lie still.
This is what Matt was talking to me about last week. This is where I have to learn to live more lightly and to take things less internally. I can't solve all of these worries. I can only worry about so many things without actually going insane. And I definitely don't want to live like that. I mean, I want a realistic view, but when it's a detriment to my sleeping patterns, I draw the line. This is where the rational needs to kick in and I need to just roll with the punches, so to speak. And this is simply where I need to be silly again. Silliness, I'll say it time and again, is something I crave but it comes full circle because my silliness was powered off of my creativity and, like I said, something of that feels like it's leaving me.
Overanalyzing. It is the the thing that will diminish the most of who I am...but innately, I am an analyzer.
So. I am back to square one.
New rules for life:
1. Live lightly. Things on my scale that are often a 7 or an 8 are usually a 2 or a 3 on another person's scale.
2. Laugh more. Choose joy.
3. Watch more ducks. (Crap. They all went south.)
3b. Watch the video that I made about ducks sophomore year until spring.
4. No more coffee after 4pm.
5. Create sentences that make no sense.
6. Re-learn the washboard.
Really, I just have a hard time falling asleep regardless. It is hard for me to get into bed and slow down enough after the days that I've had for the last few months in order to fall asleep. But oh when it happens, it is glorious time.
Lately, though, even when I can fall asleep, it's not been very good productive sleep. I'm not sure what's going on but I'm a little worried about it.
Lying in bed, though, after having read 3.5 year's worth of blog entries (I know..) my mind just started darting from worry to worry to worry. In an effort to get them out of my head, I grabbed a pen and paper and just started writing them down without even turning on a light, which made for some pretty interesting interpretations of what I actually wrote. Upon review, some of the worries were legitimate worries and some of them were simply outlandish and ridiculous.
In the process or writing them down, I actually wrote down that I was worrying about the fact that I thought I might be going crazy because I was writing things down in the dark and probably wouldn't remember doing it in the morning. But then there were those real worries...the ones about my fear that I am losing my quirkiness and creativity. The ones about the world and countries that I really don't know enough about to worry accurately about. My generation of 20-somethings who have all the potential in the world and are at risk for falling into complacency. I worried about that I'll never think as hard as I did in college about the world and never laugh as hard. I worried about the fact that it's getting colder and so many people were out on the street last night.
I mean, we're talking in a matter of minutes, all of these things flew through my head and I got so jittery that I had to get out of bed because I couldn't lie still.
This is what Matt was talking to me about last week. This is where I have to learn to live more lightly and to take things less internally. I can't solve all of these worries. I can only worry about so many things without actually going insane. And I definitely don't want to live like that. I mean, I want a realistic view, but when it's a detriment to my sleeping patterns, I draw the line. This is where the rational needs to kick in and I need to just roll with the punches, so to speak. And this is simply where I need to be silly again. Silliness, I'll say it time and again, is something I crave but it comes full circle because my silliness was powered off of my creativity and, like I said, something of that feels like it's leaving me.
Overanalyzing. It is the the thing that will diminish the most of who I am...but innately, I am an analyzer.
So. I am back to square one.
New rules for life:
1. Live lightly. Things on my scale that are often a 7 or an 8 are usually a 2 or a 3 on another person's scale.
2. Laugh more. Choose joy.
3. Watch more ducks. (Crap. They all went south.)
3b. Watch the video that I made about ducks sophomore year until spring.
4. No more coffee after 4pm.
5. Create sentences that make no sense.
6. Re-learn the washboard.
Mother of Pete, that moth is HUGE!
So my roommate needed to grow a caterpillar into a moth for one of her classes. The caterpillar itself was beautiful: bright teal and huge. I had no idea what it would grow into in just a few short weeks, though while watching Silence of the Lambs on Halloween with Pete, I got a glimpse at it, as they used the same moths for that movie. But it was nothing...i mean NOTHING compared to what this thing would end up being.
She called me into the kitchen as I finished washing my face and brushing my teeth tonight before bed and asked me if I wanted to see something. "Well, sure I want to see something!" ...Only to walk into the kitchen and see the biggest freaking moth staring me in the eye with only a plastic bottle in between myself and it. Bugs do not normally freak me out at all. But the shear size of this thing's legs were enough to make me freeze up with thoughts of it crawling on my skin.
Ew. Even now, I'm grossed out. I really hope she remembers to take that thing into the lab tomorrow.
The meeting last week went well and things are really looking better. I'm headed down a long road to figuring everything out, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, for lack of a better cliche and I'm moving towards it. The rest of my life is in complete disarray, but what's new? At least I'm learning how to handle it all differently.
Service Day is coming up a week from tonight. Our team is doing a great job putting it all together and I'm so glad that I'm learning to delegate because it's entirely less stress for me and so much better for them to be allowed to run with those roles and their own creativity toward an old task.
I'm nervous though. Not for the event really so much as I am for the same reason I get nervous before we have one of these any time: will we hit our target?
Advent Conspiracy at Blackhawk is bringing the target more into people's thoughts. My lifegroup is definitely starting to act on the itch.
But here's the kicker: I am still wondering if I am doing enough? Am I where my passion is? Sure, I love working with college students. And I love leading this team. And I love learning all of the immensely valuable things that I am learning. But where am I going? What am I doing? Am I making the impact that I know I'm capable of doing?
Is medical stuff where I'm headed? I feel more and more disconnected from that every day. The idea of working for a non-profit gets me more and more excited, even despite all of the crap I know I would end up being put through if I did that. Would I feel like I was doing enough if I were to do that--would it be denying my original passion of caring for people both physically and spiritually. Am I passionate enough about becoming more of a leader and about developing leaders?
I've always been a do-er: the one who loves getting dirty in the midst of a mess. Right now, I sort of feel like I'm sitting on the side lines while I watch friends to go to med school...apply and work for Teach for America...move to Africa with the Peace Corp (for goodness sake!)
Am I, by coaching, doing what I was intended to do?
Cripes. How many paragraphs of questions can I possibly write?
She called me into the kitchen as I finished washing my face and brushing my teeth tonight before bed and asked me if I wanted to see something. "Well, sure I want to see something!" ...Only to walk into the kitchen and see the biggest freaking moth staring me in the eye with only a plastic bottle in between myself and it. Bugs do not normally freak me out at all. But the shear size of this thing's legs were enough to make me freeze up with thoughts of it crawling on my skin.
Ew. Even now, I'm grossed out. I really hope she remembers to take that thing into the lab tomorrow.
The meeting last week went well and things are really looking better. I'm headed down a long road to figuring everything out, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, for lack of a better cliche and I'm moving towards it. The rest of my life is in complete disarray, but what's new? At least I'm learning how to handle it all differently.
Service Day is coming up a week from tonight. Our team is doing a great job putting it all together and I'm so glad that I'm learning to delegate because it's entirely less stress for me and so much better for them to be allowed to run with those roles and their own creativity toward an old task.
I'm nervous though. Not for the event really so much as I am for the same reason I get nervous before we have one of these any time: will we hit our target?
Advent Conspiracy at Blackhawk is bringing the target more into people's thoughts. My lifegroup is definitely starting to act on the itch.
But here's the kicker: I am still wondering if I am doing enough? Am I where my passion is? Sure, I love working with college students. And I love leading this team. And I love learning all of the immensely valuable things that I am learning. But where am I going? What am I doing? Am I making the impact that I know I'm capable of doing?
Is medical stuff where I'm headed? I feel more and more disconnected from that every day. The idea of working for a non-profit gets me more and more excited, even despite all of the crap I know I would end up being put through if I did that. Would I feel like I was doing enough if I were to do that--would it be denying my original passion of caring for people both physically and spiritually. Am I passionate enough about becoming more of a leader and about developing leaders?
I've always been a do-er: the one who loves getting dirty in the midst of a mess. Right now, I sort of feel like I'm sitting on the side lines while I watch friends to go to med school...apply and work for Teach for America...move to Africa with the Peace Corp (for goodness sake!)
Am I, by coaching, doing what I was intended to do?
Cripes. How many paragraphs of questions can I possibly write?
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
oh also...
The day feels different.
I attribute it to President-Elect Barack Obama.
That's all I'll really say on that.
Perhaps some sort of political post will come later.
I attribute it to President-Elect Barack Obama.
That's all I'll really say on that.
Perhaps some sort of political post will come later.
too scatter-brained to even write
Well, last week was hell.
I worked 65 hours on top of some volunteer stuff that I love doing, but still sucked a lot from me simply because of the way last week went.
This week started out fantastic--a day trip up to Devil's Lake to buy apples and hike around all day on one of the most beautiful days that we've had so far this fall--but it quickly plummeted into what seemed to be the aftershocks of last week. I wish that my emotions didn't involve my health so much. It's like every time I get incredibly stressed out, I get nauseated and can't handle what's going on because I feel sick on top of it. There's got to be some sort of trick to making that stop. At least I've figured out how to not always act on those emotions. Even if I'm feeling sick, I am learning how to step away from the situation for a bit, get my head on straight and come back to it all. I've never seen more of a discrepancy between the rational and irrational. But at least I see it, which is more than I can say for myself a couple of years ago. I'm sure I'm much more of an enjoyable person to be around now because of it.
I've now begun the thoughts of what I will do when this internship is over. Do I apply at some churches to do the same work I am currently doing? Surely Blackhawk will not be able to hire me on. Does that mean moving far away? Does that mean leaving all of my friends and family? Do I apply for a non-profit in the Madison area? There are some great ones.
I feel like I am starting at square 1. It's not necessarily bad. Just daunting.
Anyway, I have to go into a meeting that I am not necessarily looking forward to. But I think it will be ok.
...as long as I can keep my emotions from getting the better of me.
I worked 65 hours on top of some volunteer stuff that I love doing, but still sucked a lot from me simply because of the way last week went.
This week started out fantastic--a day trip up to Devil's Lake to buy apples and hike around all day on one of the most beautiful days that we've had so far this fall--but it quickly plummeted into what seemed to be the aftershocks of last week. I wish that my emotions didn't involve my health so much. It's like every time I get incredibly stressed out, I get nauseated and can't handle what's going on because I feel sick on top of it. There's got to be some sort of trick to making that stop. At least I've figured out how to not always act on those emotions. Even if I'm feeling sick, I am learning how to step away from the situation for a bit, get my head on straight and come back to it all. I've never seen more of a discrepancy between the rational and irrational. But at least I see it, which is more than I can say for myself a couple of years ago. I'm sure I'm much more of an enjoyable person to be around now because of it.
I've now begun the thoughts of what I will do when this internship is over. Do I apply at some churches to do the same work I am currently doing? Surely Blackhawk will not be able to hire me on. Does that mean moving far away? Does that mean leaving all of my friends and family? Do I apply for a non-profit in the Madison area? There are some great ones.
I feel like I am starting at square 1. It's not necessarily bad. Just daunting.
Anyway, I have to go into a meeting that I am not necessarily looking forward to. But I think it will be ok.
...as long as I can keep my emotions from getting the better of me.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The only political rant you will see me go on
Ok.
So Obama is pretty much killing McCain in the polls right now. It would take a major upset for McCain to win at this point.
And yet, Obama's campaign decides that it is a good idea to run a 30 minute commercial, airing on a number of different channels.
The cost of running is by no means cheap. The cost of running a 30 minute add on 3 stations nation wide: a staggering minimum of $3.5 million, with it more likely being in the $4-$5 million range.
I'm sorry but for someone who is talking so much about poverty and ending this war because of costs to the nation and dreaming of the possibilities for that money to be used elsewhere, you sure are spending a lot of unnecessary money, are you not, Mr. Obama?
The cost of campaigns is disgusting to me as it is, but to do something like this makes me rethink my as-of-yet undecided vote.
So Obama is pretty much killing McCain in the polls right now. It would take a major upset for McCain to win at this point.
And yet, Obama's campaign decides that it is a good idea to run a 30 minute commercial, airing on a number of different channels.
The cost of running is by no means cheap. The cost of running a 30 minute add on 3 stations nation wide: a staggering minimum of $3.5 million, with it more likely being in the $4-$5 million range.
I'm sorry but for someone who is talking so much about poverty and ending this war because of costs to the nation and dreaming of the possibilities for that money to be used elsewhere, you sure are spending a lot of unnecessary money, are you not, Mr. Obama?
The cost of campaigns is disgusting to me as it is, but to do something like this makes me rethink my as-of-yet undecided vote.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
bah bah
i haven't updated this in a while but it's been busy and my head has been hurting. This usually means 1 of several things:
-i'm getting sick
-i'm thinking too much
-i'm wrong about something
-i'm listening to the jazz that makes you head want to explode
i'm pretty sure that all 4 are happening, so that's definitely cause to make my head hurt.
i'm currently in the midst of a pity party, but there's not much to do about it besides yank myself out of it and tell myself to move on. i don't think i'll really delve deeper into it on here simply because then the 3 people who read this would know without a shadow of a doubt that i am, in fact, insane. :P we'll just save the ranting involved with this one for my actual journal that is almost done. i need to start searching for a new one.
for as much as i think, you'd believe that i'd be able to control my mind with stuff like this, but it's not possible.
(don't worry, i'm not in any real danger here.) i am however concerned a little for the sake of some things, but it's nothing that i haven't been through, pulled myself out of and moved on from before.
i'm not even sure why i'm still typing about this. probably because i don't actually feel like writing about it yet, so i'll just beat around the bush until i decide that i need to pick this apart in my head.
silly rae.
on another note, it's almost november.
...and that's why they call me "rae-dhd"
-i'm getting sick
-i'm thinking too much
-i'm wrong about something
-i'm listening to the jazz that makes you head want to explode
i'm pretty sure that all 4 are happening, so that's definitely cause to make my head hurt.
i'm currently in the midst of a pity party, but there's not much to do about it besides yank myself out of it and tell myself to move on. i don't think i'll really delve deeper into it on here simply because then the 3 people who read this would know without a shadow of a doubt that i am, in fact, insane. :P we'll just save the ranting involved with this one for my actual journal that is almost done. i need to start searching for a new one.
for as much as i think, you'd believe that i'd be able to control my mind with stuff like this, but it's not possible.
(don't worry, i'm not in any real danger here.) i am however concerned a little for the sake of some things, but it's nothing that i haven't been through, pulled myself out of and moved on from before.
i'm not even sure why i'm still typing about this. probably because i don't actually feel like writing about it yet, so i'll just beat around the bush until i decide that i need to pick this apart in my head.
silly rae.
on another note, it's almost november.
...and that's why they call me "rae-dhd"
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Am I a Bad Person for this?
So it's 12:40am the night before Sarah's wedding and I am literally hiding out in the lobby of the hotel because I simply needed a break. Twelve weddings in 6 months has finally worn me down. Like I have said, I am so so happy for them, but I am so tired of the emotional roller coaster that each one is.
I decided to come down and write a bit to try an process some stuff.
The woman at the front desk is older. She will be here until 6am and was very helpful to us, but seems sad. So I wanted to come down and write, but I also just wanted to sit in her presence for a while because I feel like not many people talk to her. So when I got down here, she was mopping the floor and we made small talk for a bit. It came out that her husband died last November. She talked to me about the cot that she is sleeping on tonight that has springs that stick up.
And she made me want to cry.
So I have one friend 3 floors above me who is ready to give her life to a man that is completely wonderful. And I have another friend who gave her life to a man and he is now dead and she is sad. And I don't mean just the emotion of sadness, but the type of sadness that seeps out of you and makes other people aware of their own sadness.
The idea of that terrifies me.
But Sarah is so happy and so excited and I am all of those things for her. I am glad that she has found someone that makes those fears pale in comparison to the love that she is feeling from him. We should all be so lucky.
And tomorrow, I will be even more excited and I will dance and I will laugh and this feeling will go away.
That, and I won the lemon-sucking-stairing competition against Eric, Casey, Heidi and Erik. Awwww yeah.
I decided to come down and write a bit to try an process some stuff.
The woman at the front desk is older. She will be here until 6am and was very helpful to us, but seems sad. So I wanted to come down and write, but I also just wanted to sit in her presence for a while because I feel like not many people talk to her. So when I got down here, she was mopping the floor and we made small talk for a bit. It came out that her husband died last November. She talked to me about the cot that she is sleeping on tonight that has springs that stick up.
And she made me want to cry.
So I have one friend 3 floors above me who is ready to give her life to a man that is completely wonderful. And I have another friend who gave her life to a man and he is now dead and she is sad. And I don't mean just the emotion of sadness, but the type of sadness that seeps out of you and makes other people aware of their own sadness.
The idea of that terrifies me.
But Sarah is so happy and so excited and I am all of those things for her. I am glad that she has found someone that makes those fears pale in comparison to the love that she is feeling from him. We should all be so lucky.
And tomorrow, I will be even more excited and I will dance and I will laugh and this feeling will go away.
That, and I won the lemon-sucking-stairing competition against Eric, Casey, Heidi and Erik. Awwww yeah.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Peanut Butter Puffins
This is the first time that I've woken up and wanted to write for a while. Usually, the inclination to do so hits me a while into the day and by that time, it's too busy to do anything about it until late at night (and then I usually get sucked into an episode of Grey's. (Thank God that's over since I got through all of the seasons now and don't have any more to watch. I could really care less about this season. I just wanted the immediate satisfaction of knowing what came next.)
Sarah and Ken are getting married this weekend out in New Glarus and it's the last one that I am going to for the year. I have a break until May when they start up again, but I don't think I'll have a summer as nearly as packed as this one was. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends that were married this summer/fall and I'm so excited for them, but I'm just emotionally checked out. I simply can't handle any more. The amount of thinking that comes with each of them is just too much and, let's face it, emotional drainage. I'm not anywhere near being ready for any such commitment like that and to watch it makes me freak out a little more every time. But I am beginning to realize that that is good. I should be scared. It means I value what it is. It means that if I ever do stand up in front of all of my friends and family in a white dress and say vows to someone, I will do whatever it takes to be committed to that person. In fact, I am glad for this summer. I am glad that I am understanding the depth and solemnness of those vows. I am sure I will understand them more and be less terrified when I am actually looking at the person I will do that with, but for now, it's an ambiguous, amorphic concept.
And I'm ok with that. I would not be learning the things that I am learning -- I would not be doing the things that I am doing -- if that were the case.
I am glad to be where I am. And I am glad my friends are where they are. That they can go before me and show me the way. That I can watch and learn.
It's a beautiful thing.
I have the morning off and then I have to go into TJ's tonight. I always dread Thursday nights. I would so much rather work the mornings, but for now, this is how it has to be until I can work up the guts to talk to my boss and ask him for Thursday nights back. We'll see if I ever get the courage to do that.
After that, it's a shift tomorrow morning and then off to New Glarus for the rehearsal. At least it'll be a beautiful fall weekend and I can get out of Madison to enjoy some of it!
Sarah and Ken are getting married this weekend out in New Glarus and it's the last one that I am going to for the year. I have a break until May when they start up again, but I don't think I'll have a summer as nearly as packed as this one was. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends that were married this summer/fall and I'm so excited for them, but I'm just emotionally checked out. I simply can't handle any more. The amount of thinking that comes with each of them is just too much and, let's face it, emotional drainage. I'm not anywhere near being ready for any such commitment like that and to watch it makes me freak out a little more every time. But I am beginning to realize that that is good. I should be scared. It means I value what it is. It means that if I ever do stand up in front of all of my friends and family in a white dress and say vows to someone, I will do whatever it takes to be committed to that person. In fact, I am glad for this summer. I am glad that I am understanding the depth and solemnness of those vows. I am sure I will understand them more and be less terrified when I am actually looking at the person I will do that with, but for now, it's an ambiguous, amorphic concept.
And I'm ok with that. I would not be learning the things that I am learning -- I would not be doing the things that I am doing -- if that were the case.
I am glad to be where I am. And I am glad my friends are where they are. That they can go before me and show me the way. That I can watch and learn.
It's a beautiful thing.
I have the morning off and then I have to go into TJ's tonight. I always dread Thursday nights. I would so much rather work the mornings, but for now, this is how it has to be until I can work up the guts to talk to my boss and ask him for Thursday nights back. We'll see if I ever get the courage to do that.
After that, it's a shift tomorrow morning and then off to New Glarus for the rehearsal. At least it'll be a beautiful fall weekend and I can get out of Madison to enjoy some of it!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Some sort of semblance of thoughts on poverty (Blog Action Day)
Blog Action Day happens to fall on World Hunger Day. A day when people who are deeply committed to the fight against poverty make a huge push to raise awareness in any way that they can.
I understand now the frustration of this sort of endeavor; to try to raise awareness on a topic to have a handful of people jump onboard to join you in the fight, but for the most part, to raise people's awareness for a day or a week or a month, but only to have them go back to their day to day lives where they live in America, get in their cars, drive to their jobs, go out to grab food because they forgot to pack a lunch, come home, make dinner, sit down and watch a couple episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd and then head to their beds. I know this because this is what I did today.
I go through phases of being more aware of the world around me, but for the most part, I am a girl completely devoid of any social responsibility to those who are in situations that are not as good as mine. The sad thing is that as a whole, Americans are plagued with this affliction of complete unawareness. And you can't really blame them. Most of them have never experienced anything other than their norm.
I hadn't either really...
Until a year and a half ago when I went to Honduras, but even now, I still do not understand the extent of what I saw there.
Let me just tell you a little bit about Honduras.
Honduras is a country in Central America that has boarders with the Caribbean, Guatemala, Nicaragua, and El Salvador. It is about the size of Tennessee. The terrain is mostly mountainous on the interior and has narrow coasts. You can start at the coast and within approximately 10 miles, be in the heights of a mountain range. The government of Honduras is a democracy. Life expectancy is approximately late 60's. And the literacy rate is approximately 32% illiterate. Honduras is one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere with an extraordinary unequal distribution of wealth. Most of the country is below the poverty line with 44% living with less than $2 a day and 23% living with less than $1 a day. 22% of the population is undernourished and there is less than 1 doctor for every 1,000 people.
That is compared to the U.S. where only 9.8% of our country is below the poverty line (which is still appalling, but not nearly as bad.)
Ok. So that was a crap load of statistics. But the reality of Honduras is that it is a beautiful country with unbelievable people. They are dirt pour, but they are a joyful people, always ready to laugh and joke around (though they don't really understand sarcasm..)
They have nothing, but because of that, they seem to have everything.
The family we were building for down there was an amazing family that we got to work side by side with, as well as people from around the neighborhood who just wanted to lend a hand because they were family. Every morning, we would arrive at the worksite and work through the day moving and laying bricks one by one in the repulsive heat and humidity, praying for rain to fall for some relief. We must have moved a house worth of bricks 3 times across the yard.
But every morning, the dad would send out his girls to the local store to buy 2 liters of Coke for us because it was the only thing he could afford to say thank you to us. None of us wanted to drink it because all we wanted was water, as we were sweating our body weight out by the hour, but it was how he knew how to say thank you.
And as we built with them and got to know them across a language barrier, we became part of their family. We laughed with them and danced with them and cried with them when it was time to leave.
And through it all, I saw that all I wanted to do was create a family across boarders; across languages; across economic differences; across social differences.
And even now, I look at pictures and wonder how my family is settling into their new home. I wonder if I will ever be able to go visit them again (they said we had a home to stay in any time we visited!)
But you don't need to go to Honduras to do it. There are people ride along side of us on the sidewalks as we walk to the coffee shop who would love a chance to know what it's like to go home, make dinner, sit down and watch a couple of episodes of Grey's and fall asleep in their warm beds.
So. What do we do?
We start small. We make it happen, one brick at a time.
I understand now the frustration of this sort of endeavor; to try to raise awareness on a topic to have a handful of people jump onboard to join you in the fight, but for the most part, to raise people's awareness for a day or a week or a month, but only to have them go back to their day to day lives where they live in America, get in their cars, drive to their jobs, go out to grab food because they forgot to pack a lunch, come home, make dinner, sit down and watch a couple episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd and then head to their beds. I know this because this is what I did today.
I go through phases of being more aware of the world around me, but for the most part, I am a girl completely devoid of any social responsibility to those who are in situations that are not as good as mine. The sad thing is that as a whole, Americans are plagued with this affliction of complete unawareness. And you can't really blame them. Most of them have never experienced anything other than their norm.
I hadn't either really...
Until a year and a half ago when I went to Honduras, but even now, I still do not understand the extent of what I saw there.
Let me just tell you a little bit about Honduras.
Honduras is a country in Central America that has boarders with the Caribbean, Guatemala, Nicaragua, and El Salvador. It is about the size of Tennessee. The terrain is mostly mountainous on the interior and has narrow coasts. You can start at the coast and within approximately 10 miles, be in the heights of a mountain range. The government of Honduras is a democracy. Life expectancy is approximately late 60's. And the literacy rate is approximately 32% illiterate. Honduras is one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere with an extraordinary unequal distribution of wealth. Most of the country is below the poverty line with 44% living with less than $2 a day and 23% living with less than $1 a day. 22% of the population is undernourished and there is less than 1 doctor for every 1,000 people.
That is compared to the U.S. where only 9.8% of our country is below the poverty line (which is still appalling, but not nearly as bad.)
Ok. So that was a crap load of statistics. But the reality of Honduras is that it is a beautiful country with unbelievable people. They are dirt pour, but they are a joyful people, always ready to laugh and joke around (though they don't really understand sarcasm..)
They have nothing, but because of that, they seem to have everything.
The family we were building for down there was an amazing family that we got to work side by side with, as well as people from around the neighborhood who just wanted to lend a hand because they were family. Every morning, we would arrive at the worksite and work through the day moving and laying bricks one by one in the repulsive heat and humidity, praying for rain to fall for some relief. We must have moved a house worth of bricks 3 times across the yard.
But every morning, the dad would send out his girls to the local store to buy 2 liters of Coke for us because it was the only thing he could afford to say thank you to us. None of us wanted to drink it because all we wanted was water, as we were sweating our body weight out by the hour, but it was how he knew how to say thank you.
And as we built with them and got to know them across a language barrier, we became part of their family. We laughed with them and danced with them and cried with them when it was time to leave.
And through it all, I saw that all I wanted to do was create a family across boarders; across languages; across economic differences; across social differences.
And even now, I look at pictures and wonder how my family is settling into their new home. I wonder if I will ever be able to go visit them again (they said we had a home to stay in any time we visited!)
But you don't need to go to Honduras to do it. There are people ride along side of us on the sidewalks as we walk to the coffee shop who would love a chance to know what it's like to go home, make dinner, sit down and watch a couple of episodes of Grey's and fall asleep in their warm beds.
So. What do we do?
We start small. We make it happen, one brick at a time.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
hiatus
I think it can officially be deemed *fall.*
This is my season. I love fall. I love the smells. I love the colors. I love the way the grass looks when it is wet in the morning and it gets my shoes all wet. I (sometimes) love the mood it puts me in. I love the October night skies that only seem to form this time of year. The ones that are beautiful but kind of creepy at the same time, with the patchy clouds and waning moons.
And I'm struggling more now that I have with this than ever before...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
side note
At a coffee shop, eavesdropping on what appears to be a 30 something's first coffee date and discussing politics.
"Palin is a sorority girl who is in over her head," says the man.
My question to him: What presidential or vice presidential candidate has ever NOT been from the greek system with no clue what they are getting themselves into??
I'm not saying I will vote for Palin. I'm simply saying that presidential candidates are drawn from a particular type of people, despite being man or woman, black or white, democrat or republican. And if I were the woman having coffee with this man, I would have stood up and walked out by now.
Then again, who am I to talk? I group people into categories all the time.
Strengths Finder 2.0
So for the internship, Kate and I had to take a strengths finder test to determine...well, what our strengths are.
Mine hit dead on. In fact, they all work together too, which is interesting.
Also, many of my strengths also work with many of my spiritual gifts, often almost being the same thing, if not being the exact same thing.
So without further ado, here are the results for my test and a basic premise of what each one is (They start at my strongest...some explanations are longer than others):
1. Ideation
"You are fascinated by ideas. What is an idea? An idea is a concept, the best explanation of the most events. You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface of an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are the way they are. An idea is a connection. Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections. An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges. You revel in taking the world we all know and turning it around so we can view it from a strange but strangely enlightening angle. You love all these ideas because they are profound, because they are novel, because they are clarifying, because they are contrary, because they are bizarre. For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you. Others may label you creative or original or conceptual or even smart. Perhaps you are all of these. Who can be sure? What you are sure of is that ideas are thrilling. And on most days, that is enough."
2. Activator
"You are impatient for action. Only action can make things happen. Others may worry that there are still some things that aren't known, but this doesn't seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all of the lights have turned green. Action is the best dvice for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. "
3. WOO
WOO stands for Winning Others Over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. On the contrary, they can be energizing. Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don't. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on. In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet--lots of them."
4. Communication
"You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. You feel a need to bring ideas and events to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You want your information to survive, despite a person's short attention span. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act."
5. Connectedness
"Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries."
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Rainy Day Ramblings
I think that I have decided that at some point in my young adult life, I want to live in Nashville. I think it would be a city that I fit into really well and that would love me.
We'll see. I'm not sure I'd be able to handle living more than an hour and a half from my family.
But who knows...
Sunday, October 5, 2008
A Break in the Clouds
Today was a cold, rainy Sunday.
It’s an interesting thing.
I was just talking with one of the pastors at bhawk about this. The Grace Works series was great and inspiring and everything. But I can’t help but feel like a vast majority of people may have missed what is truly happening at this point. That they will jump from doing nothing to doing something, but never stopping to know *why* that something is being done…without contemplating the reality of their salvation and the reason why it creates a reaction of wanting to serve the poor and the lonely and the downcast. Could it be that we have created too much of a pendulum swing? Will we create a culture where everything is purely based off of a check list now?
It’s a fine line.
And if this is truly the heart of God and this is the reality of our salvation; and if this is what it takes to truly know who Christ is and to have a relationship with Him, then the road to Him is even narrower than I originally anticipated.
And then there’s also this question: If good works are the result of a transformation in Christ, does it mean that if there is no such reaction that we really don’t trust God for our salvation just yet? –Does it mean that we never had it to begin with? Or is it more that good works are a result of a salvation that has matured?
It reminded me of being young, going to church and then coming home and curling up on the couch (tucked, of course, behind my mom on the couch because it was the only place left in the room to sit) with a bowl of soup and some crackers with peanut butter and putting in a good movie.
I went to Fountain of Life today with Andy and a girl from his lifegroup for the first time. It was incredibly out of my comfort zone, but I was grateful for that. I would go on a more regular basis if I could carve out a 3 hour chunk of time from my Sundays more often. But that's not likely to happen often. I started tutoring there on Tuesdays and it's been really great to be serving, as well as setting up service opportunities for college students. It was starting to feel a little bit weird not doing what I was making paths for others to be able to do. The service was very different from Blackhawk. I was a minority. I was quiet. I moved a little bit during worship, but not nearly as much as I'm sure the people around me were moving. It was very freeing at the same time that it was intimidating. But the way these people approached worship was inspiring and reminded me of my inheritance in Christ.
I was sitting in a coffee shop with Brent after the disheartening Brewers loss that booted them out of the playoffs (sad). There was a break in the rain clouds that cast a beautiful and interesting light upon the street outside as I was reading through Erik Dunkin's blog that he is keeping while he is doing Teach for America on the southside of Chicago. Oh goodness. He is in over his head, and I'm pretty sure he knows it. But he is keeping with it despite that, which is inspiring and unbelievable. But I was reading through a letter that he wrote and posted an excerpt on. And I realized that Erik was asking the same questions that I have been batting around for some time now.
So with that, I was able to ask more questions. Here is what I wrote back to him:
I was just talking with one of the pastors at bhawk about this. The Grace Works series was great and inspiring and everything. But I can’t help but feel like a vast majority of people may have missed what is truly happening at this point. That they will jump from doing nothing to doing something, but never stopping to know *why* that something is being done…without contemplating the reality of their salvation and the reason why it creates a reaction of wanting to serve the poor and the lonely and the downcast. Could it be that we have created too much of a pendulum swing? Will we create a culture where everything is purely based off of a check list now?
It’s a fine line.
And if this is truly the heart of God and this is the reality of our salvation; and if this is what it takes to truly know who Christ is and to have a relationship with Him, then the road to Him is even narrower than I originally anticipated.
And then there’s also this question: If good works are the result of a transformation in Christ, does it mean that if there is no such reaction that we really don’t trust God for our salvation just yet? –Does it mean that we never had it to begin with? Or is it more that good works are a result of a salvation that has matured?
This is something that has been developing for a while in me. These questions are central premises to everything. Let me try to describe to you how I feel about this:
I feel like I am looking up at this ceiling. And on this ceiling there is a beautiful painting...we're talking Sistine Chapel here. But there is a fresh coat of solid blue paint over the top of the whole thing. And every once in a while, I reach up and run my finger across the paint to reveal a glimpse of the masterpiece underneath. But the ceiling is so big. And the paint is so thick. And I know that no matter how much I try to clear off, it's too vast and even if I could, the image beneath would be blurry, smeared and cloudy.
So I settle and am content to just grasp a small sight of the bigger picture whenever I have the opportunity, but I'm dying to know what the bigger picture is. Day after day, I get a piece of the painting...a new image...revealing to me how ignorant I was yesterday on what is truly the image beneath.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Naivety
To begin with, the Brewers are in the playoffs and had their first game today. They lost, but I have faith that they will redeem themselves tomorrow for game 2 against the Phillies.
It was dumb on my part to go hiking through the woods, off the trail, in nothing but my Chacos and jeans rolled up.
That isn't the only area that I have been naive though. But at least I am learning. I feel like I may be going through a period of growth right now, which is good, but it's a little disconcerting to know how silly and inexperienced you are.
So due to my blisters, I couldn't run this morning, but I decided to attempt a walk instead because it was a beautiful morning and I wanted to get some amount of exercise. Because I was walking, I was able to stop and think more. I miss the long walks to class, especially on beautiful fall mornings like today. At any rate, I was walking and one thing that I always seem to do when I walk is to pray. It is just a nice time to reflect and have quiet and I always enjoy it.
But as I was praying, I realized lately that my prayers have been severely lacking in sentiment or even content lately.
I have been incredibly hard-hearted recently, which I think has caused a great amount of naivety in me, and therefore, a frustration of other people because I am not teachable. I realized that my prayers have severely lacked confession, or even a desire to want things that I should confess to be brought to the surface. After thinking about this a bit more on the walk, I realized that confession used to be much easier for me. When I was not such a 'moral person,' (please note the amount of sarcasm that you would have heard in my voice if we had been talking face to face) confession used to be much easier to come up with things. "God forgive me for getting drunk last night and making out with that boy" is much easier than "God forgive me for judging that person because I don't think their way of serving is as good as mine" or even "God forgive me for not being willing to see areas in my life that I need to confess to you."
It's an interesting thing to realize that you are just like the Pharisee you read about in Mark that morning... when you figure out that the way you think is wrong... that you are not at all good enough on your own and that you have a constant need to be lead by the one who created you.
And it's a nauseating thing to know that just when you think you are so good, you are probably at a time when you are the worst.
On my walk I also thought about the last 4 sermons that I heard at Blackhawk, all on Grace and why we are saved and the reaction in us that this should cause. (Ephesians 2:4-10) As I was thinking about it, or rather, as I was thinking about all of the things that I have been thinking about for 4 weeks, and even before that, I was struck with this idea that I had missed it entirely...and that many people may have missed the message entirely. It is not that we are saved to evangelize people and to "spread the kingdom of God." We are saved for the reason that is much narrower and cooler than that. We are saved to show people the love of Christ, and BECAUSE of that, the kingdom of God is shown to those who need to see it. It is a fine line of distinction. And if this is also what it takes to know Christ and therefore, to receive eternal life, then the idea that the "path is narrow" takes on an even realer reality. First, the line must be identified, and then it must be followed.
And how often am I actually able to make that distinction in my life?
Ouch...
Thursday, September 25, 2008
discontentment
I'm not really sure what I'm doing at this point.
I'm sure I just need time to adjust, but I'm really not sure that I'm going to like this whole switch to Trader Joe's. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll love it and that I'm fortunate to have it along side of this internship, but I can't help but feel...well...not excited about it. Everyone keeps asking me how I like it and I feel like I'm constantly putting on a smile and saying "Yes, I like it." I mean, let's be honest here. It's a grocery store. A glorified grocery store. And I can tell myself all I want that I am happy to have a job that doesn't require much thought processes, but at the end of the day, it just feels like a waste.
Maybe my brother is finally getting to me. Maybe I need to give up and just look for some sort of job that pushes me. But the internship is doing it. I LOVE this internship. I want to pursue this internship.
I really miss having my nights. I mean, if it's a grocery store, why do they really need me to work nights? I'm sure there are plenty of other people that work there that love working nights. I hate it. I hate 2nd shift. My life happens right during those hours. And I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid to ask off for the 2 concerts that I want to go see coming up. I am afraid to say that I want Thursday nights back because of a Bible study that I'd love to attend, not to mention, once a month, I have meetings.
Maybe I'm being selfish? Starbucks gave me nights off. At least I had that. Ugh. I do not regret the decision to leave though. Those early mornings were awful. If I didn't have to worry about insurance, this would be so much easier. I could just work somewhere fun and cute on Monroe street.
Well, I have my first night shift tonight.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Andy Camann played his first solo show last night at the Frequency. It was a great show. He's really very talented and passionate about what he does and it's evident and inspiring. Plus, getting to hear a slew of his songs again was just fun. The only other time I'd seen that was when we hulled up in his apartment and I begged him to play songs for me. :P
After that, Eric and I ran to go get some food and watch the Brewer game at the Local Tavern. Good little place, though ridiculously hot.
On the way to grab food, we were walking and a guy turned around and asked us where we were heading. We informed him that we were going to grab some food and he gave us tickets and said "Well, you should double back and come check out the show I'm doing at the Majestic with VH1." So we took the tickets, went to dinner and during dinner realized it was a comedy show. Christian Finnigan was the headliner comedian and we made it with plenty of time to see him. I've never gone to see a live comedian, but I have learned that I would so do it again. He was hilarious and I laughed so hard that Eric thought I wasn't getting air at times.
Not to mention, any time I get to hang out and laugh with Eric gets chalked up to "nights that I love life more than often."
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Self-awareness is a pain
Do you know that feeling?
The one where you wake up in the middle of the night, knowing you forgot to do something.
The one where you leave your house and as your walking out the door, have the absolutely unquenchable feeling that you are forgetting something...that something just isn't right.
And then, at about 1:42pm, while you're sitting in Olive Garden with the friend you haven't gotten to catch up with in months, it hits you.
Self-awareness sets in. You get that knot in your stomach, put down the breadstick and the words that your friend is saying slowly fall into the distance as you figure out that the reason you have felt so oddly for months is now staring at you in your mind's eye, screaming for an explanation.
It's amazing. The more I try to learn to be more like Jesus, the more I see how far I am from being like Him. Times like the self-awareness explosion are the most humbling experiences that I can think of to date. They are the times when I realize that I have been judging people without intending to, which is even worse than judging people with the intention of judgement. It means that this act of judgement is innate in me. It is part of who I am. There is no escaping it, without help of course...
Grace is a beautiful thing. I don't always know that people will offer my grace when I wrong them. But I know one place where I will always find grace and forgiveness. And hopefully, grace is working in the person that I wronged, too, and rectification takes place.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The Beauty of Ugliness
This weekend brought out a depth of beauty that I haven't seen in a while. It was by no means a nice weekend as far as weather was concerned. It rained a lot and was pretty chilly. Maybe I am simply emotional because a very good friend got married today. But I really don't think so.
Yesterday, I woke up on my day off and it was raining. Bummer, right? No way. I got up, got dressed, and went to the farmer's market, which was lovely in and of itself. Today, it was cloudy, windy, cold, and still threatening rain, though it wasn't wet just yet. But the colors of the farm fields have turned to this golden yellow and against the stormy, steel-blue colored sky, the colors stood out and took my breath away.
Tonight, as it rained on the way home from Becca and Andy's wedding, the raindrops formed this beautiful blur of street lamp light through the soon-to-be fallen leaves on the trees. I put in a Nickel Creek cd and listened to Pastures New while I went to get some gas and just enjoyed the beauty of something that did not seem to be innately beautiful. But it was.
Somethings are strikingly beautiful and everyone knows that they are such. Becca walking in the back door of the chapel today was a stunning sight. She was the first bride to ever literally take my breath away. And the love they have for each other is obvious and evident and beautiful in that.
But then there are those things that are beautiful that get passed by every day.
The chocolate color of the ground only takes on when it has been raining for 3 days straight.
The yellow and browned leaves trickling onto the sidewalk below a series of oak trees.
The unresolved chord at the end of a song played on a fiddle.
The wrinkled and burden-beaten hands of my dad.
The way in which people choose to love each other in relationships, friendships and romantic alike, despite the ugliness of human nature. The commitment to love people and show grace will always be the most beautiful and astounding thing in the world to me. And it is always something that I will strive to be better at because I am saved to do so. The beyond-beauty of the reconciliation of the world to a God that loves it because people understand the bigger picture that it is not what they are saved from, but rather what they are saved for. (Thank you, Tim Mackie, for explaining something so concisely that I have been trying to figure out how to say for months.)
Incredible...
Thoughts slowly start trickling back
I simply have just not been making enough time to write and it is sad. Creative thoughts are something that come naturally, but you have to take the time to stop and look at the world in order to be inspired. I learned that today.
Today was my first completely unscheduled day in over a month. I didn't have work. I didn't have anything to do for the internship. I didn't have a wedding. I didn't have a meeting.
I woke up and it was raining. I went to the farmer's market in the rain and was overtaken by the loveliness of all of the peppers, apples, melons, carrots and other yummy produce, glimmering in all of their rain-soaked glory.
After that, I headed over to the Madison Museum of Contemporary Art with Amanda. They've got a wonderful piece up right now. If you have never seen the art museum, let me tell you first of all that on section of it is entirely walled in by floor to ceiling (3 stories, I blieve?) by glass. They currently have ribbons of all colors hanging down from the ceiling to the floor, waving in the breezes. It's really stunning. And inside the museum, there is a maze of color and you can walk through it and run through it. It's truly breathtaking.
I went to see a George Segal exhibit that I've been wanting to see, though. He is a sculptor, and an amazing one at that. He really was able to capture the essence of a person in his work. I know that sounds trite, but really. He's great and if you are in the Madison area, you NEED to go see this. I teared up at a couple of the pieces. And he just has great thoughts to go along with this work.
"I think that every minute of existence is miraculous and extraordinary." -G.S.
It really comes out in his pieces.
I have more thoughts to process, but I need to go to bed because I need to be emotionally prepared for Becca's wedding tomorrow. Joyousness! :)
Monday, September 8, 2008
Everything I learned, I learned from my roommate's copy of the first season of Grey's Anatomy
Ok. This may seem a bit odd. But let me explain.
Life for the last week or so has been nothing short of insane once again. But I'm starting to get used to the schedule. And the schedule alone. When I think I've got it, I get pushed farther. My patience and ability to keep an even keel in a stressful situation was tried this past Sunday and I could see myself losing it, but managed to pull through with only a stumble instead of a 'fall flat on my face fest.' I see how much I can learn from everyone around me, though, and more importantly, I can see how relying on God for everything is just essential.
But moreso, this week, I realized something. I am currently really considering to avenues for my life: something in the medical field and ministry. I love the hands on activity of both of them. Idleness in either one simply does not exist. While watching an episode of Grey's tonight (ummm...I don't normally actually get into shows, but I was in need of zoning out for a bit) I realized that they are actually similar and this explains why I am drawn to them both. Upon first glance, you might wonder what in the world I am talking about. Ministry and nursing?? What could they possibly have in common besides the obvious cliche of the "healing power." (Ew. I hate cliche metaphors.) But, after looking at the broader picture of both of them, I figured this out:
Both of them are life encompassing. They are not black and white. They are not jobs that you simply leave at work. They are messy.
They deal with people, so this is bound to be a fact.
Apparently, there is something in my nature that takes to this idea of the submersion of my life within a vocation.
Friday, September 5, 2008
annnnnnnnnd
All of that tantruming has now lead to the overwhelming feeling that I am a silly silly girl.
Sorry for that outburst...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
oh cripes
Wow. I am incredibly emotional and incredibly angry right now. I know that I am being completely irrational and a total "girl" but for real. I might be having a panic attack.
I don't understand people. I hate being an extrovert. I hate that people don't understand for a while until they get to know me that I simply like to be around people. And I'm really sick of having to deal with them being overwhelmed and me feeling like there is something wrong with me because of it.
Seriously. What the crap is indeed wrong with me? I'm to the point where I don't even want to have close friends. Keeping people at a distance would be much easier for someone like me. I can feel myself shutting down again.
This might be incredibly selfish. This might be incredibly foolish.
But either way, I'm pissed off about it right now.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Domesti-rae
I had my first little dinner party in our new place tonight. I had the guys that helped with the move over to say thanks for helping. I liked having people in the apartment. Val stopped by before hand and I just hugged her. I miss her tons, even though she is just across town. It's amazing: if you're not within blocks of each other in this city, you don't see people. (Or you have to spend 3 hours cooking a meal to coax people over....)
I love hugs. I don't think that I receive enough hugs anymore. So if you're reading this (all 3 of you) and you see me, give me a hug. I give good hugs back and it will pay out more than you give. I promise.
So it's official. I've got a major case of writer's block. I could fumble over a piece of beautiful language even if I wanted to. Everything that I write seems to drip on the countertop like the moldy tomato juice that I had to scrub off the cabinet today.
But I find solace in the fact that other people are still writing magnificent turns of phrases, even when I can't. For instance, I read this today:
"We're still picking plenty of late-coming ripe tomatoes out of the garden, both yellow and red. (I'm still convinced that cupping a hand beneath a plump, vine-ripened tomato in the summer is a particular pleasure that the church must have forgotten to forbid.) But the golden rod is yellowing, and will soon announce in earnest that ready or not, fall is coming. You can hear it out there in the night orchestras of insects: Sing like your life depends on it, it won't last forever." (Linford Detweiler, OTR update letter)
Man, it's just an alluring paragraph. It makes me want to wander the garden at my parent's house as the sun goes down, which is getting quicker and quicker every day. There's a reason OTR has been my favorite band for 13 years...
Around this time of year, panic sets in: Those insect sounds that I do hear out my window will shortly be replaced with the snowy silence. While the silence is beautiful, the favorite by far is the chorus of crickets and breezes meandering past the leaves.
I think I need to find a pen pal.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
A lamp, a shoe and an allergy pill walk into a bar...
So yesterday was the (unofficial) last day of summer. Technically, we still have 19 days left of it, but everyone knows that summer ends after Labor Day. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to not having a summer vacation anymore. By this time when you are in school, you're entirely ready to get back into it and for there to be cooler weather and the colors of fall.
I don't regret this summer at all, but it did feel a little bit devoid of any substance. There were definitely high points. But I understand the monotony of the working grindstone now.
Every day that I go further into this internship, I love it more. It has presented me with challenges that I never thought were possible.
I love these challenges.
I love that I am utilizing actual mental capacity.
I love the team that I work on.
I love that I fall more in love with Jesus because of everything that I am being presented with.
I love that I can't do any of the stuff that they have me doing on my own, and yet I am specifically created and designed to do it with my gifts and passions. (conundrum)
I love the passion and creativity of students and the people I work with.
It is definitely something that I feel like I could do for a long time. But I am asking questions. I am struggling. I am nervous much of the time. I am tired much of the time.
I am, however, a little confused at how things are turning out. By this time, according to my plan (joke, right?) I should have had a nursing assistant job to go along side of this. But, despite my pretty decent resume, I have not yet found a job.
The thing I am having a far more difficult time with, though, is the fact that I simply can't seem to find anything to write about. I would seem that I have writer's block in a most severe way. I'm not sure what's going on. Perhaps it is as simple as the fact that I have just not made time for it. But I can't even seem to find things to want to write about. Perhaps I just need to take more time to really take in the world around me. It's never been a problem before. Then again, I've never worked 60 hour weeks before.
Fall always makes me acutely aware of my desire to write, so maybe that will be enough to push me along. But I have not had that overwhelming beauty drown me with it's splendid covering in a long while.
I guess I'll have to learn to carve out time for that too.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
my favorite nights
I sat and chilled around a campfire with Eric, Pete, Dave and Delaina tonight and it was one of my favorite nights in a really long time.
There's something to be said for sitting and enjoying a beautiful, brink-of-fall evening with a small group of people who know you really well. Granted, none of them have known me beyond 2 years ago, but in that time, I feel that they have really come to know who I truly am and I love that I can just be with them.
Anyway, it's almost 3am and for whatever reason, I'm not asleep yet, despite having been up for almost 24 hours.
Oh, also...
Welcome Aston Pierce Gillen into the world. Niece/nephew #8. One more step in the process for Gillen world domination.
:)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Getting Dirty
It's 9:20pm on a Thursday night and the only thing that is keeping me from going to bed right now is the fact that I have laundry in the drier downstairs and need to wait for it to be done.
It's been a really intense week and I'm exhausted, with another really long day to go yet tomorrow.
I was running over to the other girls' apartment (which is really just across the grassy knoll in between our buildings) but in order to get there, I had to climb through kind of a muddy mess in the rain. In the process, I slipped and fell into the mud, but a piney bush caught most of my fall. But I did end up fairly muddy. (Which sucked because we don't have hot water right now to be able to take a shower. The shower today was ridiculous.)
I laughed and shook it off, but it was the perfect topping to the day. In general, it was just one of those days that you kind of want to shake off completely. ...Except for the meeting I got to have with Autumn, who is an awesome girl working with Fountain of Life church on the Southside of Madison. This girl gets it and my meetings with her are always encouraging and challenging for both of us.
2 weeks into this internship, I'm experiencing the excitement and frustrations of ministry. It is wonderful and painful all at the same time. It is the biggest contradiction I've ever experienced. I love being a part of the team. I love the work that is happening in my heart and in the hearts of the students on my team. I love the creativity and passion involved.
But along with that comes frustrations... along with that comes emotions and complexities that I never even knew existed.
One of the most daunting things that I'm experiencing right now is this:
Square one: Service is essential. How many references in Scripture are there that tell followers of Christ to care for the margins of society? Good deeds and Good news go hand in hand. They do not separate. They are essential to one another.
The problem: The church (generalized Church) has built up walls. We no longer move toward our neighbor, but hull up in our big buildings and run our programs for ourselves with very little thought as to the welfare of the guy living across the street from us.
Luckily, some people are making amazing strides to bust those walls down and it's creating a revolution among what should be the "body of Christ." We are being pushed to become the Church once again. This challenge is both exhilarating and ridiculously difficult at the same time.
Why is this daunting to me? Because of this fact: The question with this internship that arises is how in the world do we get people, specifically college students in my case, to stop seeing service as part of a check list and start seeing it as essential? How does that heart develop? Obviously, God works in the hearts of people, but to some extent, it is our responsibility to respond out of obedience, due to the Greatest Commandments: Love God. Love others. All others fall under those two.
But how do we move toward the fatherless and the widow...the man recently released from prison...the drifter who needs a place to sleep for the night that isn't a park bench...the single mom trying to make ends meet and keep her children out of trouble? How do we move toward the woman who has been sexually abused and the family that has hit a financial snag due to their father's illness? Jesus loved them. Jesus didn't see them as part of His checklist. He was there with them. He hurt with them. He healed them. And, in doing so, people believed.
Good Works. Good News.
There's no disconnecting them.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Time Spent Alone
I've spent more time alone in the last couple of weeks here in this new apartment than I have ever spent alone in my entire life. But I think the adjustment is going fairly smoothly, though. I've just been so incredibly busy and the time that I do get alone just gives me time to get more stuff done or to do other stuff.
But it's been a crazy couple of weeks.
I've learned how to nap. We never thought it would happen, but I have successfully taken 3 naps in the last 2 weeks. And I actually slept. It wasn't just a doze. We're talking out completely...fire alarms would barely wake me up. This is a good thing to learn, considering that 3:45am wake up times have happened in recent days.
I've also learned what it's like to get paid for something that you like to do. What in the world?? Is this what it's like to have a job that you enjoy? Sure, it's been a tough transition to working on a team, spending some amount of time in Cubeland (though really not much...) and getting work done in a productive manner, while still attempting to be creative. Starbucks has even taken on a new glimmer because the internship just jazzes everything else up. Finding a job as a CNA is still a priority, though. It's proving to be a little more difficult than what I thought it would be. I thought that they were in such high demand? Apparently I am either not cut out for it or I'm shooting way above my head. Who knows. But I can't even seem to get an interview.
The one thing that has gotten to me a little bit in the last couple of weeks is my lack of time to write. My actual paper journal hasn't been touched in a long time either. And I don't feel like there is really an creative fun thoughts coming to my head anyway. But maybe that's because it's all being used up on the internship. I don't really know, but I would really like to creative writer in me to come out. Or maybe it's because my muse has seemingly disappeared.
Anyway, I hope something entertaining happens soon, or I will lose what few of you actually read this. Hang in there...I'm bound to embarrass myself sooner or later.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Tirades
I went out with my friend Brent tonight and sat and talked for a while about all different things. One of the things to come out of the conversation was this...
Or maybe it's the fact that I've gotten, for all intents and purposes, no sleep in about a week.
Or maybe it's the fact that I've spent more time alone this week than I have ever in my life and about to embark on a year where that will be the case.
But I am irrevocably and quite unapologetically crankier than normal. Which leads to tirades from me.
First of all, I think I will freak out on the next person who gets that assertive "I'm better than you" look in their eye the next time they ask what I do and I say "I work at Starbucks."
1. I chose this position that I am in. I have 2 degrees from the school that is ranked 30th in universities (by some magazine..who knows.) Either way, I'm not hurting in the education department. If I wanted to have a better paying, less flexible job, I would.
2. The next time someone says that it's not a "real" job, I don't think that I will freak out. I know it. Who defined this so-called "real job" anyway?? Because when you really stop to think about it, which is the harder worker: The person who sits at a desk on facebook all day feigning work or the person who works up a sweat and knows how to get customers to calm down in even the worst of situations.
Now, I'm not saying that any job is better than another here. And I'm really not saying this for my benefit. I am simply saying that to the woman raising 3 kids and working 2 jobs that are both similar in stature to my Starbucks job, this is a REAL job. And people should stop and think about that before they open their mouths. Because while I chose to be there to give me flexibility while I pursue other endeavors, that woman needs that job and she may not have any other option.
I just can't handle the assertion of one person over another anymore. It's time that we get off of our high horses and start to try to understand our fellow people. So the next time you go get your Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte and you want to be rude to the person taking your order, think about someone coming into your place of employment and telling you that everything you do is wrong and that the product you just produced is crappy.
Also, I am tired. And really really stressed out.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
gar
I didn't have time today to really do much of a post
but we'll go with this:
i just kind of suck at people. i'm too much of an extrovert and i simply overwhelm people. and honestly, i don't know how to fix it because it's completely innate in me.
that's pretty much it.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
whirlwind
So it's been a week.
I really can't stay up too late at the point because I have to get up at 4:20am and I probably should just wait until tomorrow to even write anything here, but why not?
We're all moved into the new apartment...we'll touch on that tomorrow.
I started my internship...we'll touch on that for the next year.
Hints of Fall are beginning...this will cause me to want to write more.
My brain has definitely been working overtime. I'll come back tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
lying on sidewalks in the middle of the night
Today was a long day.
I woke up and started the packing/cleaning process that is move out and the day just kind of went downhill from there. Being sick and breaking your toe as a combined circumstance does not generally make for a very fun move out day. Plus, there was just a TON of stuff to do, and for a good chunk of the day, not a lot of manpower to do it. But just when I was getting tired and slap happy, the second round of roommates came through and are pulling their part so that I can pick up 1st shift again tomorrow.
I'm sad to be moving out of this house. As I look back on the year and the things I went through here, I am nostalgic. I have come to know my best friends, I think, this year. And it's a weird paradox because while I'd love for it to continue to remain the same, there's just no way it can. Marriages happen, med schools happen, and jobs in far off countries happen. And we just have to continue to push forward with it, looking for those good things as we continue on.
Interesting discussion with Tyler last night about puzzles. This is merely a note to myself to write on the topic later...
I should really sleep. Slap happy Rae is kicking in.
Waning Moons
It's not even clear out tonight, which is a sever disappointment, considering that there is a meteor shower happening the last 2 nights.
I guess a waning moon just feels a little bit like kin tonight, though. It could very well be the fact that I am really sick with an awful head cold right now or the fact that I'm pretty stressed out with moving on Thursday, but I think this is previous to all of that. I just don't feel like myself lately. The prospect of new adventures don't seem to have any sort of flare right now. Major life upheavals are about to happen and where I should be excited and happy for these opportunities, instead I am apathetic.
I just feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on myself. Is this good or bad? Not sure...
But I know that I'm crabbier than normal.
And I know that I'm less patient with people.
And I definitely know that the sarcasm had taken a bitter tone as of late.
And I definitely know that people are noticing and I hate that they are noticing because, let's face it, I care about what people think about me and I want them to like me and to think I'm an amazing girl.
Oh good gosh. We're back here.
I need to start serving again somewhere immediately. The focus has shifted too much to myself yet again. It's like that's my default mode and I just constantly pick on myself and other people and then have horrible interactions.
Bah. As many times as I've been through this, you'd think that I'd learn to not even let myself get here, but I guess it's all a learning experience and that takes time.
I just don't want to be one of those people that is a burden on other people. I want interactions to be an uplifting experience. But right now, it's just not happening.
And it's probably not a coincidence.
6 days until the internship starts...
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Something to Write about
So I got quite a bit of alone time today while painting our living room back to its ugly state of sterile, white washed walls. I'm sitting in it right now and it just feels completely different and less like home.
It is interesting to think about how much this house became a home to me this year. But I guess the catchy phrase is that home is where the heart is, and if that's the case, then home is coming with me as I move out of this house next week. Although, I really think that phrase is bull because there's also the phrase "if walls could talk." So really, I guess it's how you choose to see it. I've grown a lot this past year and learned a lot about me, the world and the people by which I am surrounded. But more importantly, I've never grown more than this year in my pursuit of God.
And this can be demonstrated yet again in something that I learn again and again and again:
Two dear friends of mine lost their father 2.5 weeks ago to suicide. This rocked me more than I really would have expected it to. I had never met their father in person, so there was seemingly no reason why it should have affected me as much as it did. My emotion in the situation really came down to 3 things, I think. First of all, as much as I am not experiencing their pain, it was painful to watch such good friends go through this and ask questions that no one should have to ask and to deal with things that no one should ever have to deal with. My heart breaks every time I think about the ramifications that they have faced and that they will continue to face because of this. Second, I believe there was a projection of myself into the situation. The big question of what will happen when my own father dies has been plaguing pretty severely for some time now and I think this hit a little close to home. Lastly, I realized recently that not only am I mourning for my friend's father. But I am mourning for my friends...because I really am not sure that either of them will ever be the same after this. A bit of who they were quite possibly died with their father. This is not to say that they will not be good people, but rather, this is something that will rock them and change them and I loved both of them so much as they were, so it is accurate to say that I am mourning the loss of who they were.
There was also the big question of suicide victims that went through my head. Their father was a believer and that is huge comfort to both of them, and now to me, but at first, honestly, I had some doubts about what happens when someone who commits suicide is a believer. How is that reconciled? And the answer that I got was absolutely the most incredible thing I have ever logically known.
I had to literally sit down and work through this like a philosophical proof (If .... then.... And if that...then....). Let me give you a little hint of this process:
I looked up suicide in my concordance, only to realize that there were only 5 mentions of suicide in the Bible and none of them contained any pertinent information for me. Well, this stumped me. If the Bible didn't say anything about it, how the crap was I supposed to answer these questions?
So then I started digging deeper and looking at it from a different angle:
Thought: The Old Testament would say that suicide is murder...self murder.
Conclusion: Suicide is a moral sin because it is murder and we are commanded against that.
Ok. Well, maybe the memory I have from Sunday school when I was little that suicides don't get to go to heaven was true? Oh. Stay tuned if this resonates with you because you're about to get your socks rocked off.
Thought: Well, even murderers in prison turn their lives around and come to know Jesus and accept His grace.
Conclusion: But they get the chance to repent that suicides don't get.
Thought: But Christ died once for all, for past, present and future sin. Scripture speaks of this death as our salvation in regards to the past, present and future.
Conclusion: By accepting Christ once as our true Saviour, ALL of our sin (past, present and future) is covered by that. Romans talks of nothing being able to separate us from the love that is found in Jesus.
So with that logical, very well thought out array of proofs, the rediscovery that Grace covers all of this shone through. Their father is very much with Jesus now, despite his choice to leave life early. Suicide doesn't change salvation. It merely expedited the process. Sure, I believe there are consequences for this. The things that their father could have done on Earth for the sake of God's kingdom here are altered. But to say that he is not with Jesus now is to say that what Jesus did on the cross was not sufficient.
And that, my friends, is the one of the most joyous discoveries I have ever obtained. (Heidi said my eyes were flying around the room while working on this one!)
And so, despite the tragedy that has happened, there is hope. And more importantly, there is grace.
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