a curiosity?

Does every guy have a girl that no other girl will ever live up to?  

I think this may very well be the most frustrating thing that I have come to realize about guys.  Sure, girls may not have it all together.  But guys, it's time to let go of the idealistic girls that you have up on pedestals.  Sooner or later, they're going to fall off.

The paradox of every ideal is that there must be a dismissal of the ideal in order to achieve the "ideal."

Brewers, beer, burgers, and boys

I had the day off today and I was so glad to have it.  I woke up, cleaned the part of the house I was responsible for, got ready, ran some errands, came home and worked on some writing stuff for a while and then rested for a bit.  After that, Pete, Dave, and Grant came over for some burgers, beer and Brewers.  Dave was going to help me transfer some stuff onto my new computer, but just like always, we failed to get it done.   While the day was very productive, I feel like it was a slightly wasted day.  Which is interesting because on Monday, after I got off work, I literally sat around and read for 8 hours before going for a run and then to a bbq with my friend Brent.  Oddly enough, that day felt like I accomplished more than I did today.  I'm not really sure what the deal is with that.  But either way, today was a nice respite from the emotion that has been taking me over the last week.  

I think a couple of things popped into my head today as I was running around trying to avoid my thoughts, though.  When I signed up for this whole believing in God thing and giving my life up to what He's doing, I signed up for everything: the good the bad and especially the things I don't understand.  But it seems that when push comes to shove, the things that I don't understand are a little more difficult to figure out than what I expected.  And when I say 'figure out,' I don't really mean understand, but more simply (or with more difficulty) I mean trying to discover a means to continue on in the world knowing what you know now;  To adjust and to adapt to the knowledge that increases with each thing that is pulled into question.  And the more interesting thing is that the knowledge isn't necessarily bad knowledge, but very often, an understanding about something good.  How do you reconcile the world, which makes me sick sometimes, to the knowledge that you gain?

How do you come to a place where it's ok to see the good in a horrible situation?  It's innate to not allow yourself to do that.

The other thing that I was thinking on today was pretty selfish compared to the other thing, so I don't really think i'll think about it again right now.  Perhaps tomorrow when I'm not so crazy-brained, I will allow myself to think more about it.  

tomatoes, basil, mozzarella

Today was a decompression day.  I felt like I finally stopped trying to grab onto the fire hose that life was last week and simply turned off the water instead.  

I started thinking through some big things in the last couple of days in dealing with what I have been writing lately.  Mr. C recommended that I sit down and see if I could find a pattern in any of it and I have.  And I think I have found some semblance of organization too.  But we'll see what happens when I finally start laying it out on Friday, as tomorrow is taken up by a trip to Green Bay to stand next to some friends that recently lost their father.  (That right there is another huge thing that has me thinking...)

But tonight, I rested my brain.  I got home from work after going to the Red Cross to donate blood, which they didn't take because they couldn't find my appointment and weren't actually open at the time.  Weird.  But I have O- blood so they are always calling me.  Anyway, after that, I sat around for a bit, which was followed by a run.  Roommates came home and I got to hang out with them for a bit, but the better part of the night by far was the time spent wandering our yard and neighborhood.  One of my favorite things to do in the summer has always been sauntering around a yard.  This usually was my parents yard, but we actually have a smaller one this year and I have some plants growing around the house, so I watered them and checked to make sure the bunnies weren't getting them.  

There is something about a yard in the twilight of a summer evening--especially a cooler one like tonight is.  It just seems to erupt in character.  And the colors are always somehow more vibrant without direct like on them.  

This then lead to quick shower and a stroll around the neighborhood.  Amy came with me for the first bit of it, but I went off on my own after I dropped her off.  You see, I have a really funny habit of picking other people's flowers.  Now, sure, this might be considered stealing, but I like to think of it is them sharing the beauty that they have the ability to plant since they own their houses.  So I will usually pick one flower from every big patch of flowers that I find and this way, no one really notices.  Well, the bouquet that I got to night was absolutely stunning and incredibly fragrant.  I'll post a picture later.

I should really go to bed, as we have a long day tomorrow.  And I am also pretty sure this will be the last of my "not fairly intense" thoughts for a bit.  I realize these posts haven't contained much for content as of late.  But I've got a feeling that's all about to change again.

blue mailboxes

So I was having a bit of dry spell in every way possible last week and probably before that, but I hadn't really noticed.

But due to some tragic circumstances, I have somehow had a wellspring open up from within me and thoughts are coming out in an organized fashion.  So much so that I think this whole blog will look a lot different starting tomorrow...that is, if I can find the time to write tomorrow.  But I will.  Because I have to. 

Because this has now become a part of who I am.  (Not the blog..but writing.)  Or maybe it hasn't become a part of me, but rather has always been a part of me.

I think the latter is the more likely answer.

Damage Control

Today was one of those days where you pick up the pieces of your week after it has been ravaged.  It was like a twister ripped through this week and scattered debris and farm animals everywhere.  To make a long story short, my mouth wrote a lot of checks this week that my butt couldn't cash.  And now I'm picking up the pieces and tentatively stepping around people to test the waters of their attitudes towards me.

So.  Things learned this week:

1. Think before you speak.  

2. Double think everything that you just thought before you speak.

3. Get more sleep so I can maintain emotional stability.

4. Don't procrastinate 2 huge life-altering steps of a process toward a goal that fall in the same week.

5. If you think you should go home, you should probably just follow that gut instinct and go home.

6. Don't take things so personally, even if they are personal.

7. Take time to write.  The little experiment of testing out how I function if I don't write for a week really didn't do me any good.

8. Learn to take advice with sincerity. 

9. Wait it out.  Patience is a virtue for a reason, and impulse usually leads to a tasty foot in the mouth.

10. Swallow the pride.  It's good for you and full of fiber.

Oh man

This really was a great weekend.

Friday, I took a drive out to Waukesha to Jen and Eric's new house to celebrate my mom's birthday.  Jen cooked a phenomenal dinner and then we all went downtown Waukesha because there's live music and goodness that happens on Friday nights there.  We found 2 of the bands and then got distracted by the coffee shop on the corner.  

Saturday, I woke up and went sailing.  I was able to get my next rating, allowing me to get trained on the rest of the boats.  (I've got another lesson tomorrow and will hopefully come out of it with a rating)  After that, I came home and hung out on my own for a bit and then Jon and I made dinner while putting together a playlist for the Jumptown dance.  We hit up the Jumptown dance and I remembered how much I really like dancing with him.  We just have fun together doing it because we can read each other pretty well after a year and a half of dancing together.  After that, we walked around State Street, as it was a beautiful night and grabbed some food at the new calzone place that is also a little bit creepy due to the sexual innuendoes that are everywhere, which is just weird.  But we got a good laugh out of it and had a pretty great discussion that got me thinking about a ton of stuff.

I then hit up the Irish Pub with Chris and Eric, where I owned 3 games of Cutthroat.  Awww yeah.

Today, I was supposed to have another sailing lesson, but it was cancelled due to too much wind.  Yes...I realize that sounds a little odd, but learning to sail in high winds is just scary.  So I jumped on my bike, made it home, jumped in the shower and then got out to church where the service was just awesome.  I think it was my favorite service that I've ever been to there.  It was on worship and what it means.  

Hannah, Will, Hannah's brother Dan, and I grabbed lunch at Frieda's after church and checked out Art Fair On The Square all afternoon and then I went back to Blackhawk to work on internship stuff, during which, I ran into Brent and we decided to go grab some coffee afterward.

Then I came home and Heidi was still up so we sat and hung out for a while.  

The best weekends for me are the ones where I get good quality time with people and I got a ton of that this weekend, as well as simply having fun. :)

Tomorrow, I write and get my internship letters out.  Productivity!

I will have a more content filled post after that.  :P

You Want Whatever's Not in Front of You...

I got out sailing on my own for the first time of the season.  

After a bit of panic due to not having gone out with my own rigging all year, I finally shoved off and got out on the water.  And it was amazing.  There's something about being out in the middle of the lake...no one else in the boat with you...no sound of a motor....hardly even the sound of the sail if I'm doing it right.  It's beautifully lonely.  This isn't something I'd say about a lot of things.  There aren't many things that I find beautiful that I also find lonely, being the extrovert that I am.  

I'm getting antsy.  I think I need to do something about some things...

Lastly

I am in love with Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung.

Also

You know in movies when you see people standing on the side of the road and they get splashed by the car driving through the huge puddle?  

Yeah.  That happened to me 4 times today.  

I road my bike out to Blackhawk and on the way back, it dumped rain and I managed to seek shelter in the Shopko garden tent, but as I road on and had to stop at intersections, the puddles that had formed were quickly run through by cars and disposed of onto my body.  4 times.

It was one of the most productive days I've seen in a long time.  And everything about it should have put me in a bad mood.  

But I'm doing well with it all. :)

Feeling Sick For the First Time in Months

Yup.  I feel sick for the first time in months.  Like that actual "Wow...I might be coming down with something" sick.  

Then again, it could just be the fact that I biked out to Blackhawk and back today and then played a full game of frisbee since we only had 3 girls again. By the end of the game, I was starting to see spots and really not feeling well.  The Brewers win took my mind off of it for a little while, but now, as I am lying in bed writing, I am feeling it more than ever and am sore on top of that.

Ok, I'm done complaining.  

Cornerstone was amazing.  77's and Over the Rhine on Friday night.  Shane Claiborne spoke and the 25th Anniversary Party Celebration featuring all sorts of goodies happened on Friday night.  Charlie Peacock and Lost Dogs on Saturday night.  There's nothing that takes me back more and has more memories wrapped in it than listening to those bands at Cornerstone.  Amazing...  There were a lot of great new bands in there too.  Not to mention some pretty exciting other things that went down that I'm too tired to actually divulge into right now.  

I had a lot of great thoughts that I will eventually get to working through while I was down there, but I'm too nauseated right now to think that hard.  I'll wait until I can actually address the thoughts with the depth that they deserve.  

Waiting

I figured that I would write a little bit while I'm waiting for Therese to show up.  She is over an hour late, which really isn't that out of the ordinary for her.  Although, I do wish I could get ahold of her to find out an approximate time of departure.  We're trying to make it to an 8:15pm concert and it's about a 5 hour drive down there.  

Oh yeah, we're headed down to Cornerstone.  Whoa, right?  Some of my favorite memories from middle school/high school are directly from the 1 week spent living in a tent, caked in dust and on absolutely no sleep, hanging out with Phil the Raging Homosexual Sea-monkey.  All we need is a van with a couch bolted into the back of it and a real doozie of a storm.  

I'm excited to be going back though.  It will be a different experience from anything that I ever knew before.  For one, I will be over the age of 18.  Also, I'm hopefully going to be having a couple of conversations about possibilities for some writing opportunities, or at least how to make those opportunities happen.  

I feel like my everyone I know is getting blindsided by life right now.  A year and a month out of college now and everyone is realizing that what they have been doing the last year is simply not adequate.  But it's not that they are looking for adequacy.  They are looking for something deeper than that.  The grittiness of life.  I'm not even sure.  Something.  

I had a conversation with Kari yesterday just getting to know one another a little better.  She and her family moved out here from California and have started to help out with CAM also.  It's weird to me that whenever I have a "get to know you" conversation with someone, it usually results much more in an opportunity for me to externally process more so than as opportunity for someone to get to know me better.  Although, I guess they go hand in hand.  It does feel a bit selfish on my part, though.  Anyway, she asked me what I went to school for and I told her: English and Religious Studies, which resulted in the inevitable "Well, that doesn't seem entirely applicable" look that I get from just about everyone.  

But she let me ramble for a minute and I realized something.  I am really glad that is what I went for.  I went for something that I was really interested in and that helped to develop me as a person and my my mind.  I spent my time in college investing in me...not a degree.  Because, let's face it, the average person probably switches careers 2-3 times in a lifetime, so to invest in a $40,000 education that will eventually be wasted doesn't seem so rational.  Maybe this is just a way for me to justify what I majored in, but it seems entirely possible that I made a really good decision in this matter.  

I can do anything with those degrees...even go back to school if I have to.  

Anyway, hour and a half late.  I wonder where she is. 

Hot Summer Nights

I got to experience The Modern Antiques live for the first time tonight.  I only got to hear a few songs, but it was a good start.  Great stuff! :)  A perfect way to start the weekend...

I feel like July is going to be good.