my favorite nights

I sat and chilled around a campfire with Eric, Pete, Dave and Delaina tonight and it was one of my favorite nights in a really long time. 

There's something to be said for sitting and enjoying a beautiful, brink-of-fall evening with a small group of people who know you really well.  Granted, none of them have known me beyond 2 years ago, but in that time, I feel that they have really come to know who I truly am and I love that I can just be with them.

Anyway, it's almost 3am and for whatever reason, I'm not asleep yet, despite having been up for almost 24 hours.

Oh, also...

Welcome Aston Pierce Gillen into the world.  Niece/nephew #8.  One more step in the process for Gillen world domination. 

:)

Getting Dirty

It's 9:20pm on a Thursday night and the only thing that is keeping me from going to bed right now is the fact that I have laundry in the drier downstairs and need to wait for it to be done.  

It's been a really intense week and I'm exhausted, with another really long day to go yet tomorrow.  

I was running over to the other girls' apartment (which is really just across the grassy knoll in between our buildings) but in order to get there, I had to climb through kind of a muddy mess in the rain.  In the process, I slipped and fell into the mud, but a piney bush caught most of my fall.  But I did end up fairly muddy.  (Which sucked because we don't have hot water right now to be able to take a shower.  The shower today was ridiculous.)

I laughed and shook it off, but it was the perfect topping to the day.  In general, it was just one of those days that you kind of want to shake off completely.  ...Except for the meeting I got to have with Autumn, who is an awesome girl working with Fountain of Life church on the Southside of Madison.  This girl gets it and my meetings with her are always encouraging and challenging for both of us.

2 weeks into this internship, I'm experiencing the excitement and frustrations of ministry.  It is wonderful and painful all at the same time.  It is the biggest contradiction I've ever experienced.  I love being a part of the team.  I love the work that is happening in my heart and in the hearts of the students on my team.  I love the creativity and passion involved.  

But along with that comes frustrations... along with that comes emotions and complexities that I never even knew existed.  

One of the most daunting things that I'm experiencing right now is this:

Square one:  Service is essential.  How many references in Scripture are there that tell followers of Christ to care for the margins of society?  Good deeds and Good news go hand in hand.  They do not separate.  They are essential to one another.  

The problem: The church (generalized Church) has built up walls.  We no longer move toward our neighbor, but hull up in our big buildings and run our programs for ourselves with very little thought as to the welfare of the guy living across the street from us.  

Luckily, some people are making amazing strides to bust those walls down and it's creating a revolution among what should be the "body of Christ."  We are being pushed to become the Church once again.  This challenge is both exhilarating and ridiculously difficult at the same time.  

Why is this daunting to me?  Because of this fact:  The question with this internship that arises is how in the world do we get people, specifically college students in my case, to stop seeing service as part of a check list and start seeing it as essential?  How does that heart develop?  Obviously, God works in the hearts of people, but to some extent, it is our responsibility to respond out of obedience, due to the Greatest Commandments: Love God. Love others.  All others fall under those two.  

But how do we move toward the fatherless and the widow...the man recently released from prison...the drifter who needs a place to sleep for the night that isn't a park bench...the single mom trying to make ends meet and keep her children out of trouble?  How do we move toward the woman who has been sexually abused and the family that has hit a financial snag due to their father's illness?  Jesus loved them.  Jesus didn't see them as part of His checklist.  He was there with them.  He hurt with them.  He healed them.  And, in doing so, people believed.  

Good Works.  Good News.  

There's no disconnecting them.

Time Spent Alone

I've spent more time alone in the last couple of weeks here in this new apartment than I have ever spent alone in my entire life.  But I think the adjustment is going fairly smoothly, though.  I've just been so incredibly busy and the time that I do get alone just gives me time to get more stuff done or to do other stuff.  

But it's been a crazy couple of weeks.

I've learned how to nap.  We never thought it would happen, but I have successfully taken 3 naps in the last 2 weeks.  And I actually slept.  It wasn't just a doze.  We're talking out completely...fire alarms would barely wake me up.  This is a good thing to learn, considering that 3:45am wake up times have happened in recent days.

I've also learned what it's like to get paid for something that you like to do.  What in the world??  Is this what it's like to have a job that you enjoy?  Sure, it's been a tough transition to working on a team, spending some amount of time in Cubeland (though really not much...) and getting work done in a productive manner, while still attempting to be creative.  Starbucks has even taken on a new glimmer because the internship just jazzes everything else up.  Finding a job as a CNA is still a priority, though.  It's proving to be a little more difficult than what I thought it would be.  I thought that they were in such high demand?  Apparently I am either not cut out for it or I'm shooting way above my head.  Who knows.  But I can't even seem to get an interview.

The one thing that has gotten to me a little bit in the last couple of weeks is my lack of time to write.  My actual paper journal hasn't been touched in a long time either.  And I don't feel like there is really an creative fun thoughts coming to my head anyway.  But maybe that's because it's all being used up on the internship.  I don't really know, but I would really like to creative writer in me to come out.  Or maybe it's because my muse has seemingly disappeared.  

Anyway, I hope something entertaining happens soon, or I will lose what few of you actually read this.  Hang in there...I'm bound to embarrass myself sooner or later.

Tirades

I went out with my friend Brent tonight and sat and talked for a while about all different things.  One of the things to come out of the conversation was this...

Maybe it's just the fact that I'm transitioning again.

Or maybe it's the fact that I've gotten, for all intents and purposes, no sleep in about a week.

Or maybe it's the fact that I've spent more time alone this week than I have ever in my life and about to embark on a year where that will be the case.

But I am irrevocably and quite unapologetically crankier than normal.  Which leads to tirades from me.

First of all, I think I will freak out on the next person who gets that assertive "I'm better than you" look in their eye the next time they ask what I do and I say "I work at Starbucks."  

1. I chose this position that I am in.  I have 2 degrees from the school that is ranked 30th in universities (by some magazine..who knows.)  Either way, I'm not hurting in the education department.  If I wanted to have a better paying, less flexible job, I would. 

2. The next time someone says that it's not a "real" job, I don't think that I will freak out.  I know it.  Who defined this so-called "real job" anyway??  Because when you really stop to think about it, which is the harder worker: The person who sits at a desk on facebook all day feigning work or the person who works up a sweat and knows how to get customers to calm down in even the worst of situations.

Now, I'm not saying that any job is better than another here.  And I'm really not saying this for my benefit.  I am simply saying that to the woman raising 3 kids and working 2 jobs that are both similar in stature to my Starbucks job, this is a REAL job.  And people should stop and think about that before they open their mouths.  Because while I chose to be there to give me flexibility while I pursue other endeavors, that woman needs that job and she may not have any other option.  

I just can't handle the assertion of one person over another anymore.  It's time that we get off of our high horses and start to try to understand our fellow people.  So the next time you go get your Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte and you want to be rude to the person taking your order, think about someone coming into your place of employment and telling you that everything you do is wrong and that the product you just produced is crappy.  

Also, I am tired.  And really really stressed out.  

gar

I didn't have time today to really do much of a post

but we'll go with this:

i just kind of suck at people.  i'm too much of an extrovert and i simply overwhelm people.  and honestly, i don't know how to fix it because it's completely innate in me.

that's pretty much it.  

whirlwind

So it's been a week.

I really can't stay up too late at the point because I have to get up at 4:20am and I probably should just wait until tomorrow to even write anything here, but why not?

We're all moved into the new apartment...we'll touch on that tomorrow.

I started my internship...we'll touch on that for the next year.

Hints of Fall are beginning...this will cause me to want to write more.

My brain has definitely been working overtime.  I'll come back tomorrow.

lying on sidewalks in the middle of the night

Today was a long day.

I woke up and started the packing/cleaning process that is move out and the day just kind of went downhill from there.  Being sick and breaking your toe as a combined circumstance does not generally make for a very fun move out day.  Plus, there was just a TON of stuff to do, and for a good chunk of the day, not a lot of manpower to do it.  But just when I was getting tired and slap happy, the second round of roommates came through and are pulling their part so that I can pick up 1st shift again tomorrow.

I'm sad to be moving out of this house.  As I look back on the year and the things I went through here, I am nostalgic.  I have come to know my best friends, I think, this year.  And it's a weird paradox because while I'd love for it to continue to remain the same, there's just no way it can.  Marriages happen, med schools happen, and jobs in far off countries happen.  And we just have to continue to push forward with it, looking for those good things as we continue on.

Interesting discussion with Tyler last night about puzzles.  This is merely a note to myself to write on the topic later...

I should really sleep.  Slap happy Rae is kicking in.

Waning Moons

It's not even clear out tonight, which is a sever disappointment, considering that there is a meteor shower happening the last 2 nights.  

I guess a waning moon just feels a little bit like kin tonight, though.  It could very well be the fact that I am really sick with an awful head cold right now or the fact that I'm pretty stressed out with moving on Thursday, but I think this is previous to all of that.  I just don't feel like myself lately.  The prospect of new adventures don't seem to have any sort of flare right now.  Major life upheavals are about to happen and where I should be excited and happy for these opportunities, instead I am apathetic.  

I just feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on myself.  Is this good or bad?  Not sure...

But I know that I'm crabbier than normal.  

And I know that I'm less patient with people.

And I definitely know that the sarcasm had taken a bitter tone as of late.

And I definitely know that people are noticing and I hate that they are noticing because, let's face it, I care about what people think about me and I want them to like me and to think I'm an amazing girl.  

Oh good gosh.  We're back here.

I need to start serving again somewhere immediately.  The focus has shifted too much to myself yet again.  It's like that's my default mode and I just constantly pick on myself and other people and then have horrible interactions.

Bah.  As many times as I've been through this, you'd think that I'd learn to not even let myself get here, but I guess it's all a learning experience and that takes time.  

I just don't want to be one of those people that is a burden on other people.  I want interactions to be an uplifting experience.  But right now, it's just not happening.  

And it's probably not a coincidence.  

6 days until the internship starts...  

Something to Write about

So I got quite a bit of alone time today while painting our living room back to its ugly state of sterile, white washed walls.  I'm sitting in it right now and it just feels completely different and less like home.  

It is interesting to think about how much this house became a home to me this year.  But I guess the catchy phrase is that home is where the heart is, and if that's the case, then home is coming with me as I move out of this house next week.  Although, I really think that phrase is bull because there's also the phrase "if walls could talk."  So really, I guess it's how you choose to see it.  I've grown a lot this past year and learned  a lot about me, the world and the people by which I am surrounded.  But more importantly, I've never grown more than this year in my pursuit of God.  

And this can be demonstrated yet again in something that I learn again and again and again:

Two dear friends of mine lost their father 2.5 weeks ago to suicide.  This rocked me more than I really would have expected it to.  I had never met their father in person, so there was seemingly no reason why it should have affected me as much as it did.  My emotion in the situation really came down to 3 things, I think.  First of all, as much as I am not experiencing their pain, it was painful to watch such good friends go through this and ask questions that no one should have to ask and to deal with things that no one should ever have to deal with.  My heart breaks every time I think about the ramifications that they have faced and that they will continue to face because of this.  Second, I believe there was a projection of myself into the situation.  The big question of what will happen when my own father dies has been plaguing pretty severely for some time now and I think this hit a little close to home.  Lastly, I realized recently that not only am I mourning for my friend's father.  But I am mourning for my friends...because I really am not sure that either of them will ever be the same after this.  A bit of who they were quite possibly died with their father.  This is not to say that they will not be good people, but rather, this is something that will rock them and change them and I loved both of them so much as they were, so it is accurate to say that I am mourning the loss of who they were.  

There was also the big question of suicide victims that went through my head.  Their father was a believer and that is huge comfort to both of them, and now to me, but at first, honestly, I had some doubts about what happens when someone who commits suicide is a believer.  How is that reconciled?  And the answer that I got was absolutely the most incredible thing I have ever logically known. 

I had to literally sit down and work through this like a philosophical proof (If .... then.... And if that...then....).  Let me give you a little hint of this process:

I looked up suicide in my concordance, only to realize that there were only 5 mentions of suicide in the Bible and none of them contained any pertinent information for me.  Well, this stumped me.  If the Bible didn't say anything about it, how the crap was I supposed to answer these questions?

So then I started digging deeper and looking at it from a different angle:

Thought: The Old Testament would say that suicide is murder...self murder.

Conclusion: Suicide is a moral sin because it is murder and we are commanded against that.  

Ok.  Well, maybe the memory I have from Sunday school when I was little that suicides don't get to go to heaven was true?  Oh.  Stay tuned if this resonates with you because you're about to get your socks rocked off.

Thought: Well, even murderers in prison turn their lives around and come to know Jesus and accept His grace.

Conclusion: But they get the chance to repent that suicides don't get.  

Thought: But Christ died once for all, for past, present and future sin.  Scripture speaks of this death as our salvation in regards to the past, present and future.  

Conclusion: By accepting Christ once as our true Saviour, ALL of our sin (past, present and future) is covered by that.  Romans talks of nothing being able to separate us from the love that is found in Jesus.  

So with that logical, very well thought out array of proofs, the rediscovery that Grace covers all of this shone through.  Their father is very much with Jesus now, despite his choice to leave life early.  Suicide doesn't change salvation.  It merely expedited the process.  Sure, I believe there are consequences for this.   The things that their father could have done on Earth for the sake of God's kingdom here are altered.  But to say that he is not with Jesus now is to say that what Jesus did on the cross was not sufficient.  

And that, my friends, is the one of the most joyous discoveries I have ever obtained.  (Heidi said my eyes were flying around the room while working on this one!)

And so, despite the tragedy that has happened, there is hope.  And more importantly, there is grace.

Stranded

I've been sitting with a blank screen for the last 15 minutes here, so I just decided to start writing about that.  I have been stuck in a writer's block for the last 2 weeks or so and I can't figure out how to get out of it.  But Andy sent me something today that just talked about how you should keep creating, even if it's not quality, so quantity, here I come.

I spent the day sailing with Brian, Lindsay, Rick, Monica and Delaina yesterday.  We weren't going to go, but at the last minute, I thought there was enough wind, and sure enough, there was plenty.  So much so, in fact, that on the other side of the lake, one of our lines snapped and we had to jimmy rig it to get it back.  But we made it and had a good time.  Lindsay is moving up to Minnesota on Saturday, so that kind of sucks for us here.  I'm going to miss her like crazy.  But I guess that means I'll have one more person up there to justify the trips up there.  Slowly, as people start to drift in and out of Madison, I'm realizing more and more that I need to keep moving.  This time of life is not the time when my friend pool will be steady, which I guess eliminates the possibility of stagnant relationships.

I just feel like I'm in a constant state of adjusting.  Everything feels relative.  Measurements are fleeting because the point at which you being to measure is never accurate.  

Most of me really hopes that life evens out after a while, but part of me is afraid for that.  We all know how non-committal I actually am.  

I've also hit a little dry spot with God.  I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with the fact that for 2 months, I haven't really been serving anywhere.  And that is where I saw God and where I grew and developed the most.  So I guess, I'm looking forward to students to come back so that I have a place to serve again.  Or maybe I've actually hit a road block here.

But the only way to combat that is to just fight against it...

Settling into 24

So yesterday, I turned 24.  

All in all, it was a good day.  I went to go see Dark Knight with Kelly, David and Ben, played a horribly hot frisbee game in which the girls had to go savage the whole time, showered up, went to the Dane to share some food and pitchers and then went off to see Shoeless Revolution with Andy and Palma.  

Other stuff has been going on.  I don't think that I can really articulate it on here so I'm not going to try.  But as soon as I can update with something more thrilling to read, I will do so.  

Until then, thanks for the birthday wishes.  I love you all :)