so in order to make sense of this...
the 3 posts below this one were written in consecutive order, but on here, they appear in reverse. so start with the bottom post from 3/30 and work your way up.
no more confusion. :P
Monday, March 30, 2009
Waiting for Noon
A long time ago, I wrote about the "beauty of ugliness," and that has stuck with me ever since. I see it everywhere now. A few days ago, I wrote this on a post-it note:
"The beauty of ugliness directly plays into the Gospel and God's response to us when we mess up. His response is not anger but to devise a plan to reconcile us to Himself. 2nd Samuel and Romans 5."
So the obvious gap that I had been experience was no doubt some unconfessed sin in my heart. But what? I had a gut instinct that it had something to do with my lack of trust lately, but was a lack of trust really a sin? It seemed pretty fundamental and something that I should have understood by now, but let's be real. I didn't know.
So I googled "sin" and "trust."
I clicked on the first website that I came across. It was helpful and brought me back to the verse(s) that I have been stumbling on all year.
Mark 12:29-31
Jesus said the Commandments are summed up in this: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.
Somehow I missed it the whole time. I have spent so much time concentrated on the second that I have forgotten about the more important one. There is not a second without a the first. Oh how blind I am.
So I spent the next 2 hours looking up every verse in the Bible that mentions the word "heart." I know... But I was desperate. I really wanted to break down the Greatest Commandment. It seemed pretty important.
545 verses later, this is what I discovered... (And I have scripture to back it all up.)
The heart is evil from childhood. The heart can be hardened on purpose by God or by our own doing. The heart can be discouraged. The heart remembers. The heart can be proud and forget. The heart can despair. The heart should be circumcised in order to love God fully and live. The Word is written on it. It can rejoice. God has a heart. The heart can change. It can be wicked and conceited. Terror can fill it. It has desires. It can discern. It can be joyful and glad. It can have integrity and wisdom. It can turn from God. If we follow it and keep His commands, we will always do right in His eyes. It can respond. It can seek. It can be tested. It can be sad or faithful. It can hide sin. Your heart can be one with someone else's.
Ok. A ton of cool things learned came out of this. But basically, the heart is everything. It is the connection between you and God. But at the same time, the heart is deceitful. I drew a couple of diagrams to help me. I'll see if i can do them on here.
God
(His heart)
I
I
My heart
I
I
Who I Am (My heart, soul, and strength)
So God has a heart. (1 Sam 2:35) And it connects directly to my heart. He speaks to us through our hearts. His Word is written on our hearts. And His Word is exactly that...His words to us. He speaks to us.
So my heart then is the source that connects to God. And that feeds into all the rest of me.
My soul: Who I am at the core. I am an artist, a thinker, a questioner, a student, a teacher, a troublemaker and a peacemaker.
My mind: My thoughts and the processing that happens.
My strength: What I am capable of. What I am good at. My gifts, talents and ambitions.
So basically, my heart is everything. But at the same time, it is deceitful. So somehow, we must trust God in order to get past ourselves so that we can have that direct and close connection. Let's break that picture down a little more, shall we?
God -----> Heart (With sin) /\/\/\/\/\-> Me
God -----> Heart (confessed sin) -----> Me
Again, a poor picture, but it does the job in my head. It's the same pathway, but sin distorts the message so that it either doesn't get through at all or it gets through garbled. And that message is vital. Purify the heart to remove the barrier.
Ok. But we're still basically at Square 1 here.
What does it all mean? It means to love Him with all you are because everything else comes from the heart. But what does this look like in my life now?...
I am not trusting God with all of my heart. And this is in defiance of a commandment, yes. But more importantly, it causes a garbled message. I have been loving God with my mind and soul and strength, but my heart was left out of the equation. It is the reason I can run through the motions. But without the heart, it is nothing because everything must flow from the heart. Not the other way around. Without it, we are but "clanging drums" because we are to glorify God and reflect back God to Himself, not ourselves.
So to trust God with my heart...
To trust Him with my fears. My anxiety. My joy. My desires. My plans. My creativity. My gift for connecting to people.
I have given into the seemingly elementary lies that we all seem to think we move past and become immune to. But we are not immune! GAR! What lies!! The lies that we think we have covered when we hit a certain point in our depth with God. "What are you talking about? I can do it this. I've got it in the bag. I know how to trust Christ." It's amazing, really, what an intricate and cunning and smart ability Satan has to deceive us if we are not continually reliant on the grace of God.
I was striving. Not trusting.
Good intentions are not enough. Only the sacrifice of Christ allows me into the connection that I desire and need for life. That connection is my life source--my air supply. It is what I must have to survive. I am fully dependent on it for survival, but sometimes I stubbornly hold my breath, believing that my lungs will produce air -oxygen and nitrogen- on their own. It is a silly thought, isn't it?
My Jesus, I am sorry. I was wrong. Restore to me a clean heart and do not tun your face from me any longer. Like the sun rising and shedding light on the tree branches, from the top to the bottom, renew me. Transform me into your beauty.
I stand with the trees, and I wait for noon.
"The beauty of ugliness directly plays into the Gospel and God's response to us when we mess up. His response is not anger but to devise a plan to reconcile us to Himself. 2nd Samuel and Romans 5."
So the obvious gap that I had been experience was no doubt some unconfessed sin in my heart. But what? I had a gut instinct that it had something to do with my lack of trust lately, but was a lack of trust really a sin? It seemed pretty fundamental and something that I should have understood by now, but let's be real. I didn't know.
So I googled "sin" and "trust."
I clicked on the first website that I came across. It was helpful and brought me back to the verse(s) that I have been stumbling on all year.
Mark 12:29-31
Jesus said the Commandments are summed up in this: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.
Somehow I missed it the whole time. I have spent so much time concentrated on the second that I have forgotten about the more important one. There is not a second without a the first. Oh how blind I am.
So I spent the next 2 hours looking up every verse in the Bible that mentions the word "heart." I know... But I was desperate. I really wanted to break down the Greatest Commandment. It seemed pretty important.
545 verses later, this is what I discovered... (And I have scripture to back it all up.)
The heart is evil from childhood. The heart can be hardened on purpose by God or by our own doing. The heart can be discouraged. The heart remembers. The heart can be proud and forget. The heart can despair. The heart should be circumcised in order to love God fully and live. The Word is written on it. It can rejoice. God has a heart. The heart can change. It can be wicked and conceited. Terror can fill it. It has desires. It can discern. It can be joyful and glad. It can have integrity and wisdom. It can turn from God. If we follow it and keep His commands, we will always do right in His eyes. It can respond. It can seek. It can be tested. It can be sad or faithful. It can hide sin. Your heart can be one with someone else's.
Ok. A ton of cool things learned came out of this. But basically, the heart is everything. It is the connection between you and God. But at the same time, the heart is deceitful. I drew a couple of diagrams to help me. I'll see if i can do them on here.
God
(His heart)
I
I
My heart
I
I
Who I Am (My heart, soul, and strength)
So God has a heart. (1 Sam 2:35) And it connects directly to my heart. He speaks to us through our hearts. His Word is written on our hearts. And His Word is exactly that...His words to us. He speaks to us.
So my heart then is the source that connects to God. And that feeds into all the rest of me.
My soul: Who I am at the core. I am an artist, a thinker, a questioner, a student, a teacher, a troublemaker and a peacemaker.
My mind: My thoughts and the processing that happens.
My strength: What I am capable of. What I am good at. My gifts, talents and ambitions.
So basically, my heart is everything. But at the same time, it is deceitful. So somehow, we must trust God in order to get past ourselves so that we can have that direct and close connection. Let's break that picture down a little more, shall we?
God -----> Heart (With sin) /\/\/\/\/\-> Me
God -----> Heart (confessed sin) -----> Me
Again, a poor picture, but it does the job in my head. It's the same pathway, but sin distorts the message so that it either doesn't get through at all or it gets through garbled. And that message is vital. Purify the heart to remove the barrier.
Ok. But we're still basically at Square 1 here.
What does it all mean? It means to love Him with all you are because everything else comes from the heart. But what does this look like in my life now?...
I am not trusting God with all of my heart. And this is in defiance of a commandment, yes. But more importantly, it causes a garbled message. I have been loving God with my mind and soul and strength, but my heart was left out of the equation. It is the reason I can run through the motions. But without the heart, it is nothing because everything must flow from the heart. Not the other way around. Without it, we are but "clanging drums" because we are to glorify God and reflect back God to Himself, not ourselves.
So to trust God with my heart...
To trust Him with my fears. My anxiety. My joy. My desires. My plans. My creativity. My gift for connecting to people.
I have given into the seemingly elementary lies that we all seem to think we move past and become immune to. But we are not immune! GAR! What lies!! The lies that we think we have covered when we hit a certain point in our depth with God. "What are you talking about? I can do it this. I've got it in the bag. I know how to trust Christ." It's amazing, really, what an intricate and cunning and smart ability Satan has to deceive us if we are not continually reliant on the grace of God.
I was striving. Not trusting.
Good intentions are not enough. Only the sacrifice of Christ allows me into the connection that I desire and need for life. That connection is my life source--my air supply. It is what I must have to survive. I am fully dependent on it for survival, but sometimes I stubbornly hold my breath, believing that my lungs will produce air -oxygen and nitrogen- on their own. It is a silly thought, isn't it?
My Jesus, I am sorry. I was wrong. Restore to me a clean heart and do not tun your face from me any longer. Like the sun rising and shedding light on the tree branches, from the top to the bottom, renew me. Transform me into your beauty.
I stand with the trees, and I wait for noon.
I Stand with the Trees
I woke up at six this morning.
The realities of last night still with me, I opened my Bible, desperate for anything that could possibly bring hope. I opened to Ephesians 3:17 and read "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
I mourned for the days that I knew and felt that fullness of the love of God--the love that I didn't understand and was so happy in that mystery, despite my desire to understand everything. But the question popped into my head: What does it mean to be rooted and established in love?
And then I remembered the words from someone who cares greatly for me last night..."There must be some unconfessed sin causing this gap."
Truth.
But what was it?
So I got up and took a walk. The morning was cold and felt appropriate to what I was feeling inside. As I walked, I listened to the words of artists who put their feelings and passion into words and musical notes, and I let them wash over me. My brokenness revealed itself. I seemed to blend into the ugliness of the brown, dead-like trees around me, with pieces of themselves strewn about and surrounded by their fallen counterparts. I kept walking, and the sun began to glimmer over the horizon. The color of the radiant, warm light made the trees seem even more the color of a bleak and benumbed inner tomb.
And then I looked up.
The uppermost tips of the branches were taking on a glowing hue. The sunlight was coming to reconcile the trees to their true color. The darkness had only given a distorted image of what they really were. The upward slope of the branches stretched themselves toward the light that was beginning to cast itself. I watched for what must have been fifteen minutes, the whole time a desire growing in me to be like those lucky scepters that sparkled like jewels had been embedded in them. I wanted the light to touch me. I wanted to shine in my truest color, too.
I climbed a rock to get higher. The sun, once devising where it would deposit its light upon was now hurling and scattering it on everything. The light hit the tip of my head and I felt its warmth start to seep and drain. I planted my feet on that rock, lifted my eyes, and waited to be transformed.
And there I stood with the trees.
The realities of last night still with me, I opened my Bible, desperate for anything that could possibly bring hope. I opened to Ephesians 3:17 and read "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
I mourned for the days that I knew and felt that fullness of the love of God--the love that I didn't understand and was so happy in that mystery, despite my desire to understand everything. But the question popped into my head: What does it mean to be rooted and established in love?
And then I remembered the words from someone who cares greatly for me last night..."There must be some unconfessed sin causing this gap."
Truth.
But what was it?
So I got up and took a walk. The morning was cold and felt appropriate to what I was feeling inside. As I walked, I listened to the words of artists who put their feelings and passion into words and musical notes, and I let them wash over me. My brokenness revealed itself. I seemed to blend into the ugliness of the brown, dead-like trees around me, with pieces of themselves strewn about and surrounded by their fallen counterparts. I kept walking, and the sun began to glimmer over the horizon. The color of the radiant, warm light made the trees seem even more the color of a bleak and benumbed inner tomb.
And then I looked up.
The uppermost tips of the branches were taking on a glowing hue. The sunlight was coming to reconcile the trees to their true color. The darkness had only given a distorted image of what they really were. The upward slope of the branches stretched themselves toward the light that was beginning to cast itself. I watched for what must have been fifteen minutes, the whole time a desire growing in me to be like those lucky scepters that sparkled like jewels had been embedded in them. I wanted the light to touch me. I wanted to shine in my truest color, too.
I climbed a rock to get higher. The sun, once devising where it would deposit its light upon was now hurling and scattering it on everything. The light hit the tip of my head and I felt its warmth start to seep and drain. I planted my feet on that rock, lifted my eyes, and waited to be transformed.
And there I stood with the trees.
The Depth of Dissension
It has been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write. I could go on with a list of how busy it has been (It has.) and how much I have wanted to write (I have.). But it would be futile in the contrast of the reality that I have simply felt dried up with no ambition or inspiration to be able to even write words on a page. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone (What?!) and I have simply become a lazy ball of complacency.
And yet, this was not what I wanted. Often, I would sit down alone and try to contemplate what was happening to me. There were times when it literally felt like I could not breath...as if my air supply was cut off from the source. It has affected relationships. It has affected work ethic. It has permeated me. Or maybe I have permeated who I am to be with Him who created me.
Over the last week, since I got back from New Orleans, I have had the chance to actually realize the depth of the dissension that has been occurring at the core of who I am.
This weekend, during Pulse--my favorite weekend at Blackhawk that pulls together artists for the sake of learning what it means for the artist to serve God and the Church, emphasizing our call and vocation in regards to this--all I could realize was how disconnected I was, how little inspiration I had and how much that is affecting me at my core. The move to New Orleans has been sucking a lot of time from me, with all of the little details that need to take place. I am simply too busy.
But at Pulse, I began to realize how far, after all of the business, I was from true restoration and redemption. The reality of who I am without Christ began to set in. The chasm became clear as I stood in the back during communion, not even able to go up to the first few rows and sit with everyone else during worship. All of my striving...all of my trying...everything I had tried to do had pushed me further from the goal and the reality of that was evident.
But what to do about it? Anger. Frustration. Defensiveness. Blame...On everyone but myself.
And then, last night, I broke. In the darkness of my bedroom, I quite literally cried out. I pounded my fists on my bed. I mourned my inability to make my strivings work. And I reconciled myself to the knowledge that I can't do it.
And so, I sat. And sobbed. And was left unanswered and unhopeful and fell asleep with the knowledge that I was further than I had been from my sweet Savior that I quite possibly had ever been. (I am beginning to think that the more knowledge that we gain of Christ, the further we can be separated from Him if we allow our hearts to do it.)
And yet, this was not what I wanted. Often, I would sit down alone and try to contemplate what was happening to me. There were times when it literally felt like I could not breath...as if my air supply was cut off from the source. It has affected relationships. It has affected work ethic. It has permeated me. Or maybe I have permeated who I am to be with Him who created me.
Over the last week, since I got back from New Orleans, I have had the chance to actually realize the depth of the dissension that has been occurring at the core of who I am.
This weekend, during Pulse--my favorite weekend at Blackhawk that pulls together artists for the sake of learning what it means for the artist to serve God and the Church, emphasizing our call and vocation in regards to this--all I could realize was how disconnected I was, how little inspiration I had and how much that is affecting me at my core. The move to New Orleans has been sucking a lot of time from me, with all of the little details that need to take place. I am simply too busy.
But at Pulse, I began to realize how far, after all of the business, I was from true restoration and redemption. The reality of who I am without Christ began to set in. The chasm became clear as I stood in the back during communion, not even able to go up to the first few rows and sit with everyone else during worship. All of my striving...all of my trying...everything I had tried to do had pushed me further from the goal and the reality of that was evident.
But what to do about it? Anger. Frustration. Defensiveness. Blame...On everyone but myself.
And then, last night, I broke. In the darkness of my bedroom, I quite literally cried out. I pounded my fists on my bed. I mourned my inability to make my strivings work. And I reconciled myself to the knowledge that I can't do it.
And so, I sat. And sobbed. And was left unanswered and unhopeful and fell asleep with the knowledge that I was further than I had been from my sweet Savior that I quite possibly had ever been. (I am beginning to think that the more knowledge that we gain of Christ, the further we can be separated from Him if we allow our hearts to do it.)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
holy changes, batman!
Welp! I'm feeling pretty exhausted, but I wanted to update quick.
I got back from my first New Orleans trip. I leave for the second one in 3 days.
The interview was phenomenal. To all those who were praying: It was obvious. I absolutely knew that you were all praying and saw the power of that in several very real and tangible ways. I feel really confident about the interview. We will know within 2 weeks whether I got it or not. I will keep you all informed. Above all else, though, I learned about the goodness of God this weekend and how incredibly faithful He is. I saw example after example of His hand in situations.
The experience of being in New Orleans in general was amazing too. Great people. Great city. So much to do though. I am feeling more and more of a draw to the city and my passion to go down and just pour myself into it is getting stronger. I am excited for the move.
Other things have now also emerged that are rather exciting, but I'll wait to really say much about all of that.
:)
To bed now!
I got back from my first New Orleans trip. I leave for the second one in 3 days.
The interview was phenomenal. To all those who were praying: It was obvious. I absolutely knew that you were all praying and saw the power of that in several very real and tangible ways. I feel really confident about the interview. We will know within 2 weeks whether I got it or not. I will keep you all informed. Above all else, though, I learned about the goodness of God this weekend and how incredibly faithful He is. I saw example after example of His hand in situations.
The experience of being in New Orleans in general was amazing too. Great people. Great city. So much to do though. I am feeling more and more of a draw to the city and my passion to go down and just pour myself into it is getting stronger. I am excited for the move.
Other things have now also emerged that are rather exciting, but I'll wait to really say much about all of that.
:)
To bed now!
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