Redefining Beauty

Update Sprint

In case you haven't yet heard, Michael Wong has asked me to be his wife and I have accepted. We will be married on March 20, 2010 and are busy planning the wedding!
Michael started a new full time position at a bank as a special projects manager, as well as a few other things there, that no one else knows how to do. (I have somehow found someone to marry who is even more inquisitive than I am...)
School is going ok for me. The kindergartners are learning a ton and it's amazing to see these little people forming! It has been very tough the last few weeks, but I am constantly growing and refining and am very fortunate to work on the staff that I do. I will soon be applying for teaching programs so that I can get certified.
I have been working to help develop new and effective systems at our church with my roommate and maid of honor, Lori. We are very excited about starting to implement and I have discovered that I have a real passion for healthy church systems! (Wait for the phone call, Nancy Lindroth!)
RefugeNOLA, the non-profit (501-C3) that we are trying to give legs helped to pull off a rather large event in Central City for Halloween. (More in this update following, as well as a newsletter that will come soon to all of you!)

Please pray for...
Please pray for me, as I am feeling stretched especially thin lately. Pray that I would learn to set good boundaries for myself and for my future husband (whoa, that sounds weird!) Also, please pray that the people that are feeling snubbed by me would no feel hurt and that I would be able to find the time to make them feel loved and appreciated.
Pray for all of the things I mentioned above!
Pray that true community would develop with our church, that we would be able to come together to bring impact to other parts of the city--God is doing something at Sojourn Lakeview Baptist Church (soon to be Harbor Community Church) and we are very excited about it. Pray that the leadership would continue to seek after the heart of God in all matters and that they would make decisions that will bring about community and love.



Sit down and rest a while

Well, the weather in New Orleans has finally taken a turn for the better. October brought us some still humid temperatures, but for the most part, the season of "Fall" settled in about halfway through the month, and there was a sigh of relief that was heard around the whole city.
I heard birds chirp for the first time since I'd been down here.
I thought I saw a tree near my school start to change colors. (Ironically, I was then informed that it was actually a flower that blooms in the tree in the Fall...)
It has been no Wisconsin Fall, but nonetheless, I have found some amount of Beauty in it.
The beginning of October was hard. As the month set, tension just seemed to build. My disdain and selfishness against this city kicked in and I began to become discontented in regards to the physical location that I now found myself. I have spent the last month trying to figure out why and I believe that my questions have finally been answered:

Solitude.

In this city, there seems to be no solitude. Sure, there are times that I find myself alone, but never times when I feel really alone. You know, that feeling when you are standing in the middle of the woods at down on a rock, feeling the sun warm your face as it shows itself at the dawn. The feeling of walking down a train with all of the colored leaves of the Wisconsin Fall around you, crunching under your feet. Standing on a hill that looks out over a lake.
In New Orleans, there are no woods. There are no large rocks. There is no Fall. There are no crunching leaves. And there definitely isn't a hill that looks over a lake unless you go to the levees, which are brown and dull looking.

Solitude is where I find beauty. Because solitude is when I commune with God best. It is my respite. Believe it or not, I think I have become more of an introvert since I've been down here. I hear that is what working in a school will do to you.
Either way, there is a deep connection between God, solitude and my ability to see beauty.

But I'm coming to realize that I may have something backwards. Since solitude is so hard to come by now, perhaps I need to redefine beauty, if that is when I commune with God best. Or maybe when I commune with God best, I see beauty more.
I guess I don't have it all figured out yet.
But something tells me that I need to redefine beauty.

Sure, there is something to be said for the typical beauty of the Wisconsin Fall. For the solitude of the trails. For the hills and the trees. It is creation...How do you not find God in that?

But I'm guessing that He wants me to start being a bit more creative like He is... Being a bit more imaginative, if you will.
Plato said in Symposium:
"Remember how in that communion only, beholding beauty with the eye of the mind, he will be enabled to bring forth, not images of beauty, but realities (for he has hold not of an image but of a reality), and bringing forth and nourishing true virtue to become the friend of God and be immortal, if mortal man may."

Or, rather...

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

This past weekend, we (RefugeNOLA.org) and a slew of other partners hosted a block party-type event for Halloween in Central City and were floored by what God did with it. In a neighborhood full of broken homes and broken relationships, teenage parents and rampant drug use, we saw a community come together. The event was just a simple block party that enabled kids in the neighborhood to trick-or-treat with the reassurance of safety, as we organized houses and games, even giving houses candy that couldn't afford to buy it.
We expected to see kids out and about, running around, getting candy, but as 5pm came and went, we got a little worried that they weren't going to come. And then, as the sun slowly went down, they came out...but not just the kids. Their parents, with strollers and trick-or-treat bags in tow, were out with them. Teenage fathers with their kids on their shoulders bobbed for apples.
My favorite story of the night:
A mother was trying to do our reverse bobbing for apples game (reverse bobbing for apples is when you hang an apple from a string and you have to try to bite off the apple in the air). She was having a heck of a time and her kids were all joking with her about it. Her cellphone rang and the typical language that you hear in the neighborhood came out as she described to her friend across the phoneline what she was doing: "I'm trying to get the damn apple off the stick!!" I can only imagine what her friend thought, but I laughed so hard at that, I didn't know what to do with it! Even more, striking, though, was that the mother kept trying and soon, her daughter chided that she could do it better. So teenage daughter gave the apple a go...and still failed. Soon, mother and daughter were attacking the apple together, one on each side, and were, eventually, successful!
It was such a normal thing to see...if you weren't in Central City. It was something my mom and I would do.
I have yet to figure out whether that fact reminds me of my own brokenness or whether it reminds me that these broken relationships still have a way to be redeemed. I'm sure that it's both.

But isn't that the real reality of beauty? Something that reminds us of how small we are, but at the same time, gives us hope?

And so, I am being made to be more creative. I am being made to be more imaginative.
I am being made to be more like Christ--finding the ability to see value and beauty in everything that He has created.

The Everywhere Person

Drive-thru Update:
School is in full swing! The kindergartners are settling in nicely, though I still feel rather awkward in my teaching. Though I am still learning boatloads and loving it!
I have started helping to lead worship at Sojourn-Lakeview church and am VERY happy to have music back in my life. Leading worship is one of my favorite things that I have done in life to date, so to have this back is a wonderful gift. On the topic of church, our little church plant has exploded over the last few weeks!! And having come from a church with a lot of great ideas on connecting people and hospitality, I have been given the ability at Lakeview Sojourn to help spearhead this! It is a need and I am very excited to be on the team and helping out!
The non-profit that we are working on starting is getting a bit more shape. I think the legs are starting to form and more people are interested in helping out every week! We are currently working on fixing up a house across the street to turn into intern housing and a sort of community center. If you are in the area and want to help, please let us know!!


Sit-Down Update:
In Madison, it's a widely known fact that everyone has an Everywhere Person, if not more than 1. In college at UW-Madison, one of the things I looked forward to every year was walking to my first week of classes and figuring out who my everywhere people were. Some of them spanned the 5 years I was in school, while others were more short-lived, but there was not a time in Madison that I did not have one. And there is something about them that has always struck something inside of me--something deep and unexplained. I think it made me stop to look at the deeper complexities of life, and to wonder about this person; to think about their life and what was happening to them that made me cross their path the times that I did. Surely, these run-ins were not just coincidence.
When I moved to New Orleans, I thought I had left my everywhere people behind. I thought that a city the size of New Orleans would never allow me the opportunity again of seeing the same red coat or checkered hat again. But on the city bus one day about a month and a half ago, an older man got on the bus. He had puffs of white hair that stuck out under his straw hat with the faded fabric around the brim. His sweat-stained bandana was wrapped around his neck and his tshirt clung to him in the Louisiana heat. His thin, long leg that faced me as he dropped his coins into the ticket dispenser looked as if it had never felt brush of his twin leg. He laughed out loud to himself, revealing a mouth full of missing teeth, as he sat down and pulled out a can of beer in a paper bag. I sat and watched him until he got off the bus, not sure what to do with what I had just seen. I chalked it up to the odd personalities that live in the neighborhood in which I work and went about my day.

But a few days later, he got on my bus again. Same story. Same white puffs of hair. Same long legs. Same beer in a paper bag. Coincidence.

And then I didn't see him again.

Until I was biking home from work the other day and a pickup truck with an old busted refrigerator turned the corner right in front of me and who else was in the back of the truck, holding the refrigerator but the old man. I almost waved, I was so excited.
And then sadness came over me. The reality of my Everywhere Man is that he has probably lived in this city, uneducated, and unable to get out of the cycles of this city, for his entire life. It reminded me of the betrayal that this city leads you into. You are overcome with the history, with the beauty, with the culture of New Orleans when you first visit it. But soon, the true colors come out... Broken relationships. Broken systems. Broken cultures.

And yet, there is so much beauty in the possibilities of redemption for this city...and for the world. The days that I see parents give their kids hugs and show excitement to see them after school...the days that I see affordable decent apartments going into low income neighborhoods...simply, flowers in a pot outside of a house in the hood...lets me know that our God is sovereign and good and will have His way with the people that He loves.

I still feel small here. I still feel like I can't make a bit of difference in the deep, penetrating problems within these lives. But i serve a big God who will bring justice in the end. I serve a God who loves all. And all people have dignity and value because of this. My only role is to live a life that looks more and more like the life that Christ lived, because it is only through that life that Paradise Restored is possible.


Please Pray For:
-An ability to see the glories of God. I am struggling to see beauty in the mess of the world, but I know it is me that is blind to them and not that they are not being revealed to me.
-Stamina to keep trucking forward and to continue to keep God in the forefront of my mind and heart as I try to care for some of the people of this city
-Wisdom as we move forward with various projects
-RefugeNOLA (nonprofit) in Central City with Michael Wong
-We need volunteers and funding to finish off the house we are remodeling for kids in the neighborhood to be
able to hang out at, as well as housing for interns who want to learn more about serving in Central City.
-Sojourn Lakeview Church
-As more of the Lakeview neighborhood returns to New Orleans, our church is growing rapidly. Please pray for
wisdom and and ability to discern what God would be having us do (or not do)
-I am doing better with missing home and people so much, but I still have moments of sorrow (but not regret). I miss everyone and everything still and long to see everyone and to feel the cooler Wisconsin night breezes. (For some reason, my big thing recently is not hearing birds ever.)
-Continued learning about what it means to love sacrificially and to give of myself until there is nothing of myself left.

Changes Come

Part 1:
I began work on July 20 at a school called ARISE Academy. It's a wonderful school that works in the Bywater/Ninth Ward area. This is the first year it is open (That's right...I'm helping to start a school! How cool is that?!). Our student population is 199 black students and 1 white girl, ranging from Pre-K to 2nd grade. Every year after this year, we will add a grade until we get to 8th grade. I love the team I work on. Everyone is incredibly social justice minded, despite whatever the deeper source of that mindset is. The kids are great and we are implimenting teaching techniques that are proven to work in areas such as these to bring these children up in an atmosphere of scholarly learning. We have a very rigorous curriculum, and though that freaks me out because I do not have a teaching degree, I am co-teaching with a girl about my age who is a first year Teach for America hire (so we are both freaking out a bit right now!)

Please pray for stamina. The days are long and exhausting, but I love that my LIFE has become a ministry. This is why I moved here. I wanted this. I asked for this. And my prayers have been answered. But it means giving up a lot of things for myself (most days I don't even have time to run. Please also pray that I would continue to learn to love sacrificially and to learn more how to love the unloved.

Part 2:
I have been in New Orleans for two and a half months now.
Within that time, I've had no job...one job and then another job.
I've lived in one apartment...and then moved to another.
I've made friends...said goodbye to friends...and made more friends.
I've gained 5 pounds...and then lost 10.
I turned 25.

And in those two and a half months, I have become a new person. Those in Madison would see the difference. Those in New Orleans might. I definitely do. My experiences in New Orleans have forced me to grow, kicking and screaming, and change. I have come to understand the Gospel in a way that never even dawned on me previous to this placement change. I understand so much more brokenness and grace and hope and love. And I am grateful for these lessons, though I am homesick for comfort.

It's amazing how much you take fore granted when you are in the position to have it. Michael and I were driving me home, past all of the dilapidated and condemned homes of Central City and I almost broke into tears. Driving through that neighborhood (and really the whole city in general) I was blindsided by yet another reality:
The people who "have" never quite realize all that they do have, yet the "have nots" can not escape the fact that they don't have. They are constantly reminded by their discomfort. To alleviate that pain, they turn to things that will reduce that pain. They turn to alcohol (bars are open 24 hours a day here), drugs (one of the worst crime issues in this city, robbery (a huge issue in this city), and murder (the news doesn't even report on murders here because the rate of them is the highest in the nation).
Our comfort blinds us. It numbs us. It separates us from the world.

Life down here has made me realize how much I never appreciate what I have. The kids I work with make me realize that I have an education that I didn't work hard enough for. They make me realize that I have a family that loves me and would do anything for me. They make me realize that, during the times that it was important, my life was stable (which, coincidentally is what now gives me the ability to not have stability). For whatever reason, I was given things easy--and I still am. But the blinders are being taken off.
I see the some of the depth of the pain in this city and my heart aches for redemption and for restoration. I was biking to work this morning as the sun was coming up. It was beautiful and peaceful and calm still. The day had not yet started for most and there was a cool breeze. I breathed a sigh of relief. I prayed as I biked for patience to deal with my students and work well on my team and to bring salt and light to the people around me. And then I saw the same homeless man that I see every morning sleeping on a different stoop and cried out for it all to be over. When will that day come when the world will be restored? When will the hurt of people stop? My hands feel so small here.

The dichotomy of it all is that I still ache for my own comforts. I feel so removed. Life goes on in the rest of the world without me. Friends get married. Friends have babies. Nieces have birthdays and so do Dads. The warm nights of summer in Wisconsin pass with the cool breezes and live music and fireflies. All of the things that I miss so much keep spinning on without me.
I feel torn between two selves.

"The biggest lies are the little ones.
Angel or demon? You know that they could share the same bed.
I've laid awake so long, I've got them both inside my head." ~OTR


And yet...
I feel cooler breezes in the afternoons. They say that it starts to cool down in September. Hope and redemption are around the corner. I can feel it coming.

Vagaries and Vantage Points

I have been in New Orleans for just over a month now and I believe that I have learned more [painful] lessons in this time than I have in the last year combined. James 1 is ever a comfort to me and never fails to remind me that, yes, this sucks, but it is good and I am growing and becoming more like Christ because of it...

In my last post, I talked about letting go of my notions of community. Not only have these thoughts gone deeper, but the chasm has opened wide and I now see a bigger picture that not only entails my community, but my life as a whole.
I sat down at a coffee shop yesterday for a while and listed all of the things that I feel that I "need" to feel like Rae. My list wasn't as superficial as I thought it would be--or so I thought.
My list:
Community
To be utilized well
Mental stimulation (ie. good conversation/music/art/etc)

Not bad, right? Well, then I went through the realizations from the last post--These are never promised to me. I have promises for good and joy and peace. But never a promise for the things listed above.
Anyway, so through this, I realized that He is bringing me to a place where all I need is Him. Well, that seems simple enough, right? Sure, all I need is God. That's what I thought before I embarked into this craziness, anyhow.
Now I am realizing that the stripping away of everything in which I once found comfort is the most ridiculous painful thing that I have ever experienced. My friends and family-a major source of comfort-are all 1,000 miles away. The internship that utilized me well and engaged me is no more. Even the ability to connect with God in nature has been taken from me, as it's incredibly difficult to see God in nature in the middle of a cement Island that is 8 feet below sea level.
So the question remains:
Where do I seek comfort? Because the fact that I feel that I am not me because of a lack of these things would reveal that it is not God from whom I seek my comfort. I heard a sermon today that shook me up a little bit. He talked about our short-sightedness. We desire things and He longs to give us SO MUCH MORE (If I could somehow relay the Southern Baptist accent in writing, it would make it so much more effective!). Everything in us wants our comforts and our routines, but Jesus has called us to GO (Matt. 28). We are not meant to be comfortable in this world, but only through Him.
The Holy Spirit should create in us a ripple affect--it should wake us up to desire that our hearts and our wills and our desires be crushed and that His replace them.

This then begs a question, though. I have the desire for my will to be crushed, so why doesn't it happen? Why do I constantly have to fight against myself to move anywhere?
Up north, I was often told that I had a servant's heart. The reality that this is nonsense has never been truer than what I see now in myself. A servant's heart does not just entail picking up the hymnals after the meeting or serving a meal at the shelter once a month. If that were a servant's heart, NONE of us would have any ability to live the life in Christ that we do now. A servant's heart cares for other people sacrificially. But what does it mean to live sacrificially? Here is the true message of the Gospel! A sacrificial heart lays down itself so that others may flourish. A sacrificial heart dies to its desire and its will and its need for the sake of the other.

This is the desire of my heart. I long to learn to love people sacrificially the way that Christ did. I long to learn how to die to my own will and desire for the sake of other's comfort and assurance that they are loved and cared for. And I realize that by asking for this that it will be granted to me because Psalm 37:4 reminds us that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. (Funny how the reality of that verse is that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, HE becomes our desire. Sneaky Sneaky, eh? It's the Catch-22 of falling in love with this God.)

The desire is there in me; the implementation is weak.

So the reality is this:
I long for comfort, but comfort cannot be found because He is teaching me about what it actually means to love the way that He loves us. He is teaching me what it means to love sacrificially. And that lesson begets no comfort unless comfort is Christ because everything that was once comfortable has been stripped away.
But in the lesson, the beauty of Paradise Restored resounds just a little bit more in this world.

It's all so beautifully interconnected.





Play by Play

-The job is going well at the Seminary's preschool, although it is, I hope, a stepping stone. I have an interview with a charter school this coming Wednesday for an Associate Teaching position, which would be wonderful. If you would pray for that, I would really appreciate it!
-I am now a member of Sojourn-Lakeview Baptist Church--I have never been a member of a church before, so this is an interesting experience and really only a couple of hours old.
-I got to visit with a great friend Andy Camann this weekend when he came in to town from Houston!


Growing Curves

Please also pray for these things that I am discovering or being shown to me:
I need to learn to be a better listener and to truly learn to show care for the people talking to me. I may intake what people are saying, but I do a poor job of relaying that. There is usually so much happening in my head that I sometimes zone out or shut down. This absolutely needs to change.
I also need to learn to slow down under pressure and make better decisions in that pressure.
Both of these things are not new discoveries, but down here in this context, if I do not learn to do them, major things are affected.
Please join me in praying for a change in me to be more like Christ in these areas--I appreciate it.

An Attempt at Standing Up

2 Part Update!
I decided to do this one as 2 parts: The first part is just the basics of what is going on. The second is bigger things there are going on in my head. I figure that not everyone wants to read the second part (oven people vs. microwave people :P )

Part 1:

I have a meeting with a woman tomorrow about a possible job. We will see how that goes.
I am also the midst of still digging through jobs and sending out resumes. I am feeling slightly unmotivated it in, so please pray for stamina and perseverance.
We are also looking for an apartment for August 1 that will be cheap and in a good location, but I am currently the only one around, but I do seem to have at least 3 roommates to live with now.
I am melting in the this heat and can't eat enough popsicles! :P

Part 2:

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.
- Henry David Thoreau


I read this quote today and it hit me pretty hard. I function in writing. The way I write and the amount that I write is a good indication of where I am at in life. The times that I am learning the most and processing the most are the times when I am writing the most. So I can relate pretty well to Henry up there. I don't have anything to write about unless I've bothered to pay attention to the world around me.

But to be honest, I've been in survival mode for the last bit of time here. This move has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And like the already oppressive heat of New Orleans that I have experienced thus far--this has not been the worst of it.

The first 5 days here were distracted, with my parents being down here. The next few were just fine because Michael and I were spending quite a bit of time together, so I wasn't really lonely. Piece of cake.

And then yesterday and today happened: Too hot for me to really want to leave the house but desperate to not feel lonely.
It has got me thinking quite a bit though. And in conjunction with the sermon that I heard at the church I attended on Sunday as well as with the community group that I went to based off of that sermon, I believe my world might be turning on its head.

For the last 3.5 years, I have been surrounded by amazing fellowship and community. Let's face it, I have been spoiled, like the youngest child that I am. I loved every minute of it and miss it terribly. But I think that it might have crippled me a bit. The sermon and small group tonight focused on sin and we talked for a bit about idols. This was a challenging topic for me because I began to be more convicted (I had already started thinking about it a little bit) because I believe the good community that I had up there became an idol to me--I found worth in it. I found comfort in it. It fulfilled me. While God has such joy in community for us, there is a line we can cross, as with any good and perfect gift that comes from Him, where it becomes a crutch to replace instead of a gift to receive. Sad, huh?
Community is nothing unless it is fulfilling the will of God by inviting other people in to share in His goodness. But what does that mean? Something I recently realized is that we have such a tendency to trick ourselves into believing that we are doing His will with community when really we are not. We invite people into our community if they are like us--we have an application that needs to be filled out, screen tests that need to be run, and background checks that need to be gone through. God's purpose for community is that EVERYONE should experience Himself through it. But we, as consumers, have infiltrated the true calling for community. Instead, we make community fit to what we need, not to what He needs to be accomplished.
We make it our idol.
We are fulfilled by it, so long as it fulfills what we need.

Tonight, I felt a little bit like I understood God more.
In a conversation about spending time with people and the motivation for doing that, I got blindsided by a reality.
I am an extrovert to the core. I get fed off of being around people. But this can easily trick me into believing that I need people. But it's not the case. If my relationship were right with God, all I would need was Him.
And aside from that, the bigger thing that I understood Him more in is this:
The situation has occurred where I have been lonely and people have wanted to be there for me, so despite knowing that they need alone time, they hang out with me because they know that I need it. It is out of care for me and a genuine desire to be there for me--but I can always tell when they are doing it out of duty and when they are doing it because they really want to.
And then I realized that this is what God must go through all of the time with us. Our constant knowledge that we should hang out with Him, as opposed to a real desire to spend time with Him.
There is a sadness that comes along with the former situation and it made me remorse over all of the times that I have spent time with God out of duty, rather than spending time with Him because I actually care about the relationship and want it to grow. And it stems from a deeper issue than I care to write about tonight, so I will have to come back to it later.

A place to call home?

Well, I have now been a New Orleans resident for 4 days.
I settled into the sublet that I have through July. By settled, I mean, got the boxes arranged along the wall so that I can walk around the room without tripping every 5 seconds. No point in unpacking completely if I am only going to be in this apartment for 2 months, right?
Since we arrived, I have basically just been doing the tourist thing with my parents, which has been good, but draining at the same time. My legs are tired from walking around, but it's great to be able to spend time with my parents as they experience my new city for the first time.
I am almost starting to learn my way around. The Mississippi River curves around in New Orleans about 3 times, making it difficult to tell which direction is where, not to mention, everything down here is just wacky. Uptown is actually down river while Downtown is up river. At least there is some semblance of a grid system that actually makes some logical sense, as opposed to everything working it's way out from the capital building... :P

I was talking to a man at a concert in Lafayette Square yesterday (they have a version of Concert on the Square down here too. But get this! They do theirs in the spring and fall because the summer months are actually the icky ones! (Have fun, suckers! I get double the amount of concerts than you do now! :P) Anyway... Felix runs a job center down here and we got to chatting after an introduction. His center focuses more on jobs for people with not as much education as I have, but he was helping me come up with ideas, nonetheless. He asked me why I was in New Orleans--A question many of you (and I) have asked myself. But then he asked a really interesting question--How long will I give myself before I pack it in if this doesn't feel like home? I didn't really have an answer to this question. I have focused this whole time on getting down here and have known for a while that I would probably be down here for a long haul. But the idea of "home" really got me thinking. How long will it take for New Orleans to feel like home?
Certainly, sitting here in my room, surrounded by everything I own that is packed up in boxes currently makes me doubt that this will ever happen. And after checking the Blackhawk website a few minutes ago just to see what was going on and seeing a picture up on the main page of me and a group of girls from Study Day, that reality cut a little deeper. Will anything feel as much like home as Madison, Wisconsin does?
I don't know the answer to this. But I know that when I got out of the car in the neighborhood of Central City the other day and a woman named Tess yelled across the street to me, ran over and gave me a hug, it felt like this could be home. And sitting on a blanket in Lafayette Square, listening to jazz music in the Louisiana sunshine, a little bit of my heart opened up more to the idea of it. Joking with the cop and the clerk at the counter at the local Winn Dixie grocery store certainly made big New Orleans feel a little smaller.
Will New Orleans ever feel like Madison did? Probably not. But do I believe that God is going to bless me with a feeling of home and community within this community? You can bet your parking spot at the 10:45 service on it.

As for the coming days, I will say a sobbing goodbye to my parents tomorrow night. This is the goodbye that I have tried to put off the longest, even making them drive me down here and stay for a week with me. :P It will be awful and I am not looking forward to it.
I will start really diving in and looking for a job when my parents leave. Please pray that God will teach me the things he needs to teach me in this time of uncertainty. I look forward to the challenge of a new job, but am also just anxious to secure something.

Thank you again for all of your prayers and words of encouragement!

terrified

1 day out from moving to New Orleans and I am half regretful and half excited.

right now, all I can see is the regret in leaving everyone I love so much here. I know this is just emotion, but it's consuming right now.

So long Madison....

emotions run high...or low

The emotional toll of this move is finally setting in. I was at Paul's cd release party tonight with all of the people that I now consider to be just as close to me as family and I lost it toward the end of the night.
I know where I need to be. I just hate leaving to go there.
Oh that I could be in both places at once.

Life will go on without me. People will keep going on. Lives will change. I will miss it.

My heart is a little broken right now.

The Most Important Thing

It's been a while. Life has been overwhelming. And it is my fault that it has been overwhelming.

I am a words person. And when I can't find words, I get all mentally constipated. But we all know that constipation eventually leads to one massive explosion...

(Ew.)

We've been going through a sermon series at Blackhawk called Resurrection Now. It has been challenging and growth producing and I've loved it but, like most growth, it has made me encounter pain also.

In the midst of all of this--A completion of an internship, The planning of a move to New Orleans, The packing up of a life-- I have discovered a deep, dark problem within myself...


I have a complete and utter lack of trust in the One who created me.

This is humbling and sad all at the same time. How could I have gone this long and never known this? Thank God for the work of the Holy Spirit who makes us aware to these things.

I have pain in my past that debilitates me. It has become abundantly clear that this is the case over the course of the last 8 months. But the fact of the matter is that everyone has pain in their past that debilitates them. I am no different from the next person. The difference that exists between me and the next person is that my faith is in Christ who takes away that pain...but not only takes away that pain! In that weakness, He is made stronger! What kind of God takes all of the ugliness of who I am and turns it into beauty? A good, faithful and loving God...that is who.
In 2 Corinthians, Paul speaks of a thorn in his flesh--a messenger from Satan to torment him. And he speaks of the 3 times that he asks for it to be taken from him. But the Lord says to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And then Paul says the most incredible thing: "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
What kind of logic is this?! When Kate first pointed out this chapter for me to read today, my mind was reeling trying to understand it. But again, once I stepped back and looked at it from a peripheral view, the image began to come together a little bit.
I am not supposed to have it all together. It's ok. In fact, it's the best thing that can happen. --as long as I can learn and rest in the fact that it is in that weakness of mine that Christ can do His work. His grace, through the work that Jesus did on the cross by defeating death and sin, is sufficient. And not only is it sufficient, but it is everything. It can sustain us.

And because of that--because our lives can be different because of Jesus--I will boast in my inability to let people in fully. I will boast in the fact that I am emotional. I will boast in the fact that I have had my heart ripped out and broken. Because in those things, with dependance on Christ, the one who makes weakness perfect, mysteriously through the work of the Holy Spirit working in my life, I am made strong. My complete lack of ability to do any of these things are the places in my life where Christ can shine through. People know that I can't trust and that I am emotional. And if I begin to let people in and use my emotions in a productive manner, to who else COULD the credit go other than the only One who has the ability to change that? Glory to Him!

...which is what it's all about anyway, right?

Lord, help me to embrace my thorns. To use evil for your glory through your work on the cross. Let it be tangible in the way I live and love, affecting all those around me. Help me to live with reckless abandonment. Be glorified in my life, God, because you have the ability to change the mess that I am.

direction

so in order to make sense of this...

the 3 posts below this one were written in consecutive order, but on here, they appear in reverse. so start with the bottom post from 3/30 and work your way up.

no more confusion. :P

Waiting for Noon

A long time ago, I wrote about the "beauty of ugliness," and that has stuck with me ever since. I see it everywhere now. A few days ago, I wrote this on a post-it note:

"The beauty of ugliness directly plays into the Gospel and God's response to us when we mess up. His response is not anger but to devise a plan to reconcile us to Himself. 2nd Samuel and Romans 5."


So the obvious gap that I had been experience was no doubt some unconfessed sin in my heart. But what? I had a gut instinct that it had something to do with my lack of trust lately, but was a lack of trust really a sin? It seemed pretty fundamental and something that I should have understood by now, but let's be real. I didn't know.
So I googled "sin" and "trust."

I clicked on the first website that I came across. It was helpful and brought me back to the verse(s) that I have been stumbling on all year.
Mark 12:29-31
Jesus said the Commandments are summed up in this: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.

Somehow I missed it the whole time. I have spent so much time concentrated on the second that I have forgotten about the more important one. There is not a second without a the first. Oh how blind I am.

So I spent the next 2 hours looking up every verse in the Bible that mentions the word "heart." I know... But I was desperate. I really wanted to break down the Greatest Commandment. It seemed pretty important.

545 verses later, this is what I discovered... (And I have scripture to back it all up.)

The heart is evil from childhood. The heart can be hardened on purpose by God or by our own doing. The heart can be discouraged. The heart remembers. The heart can be proud and forget. The heart can despair. The heart should be circumcised in order to love God fully and live. The Word is written on it. It can rejoice. God has a heart. The heart can change. It can be wicked and conceited. Terror can fill it. It has desires. It can discern. It can be joyful and glad. It can have integrity and wisdom. It can turn from God. If we follow it and keep His commands, we will always do right in His eyes. It can respond. It can seek. It can be tested. It can be sad or faithful. It can hide sin. Your heart can be one with someone else's.

Ok. A ton of cool things learned came out of this. But basically, the heart is everything. It is the connection between you and God. But at the same time, the heart is deceitful. I drew a couple of diagrams to help me. I'll see if i can do them on here.

God
(His heart)
I
I
My heart
I
I
Who I Am (My heart, soul, and strength)

So God has a heart. (1 Sam 2:35) And it connects directly to my heart. He speaks to us through our hearts. His Word is written on our hearts. And His Word is exactly that...His words to us. He speaks to us.
So my heart then is the source that connects to God. And that feeds into all the rest of me.
My soul: Who I am at the core. I am an artist, a thinker, a questioner, a student, a teacher, a troublemaker and a peacemaker.
My mind: My thoughts and the processing that happens.
My strength: What I am capable of. What I am good at. My gifts, talents and ambitions.

So basically, my heart is everything. But at the same time, it is deceitful. So somehow, we must trust God in order to get past ourselves so that we can have that direct and close connection. Let's break that picture down a little more, shall we?

God -----> Heart (With sin) /\/\/\/\/\-> Me

God -----> Heart (confessed sin) -----> Me

Again, a poor picture, but it does the job in my head. It's the same pathway, but sin distorts the message so that it either doesn't get through at all or it gets through garbled. And that message is vital. Purify the heart to remove the barrier.

Ok. But we're still basically at Square 1 here.

What does it all mean? It means to love Him with all you are because everything else comes from the heart. But what does this look like in my life now?...

I am not trusting God with all of my heart. And this is in defiance of a commandment, yes. But more importantly, it causes a garbled message. I have been loving God with my mind and soul and strength, but my heart was left out of the equation. It is the reason I can run through the motions. But without the heart, it is nothing because everything must flow from the heart. Not the other way around. Without it, we are but "clanging drums" because we are to glorify God and reflect back God to Himself, not ourselves.

So to trust God with my heart...
To trust Him with my fears. My anxiety. My joy. My desires. My plans. My creativity. My gift for connecting to people.

I have given into the seemingly elementary lies that we all seem to think we move past and become immune to. But we are not immune! GAR! What lies!! The lies that we think we have covered when we hit a certain point in our depth with God. "What are you talking about? I can do it this. I've got it in the bag. I know how to trust Christ." It's amazing, really, what an intricate and cunning and smart ability Satan has to deceive us if we are not continually reliant on the grace of God.

I was striving. Not trusting.

Good intentions are not enough. Only the sacrifice of Christ allows me into the connection that I desire and need for life. That connection is my life source--my air supply. It is what I must have to survive. I am fully dependent on it for survival, but sometimes I stubbornly hold my breath, believing that my lungs will produce air -oxygen and nitrogen- on their own. It is a silly thought, isn't it?

My Jesus, I am sorry. I was wrong. Restore to me a clean heart and do not tun your face from me any longer. Like the sun rising and shedding light on the tree branches, from the top to the bottom, renew me. Transform me into your beauty.

I stand with the trees, and I wait for noon.

I Stand with the Trees

I woke up at six this morning.

The realities of last night still with me, I opened my Bible, desperate for anything that could possibly bring hope. I opened to Ephesians 3:17 and read "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
I mourned for the days that I knew and felt that fullness of the love of God--the love that I didn't understand and was so happy in that mystery, despite my desire to understand everything. But the question popped into my head: What does it mean to be rooted and established in love?
And then I remembered the words from someone who cares greatly for me last night..."There must be some unconfessed sin causing this gap."
Truth.
But what was it?

So I got up and took a walk. The morning was cold and felt appropriate to what I was feeling inside. As I walked, I listened to the words of artists who put their feelings and passion into words and musical notes, and I let them wash over me. My brokenness revealed itself. I seemed to blend into the ugliness of the brown, dead-like trees around me, with pieces of themselves strewn about and surrounded by their fallen counterparts. I kept walking, and the sun began to glimmer over the horizon. The color of the radiant, warm light made the trees seem even more the color of a bleak and benumbed inner tomb.
And then I looked up.
The uppermost tips of the branches were taking on a glowing hue. The sunlight was coming to reconcile the trees to their true color. The darkness had only given a distorted image of what they really were. The upward slope of the branches stretched themselves toward the light that was beginning to cast itself. I watched for what must have been fifteen minutes, the whole time a desire growing in me to be like those lucky scepters that sparkled like jewels had been embedded in them. I wanted the light to touch me. I wanted to shine in my truest color, too.

I climbed a rock to get higher. The sun, once devising where it would deposit its light upon was now hurling and scattering it on everything. The light hit the tip of my head and I felt its warmth start to seep and drain. I planted my feet on that rock, lifted my eyes, and waited to be transformed.

And there I stood with the trees.

The Depth of Dissension

It has been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write. I could go on with a list of how busy it has been (It has.) and how much I have wanted to write (I have.). But it would be futile in the contrast of the reality that I have simply felt dried up with no ambition or inspiration to be able to even write words on a page. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone (What?!) and I have simply become a lazy ball of complacency.

And yet, this was not what I wanted. Often, I would sit down alone and try to contemplate what was happening to me. There were times when it literally felt like I could not breath...as if my air supply was cut off from the source. It has affected relationships. It has affected work ethic. It has permeated me. Or maybe I have permeated who I am to be with Him who created me.

Over the last week, since I got back from New Orleans, I have had the chance to actually realize the depth of the dissension that has been occurring at the core of who I am.
This weekend, during Pulse--my favorite weekend at Blackhawk that pulls together artists for the sake of learning what it means for the artist to serve God and the Church, emphasizing our call and vocation in regards to this--all I could realize was how disconnected I was, how little inspiration I had and how much that is affecting me at my core. The move to New Orleans has been sucking a lot of time from me, with all of the little details that need to take place. I am simply too busy.
But at Pulse, I began to realize how far, after all of the business, I was from true restoration and redemption. The reality of who I am without Christ began to set in. The chasm became clear as I stood in the back during communion, not even able to go up to the first few rows and sit with everyone else during worship. All of my striving...all of my trying...everything I had tried to do had pushed me further from the goal and the reality of that was evident.

But what to do about it? Anger. Frustration. Defensiveness. Blame...On everyone but myself.

And then, last night, I broke. In the darkness of my bedroom, I quite literally cried out. I pounded my fists on my bed. I mourned my inability to make my strivings work. And I reconciled myself to the knowledge that I can't do it.
And so, I sat. And sobbed. And was left unanswered and unhopeful and fell asleep with the knowledge that I was further than I had been from my sweet Savior that I quite possibly had ever been. (I am beginning to think that the more knowledge that we gain of Christ, the further we can be separated from Him if we allow our hearts to do it.)

holy changes, batman!

Welp! I'm feeling pretty exhausted, but I wanted to update quick.

I got back from my first New Orleans trip. I leave for the second one in 3 days.

The interview was phenomenal. To all those who were praying: It was obvious. I absolutely knew that you were all praying and saw the power of that in several very real and tangible ways. I feel really confident about the interview. We will know within 2 weeks whether I got it or not. I will keep you all informed. Above all else, though, I learned about the goodness of God this weekend and how incredibly faithful He is. I saw example after example of His hand in situations.

The experience of being in New Orleans in general was amazing too. Great people. Great city. So much to do though. I am feeling more and more of a draw to the city and my passion to go down and just pour myself into it is getting stronger. I am excited for the move.

Other things have now also emerged that are rather exciting, but I'll wait to really say much about all of that.

:)

To bed now!

quick update

Ok. It's been a while but I've been seriously out of the writing loop. Things have gotten unbelievably crazy around here.

I got an interview with TeachNOLA down in New Orleans, so I will be flying down in 11 days...and then 4 days after that, turning around to drive down to lead the CAM trip with 40 college students in tow. :) Should be amazing.

Alas, with all of the stress, I've been freaking out. But God is incredibly faithful and has placed amazing people in my life that support me and pour into me when I need it.
Today started out awful, but as I am nearing the end of the day, I realize that I'm so blessed. I love my friends and family more than they will ever know.

And I will miss them with a great pain when I am far far away.


...But I am also excited for the crazy things that they will be doing for the sake of the Gospel.

I love you guys.

Redemption and Slush

Today was beautiful.

February 10th and we hit a high of 60 degrees outside. This is almost unheard of in Wisconsin.

I took advantage of the opportunity to be outside without freezing. After work at Blackhawk, I took a walk in the arboretum. It couldn't be too intense, as I was in moccasins and had no time to change clothing. (I was in between afternoon activities.) This was actually a blessing.

I drove into the arboretum the furthest that I could go. Grabbed my keys and my ipod and left everything else in the car. I knew that I needed to spend some time with God with no distractions.

It has been an intense week or so. I feel like I did almost 3 years ago when I was on the spring break trip during which I truly learned to abandon what I thought was best for my life in exchange for the plan that God had for me. There is this unquenchable knowledge happening within the deepest part of me that knows there is something I need to let go of before God can do His next work in me.
I wrote a bit ago about the imagery I've been getting with the little girl and the broken vase. This has grown to be more detailed as time has progressed.

The Blackhawk Staff retreat happened last week. There was 2.5 hours set aside the first afternoon for us to spend some time with God. I spent a good portion of it hiking around the land of the camp that we were at out in western Wisconsin, along the cliffs and through the untouched snow. I could feel that I wanted to connect with God but was butting my head against a wall. I pegged it as the fact that it was time that was set aside for me to do this rather than me setting it aside and moved on with the retreat. However, that night, we had an intense time of worship, confession and communion. I was left with this knowledge that I do not know how to forgive. This grand concept that is a cornerstone in the faith I profess is a concept that I do not get. I hide behind the hurts of my past, turning them into what seems like strength, all the while terrified that someone will dig deep enough to realize what I know:
I don't know how to forgive.

I am, in fact, that little girl. I am the girl, who in her own carelessness, knocked the priceless vase off of the table and shattered it. I tried to hide the pieces for a while. But I know full well that the only person who can fix it is the one who created it to begin with. And now I have to, with the admittance that I was wrong to be so careless, give back the broken pieces. And so I present it. And I cry and say that I'm sorry and that I was wrong. And I am comforted and told that it's ok. It can be put back together... but it won't look exactly the same. And I mourn those cracks that will never be smoothed out. That I will look at 15 years from now and say "I wish I would have been more careful with that. Imagine what it would be if I had been."

When I was walking, I was pondering this. I was praying about it. I was mourning the cracks that are now in my heart, despite the ability for Him to put it back together.
It was as if even Creation was mourning with me. The grove of beautiful green fir trees had one tree growing in the midst of it that was dead and ugly...and yet somewhat beautiful. It was a beautiful day, with what you could tell was a warm breeze. But every time a breeze hit me, it was chilly. The snow cooled the southerly breezes so that by the time they reached me, they were cold. It was trying to get me, but was slowed down and inhibited. It hit the brick wall that I had been hitting for weeks.

I eventually got back to my car and pulled out my journal. I let the words from 1 John 1:9 speak to me. "If we confess, He is faithful to forgive us and purify us."
And it just poured out from me. The snow melted into slush and water. The breezes blew warm as I sat there in the car with my windows down and myself heart begging for restoration.

And as that snow turned to slush and turned to water, redemption happened.

Cleaning out the Closet

It has come to my realization that God is doing some serious cleaning of my rhetorical closet these days. It is good. It is healthy. And like all things that are good and healthy for growth, it is also painful. You prune the bush to allow it to grow more, right?

Recently, I've been playing an ugly game of wack-a-mole with experiences and hurts in my past. One by one, they are being drudged to the surface and one by one, I'm having to recognize, analyze, and legitimize (which has, coincidentally or not, lead to a lot of exercise too. ---hey! it's a near rhyme. I was close.)
So this involves seeing that these things in the closet exist, analyzing the effect and causes of them and then dealing with them in the present and all of the things that it has affected. This has lead to a lot of freedom with some things but a lot more of a nauseated feeling within my stomach.

A lot of it, being the girl that I am, has to do with histories with guys. Friends...past boyfriends...past almost-boyfriends... You name it: If he could grow a five o'clock shadow, I'm dealing with it now.
I am realizing that forgiveness is something that I have to chose to do on a regular basis until it becomes a lifestyle. But that lifestyle looks differently for every situation, so right now, it's just way too much thinking and I am a bit overwhelmed with it. I have one good success story, so there is actually a standard to set the others against.
I am learning the significance of that ever-present but ever-foreign concept of "guarding your heart." What the crap does this even mean, right? Well. I now have an answer for you. Without even realizing it at points, I was able to give away little chunks of my heart here and there...Without even a knowledge that I was doing it or an ability to stop it. I was told to guard my heart, but not ever given specific avenues on how to do that. And because of this, I am now having to pick up the pieces of a badly beaten heart. Now I have to present those pieces to the One who created my heart in the first place, like a little girl who has just broken her mom's precious vase, so that it can be pieced back together.

And the more daunting aspect that I am now faced with is this question:
Am I willing to rest in the pains of my past benefiting another woman?

Ouch, right? There is no black and white with this one. It's another grey area. On one side, there is the beauty that he is a better man because of what he learned in the painful circumstances with you. On the other side, your heart got broken.

And yet, in that question, I find that I feel incredibly close to Jesus. The pain of my heart benefits someone who might not even have a knowledge that it happened or that this is why things are the way they are. It is simply an innate circumstance to them.
There is freedom in that for me.

panic sets in

Alright.
If this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I am going to be an emotional wreck in about 2 more weeks...

Still more affirmation that I should be moving. It just keeps coming. Cool.

Realizing more and more what I'm leaving and the situation I'll be putting myself in:

t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g.


My friends up here are amazing.
My family is amazing.
I could get a job in a non-profit and I'm sure be fat and happy.

But I couldn't.



The risk involved is great. I'm pretty sure I will wake up at least 3 days out of a week wondering why I made the decision. I have no idea what I'm doing as far as teaching is concerned. I am throwing myself into the rhetorical snake pit here. What chance do I have to make it out alive when there are snakes with fangs dripping with venom all around me?

Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
I think I am just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. A lot is going on right now. A lot is moving really fast. What is weird is that, usually, I'm the one who dives in head first without looking back. But this time, I am nauseated when I look forward and nauseated when I look back.

Pastor Chris gave a sermon about Hannah and 1 Samuel on Sunday. At first, I didn't get it. I sat through the sermon. I went the rest of Sunday evening and through Monday night pondering what made Hannah so great. Sure, she gave up a son. So what? Plenty of mothers did it throughout Biblical history. So why was Hannah so special?

And then it dawned on me. Hannah was special because having a child was who she was. Samuel was her life. And she gave it to God. With high amounts of pain, I'm sure, but she did it willingly. She gave up who she was for the sake of the Kingdom. And from her willing heart, Samuel grew up, anointed King David, from which came the lineage that lead to Jesus.
No small feat... And apparently that is what God does with a willing heart.

So the question remains:
Am I willing to give up myself and who I am? Am I willing to stick my money where my mouth is?

Good gosh, I hope so.

A Decision and a Doubt

Mom and Dad, If you are reading this, stop now...


Last week, I made the final decision (99% sure) that I will be moving to New Orleans this summer. Depending on if I get the teaching fellowship that I want, I will either leave in June or in August.
You may be thinking, "What?? Where did this come from?" But the reality is, I have been thinking about it for a while. It was on the top of my list for Teach for America (which I didn't get) and as I began to plan the trip in March for CAM more, my heart just kind of broke for this city. I was down there last March and saw first hand that it is a city that is in dire straights and just needs people down there pouring into it. And specifically the neighborhood that we worked in, and will be working in, Central City. New Orleans is now considered the most crime-ridden city in the U.S. and Central City is the considered the most dangerous neighborhood in that city. But, having some friends down there, and a heart for it and a knowledge that the Kingdom of God is in our hearts and the way that it comes is by people going into the world to bring it. As hearts accept Christ, the Kingdom spreads. Redemption is possible.
So I was flying pretty high there for a while on that decision.

And then I started to think about what this actually means. I started to think selfishly about saying goodbye to my family and my friends and moving 18 hours away from anything I have ever known. I thought about leaving the changes in seasons that I love so much for a humid climate. And I thought about my personal safety. Here is an article that I stumbled across while reading some of the news down there today:

http://www.wdsu.com/news/18455053/detail.html

How in the world is this even possible? How could someone slit the throat of their child to get out of paying child support??? I read about shooting after shooting. And I am terrified. I am a girl. I am from a small town. What chance do I have??
And yet, if I don't go, I will be missing out on what I feel that God has called me to. I have always known that I would never live a normal life. I will never have nice cars and that big house in suburbia. I would hate that.
But I also never expected to be here.

But I guess this is where we separate the boys from the men, so to speak. Am I willing to put everything on the line for what I believe in? Am I willing to put my money where my mouth is and love people, even if it kills me? I want to know that I would and will. God has blessed me (or cursed me...I supposed depending on how you look at it) with a willing heart. And it is going to take me into the most challenging situation I could possibly imagine.

And yet, I know it will be a beautiful experience that will teach me how to trust and love God more.


So. 6 months...

Jasmine Tea on a [Fake] Spring Day

I woke up this morning and it was sunny. That wasn't that out of the ordinary. Appreciated, but not incredible.
But then I walked outside to my car to go pick up Kate...
It was warmer. The snow was slushy and making my pants wet. And there was a sound that I haven't heard for months...wait for it....

birds chirping.
yes.
There were birds singing as if it were the break of spring. And I could help but feel relief. Even though I know there is still a good solid 2 months of winter left, it was a
Welp.
It's been a little while since I sat down to write anything. I feel like life has thrown me some curve balls lately and it's been interesting.



the rest of this was typed out but then blogger went down. i had a whole conversation typed out about me telling my dad some pretty big news.

but now i'm lazy and don't want to retype it.

so. you'll have to wait.

January is not a good time for extroverts

The sun was out for a bit today, so I stayed outside and did some things to my car that needed to get done after getting back from my run. The run was an attempt to get some energy. It usually helps but today, I'm not sure what happened. Within a few minutes of getting back, I was tired again. January just does this to me in general. February too. In December, winter is still new and exciting and I love it. January/February is the time when it gets a little too cold to do much outside. March promises spring.
The thing I've always liked least about January is that it seems to be the loneliest month of the year. Logistically, students leave, people aren't outside, everyone is cold and lazy. But being someone who really thrives off of being around people, this really gets to me. Especially now that I live with less people and more people leave.
It would be fine if it made me want to get work done, but it makes me pretty lethargic too. I spare time that I have has been getting spent on..well...not much at all. I've been researching a lot of new music, which has been good. But reading makes me more tired and writing has been like pulling teeth because I simply don't want to think.
Maybe I need something new and exciting to pull me out of this? It's just a little bit of a slump. It'll pass.
We checked out the Chris Koza show last night and celebrated Steph's birthday. Good times, although it was really crowded in there, which wasn't like the other shows of his that we've been to. I was slightly annoyed with the territorial girls standing next to Reina and I but we trudged through it and managed to really enjoy the show. I wish he would have played longer, though. It simply wasn't enough!
Little Evangeline is here. Gotta love that. :)

I've had a lot of passing thoughts lately. It's weird. It's like these really deep, difficult to think about things, but I'm too lazy to really think more about them. I have a feeling that they're all connected but I don't feel like making the connections. I'm positive this is a bad idea and I should start up with it.
I'm also positive that I should be writing more and writing with intention instead of all of this rambling crap. Could 2009 be the year of the book? Who knows. I have nothing permanent on the agenda yet.
I find out about my 2nd round for Teach for America on Tuesday. I'm nervous. But it'll be good. I think either way, I won't be in Madison next year. I need to get out. Move around. Do something. There's just not enough here right now to convince me otherwise and I feel like there's something bigger out there. I just wish I had a clue what that was.

Anyhow, I really should be reading my chapter assignment for Tuesday and working on some other stuff.
Procrastination: 1. Rae: 0.

wisdom from a 5 year old girl

Today wasn't one of my better days. I was tired from not really having slept because I was distraught over a situation. And the worry over the situation carried into today. It was one of those days where I wore a hoody and kept up the hood for the first 4 hours of the day. I just wanted to burrow and crawl into my place, but luckily I didn't. So the work that I've been putting into pushing throw my emotions that usually cause me to shut down is paying off a little. Which is good. It has not been easy. I just am just a really deep feeler, and that's just fine, but I need to function in the world still.

Anyway, I made it through coffee break and a 3 hour meeting with Becca and Kate to talk about the next couple of weeks and what needs to get done...and to tear a book apart that we all are not liking, but are reading together as staff. Got quite a bit done for the New Orleans trip...and then headed off to tutoring, really really tired and definitely not feeling like being there. Emotion shown through, as it always does...and then turned up a little when I found out my sister was in labor with my new little niece. (# freakin 9 on the niece/nephew front).
But the reality of coming back to tutoring and the fact that I still have no idea what I'm doing sunk in to real ramifications because I turned in my application for Teach For America on Saturday. YAY! But cripes. What am I thinking? And yet. I've never wanted to do anything more. It comes from a deep spot in me, which sounds horribly corny. It's the same spot that gives me excitement when I talk about Local Impact stuff and getting college students excited about the idea of serving in their community. Same spot. Different things. Well...not really?

Anyway, so tutoring..

I ran a girl down the road to a meeting she needed to be at and when I got back, everyone was eating dinner in the other room. But Jasmine, the 5 year old daughter of the woman who cooks our dinners for the program, was eating Tuna Helper by herself at the table. So I sat down next to her and started asking her about her Christmas. She humored me for a little while but then stopped and looked at me.
Then she said "Your skin looks like white chocolate." (Jasmine is, although a handful at times--what 5 year old isn't?--, a beautiful little black girl.)
I smiled and asked, "Is that ok?"
She stopped for a little minute...long enough for me to wonder what her answer would be. Then she said, "Yeeeeah...."
She went back to eating her dinner and I looked down at the table, taking in the beauty of the situation that had just occurred and how much it had just come directly out of some sort of ridiculous inspiring movie about the success of integration.
And then, while still looking down at her plate and eating, she said these little words of wisdom:
"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

I had a hard time containing the laugh. It was adorable. And then the reality of what she had said set in. Here she was. A 5 year old girl with incredibly more wisdom that the 24 year old sitting in front of her.

If that doesn't humble you, I don't know what will...

Obligatory New Year Post

January 2, 2009.

Crazy.

Well, New Years Eve didn't completely disappoint this year. I think it's because I had no expectations on it. Which is a good thing, but severely making me question the expectations that I put on things in general and how it consistently sets me up for disappointment. What do you do with that? It seems like a rather bleak life to not put any expectations on anything or anyone, but when you set yourself up for failure, something needs to change. Oh well. Another year to learn. :)

I got to bring in New Years Day with lots of good friends too. Had brunch and debated deep theological complications with Lindsay. Laid around and watched a movie. Took the annual New Years Day walk in the cold. And then proceeded to binge on Toppers with Andy and Adam and watch what I believe is now my absolute favorite show, Freaks and Geeks. It really couldn't have gotten much better.

I got to go home for about a week total. Pretty great. Got to see some old friends that I hadn't seen in far too long. Nieces and nephews are getting ridiculous big. Brothers and sisters are getting grey hairs. (It pays to be the youngest.) Got to spend some time with my parents. (I have a great story about them, but I'll have to put it up later. I have to get to work now.)

But. All in all...

2009, I have no expectations on you, but confidence that you will deliver, if nothing else, learning, as years past have always done.