Hasn't felt like home before

Summer is here.  That's the best thing that could have happened.  

I got off work and planned on coming home, going for a quick run and then sitting down to write for a while, but ended up talking to Heidi for a long time (I'll get more into this in a minute).  Finally, I went for a run but ended up just really enjoying it and kept going.  I think I need new shoes, though, because my shins started to get pretty sore a good chunk into it.  But it was during that run that i realized it was summer.  

And now, I'm lying in my hammock.  The winds have finally calmed down a bit.  The boys stopped by earlier on the mini bike they fixed up that hasn't run in 25 years.  I made popcorn, drank wine out of mini bottles and played Rummy with Vanessa and Heidi, both who are missing boyfriends horribly right now and both who are wanting to just sit and listen to sad music all night.  (I love how girly they are when it comes to their boyfriends.  It's so incredibly endearing!)  Every time this time of year comes around, I get that old nostalgic feeling...the feeling that is the same as the way an old out of tune piano sounds.  It's really just gorgeous.  And Dave just freaked me out by knocking on my window, but it was fun opening it up and sitting there talking to him for a bit through it.  I felt like my parents were going to come in and yell at me at any second.  (I'm going to miss living so close to all of those guys next year...) 

I had a pretty crazy big break through today via Heidi.  I wrote a while ago about my friendships and why I didn't seem to have friends that go way back.  And things came together today and I understood why.  

I've heard and understood before that people are drawn to me when we first me...that I have a sort of charisma when I first meet people...that I am confident and full of life.  And then, gradually, as people get close to me, I shut down.  This has happened on numerous occasions and Heidi pointed it out yet again today.  I can actually pinpoint the event now that made this happen.  I knew at the time it was happening that it was big...but I never anticipated that 3 years down the road, after I thought I had buried it, that it would come back and resurface and that I would need to work through it.  But it has and I do.  

It all stems back to a big abandonment issue that happened years ago that involved people that I would have considered best friends at the time and who maliciously did their best to do away with me.  But the problem was, I was roommates with them and so had to live in that situation for just over a year...  That'll do a number on you, I guess.

But what I realized today was that I work the opposite of people.  Most people are shier when they first meet people and it takes a bit, but then they blossom and open up.  I work the opposite.  I'm open and blossomed when we first meet, but as you get to know me better, I shut down.  And the closer you are to me, the worse it is.  And it hit me today.  Classic.  It's because the closer you are to me, the more potential you have to hurt me if I trust you that much.  

But I also realized that the group of friends I am with now, I have been with longer than any group since that incident.  And that they are trustworthy and willing to stay alongside me, even when I'm an ugly person.  Loyalty is something of which I am afraid.

Interesting...I think I might be healing.  And it's also interesting to me that at times, I'd much rather run and hide from that healing.  But it's so good.  Because it means that I get to be that person that I am when I first meet people all the time.  Because that's who I really am.  The me that happens later is not really me.  It's a learned "me." A defensive mechanism made to push people away before they can hurt me.

Wow.  I have issues.  And not even cool issues.  I have the stereotypical lame issues.  That's slightly disappointing.  

Oh well.  

It may be slightly quirky that I am disappointed in my allotment of issues.

running theories

So in a series of conversations this year, I've realized that I've got a butt load of running theories about how the world works.  Some of them have been coming out a bit more recently.  One of them kind of morphed into words last night on the drive home from the Brewers game with Andy.  

For the last 8 months or so, I've been trying to figure out the issue of loving people.  Our lives should reflect 2 things, right: Love God, Love people.  Those are 2 huge-big pieces and I'm really only willing to tackle 1 at a time.  

But in reality, they go hand in hand because if you're doing one, it is a reflection of the other.  Because if you're loving God, then it just flows that you will love people.  It happens.  And if you're loving people...well, it's just not possible without loving God, so that takes care of itself.  But I guess if I'm going to go a bit more into that: If people are made in the image of God, then it follows that if you are loving people, you are loving God too.  Right?  That works.  Logical, I think...

So then I started rambling about what I think love might be.  An act of love--in the most general sense of the word--I think, might be a response to a need.  It's one person's selfish action in response to another's need.  And this follows the greatest example of an act of love that we have to be able to try to follow.  Jesus responded to the need of man to be reconciled with God by a great sacrifice.  So if that is the "greatest act of love," as I have so often heard it referred to, then our example is set.  And it can be generalized even down to the smallest act of love.  

It's pretty cool.  

But beyond that, it was a selfless act.  So, it wasn't go gain glory for Himself, but rather to allow for a means for things to be better for us.  So He made himself less, so we might have a better time of it.  So, with people, it's not even that I need to love them, but that I also need to assert them above myself.  

Rough.  But still cool.

This all seemed much more articulate when I was wandering through ideas with Andy.  But I at least wanted to get it out before I forgot the whole gist of the conversation.  

realized

*Be warned...this is probably going to end up being a fairly typical girl, pessimistic entry*

**Also, know that this is not at all my normal pattern of thinking but it's crappy and cold outside and I'm in the mood to be like this.

What do you do when you realize that you have absolutely been kidding yourself?

I made the mistake once of looking at pictures of the ex of the person in which i was interested.  Have you ever done that? You know that feeling you get when you do that?  The one that makes you realize that you will never be/look like that?  That's kind of what life in general feels like right now.

Doubts are absorbing into my mind like that baseball sank into that woman's rolls at the Brewer's game last night.  (Mean?  Let me be.  I'm cranky.)  As much as I really don't believe it, I feel like I'm not amounting to much right now.  I have a degree from one of the best public schools in America and I'm sitting on it.  I'm not doing anything with it.  I probably never will.  Sure, there's all sorts of things I *could* do with it.  But as of yet, nothing tangible.  

I realize that the second I type this, I'm going to get emails and phone calls saying that I'm ridiculous and that everyone has struggles and trials, but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway: 

Why couldn't I have just been one of those girls that is amazingly talented and smart and beautiful that has it all figured out and that everyone wants to marry and is ok with the idea of being married?  I mean, how many friends do I have right now like this?  And it's true.  They're incredible.  I get nervous when I am around them...that is how incredible they are.

And then there's me: the over-analyzing girl, remotely awkward looking girl who's stuck somewhere between the ages of 13 and 24.  Sure, I've got my moments of wit and intuitiveness, but when it comes down to it, my life is not applicable.  

Sure, I'm having a pity party right now.  Deal with it.  I will sulk in the corner until I am good and done.  

Ok.  I'm done.  I'm going to play frisbee.  

And I'm ridiculous.

 

notes before i crash

i've got a curiosity that won't be quenched.

i just like this.  i'm not sure where it will go--if it will go anywhere.  

there's always a *insert name boy's name here.*

in a conversation with jonathan tonight, he made a passing comment that i misunderstood but that i totally started thinking about, so it's good that i misunderstood.  this will eventually be a rant about relationships, but i'm too tired to go into it now.  

hopefully i'll come back to these tomorrow.

spewage

There's nothing worse than waking up on a cloudy, cold morning and realizing that yesterday did, in fact, happen and that you quite possibly are the crappiest person you know.

Happy Tuesday (Monday-ish) morning.

I feel like Doogie Howser right now. I think that's what typing on a PC will do to you.

Blehhhh. Random thoughts are all that I can form currently. There are definitely days when things come together and there is some amount of convergence to my thoughts.
Today is definitely not one of those days.

I don't think I've been to my parent's house in about 6 months. I want to go home.

I want grapes.

On a happier note, I get to see 2 Brewers games this week.

Longshot

Stolen from a softball team's jersey...

It's been a weird day.  There's a split in my perception of today.  It was the most beautiful day that we've had this year so far.  Nothing overtly bad happened.  

And yet, I'm lying in bed with this overwhelming sense that I am not ok.  I mean, I'm fine...there's nothing to worry about.  I'm just completely taken aback by a disconnect in my thinking as of recently.  

That, and music has made me overly emotional again.  

Explosive-isms

There are so many things happening within my head right now that I feel like a 300 pound person is sitting directly on my chest, pushing all the pressure to my head and soon it will explode.

Interestingly enough, just last week I was thinking that I hadn't been thinking in my normal process mode lately and that I missed that.  Vanessa, my roommate, used to say that when I was on the brink of something huge, some major revelation, that my eyes used to dart around the room like I was seeing things for the very first time.  I hadn't had that dizzy, exhausted feeling that I get with that recently and, to tell you the truth, I kind of missed it.  Innately, I am a learner and when I go through times of relative calm, I miss who I am when I'm learning.  And yet, when I'm learning, I yearn for that period of impostor serenity.

I literally had a nervous physical reaction to the things that were happening in my mind today.  I got shaky and felt a little like I had just gotten off of a ride at Great America.  You know, the feeling of adrenaline pumping through your veins and like you are going to throw up a little bit.  But all at the same time, unbelievably excited about what just happened.  

I feel like I'm standing on the brink of something huge again.  And if I just pay a little bit closer attention, I'm going to figure it out.  But as far as I can see right now, I can't see anything.  Kind of like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon but realizing that there is a wall built up right there.  You can still hear what's going on, so you have a clue that there is something HUGE beyond--just inches--from where you are standing.  But inevitably, the wall is too high to jump up to see over, too thick to kick through (and aside from that, if you did kick through, you run the risk of falling right off the edge).  But the wall is vibrating, ready to crumble at any moment right in front of you, revealing the mystery of what has been building up the anticipation in you.  

That is where I am at.  It's so good.  But I'm so incredibly terrified.  

See, I'm not sure what will come to fruition at the end of all of this.  I'm not sure what I'll have to leave behind me.  I'm not sure what will be put in front of me.   All I can do is trust in Goodness and give up.  

Have you ever had a bird actually sit on your window sill early in the morning?

Me either.

Until today.  

I didn't actually think that happened anywhere but musicals.

brain vomit

So last night a bunch of us went to see Chris Koza at Cafe Montmartre, which is one of my favorite bars in Madison: Top 3, for sure.  The music was incredible and I was just in this state of complete and utter happiness the whole time I was listening to him.   It just sent me into this swirl of emotion, which I guess isn't too hard too make me do, but this was one of those complex sets where, no matter how much you analyze it, you will never actually be able to come up with accurate words to describe it.  

The night before that, I went and watched the Brewers lose to the Dodgers.  It was painful.

The reason I mention this all is that I've noticed a pattern of doing fun things and not getting my work done, or the things that I feel like my time would be better spent on.  Don't get me wrong, the friendships that are being fostered are greatly diminishing that craving I get every year around this time to meet knew people and put them together like the puzzles they are.  However, these grander things in life that I'm going after, such as my class, are being put on the backburner.  Or are they?  Perhaps I'm just trying to do everything all at once and it's not that these outside things are competing with them, but rather it's them competing with themselves.  Oi...

That brings up another point though...I've recently been thinking about relationships lately.  Friendships, more really.  Here's the thing: Before maybe a month ago, I felt like I hadn't really met anyone new that I'd wanted to "put the puzzle pieces together."  Now that I've met a few people that have intrigued me, I feel like my friendships that I've been forming are progressing really slowly.  A few things on this:

It's a good thing.  I tend to bombard people with ...well...me.  I get to know them really fast.  Whether they like it or not, they get to know me fast.  This causes a friendship like a firework: very brilliant, but it burns out quickly.  I've never been good at the steady campfire types of relationships.  I get impatient.  Maybe it's the phase of life that we're all in currently.  College is really conducive to those really fast, brilliant friendships because your time is malleable.  Innately, at this juncture of life, friendships and relationships in general must progress more slowly by nature because let's face it:  there just isn't enough time to make them move faster if you wanted to.  

But the consequences of this is great to me.  I recently came across a new friend that I've discovered had the same core group of friends all through college.  In fact, I think they even went to high school together.  I've got a few friends like that, I guess, but I can count them on less than one hand.  More often than not, I find myself switching friend groups on a pretty regular basis.  Maybe it's the fact that I'm a crazy extrovert and people is where I get my fix.  Maybe it's the fact that I wear out friendships quickly because I need people.  (But is that necessarily bad?...I'm not convinced it is.  but more on that later.)

I just wonder what it would be like to have that solid group of friends.  I guess you could call it the quality vs. quantity issue.  Not that my friendships aren't of quality, but  I think it definitely takes a certain amount of time (for a normal, healthy relationship, anyway...) to get to a state of homeostasis.  

It's like I need a pace car for friendships.  

More stuff has been happening in my head.  I'll get into that tomorrow or something.  I'm tired now.   

sauntering

This might be some sort of record for amount of posts on a blog in a day...

 

There's something about this day though.  

I got off work tonight and had a few lose ends and logistical matters to take care of, but in the end, as I walked back, I decided that it was one of those nights that only come every so often.

It is one of those nights when senses are elevated beyond typical stimulation.  It is mild out and the wind is blowing ostentatiously from the south, as if it is striving to be noticed.  The aroma of spring is sprawling itself out: lilacs are in the youth of their blooms; rain is on the horizon; manure is fresh upon the 6 year old's garden across the street.  I felt like I was in the Garden, as I rambled and tarried along the paths with a joy no other has ever known.

It brought me back to a remarkable place of memory and happiness.  The wind brought me back to when I was young and I would get out of the pool after our night swims and my parents would make me strip down in the screen porch, so as to not get water all throughout the house.  I can remember the chill of the water on my skin as it dribbled down my stomach onto my bare legs, and then Dad wrapping a dry towel around me and telling me to go into my room and put on my pajamas while Mom made popcorn and lemonade and he made me a bed on the floor.  I can remember falling asleep on that floor with the door to the screen porch still opened wide, letting those same southern winds blow in upon me.  Sometimes I would wake up startled next to a large bug that had wandered its way into the house.  However, more often than not, I awoke to him carrying me to bed.  

I will never forget that first night that he made me walk to my bed myself because I was getting too big to be carried.  He was standing behind me the whole time, letting me lean against him when I got too tired while traversing the expanse that is the length of our hallway.  But even then, I think that I realized life wouldn't be the same...  And yet, he knew when to let go.  He would have carried me to bed and prayed by my side every night for the rest of my life if he could have.  

In the midst of the growth that has come to pass and that I am undergoing, I realize now that there are times when I want to be carried to bed again; when I just want someone to do that dirty work for me; when my plans have failed me and I don't know what will come next.  I want to be placed into bed, the covers drawn, with an old episode of Love Boat on in the background, which was strategically shut off after I had fallen asleep but before my parents went to bed.  But I know that would do nothing for my ability to put myself to bed now.  

And I know that in the midst of misplaced plans and forgotten motivations, there is Someone who is standing behind me, guiding and making sure I make it across the vast distance of the hallway.    

i <3 artists

I always seem to sit down to write here when I don't have that much time.  I carry around this little notebook that is teeming in things to write about, but don't actually have the time capacity to sit down and really delve deep into one of the subjects, which is sad because I bet some pretty interesting thoughts would come out.  

I was listening to a song by Aaron Niequist the other night called "End of the Story."  To tell you the truth, I really haven't listened too closely to the lyrics yet because I've been hung up on the actual music for about 4 days now.  There are some circumstances and objects that seem to knock the wind out of me.  The "melopathics" with in Creation.  (I'm not sure I can turn that into a noun, but I'm going to anyway because, hey, Jonathan and I made it up and we can do whatever we want with it, right?)  

Let me divulge into what melopathics are for a moment so that you understand.  I find that it is a very rare person that sees these amorphic and anomalistic aspects in the mundane day.  The best way that I can describe them is not by what they are but the feeling that is incorporated with them.  They are the things that create a quiver somewhere within your heart or soul or brain...whatever.  I don't even know.  But they do something very different from everything else that you encounter throughout the day.  They can be quick or prolonged.  The other night, I was walking on the sidewalk and talking on the phone.  I looked up into the streetlight through one of the trees that had just started popping out the buds of the leaves that have now taken up residency within the branches.  But the poofs of green against the backlight made me stop and catch my breath for a moment.  

That is a melopathic moment.  

When absolute beauty and reality come together...

Anyway, so this song by Aaron is pretty much one of those.  The music itself is just a prolonged melopathic instance.  (Over the Rhine tends to do this too...)  There's a period at the end of the song when he makes the perfect use of dissonance and it just makes you want to cry.  

So I need to go to work.  This has all been rambling anyhow.  Bleh.

How Have You Created Me?

With the passing of yet another semester out of college, I think I have come to the place where I have figured out that I still have no idea what I will end up doing with my life, let alone this season of life.  

I have been out for almost a full year.  Crazy...  When I reflect on the last year and all that it has contained, I feel a cringe and a smile all in one.  I wonder what that face would actually look like...  Probably a little bit creepy...

I think I'm starting to come to the conclusion, though, that no one really knows what they absolutely want to do.  And I have a theory why that is the case.  

I have come to realize that I have been created to be multifaceted.  I kind of remind myself of the Magic Bullet from those late night infomercials that I used to watch when I still had cable.  One piece of equipment but bounding in possibility as to what it can do.  Except I've heard that those aren't actually all that great.  I think the metaphor might still work though.  I am recently realizing more and more that while, yes, I have been created in one way, there are many layers beyond that, and many layers beyond that of who I am and the capabilities of my energies, and therefore, my life.  

The question is, what do I do with that?  

Do I continue on this path to PA school and serve people, providing for them physically in order to build faith?

Do I continue on this path to vocational ministry, providing love and guidance for people spiritually?

Do I continue on this path of (poorly) expressing my thoughts in print, providing people with my ranty, externally processed bits on life and all that it contains that they can possibly relate to?

I go through phases of liking certain aspects about myself, making the decision that much more difficult.  Currently, I love that I have been created with a creative heart and that I see the world in metaphors.  Last month, I loved that I had been created with a heart for service.  

I can see how they could all tie together.  Maybe?  It's slightly below the surface of the glassy water mirrored back at me, reflecting just enough to disable me from seeing the answer underneath.  

Plant Me A Magnolia Tree

Everytime I think that I have it figured out, I get completely thrown off my path.  Right now, life is an array of experiences and moments that give me a glimpse of their endings and then flip a switch at the last minute.  

I thought I had healed on an issue.  I thought I had grown past it.  With all of the growing I have done in the last year, I was sure that was an area that I was beyond.  It turns out that, while I have indeed grown a ridiculous amount, there was a bitterness and a hurt that was starting to bubble up out of me.  I'm not sure I'll say more on that other than a talk was had.  A little bit more of a resolution has come to pass.  

There's also the issue that I while I was previously so sure that PA school was the route I was going to be on now.  But it turns out that the artistic nature in me will not be quelled.  I want to write.  There's no reason why I can't do it all right?  Minus the fact that I think I already am shortening my life by years due to the amount I am involved in so far.  

(I'm not actually concentrating on writing this right now, so maybe I should just stop before I butcher good ideas...)

Study Day is tomorrow...I'll catch up in here and start processing some thoughts.

The weight of the significance of life is bearing down on me greatly today...

Not necessarily a bad thing.  Just...heavy.

More to follow when I don't have to get up at 4:30am.