The only political rant you will see me go on

Ok.

So Obama is pretty much killing McCain in the polls right now. It would take a major upset for McCain to win at this point.

And yet, Obama's campaign decides that it is a good idea to run a 30 minute commercial, airing on a number of different channels.
The cost of running is by no means cheap. The cost of running a 30 minute add on 3 stations nation wide: a staggering minimum of $3.5 million, with it more likely being in the $4-$5 million range.

I'm sorry but for someone who is talking so much about poverty and ending this war because of costs to the nation and dreaming of the possibilities for that money to be used elsewhere, you sure are spending a lot of unnecessary money, are you not, Mr. Obama?
The cost of campaigns is disgusting to me as it is, but to do something like this makes me rethink my as-of-yet undecided vote.

bah bah

i haven't updated this in a while but it's been busy and my head has been hurting. This usually means 1 of several things:
-i'm getting sick
-i'm thinking too much
-i'm wrong about something
-i'm listening to the jazz that makes you head want to explode

i'm pretty sure that all 4 are happening, so that's definitely cause to make my head hurt.


i'm currently in the midst of a pity party, but there's not much to do about it besides yank myself out of it and tell myself to move on. i don't think i'll really delve deeper into it on here simply because then the 3 people who read this would know without a shadow of a doubt that i am, in fact, insane. :P we'll just save the ranting involved with this one for my actual journal that is almost done. i need to start searching for a new one.

for as much as i think, you'd believe that i'd be able to control my mind with stuff like this, but it's not possible.

(don't worry, i'm not in any real danger here.) i am however concerned a little for the sake of some things, but it's nothing that i haven't been through, pulled myself out of and moved on from before.

i'm not even sure why i'm still typing about this. probably because i don't actually feel like writing about it yet, so i'll just beat around the bush until i decide that i need to pick this apart in my head.

silly rae.

on another note, it's almost november.


...and that's why they call me "rae-dhd"

Am I a Bad Person for this?

So it's 12:40am the night before Sarah's wedding and I am literally hiding out in the lobby of the hotel because I simply needed a break. Twelve weddings in 6 months has finally worn me down. Like I have said, I am so so happy for them, but I am so tired of the emotional roller coaster that each one is.
I decided to come down and write a bit to try an process some stuff.

The woman at the front desk is older. She will be here until 6am and was very helpful to us, but seems sad. So I wanted to come down and write, but I also just wanted to sit in her presence for a while because I feel like not many people talk to her. So when I got down here, she was mopping the floor and we made small talk for a bit. It came out that her husband died last November. She talked to me about the cot that she is sleeping on tonight that has springs that stick up.

And she made me want to cry.

So I have one friend 3 floors above me who is ready to give her life to a man that is completely wonderful. And I have another friend who gave her life to a man and he is now dead and she is sad. And I don't mean just the emotion of sadness, but the type of sadness that seeps out of you and makes other people aware of their own sadness.
The idea of that terrifies me.

But Sarah is so happy and so excited and I am all of those things for her. I am glad that she has found someone that makes those fears pale in comparison to the love that she is feeling from him. We should all be so lucky.

And tomorrow, I will be even more excited and I will dance and I will laugh and this feeling will go away.

That, and I won the lemon-sucking-stairing competition against Eric, Casey, Heidi and Erik. Awwww yeah.

Peanut Butter Puffins

This is the first time that I've woken up and wanted to write for a while. Usually, the inclination to do so hits me a while into the day and by that time, it's too busy to do anything about it until late at night (and then I usually get sucked into an episode of Grey's. (Thank God that's over since I got through all of the seasons now and don't have any more to watch. I could really care less about this season. I just wanted the immediate satisfaction of knowing what came next.)
Sarah and Ken are getting married this weekend out in New Glarus and it's the last one that I am going to for the year. I have a break until May when they start up again, but I don't think I'll have a summer as nearly as packed as this one was. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends that were married this summer/fall and I'm so excited for them, but I'm just emotionally checked out. I simply can't handle any more. The amount of thinking that comes with each of them is just too much and, let's face it, emotional drainage. I'm not anywhere near being ready for any such commitment like that and to watch it makes me freak out a little more every time. But I am beginning to realize that that is good. I should be scared. It means I value what it is. It means that if I ever do stand up in front of all of my friends and family in a white dress and say vows to someone, I will do whatever it takes to be committed to that person. In fact, I am glad for this summer. I am glad that I am understanding the depth and solemnness of those vows. I am sure I will understand them more and be less terrified when I am actually looking at the person I will do that with, but for now, it's an ambiguous, amorphic concept.
And I'm ok with that. I would not be learning the things that I am learning -- I would not be doing the things that I am doing -- if that were the case.
I am glad to be where I am. And I am glad my friends are where they are. That they can go before me and show me the way. That I can watch and learn.
It's a beautiful thing.

I have the morning off and then I have to go into TJ's tonight. I always dread Thursday nights. I would so much rather work the mornings, but for now, this is how it has to be until I can work up the guts to talk to my boss and ask him for Thursday nights back. We'll see if I ever get the courage to do that.
After that, it's a shift tomorrow morning and then off to New Glarus for the rehearsal. At least it'll be a beautiful fall weekend and I can get out of Madison to enjoy some of it!

Some sort of semblance of thoughts on poverty (Blog Action Day)

Blog Action Day happens to fall on World Hunger Day. A day when people who are deeply committed to the fight against poverty make a huge push to raise awareness in any way that they can.
I understand now the frustration of this sort of endeavor; to try to raise awareness on a topic to have a handful of people jump onboard to join you in the fight, but for the most part, to raise people's awareness for a day or a week or a month, but only to have them go back to their day to day lives where they live in America, get in their cars, drive to their jobs, go out to grab food because they forgot to pack a lunch, come home, make dinner, sit down and watch a couple episodes of Grey's Anatomy on dvd and then head to their beds. I know this because this is what I did today.
I go through phases of being more aware of the world around me, but for the most part, I am a girl completely devoid of any social responsibility to those who are in situations that are not as good as mine. The sad thing is that as a whole, Americans are plagued with this affliction of complete unawareness. And you can't really blame them. Most of them have never experienced anything other than their norm.
I hadn't either really...
Until a year and a half ago when I went to Honduras, but even now, I still do not understand the extent of what I saw there.
Let me just tell you a little bit about Honduras.
Honduras is a country in Central America that has boarders with the Caribbean, Guatemala, Nicaragua, and El Salvador. It is about the size of Tennessee. The terrain is mostly mountainous on the interior and has narrow coasts. You can start at the coast and within approximately 10 miles, be in the heights of a mountain range. The government of Honduras is a democracy. Life expectancy is approximately late 60's. And the literacy rate is approximately 32% illiterate. Honduras is one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere with an extraordinary unequal distribution of wealth. Most of the country is below the poverty line with 44% living with less than $2 a day and 23% living with less than $1 a day. 22% of the population is undernourished and there is less than 1 doctor for every 1,000 people.
That is compared to the U.S. where only 9.8% of our country is below the poverty line (which is still appalling, but not nearly as bad.)

Ok. So that was a crap load of statistics. But the reality of Honduras is that it is a beautiful country with unbelievable people. They are dirt pour, but they are a joyful people, always ready to laugh and joke around (though they don't really understand sarcasm..)
They have nothing, but because of that, they seem to have everything.
The family we were building for down there was an amazing family that we got to work side by side with, as well as people from around the neighborhood who just wanted to lend a hand because they were family. Every morning, we would arrive at the worksite and work through the day moving and laying bricks one by one in the repulsive heat and humidity, praying for rain to fall for some relief. We must have moved a house worth of bricks 3 times across the yard.
But every morning, the dad would send out his girls to the local store to buy 2 liters of Coke for us because it was the only thing he could afford to say thank you to us. None of us wanted to drink it because all we wanted was water, as we were sweating our body weight out by the hour, but it was how he knew how to say thank you.
And as we built with them and got to know them across a language barrier, we became part of their family. We laughed with them and danced with them and cried with them when it was time to leave.
And through it all, I saw that all I wanted to do was create a family across boarders; across languages; across economic differences; across social differences.
And even now, I look at pictures and wonder how my family is settling into their new home. I wonder if I will ever be able to go visit them again (they said we had a home to stay in any time we visited!)

But you don't need to go to Honduras to do it. There are people ride along side of us on the sidewalks as we walk to the coffee shop who would love a chance to know what it's like to go home, make dinner, sit down and watch a couple of episodes of Grey's and fall asleep in their warm beds.

So. What do we do?

We start small. We make it happen, one brick at a time.

hiatus

I think it can officially be deemed *fall.*

This is my season.  I love fall.  I love the smells.  I love the colors.  I love the way the grass looks when it is wet in the morning and it gets my shoes all wet.  I (sometimes) love the mood it puts me in.  I love the October night skies that only seem to form this time of year.  The ones that are beautiful but kind of creepy at the same time, with the patchy clouds and waning moons.  

And I'm struggling more now that I have with this than ever before...

side note

At a coffee shop, eavesdropping on what appears to be a 30 something's first coffee date and discussing politics.

"Palin is a sorority girl who is in over her head," says the man.  

My question to him:  What presidential or vice presidential candidate has ever NOT been from the greek system with no clue what they are getting themselves into??

I'm not saying I will vote for Palin.  I'm simply saying that presidential candidates are drawn from a particular type of people, despite being man or woman, black or white, democrat or republican.   And if I were the woman having coffee with this man, I would have stood up and walked out by now.  

Then again, who am I to talk?  I group people into categories all the time.

Strengths Finder 2.0

So for the internship, Kate and I had to take a strengths finder test to determine...well, what our strengths are.  

Mine hit dead on.  In fact, they all work together too, which is interesting.  

Also, many of my strengths also work with many of my spiritual gifts, often almost being the same thing, if not being the exact same thing.

So without further ado, here are the results for my test and a basic premise of what each one is (They start at my strongest...some explanations are longer than others):

1. Ideation

  "You are fascinated by ideas.  What is an idea?  An idea is a concept, the best explanation of the most events.  You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface of an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are the way they are.  An idea is a connection.  Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections.  An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges.  You revel in taking the world we all know and turning it around so we can view it from a strange but strangely enlightening angle.  You love all these ideas because they are profound, because they are novel, because they are clarifying, because they are contrary, because they are bizarre.  For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you.  Others may label you creative or original or conceptual or even smart. Perhaps you are all of these.   Who can be sure?  What you are sure of is that ideas are thrilling.  And on most days, that is enough."

2. Activator

"You are impatient for action.  Only action can make things happen.  Others may worry that there are still some things that aren't known, but this doesn't seem to slow you.  If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight.  You are not going to sit around waiting until all of the lights have turned green.  Action is the best dvice for learning.  You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn.  This learning informs your next action and your next. "

3. WOO

WOO stands for Winning Others Over.  You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you.  Strangers are rarely intimidating to you.  On the contrary, they can be energizing.  Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say.  You don't.  Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection.  Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on.  In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet--lots of them."

4. Communication

"You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write.  You feel a need to bring ideas and events to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid.  You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors.  You want your information to survive, despite a person's short attention span.  You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in.  This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase.  This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations.  This is why people like to listen to you.  Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act."

5. Connectedness

"Things happen for a reason.  You are sure of it.  Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures.  Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives.  The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong.  It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries."

Rainy Day Ramblings

I think that I have decided that at some point in my young adult life, I want to live in Nashville.  I think it would be a city that I fit into really well and that would love me.  

We'll see.  I'm not sure I'd be able to handle living more than an hour and a half from my family.  

But who knows...

A Break in the Clouds

Today was a cold, rainy Sunday.  

It reminded me of being young, going to church and then coming home and curling up on the couch (tucked, of course, behind my mom on the couch because it was the only place left in the room to sit) with a bowl of soup and some crackers with peanut butter and putting in a good movie.

I went to Fountain of Life today with Andy and a girl from his lifegroup for the first time.  It was incredibly out of my comfort zone, but I was grateful for that.  I would go on a more regular basis if I could carve out a 3 hour chunk of time from my Sundays more often.  But that's not likely to happen often.  I started tutoring there on Tuesdays and it's been really great to be serving, as well as setting up service opportunities for college students.  It was starting to feel a little bit weird not doing what I was making paths for others to be able to do.  The service was very different from Blackhawk.  I was a minority.  I was quiet.  I moved a little bit during worship, but not nearly as much as I'm sure the people around me were moving.  It was very freeing at the same time that it was intimidating.  But the way these people approached worship was inspiring and reminded me of my inheritance in Christ.  

I was sitting in a coffee shop with Brent after the disheartening Brewers loss that booted them out of the playoffs (sad).  There was a break in the rain clouds that cast a beautiful and interesting light upon the street outside as I was reading through Erik Dunkin's blog that he is keeping while he is doing Teach for America on the southside of Chicago.  Oh goodness.  He is in over his head, and I'm pretty sure he knows it.  But he is keeping with it despite that, which is inspiring and unbelievable.  But I was reading through a letter that he wrote and posted an excerpt on.   And I realized that Erik was asking the same questions that I have been batting around for some time now.  

So with that, I was able to ask more questions.  Here is what I wrote back to him:

It’s an interesting thing.

I was just talking with one of the pastors at bhawk about this. The Grace Works series was great and inspiring and everything. But I can’t help but feel like a vast majority of people may have missed what is truly happening at this point. That they will jump from doing nothing to doing something, but never stopping to know *why* that something is being done…without contemplating the reality of their salvation and the reason why it creates a reaction of wanting to serve the poor and the lonely and the downcast. Could it be that we have created too much of a pendulum swing? Will we create a culture where everything is purely based off of a check list now?
It’s a fine line.

And if this is truly the heart of God and this is the reality of our salvation; and if this is what it takes to truly know who Christ is and to have a relationship with Him, then the road to Him is even narrower than I originally anticipated.

And then there’s also this question: If good works are the result of a transformation in Christ, does it mean that if there is no such reaction that we really don’t trust God for our salvation just yet? –Does it mean that we never had it to begin with? Or is it more that good works are a result of a salvation that has matured?

This is something that has been developing for a while in me.  These questions are central premises to everything.  Let me try to describe to you how I feel about this:

I feel like I am looking up at this ceiling.  And on this ceiling there is a beautiful painting...we're talking Sistine Chapel here.  But there is a fresh coat of solid blue paint over the top of the whole thing.  And every once in a while, I reach up and run my finger across the paint to reveal a glimpse of the masterpiece underneath.  But the ceiling is so big.  And the paint is so thick.  And I know that no matter how much I try to clear off, it's too vast and even if I could, the image beneath would be blurry, smeared and cloudy.  

So I settle and am content to just grasp a small sight of the bigger picture whenever I have the opportunity, but I'm dying to know what the bigger picture is.  Day after day, I get a piece of the painting...a new image...revealing to me how ignorant I was yesterday on what is truly the image beneath.

Naivety

To begin with, the Brewers are in the playoffs and had their first game today.  They lost, but I have faith that they will redeem themselves tomorrow for game 2 against the Phillies.  

So after a very odd weekend camping in western Wisconsin, I came home with an odd looking rash on my leg that has since developed into several nasty blisters with red streaking, which can really only signify that I got into some poison ivy/oak/sumac/some other stupid weed that has no practical purpose.  One of the blisters looks like a Mike and Ike is stuck to my leg.  The fortunate thing is that it doesn't itch: it just burns.  The problem is, though, that I don't have insurance right now due to the fact that I just switched jobs, so I can't really have a doctor look at it.  But, if it is poison ivy, then it really shouldn't require a doctor, since it will just dry up on it's own hopefully.  Mark (My brother, the PA) will be home in a couple of days and he can look at it then.  Until then, I'm stuck debating whether I should pop the blisters or let them go.  But I definitely have a lot of laundry to do, as I don't know exactly what was contaminated, including the brand new sleeping bag, the sheets I slept in that night, jeans, pjs, socks, Chacos, any clothing that may have come in contact with it... So pretty much anything in my hamper.  Pain in the butt.  Especially with coin operated laundry.

It was dumb on my part to go hiking through the woods, off the trail, in nothing but my Chacos and jeans rolled up.  

That isn't the only area that I have been naive though.  But at least I am learning.  I feel like I may be going through a period of growth right now, which is good, but it's a little disconcerting to know how silly and inexperienced you are.

So due to my blisters, I couldn't run this morning, but I decided to attempt a walk instead because it was a beautiful morning and I wanted to get some amount of exercise.  Because I was walking, I was able to stop and think more.  I miss the long walks to class, especially on beautiful fall mornings like today.  At any rate, I was walking and one thing that I always seem to do when I walk is to pray.  It is just a nice time to reflect and have quiet and I always enjoy it.  

But as I was praying, I realized lately that my prayers have been severely lacking in sentiment or even content lately.  

I have been incredibly hard-hearted recently, which I think has caused a great amount of naivety in me, and therefore, a frustration of other people because I am not teachable.  I realized that my prayers have severely lacked confession, or even a desire to want things that I should confess to be brought to the surface.  After thinking about this a bit more on the walk, I realized that confession used to be much easier for me.  When I was not such a 'moral person,' (please note the amount of sarcasm that you would have heard in my voice if we had been talking face to face) confession used to be much easier to come up with things.  "God forgive me for getting drunk last night and making out with that boy" is much easier than "God forgive me for judging that person because I don't think their way of serving is as good as mine" or even "God forgive me for not being willing to see areas in my life that I need to confess to you."  

It's an interesting thing to realize that you are just like the Pharisee you read about in Mark that morning...  when you figure out that the way you think is wrong... that you are not at all good enough on your own and that you have a constant need to be lead by the one who created you.  

And it's a nauseating thing to know that just when you think you are so good, you are probably at a time when you are the worst.   

On my walk I also thought about the last 4 sermons that I heard at Blackhawk, all on Grace and why we are saved and the reaction in us that this should cause.  (Ephesians 2:4-10)  As I was thinking about it, or rather, as I was thinking about all of the things that I have been thinking about for 4 weeks, and even before that, I was struck with this idea that I had missed it entirely...and that many people may have missed the message entirely.  It is not that we are saved to evangelize people and to "spread the kingdom of God."  We are saved for the reason that is much narrower and cooler than that.  We are saved to show people the love of Christ, and BECAUSE of that, the kingdom of God is shown to those who need to see it.  It is a fine line of distinction.  And if this is also what it takes to know Christ and therefore, to receive eternal life, then the idea that the "path is narrow" takes on an even realer reality.  First, the line must be identified, and then it must be followed.  

And how often am I actually able to make that distinction in my life?

Ouch...