panic sets in

Alright.
If this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I am going to be an emotional wreck in about 2 more weeks...

Still more affirmation that I should be moving. It just keeps coming. Cool.

Realizing more and more what I'm leaving and the situation I'll be putting myself in:

t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g.


My friends up here are amazing.
My family is amazing.
I could get a job in a non-profit and I'm sure be fat and happy.

But I couldn't.



The risk involved is great. I'm pretty sure I will wake up at least 3 days out of a week wondering why I made the decision. I have no idea what I'm doing as far as teaching is concerned. I am throwing myself into the rhetorical snake pit here. What chance do I have to make it out alive when there are snakes with fangs dripping with venom all around me?

Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
I think I am just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. A lot is going on right now. A lot is moving really fast. What is weird is that, usually, I'm the one who dives in head first without looking back. But this time, I am nauseated when I look forward and nauseated when I look back.

Pastor Chris gave a sermon about Hannah and 1 Samuel on Sunday. At first, I didn't get it. I sat through the sermon. I went the rest of Sunday evening and through Monday night pondering what made Hannah so great. Sure, she gave up a son. So what? Plenty of mothers did it throughout Biblical history. So why was Hannah so special?

And then it dawned on me. Hannah was special because having a child was who she was. Samuel was her life. And she gave it to God. With high amounts of pain, I'm sure, but she did it willingly. She gave up who she was for the sake of the Kingdom. And from her willing heart, Samuel grew up, anointed King David, from which came the lineage that lead to Jesus.
No small feat... And apparently that is what God does with a willing heart.

So the question remains:
Am I willing to give up myself and who I am? Am I willing to stick my money where my mouth is?

Good gosh, I hope so.

A Decision and a Doubt

Mom and Dad, If you are reading this, stop now...


Last week, I made the final decision (99% sure) that I will be moving to New Orleans this summer. Depending on if I get the teaching fellowship that I want, I will either leave in June or in August.
You may be thinking, "What?? Where did this come from?" But the reality is, I have been thinking about it for a while. It was on the top of my list for Teach for America (which I didn't get) and as I began to plan the trip in March for CAM more, my heart just kind of broke for this city. I was down there last March and saw first hand that it is a city that is in dire straights and just needs people down there pouring into it. And specifically the neighborhood that we worked in, and will be working in, Central City. New Orleans is now considered the most crime-ridden city in the U.S. and Central City is the considered the most dangerous neighborhood in that city. But, having some friends down there, and a heart for it and a knowledge that the Kingdom of God is in our hearts and the way that it comes is by people going into the world to bring it. As hearts accept Christ, the Kingdom spreads. Redemption is possible.
So I was flying pretty high there for a while on that decision.

And then I started to think about what this actually means. I started to think selfishly about saying goodbye to my family and my friends and moving 18 hours away from anything I have ever known. I thought about leaving the changes in seasons that I love so much for a humid climate. And I thought about my personal safety. Here is an article that I stumbled across while reading some of the news down there today:

http://www.wdsu.com/news/18455053/detail.html

How in the world is this even possible? How could someone slit the throat of their child to get out of paying child support??? I read about shooting after shooting. And I am terrified. I am a girl. I am from a small town. What chance do I have??
And yet, if I don't go, I will be missing out on what I feel that God has called me to. I have always known that I would never live a normal life. I will never have nice cars and that big house in suburbia. I would hate that.
But I also never expected to be here.

But I guess this is where we separate the boys from the men, so to speak. Am I willing to put everything on the line for what I believe in? Am I willing to put my money where my mouth is and love people, even if it kills me? I want to know that I would and will. God has blessed me (or cursed me...I supposed depending on how you look at it) with a willing heart. And it is going to take me into the most challenging situation I could possibly imagine.

And yet, I know it will be a beautiful experience that will teach me how to trust and love God more.


So. 6 months...

Jasmine Tea on a [Fake] Spring Day

I woke up this morning and it was sunny. That wasn't that out of the ordinary. Appreciated, but not incredible.
But then I walked outside to my car to go pick up Kate...
It was warmer. The snow was slushy and making my pants wet. And there was a sound that I haven't heard for months...wait for it....

birds chirping.
yes.
There were birds singing as if it were the break of spring. And I could help but feel relief. Even though I know there is still a good solid 2 months of winter left, it was a
Welp.
It's been a little while since I sat down to write anything. I feel like life has thrown me some curve balls lately and it's been interesting.



the rest of this was typed out but then blogger went down. i had a whole conversation typed out about me telling my dad some pretty big news.

but now i'm lazy and don't want to retype it.

so. you'll have to wait.

January is not a good time for extroverts

The sun was out for a bit today, so I stayed outside and did some things to my car that needed to get done after getting back from my run. The run was an attempt to get some energy. It usually helps but today, I'm not sure what happened. Within a few minutes of getting back, I was tired again. January just does this to me in general. February too. In December, winter is still new and exciting and I love it. January/February is the time when it gets a little too cold to do much outside. March promises spring.
The thing I've always liked least about January is that it seems to be the loneliest month of the year. Logistically, students leave, people aren't outside, everyone is cold and lazy. But being someone who really thrives off of being around people, this really gets to me. Especially now that I live with less people and more people leave.
It would be fine if it made me want to get work done, but it makes me pretty lethargic too. I spare time that I have has been getting spent on..well...not much at all. I've been researching a lot of new music, which has been good. But reading makes me more tired and writing has been like pulling teeth because I simply don't want to think.
Maybe I need something new and exciting to pull me out of this? It's just a little bit of a slump. It'll pass.
We checked out the Chris Koza show last night and celebrated Steph's birthday. Good times, although it was really crowded in there, which wasn't like the other shows of his that we've been to. I was slightly annoyed with the territorial girls standing next to Reina and I but we trudged through it and managed to really enjoy the show. I wish he would have played longer, though. It simply wasn't enough!
Little Evangeline is here. Gotta love that. :)

I've had a lot of passing thoughts lately. It's weird. It's like these really deep, difficult to think about things, but I'm too lazy to really think more about them. I have a feeling that they're all connected but I don't feel like making the connections. I'm positive this is a bad idea and I should start up with it.
I'm also positive that I should be writing more and writing with intention instead of all of this rambling crap. Could 2009 be the year of the book? Who knows. I have nothing permanent on the agenda yet.
I find out about my 2nd round for Teach for America on Tuesday. I'm nervous. But it'll be good. I think either way, I won't be in Madison next year. I need to get out. Move around. Do something. There's just not enough here right now to convince me otherwise and I feel like there's something bigger out there. I just wish I had a clue what that was.

Anyhow, I really should be reading my chapter assignment for Tuesday and working on some other stuff.
Procrastination: 1. Rae: 0.

wisdom from a 5 year old girl

Today wasn't one of my better days. I was tired from not really having slept because I was distraught over a situation. And the worry over the situation carried into today. It was one of those days where I wore a hoody and kept up the hood for the first 4 hours of the day. I just wanted to burrow and crawl into my place, but luckily I didn't. So the work that I've been putting into pushing throw my emotions that usually cause me to shut down is paying off a little. Which is good. It has not been easy. I just am just a really deep feeler, and that's just fine, but I need to function in the world still.

Anyway, I made it through coffee break and a 3 hour meeting with Becca and Kate to talk about the next couple of weeks and what needs to get done...and to tear a book apart that we all are not liking, but are reading together as staff. Got quite a bit done for the New Orleans trip...and then headed off to tutoring, really really tired and definitely not feeling like being there. Emotion shown through, as it always does...and then turned up a little when I found out my sister was in labor with my new little niece. (# freakin 9 on the niece/nephew front).
But the reality of coming back to tutoring and the fact that I still have no idea what I'm doing sunk in to real ramifications because I turned in my application for Teach For America on Saturday. YAY! But cripes. What am I thinking? And yet. I've never wanted to do anything more. It comes from a deep spot in me, which sounds horribly corny. It's the same spot that gives me excitement when I talk about Local Impact stuff and getting college students excited about the idea of serving in their community. Same spot. Different things. Well...not really?

Anyway, so tutoring..

I ran a girl down the road to a meeting she needed to be at and when I got back, everyone was eating dinner in the other room. But Jasmine, the 5 year old daughter of the woman who cooks our dinners for the program, was eating Tuna Helper by herself at the table. So I sat down next to her and started asking her about her Christmas. She humored me for a little while but then stopped and looked at me.
Then she said "Your skin looks like white chocolate." (Jasmine is, although a handful at times--what 5 year old isn't?--, a beautiful little black girl.)
I smiled and asked, "Is that ok?"
She stopped for a little minute...long enough for me to wonder what her answer would be. Then she said, "Yeeeeah...."
She went back to eating her dinner and I looked down at the table, taking in the beauty of the situation that had just occurred and how much it had just come directly out of some sort of ridiculous inspiring movie about the success of integration.
And then, while still looking down at her plate and eating, she said these little words of wisdom:
"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

I had a hard time containing the laugh. It was adorable. And then the reality of what she had said set in. Here she was. A 5 year old girl with incredibly more wisdom that the 24 year old sitting in front of her.

If that doesn't humble you, I don't know what will...

Obligatory New Year Post

January 2, 2009.

Crazy.

Well, New Years Eve didn't completely disappoint this year. I think it's because I had no expectations on it. Which is a good thing, but severely making me question the expectations that I put on things in general and how it consistently sets me up for disappointment. What do you do with that? It seems like a rather bleak life to not put any expectations on anything or anyone, but when you set yourself up for failure, something needs to change. Oh well. Another year to learn. :)

I got to bring in New Years Day with lots of good friends too. Had brunch and debated deep theological complications with Lindsay. Laid around and watched a movie. Took the annual New Years Day walk in the cold. And then proceeded to binge on Toppers with Andy and Adam and watch what I believe is now my absolute favorite show, Freaks and Geeks. It really couldn't have gotten much better.

I got to go home for about a week total. Pretty great. Got to see some old friends that I hadn't seen in far too long. Nieces and nephews are getting ridiculous big. Brothers and sisters are getting grey hairs. (It pays to be the youngest.) Got to spend some time with my parents. (I have a great story about them, but I'll have to put it up later. I have to get to work now.)

But. All in all...

2009, I have no expectations on you, but confidence that you will deliver, if nothing else, learning, as years past have always done.