I have been in New Orleans for just over a month now and I believe that I have learned more [painful] lessons in this time than I have in the last year combined. James 1 is ever a comfort to me and never fails to remind me that, yes, this sucks, but it is good and I am growing and becoming more like Christ because of it...
In my last post, I talked about letting go of my notions of community. Not only have these thoughts gone deeper, but the chasm has opened wide and I now see a bigger picture that not only entails my community, but my life as a whole.
I sat down at a coffee shop yesterday for a while and listed all of the things that I feel that I "need" to feel like Rae. My list wasn't as superficial as I thought it would be--or so I thought.
My list:
Community
To be utilized well
Mental stimulation (ie. good conversation/music/art/etc)
Not bad, right? Well, then I went through the realizations from the last post--These are never promised to me. I have promises for good and joy and peace. But never a promise for the things listed above.
Anyway, so through this, I realized that He is bringing me to a place where all I need is Him. Well, that seems simple enough, right? Sure, all I need is God. That's what I thought before I embarked into this craziness, anyhow.
Now I am realizing that the stripping away of everything in which I once found comfort is the most ridiculous painful thing that I have ever experienced. My friends and family-a major source of comfort-are all 1,000 miles away. The internship that utilized me well and engaged me is no more. Even the ability to connect with God in nature has been taken from me, as it's incredibly difficult to see God in nature in the middle of a cement Island that is 8 feet below sea level.
So the question remains:
Where do I seek comfort? Because the fact that I feel that I am not me because of a lack of these things would reveal that it is not God from whom I seek my comfort. I heard a sermon today that shook me up a little bit. He talked about our short-sightedness. We desire things and He longs to give us SO MUCH MORE (If I could somehow relay the Southern Baptist accent in writing, it would make it so much more effective!). Everything in us wants our comforts and our routines, but Jesus has called us to GO (Matt. 28). We are not meant to be comfortable in this world, but only through Him.
The Holy Spirit should create in us a ripple affect--it should wake us up to desire that our hearts and our wills and our desires be crushed and that His replace them.
This then begs a question, though. I have the desire for my will to be crushed, so why doesn't it happen? Why do I constantly have to fight against myself to move anywhere?
Up north, I was often told that I had a servant's heart. The reality that this is nonsense has never been truer than what I see now in myself. A servant's heart does not just entail picking up the hymnals after the meeting or serving a meal at the shelter once a month. If that were a servant's heart, NONE of us would have any ability to live the life in Christ that we do now. A servant's heart cares for other people sacrificially. But what does it mean to live sacrificially? Here is the true message of the Gospel! A sacrificial heart lays down itself so that others may flourish. A sacrificial heart dies to its desire and its will and its need for the sake of the other.
This is the desire of my heart. I long to learn to love people sacrificially the way that Christ did. I long to learn how to die to my own will and desire for the sake of other's comfort and assurance that they are loved and cared for. And I realize that by asking for this that it will be granted to me because Psalm 37:4 reminds us that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. (Funny how the reality of that verse is that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, HE becomes our desire. Sneaky Sneaky, eh? It's the Catch-22 of falling in love with this God.)
The desire is there in me; the implementation is weak.
So the reality is this:
I long for comfort, but comfort cannot be found because He is teaching me about what it actually means to love the way that He loves us. He is teaching me what it means to love sacrificially. And that lesson begets no comfort unless comfort is Christ because everything that was once comfortable has been stripped away.
But in the lesson, the beauty of Paradise Restored resounds just a little bit more in this world.
It's all so beautifully interconnected.
Play by Play
-The job is going well at the Seminary's preschool, although it is, I hope, a stepping stone. I have an interview with a charter school this coming Wednesday for an Associate Teaching position, which would be wonderful. If you would pray for that, I would really appreciate it!
-I am now a member of Sojourn-Lakeview Baptist Church--I have never been a member of a church before, so this is an interesting experience and really only a couple of hours old.
-I got to visit with a great friend Andy Camann this weekend when he came in to town from Houston!
Growing Curves
Please also pray for these things that I am discovering or being shown to me:
I need to learn to be a better listener and to truly learn to show care for the people talking to me. I may intake what people are saying, but I do a poor job of relaying that. There is usually so much happening in my head that I sometimes zone out or shut down. This absolutely needs to change.
I also need to learn to slow down under pressure and make better decisions in that pressure.
Both of these things are not new discoveries, but down here in this context, if I do not learn to do them, major things are affected.
Please join me in praying for a change in me to be more like Christ in these areas--I appreciate it.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
An Attempt at Standing Up
2 Part Update!
I decided to do this one as 2 parts: The first part is just the basics of what is going on. The second is bigger things there are going on in my head. I figure that not everyone wants to read the second part (oven people vs. microwave people :P )
Part 1:
I have a meeting with a woman tomorrow about a possible job. We will see how that goes.
I am also the midst of still digging through jobs and sending out resumes. I am feeling slightly unmotivated it in, so please pray for stamina and perseverance.
We are also looking for an apartment for August 1 that will be cheap and in a good location, but I am currently the only one around, but I do seem to have at least 3 roommates to live with now.
I am melting in the this heat and can't eat enough popsicles! :P
Part 2:
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.
- Henry David Thoreau
I read this quote today and it hit me pretty hard. I function in writing. The way I write and the amount that I write is a good indication of where I am at in life. The times that I am learning the most and processing the most are the times when I am writing the most. So I can relate pretty well to Henry up there. I don't have anything to write about unless I've bothered to pay attention to the world around me.
But to be honest, I've been in survival mode for the last bit of time here. This move has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And like the already oppressive heat of New Orleans that I have experienced thus far--this has not been the worst of it.
The first 5 days here were distracted, with my parents being down here. The next few were just fine because Michael and I were spending quite a bit of time together, so I wasn't really lonely. Piece of cake.
And then yesterday and today happened: Too hot for me to really want to leave the house but desperate to not feel lonely.
It has got me thinking quite a bit though. And in conjunction with the sermon that I heard at the church I attended on Sunday as well as with the community group that I went to based off of that sermon, I believe my world might be turning on its head.
For the last 3.5 years, I have been surrounded by amazing fellowship and community. Let's face it, I have been spoiled, like the youngest child that I am. I loved every minute of it and miss it terribly. But I think that it might have crippled me a bit. The sermon and small group tonight focused on sin and we talked for a bit about idols. This was a challenging topic for me because I began to be more convicted (I had already started thinking about it a little bit) because I believe the good community that I had up there became an idol to me--I found worth in it. I found comfort in it. It fulfilled me. While God has such joy in community for us, there is a line we can cross, as with any good and perfect gift that comes from Him, where it becomes a crutch to replace instead of a gift to receive. Sad, huh?
Community is nothing unless it is fulfilling the will of God by inviting other people in to share in His goodness. But what does that mean? Something I recently realized is that we have such a tendency to trick ourselves into believing that we are doing His will with community when really we are not. We invite people into our community if they are like us--we have an application that needs to be filled out, screen tests that need to be run, and background checks that need to be gone through. God's purpose for community is that EVERYONE should experience Himself through it. But we, as consumers, have infiltrated the true calling for community. Instead, we make community fit to what we need, not to what He needs to be accomplished.
We make it our idol.
We are fulfilled by it, so long as it fulfills what we need.
Tonight, I felt a little bit like I understood God more.
In a conversation about spending time with people and the motivation for doing that, I got blindsided by a reality.
I am an extrovert to the core. I get fed off of being around people. But this can easily trick me into believing that I need people. But it's not the case. If my relationship were right with God, all I would need was Him.
And aside from that, the bigger thing that I understood Him more in is this:
The situation has occurred where I have been lonely and people have wanted to be there for me, so despite knowing that they need alone time, they hang out with me because they know that I need it. It is out of care for me and a genuine desire to be there for me--but I can always tell when they are doing it out of duty and when they are doing it because they really want to.
And then I realized that this is what God must go through all of the time with us. Our constant knowledge that we should hang out with Him, as opposed to a real desire to spend time with Him.
There is a sadness that comes along with the former situation and it made me remorse over all of the times that I have spent time with God out of duty, rather than spending time with Him because I actually care about the relationship and want it to grow. And it stems from a deeper issue than I care to write about tonight, so I will have to come back to it later.
I decided to do this one as 2 parts: The first part is just the basics of what is going on. The second is bigger things there are going on in my head. I figure that not everyone wants to read the second part (oven people vs. microwave people :P )
Part 1:
I have a meeting with a woman tomorrow about a possible job. We will see how that goes.
I am also the midst of still digging through jobs and sending out resumes. I am feeling slightly unmotivated it in, so please pray for stamina and perseverance.
We are also looking for an apartment for August 1 that will be cheap and in a good location, but I am currently the only one around, but I do seem to have at least 3 roommates to live with now.
I am melting in the this heat and can't eat enough popsicles! :P
Part 2:
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.
- Henry David Thoreau
I read this quote today and it hit me pretty hard. I function in writing. The way I write and the amount that I write is a good indication of where I am at in life. The times that I am learning the most and processing the most are the times when I am writing the most. So I can relate pretty well to Henry up there. I don't have anything to write about unless I've bothered to pay attention to the world around me.
But to be honest, I've been in survival mode for the last bit of time here. This move has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And like the already oppressive heat of New Orleans that I have experienced thus far--this has not been the worst of it.
The first 5 days here were distracted, with my parents being down here. The next few were just fine because Michael and I were spending quite a bit of time together, so I wasn't really lonely. Piece of cake.
And then yesterday and today happened: Too hot for me to really want to leave the house but desperate to not feel lonely.
It has got me thinking quite a bit though. And in conjunction with the sermon that I heard at the church I attended on Sunday as well as with the community group that I went to based off of that sermon, I believe my world might be turning on its head.
For the last 3.5 years, I have been surrounded by amazing fellowship and community. Let's face it, I have been spoiled, like the youngest child that I am. I loved every minute of it and miss it terribly. But I think that it might have crippled me a bit. The sermon and small group tonight focused on sin and we talked for a bit about idols. This was a challenging topic for me because I began to be more convicted (I had already started thinking about it a little bit) because I believe the good community that I had up there became an idol to me--I found worth in it. I found comfort in it. It fulfilled me. While God has such joy in community for us, there is a line we can cross, as with any good and perfect gift that comes from Him, where it becomes a crutch to replace instead of a gift to receive. Sad, huh?
Community is nothing unless it is fulfilling the will of God by inviting other people in to share in His goodness. But what does that mean? Something I recently realized is that we have such a tendency to trick ourselves into believing that we are doing His will with community when really we are not. We invite people into our community if they are like us--we have an application that needs to be filled out, screen tests that need to be run, and background checks that need to be gone through. God's purpose for community is that EVERYONE should experience Himself through it. But we, as consumers, have infiltrated the true calling for community. Instead, we make community fit to what we need, not to what He needs to be accomplished.
We make it our idol.
We are fulfilled by it, so long as it fulfills what we need.
Tonight, I felt a little bit like I understood God more.
In a conversation about spending time with people and the motivation for doing that, I got blindsided by a reality.
I am an extrovert to the core. I get fed off of being around people. But this can easily trick me into believing that I need people. But it's not the case. If my relationship were right with God, all I would need was Him.
And aside from that, the bigger thing that I understood Him more in is this:
The situation has occurred where I have been lonely and people have wanted to be there for me, so despite knowing that they need alone time, they hang out with me because they know that I need it. It is out of care for me and a genuine desire to be there for me--but I can always tell when they are doing it out of duty and when they are doing it because they really want to.
And then I realized that this is what God must go through all of the time with us. Our constant knowledge that we should hang out with Him, as opposed to a real desire to spend time with Him.
There is a sadness that comes along with the former situation and it made me remorse over all of the times that I have spent time with God out of duty, rather than spending time with Him because I actually care about the relationship and want it to grow. And it stems from a deeper issue than I care to write about tonight, so I will have to come back to it later.
Friday, June 5, 2009
A place to call home?
Well, I have now been a New Orleans resident for 4 days.
I settled into the sublet that I have through July. By settled, I mean, got the boxes arranged along the wall so that I can walk around the room without tripping every 5 seconds. No point in unpacking completely if I am only going to be in this apartment for 2 months, right?
Since we arrived, I have basically just been doing the tourist thing with my parents, which has been good, but draining at the same time. My legs are tired from walking around, but it's great to be able to spend time with my parents as they experience my new city for the first time.
I am almost starting to learn my way around. The Mississippi River curves around in New Orleans about 3 times, making it difficult to tell which direction is where, not to mention, everything down here is just wacky. Uptown is actually down river while Downtown is up river. At least there is some semblance of a grid system that actually makes some logical sense, as opposed to everything working it's way out from the capital building... :P
I was talking to a man at a concert in Lafayette Square yesterday (they have a version of Concert on the Square down here too. But get this! They do theirs in the spring and fall because the summer months are actually the icky ones! (Have fun, suckers! I get double the amount of concerts than you do now! :P) Anyway... Felix runs a job center down here and we got to chatting after an introduction. His center focuses more on jobs for people with not as much education as I have, but he was helping me come up with ideas, nonetheless. He asked me why I was in New Orleans--A question many of you (and I) have asked myself. But then he asked a really interesting question--How long will I give myself before I pack it in if this doesn't feel like home? I didn't really have an answer to this question. I have focused this whole time on getting down here and have known for a while that I would probably be down here for a long haul. But the idea of "home" really got me thinking. How long will it take for New Orleans to feel like home?
Certainly, sitting here in my room, surrounded by everything I own that is packed up in boxes currently makes me doubt that this will ever happen. And after checking the Blackhawk website a few minutes ago just to see what was going on and seeing a picture up on the main page of me and a group of girls from Study Day, that reality cut a little deeper. Will anything feel as much like home as Madison, Wisconsin does?
I don't know the answer to this. But I know that when I got out of the car in the neighborhood of Central City the other day and a woman named Tess yelled across the street to me, ran over and gave me a hug, it felt like this could be home. And sitting on a blanket in Lafayette Square, listening to jazz music in the Louisiana sunshine, a little bit of my heart opened up more to the idea of it. Joking with the cop and the clerk at the counter at the local Winn Dixie grocery store certainly made big New Orleans feel a little smaller.
Will New Orleans ever feel like Madison did? Probably not. But do I believe that God is going to bless me with a feeling of home and community within this community? You can bet your parking spot at the 10:45 service on it.
As for the coming days, I will say a sobbing goodbye to my parents tomorrow night. This is the goodbye that I have tried to put off the longest, even making them drive me down here and stay for a week with me. :P It will be awful and I am not looking forward to it.
I will start really diving in and looking for a job when my parents leave. Please pray that God will teach me the things he needs to teach me in this time of uncertainty. I look forward to the challenge of a new job, but am also just anxious to secure something.
Thank you again for all of your prayers and words of encouragement!
I settled into the sublet that I have through July. By settled, I mean, got the boxes arranged along the wall so that I can walk around the room without tripping every 5 seconds. No point in unpacking completely if I am only going to be in this apartment for 2 months, right?
Since we arrived, I have basically just been doing the tourist thing with my parents, which has been good, but draining at the same time. My legs are tired from walking around, but it's great to be able to spend time with my parents as they experience my new city for the first time.
I am almost starting to learn my way around. The Mississippi River curves around in New Orleans about 3 times, making it difficult to tell which direction is where, not to mention, everything down here is just wacky. Uptown is actually down river while Downtown is up river. At least there is some semblance of a grid system that actually makes some logical sense, as opposed to everything working it's way out from the capital building... :P
I was talking to a man at a concert in Lafayette Square yesterday (they have a version of Concert on the Square down here too. But get this! They do theirs in the spring and fall because the summer months are actually the icky ones! (Have fun, suckers! I get double the amount of concerts than you do now! :P) Anyway... Felix runs a job center down here and we got to chatting after an introduction. His center focuses more on jobs for people with not as much education as I have, but he was helping me come up with ideas, nonetheless. He asked me why I was in New Orleans--A question many of you (and I) have asked myself. But then he asked a really interesting question--How long will I give myself before I pack it in if this doesn't feel like home? I didn't really have an answer to this question. I have focused this whole time on getting down here and have known for a while that I would probably be down here for a long haul. But the idea of "home" really got me thinking. How long will it take for New Orleans to feel like home?
Certainly, sitting here in my room, surrounded by everything I own that is packed up in boxes currently makes me doubt that this will ever happen. And after checking the Blackhawk website a few minutes ago just to see what was going on and seeing a picture up on the main page of me and a group of girls from Study Day, that reality cut a little deeper. Will anything feel as much like home as Madison, Wisconsin does?
I don't know the answer to this. But I know that when I got out of the car in the neighborhood of Central City the other day and a woman named Tess yelled across the street to me, ran over and gave me a hug, it felt like this could be home. And sitting on a blanket in Lafayette Square, listening to jazz music in the Louisiana sunshine, a little bit of my heart opened up more to the idea of it. Joking with the cop and the clerk at the counter at the local Winn Dixie grocery store certainly made big New Orleans feel a little smaller.
Will New Orleans ever feel like Madison did? Probably not. But do I believe that God is going to bless me with a feeling of home and community within this community? You can bet your parking spot at the 10:45 service on it.
As for the coming days, I will say a sobbing goodbye to my parents tomorrow night. This is the goodbye that I have tried to put off the longest, even making them drive me down here and stay for a week with me. :P It will be awful and I am not looking forward to it.
I will start really diving in and looking for a job when my parents leave. Please pray that God will teach me the things he needs to teach me in this time of uncertainty. I look forward to the challenge of a new job, but am also just anxious to secure something.
Thank you again for all of your prayers and words of encouragement!
Friday, May 29, 2009
terrified
1 day out from moving to New Orleans and I am half regretful and half excited.
right now, all I can see is the regret in leaving everyone I love so much here. I know this is just emotion, but it's consuming right now.
So long Madison....
right now, all I can see is the regret in leaving everyone I love so much here. I know this is just emotion, but it's consuming right now.
So long Madison....
Saturday, May 9, 2009
emotions run high...or low
The emotional toll of this move is finally setting in. I was at Paul's cd release party tonight with all of the people that I now consider to be just as close to me as family and I lost it toward the end of the night.
I know where I need to be. I just hate leaving to go there.
Oh that I could be in both places at once.
Life will go on without me. People will keep going on. Lives will change. I will miss it.
My heart is a little broken right now.
I know where I need to be. I just hate leaving to go there.
Oh that I could be in both places at once.
Life will go on without me. People will keep going on. Lives will change. I will miss it.
My heart is a little broken right now.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Most Important Thing
It's been a while. Life has been overwhelming. And it is my fault that it has been overwhelming.
I am a words person. And when I can't find words, I get all mentally constipated. But we all know that constipation eventually leads to one massive explosion...
(Ew.)
We've been going through a sermon series at Blackhawk called Resurrection Now. It has been challenging and growth producing and I've loved it but, like most growth, it has made me encounter pain also.
In the midst of all of this--A completion of an internship, The planning of a move to New Orleans, The packing up of a life-- I have discovered a deep, dark problem within myself...
I have a complete and utter lack of trust in the One who created me.
This is humbling and sad all at the same time. How could I have gone this long and never known this? Thank God for the work of the Holy Spirit who makes us aware to these things.
I have pain in my past that debilitates me. It has become abundantly clear that this is the case over the course of the last 8 months. But the fact of the matter is that everyone has pain in their past that debilitates them. I am no different from the next person. The difference that exists between me and the next person is that my faith is in Christ who takes away that pain...but not only takes away that pain! In that weakness, He is made stronger! What kind of God takes all of the ugliness of who I am and turns it into beauty? A good, faithful and loving God...that is who.
In 2 Corinthians, Paul speaks of a thorn in his flesh--a messenger from Satan to torment him. And he speaks of the 3 times that he asks for it to be taken from him. But the Lord says to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And then Paul says the most incredible thing: "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
What kind of logic is this?! When Kate first pointed out this chapter for me to read today, my mind was reeling trying to understand it. But again, once I stepped back and looked at it from a peripheral view, the image began to come together a little bit.
I am not supposed to have it all together. It's ok. In fact, it's the best thing that can happen. --as long as I can learn and rest in the fact that it is in that weakness of mine that Christ can do His work. His grace, through the work that Jesus did on the cross by defeating death and sin, is sufficient. And not only is it sufficient, but it is everything. It can sustain us.
And because of that--because our lives can be different because of Jesus--I will boast in my inability to let people in fully. I will boast in the fact that I am emotional. I will boast in the fact that I have had my heart ripped out and broken. Because in those things, with dependance on Christ, the one who makes weakness perfect, mysteriously through the work of the Holy Spirit working in my life, I am made strong. My complete lack of ability to do any of these things are the places in my life where Christ can shine through. People know that I can't trust and that I am emotional. And if I begin to let people in and use my emotions in a productive manner, to who else COULD the credit go other than the only One who has the ability to change that? Glory to Him!
...which is what it's all about anyway, right?
Lord, help me to embrace my thorns. To use evil for your glory through your work on the cross. Let it be tangible in the way I live and love, affecting all those around me. Help me to live with reckless abandonment. Be glorified in my life, God, because you have the ability to change the mess that I am.
I am a words person. And when I can't find words, I get all mentally constipated. But we all know that constipation eventually leads to one massive explosion...
(Ew.)
We've been going through a sermon series at Blackhawk called Resurrection Now. It has been challenging and growth producing and I've loved it but, like most growth, it has made me encounter pain also.
In the midst of all of this--A completion of an internship, The planning of a move to New Orleans, The packing up of a life-- I have discovered a deep, dark problem within myself...
I have a complete and utter lack of trust in the One who created me.
This is humbling and sad all at the same time. How could I have gone this long and never known this? Thank God for the work of the Holy Spirit who makes us aware to these things.
I have pain in my past that debilitates me. It has become abundantly clear that this is the case over the course of the last 8 months. But the fact of the matter is that everyone has pain in their past that debilitates them. I am no different from the next person. The difference that exists between me and the next person is that my faith is in Christ who takes away that pain...but not only takes away that pain! In that weakness, He is made stronger! What kind of God takes all of the ugliness of who I am and turns it into beauty? A good, faithful and loving God...that is who.
In 2 Corinthians, Paul speaks of a thorn in his flesh--a messenger from Satan to torment him. And he speaks of the 3 times that he asks for it to be taken from him. But the Lord says to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And then Paul says the most incredible thing: "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
What kind of logic is this?! When Kate first pointed out this chapter for me to read today, my mind was reeling trying to understand it. But again, once I stepped back and looked at it from a peripheral view, the image began to come together a little bit.
I am not supposed to have it all together. It's ok. In fact, it's the best thing that can happen. --as long as I can learn and rest in the fact that it is in that weakness of mine that Christ can do His work. His grace, through the work that Jesus did on the cross by defeating death and sin, is sufficient. And not only is it sufficient, but it is everything. It can sustain us.
And because of that--because our lives can be different because of Jesus--I will boast in my inability to let people in fully. I will boast in the fact that I am emotional. I will boast in the fact that I have had my heart ripped out and broken. Because in those things, with dependance on Christ, the one who makes weakness perfect, mysteriously through the work of the Holy Spirit working in my life, I am made strong. My complete lack of ability to do any of these things are the places in my life where Christ can shine through. People know that I can't trust and that I am emotional. And if I begin to let people in and use my emotions in a productive manner, to who else COULD the credit go other than the only One who has the ability to change that? Glory to Him!
...which is what it's all about anyway, right?
Lord, help me to embrace my thorns. To use evil for your glory through your work on the cross. Let it be tangible in the way I live and love, affecting all those around me. Help me to live with reckless abandonment. Be glorified in my life, God, because you have the ability to change the mess that I am.
Monday, March 30, 2009
direction
so in order to make sense of this...
the 3 posts below this one were written in consecutive order, but on here, they appear in reverse. so start with the bottom post from 3/30 and work your way up.
no more confusion. :P
the 3 posts below this one were written in consecutive order, but on here, they appear in reverse. so start with the bottom post from 3/30 and work your way up.
no more confusion. :P
Waiting for Noon
A long time ago, I wrote about the "beauty of ugliness," and that has stuck with me ever since. I see it everywhere now. A few days ago, I wrote this on a post-it note:
"The beauty of ugliness directly plays into the Gospel and God's response to us when we mess up. His response is not anger but to devise a plan to reconcile us to Himself. 2nd Samuel and Romans 5."
So the obvious gap that I had been experience was no doubt some unconfessed sin in my heart. But what? I had a gut instinct that it had something to do with my lack of trust lately, but was a lack of trust really a sin? It seemed pretty fundamental and something that I should have understood by now, but let's be real. I didn't know.
So I googled "sin" and "trust."
I clicked on the first website that I came across. It was helpful and brought me back to the verse(s) that I have been stumbling on all year.
Mark 12:29-31
Jesus said the Commandments are summed up in this: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.
Somehow I missed it the whole time. I have spent so much time concentrated on the second that I have forgotten about the more important one. There is not a second without a the first. Oh how blind I am.
So I spent the next 2 hours looking up every verse in the Bible that mentions the word "heart." I know... But I was desperate. I really wanted to break down the Greatest Commandment. It seemed pretty important.
545 verses later, this is what I discovered... (And I have scripture to back it all up.)
The heart is evil from childhood. The heart can be hardened on purpose by God or by our own doing. The heart can be discouraged. The heart remembers. The heart can be proud and forget. The heart can despair. The heart should be circumcised in order to love God fully and live. The Word is written on it. It can rejoice. God has a heart. The heart can change. It can be wicked and conceited. Terror can fill it. It has desires. It can discern. It can be joyful and glad. It can have integrity and wisdom. It can turn from God. If we follow it and keep His commands, we will always do right in His eyes. It can respond. It can seek. It can be tested. It can be sad or faithful. It can hide sin. Your heart can be one with someone else's.
Ok. A ton of cool things learned came out of this. But basically, the heart is everything. It is the connection between you and God. But at the same time, the heart is deceitful. I drew a couple of diagrams to help me. I'll see if i can do them on here.
God
(His heart)
I
I
My heart
I
I
Who I Am (My heart, soul, and strength)
So God has a heart. (1 Sam 2:35) And it connects directly to my heart. He speaks to us through our hearts. His Word is written on our hearts. And His Word is exactly that...His words to us. He speaks to us.
So my heart then is the source that connects to God. And that feeds into all the rest of me.
My soul: Who I am at the core. I am an artist, a thinker, a questioner, a student, a teacher, a troublemaker and a peacemaker.
My mind: My thoughts and the processing that happens.
My strength: What I am capable of. What I am good at. My gifts, talents and ambitions.
So basically, my heart is everything. But at the same time, it is deceitful. So somehow, we must trust God in order to get past ourselves so that we can have that direct and close connection. Let's break that picture down a little more, shall we?
God -----> Heart (With sin) /\/\/\/\/\-> Me
God -----> Heart (confessed sin) -----> Me
Again, a poor picture, but it does the job in my head. It's the same pathway, but sin distorts the message so that it either doesn't get through at all or it gets through garbled. And that message is vital. Purify the heart to remove the barrier.
Ok. But we're still basically at Square 1 here.
What does it all mean? It means to love Him with all you are because everything else comes from the heart. But what does this look like in my life now?...
I am not trusting God with all of my heart. And this is in defiance of a commandment, yes. But more importantly, it causes a garbled message. I have been loving God with my mind and soul and strength, but my heart was left out of the equation. It is the reason I can run through the motions. But without the heart, it is nothing because everything must flow from the heart. Not the other way around. Without it, we are but "clanging drums" because we are to glorify God and reflect back God to Himself, not ourselves.
So to trust God with my heart...
To trust Him with my fears. My anxiety. My joy. My desires. My plans. My creativity. My gift for connecting to people.
I have given into the seemingly elementary lies that we all seem to think we move past and become immune to. But we are not immune! GAR! What lies!! The lies that we think we have covered when we hit a certain point in our depth with God. "What are you talking about? I can do it this. I've got it in the bag. I know how to trust Christ." It's amazing, really, what an intricate and cunning and smart ability Satan has to deceive us if we are not continually reliant on the grace of God.
I was striving. Not trusting.
Good intentions are not enough. Only the sacrifice of Christ allows me into the connection that I desire and need for life. That connection is my life source--my air supply. It is what I must have to survive. I am fully dependent on it for survival, but sometimes I stubbornly hold my breath, believing that my lungs will produce air -oxygen and nitrogen- on their own. It is a silly thought, isn't it?
My Jesus, I am sorry. I was wrong. Restore to me a clean heart and do not tun your face from me any longer. Like the sun rising and shedding light on the tree branches, from the top to the bottom, renew me. Transform me into your beauty.
I stand with the trees, and I wait for noon.
"The beauty of ugliness directly plays into the Gospel and God's response to us when we mess up. His response is not anger but to devise a plan to reconcile us to Himself. 2nd Samuel and Romans 5."
So the obvious gap that I had been experience was no doubt some unconfessed sin in my heart. But what? I had a gut instinct that it had something to do with my lack of trust lately, but was a lack of trust really a sin? It seemed pretty fundamental and something that I should have understood by now, but let's be real. I didn't know.
So I googled "sin" and "trust."
I clicked on the first website that I came across. It was helpful and brought me back to the verse(s) that I have been stumbling on all year.
Mark 12:29-31
Jesus said the Commandments are summed up in this: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.
Somehow I missed it the whole time. I have spent so much time concentrated on the second that I have forgotten about the more important one. There is not a second without a the first. Oh how blind I am.
So I spent the next 2 hours looking up every verse in the Bible that mentions the word "heart." I know... But I was desperate. I really wanted to break down the Greatest Commandment. It seemed pretty important.
545 verses later, this is what I discovered... (And I have scripture to back it all up.)
The heart is evil from childhood. The heart can be hardened on purpose by God or by our own doing. The heart can be discouraged. The heart remembers. The heart can be proud and forget. The heart can despair. The heart should be circumcised in order to love God fully and live. The Word is written on it. It can rejoice. God has a heart. The heart can change. It can be wicked and conceited. Terror can fill it. It has desires. It can discern. It can be joyful and glad. It can have integrity and wisdom. It can turn from God. If we follow it and keep His commands, we will always do right in His eyes. It can respond. It can seek. It can be tested. It can be sad or faithful. It can hide sin. Your heart can be one with someone else's.
Ok. A ton of cool things learned came out of this. But basically, the heart is everything. It is the connection between you and God. But at the same time, the heart is deceitful. I drew a couple of diagrams to help me. I'll see if i can do them on here.
God
(His heart)
I
I
My heart
I
I
Who I Am (My heart, soul, and strength)
So God has a heart. (1 Sam 2:35) And it connects directly to my heart. He speaks to us through our hearts. His Word is written on our hearts. And His Word is exactly that...His words to us. He speaks to us.
So my heart then is the source that connects to God. And that feeds into all the rest of me.
My soul: Who I am at the core. I am an artist, a thinker, a questioner, a student, a teacher, a troublemaker and a peacemaker.
My mind: My thoughts and the processing that happens.
My strength: What I am capable of. What I am good at. My gifts, talents and ambitions.
So basically, my heart is everything. But at the same time, it is deceitful. So somehow, we must trust God in order to get past ourselves so that we can have that direct and close connection. Let's break that picture down a little more, shall we?
God -----> Heart (With sin) /\/\/\/\/\-> Me
God -----> Heart (confessed sin) -----> Me
Again, a poor picture, but it does the job in my head. It's the same pathway, but sin distorts the message so that it either doesn't get through at all or it gets through garbled. And that message is vital. Purify the heart to remove the barrier.
Ok. But we're still basically at Square 1 here.
What does it all mean? It means to love Him with all you are because everything else comes from the heart. But what does this look like in my life now?...
I am not trusting God with all of my heart. And this is in defiance of a commandment, yes. But more importantly, it causes a garbled message. I have been loving God with my mind and soul and strength, but my heart was left out of the equation. It is the reason I can run through the motions. But without the heart, it is nothing because everything must flow from the heart. Not the other way around. Without it, we are but "clanging drums" because we are to glorify God and reflect back God to Himself, not ourselves.
So to trust God with my heart...
To trust Him with my fears. My anxiety. My joy. My desires. My plans. My creativity. My gift for connecting to people.
I have given into the seemingly elementary lies that we all seem to think we move past and become immune to. But we are not immune! GAR! What lies!! The lies that we think we have covered when we hit a certain point in our depth with God. "What are you talking about? I can do it this. I've got it in the bag. I know how to trust Christ." It's amazing, really, what an intricate and cunning and smart ability Satan has to deceive us if we are not continually reliant on the grace of God.
I was striving. Not trusting.
Good intentions are not enough. Only the sacrifice of Christ allows me into the connection that I desire and need for life. That connection is my life source--my air supply. It is what I must have to survive. I am fully dependent on it for survival, but sometimes I stubbornly hold my breath, believing that my lungs will produce air -oxygen and nitrogen- on their own. It is a silly thought, isn't it?
My Jesus, I am sorry. I was wrong. Restore to me a clean heart and do not tun your face from me any longer. Like the sun rising and shedding light on the tree branches, from the top to the bottom, renew me. Transform me into your beauty.
I stand with the trees, and I wait for noon.
I Stand with the Trees
I woke up at six this morning.
The realities of last night still with me, I opened my Bible, desperate for anything that could possibly bring hope. I opened to Ephesians 3:17 and read "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
I mourned for the days that I knew and felt that fullness of the love of God--the love that I didn't understand and was so happy in that mystery, despite my desire to understand everything. But the question popped into my head: What does it mean to be rooted and established in love?
And then I remembered the words from someone who cares greatly for me last night..."There must be some unconfessed sin causing this gap."
Truth.
But what was it?
So I got up and took a walk. The morning was cold and felt appropriate to what I was feeling inside. As I walked, I listened to the words of artists who put their feelings and passion into words and musical notes, and I let them wash over me. My brokenness revealed itself. I seemed to blend into the ugliness of the brown, dead-like trees around me, with pieces of themselves strewn about and surrounded by their fallen counterparts. I kept walking, and the sun began to glimmer over the horizon. The color of the radiant, warm light made the trees seem even more the color of a bleak and benumbed inner tomb.
And then I looked up.
The uppermost tips of the branches were taking on a glowing hue. The sunlight was coming to reconcile the trees to their true color. The darkness had only given a distorted image of what they really were. The upward slope of the branches stretched themselves toward the light that was beginning to cast itself. I watched for what must have been fifteen minutes, the whole time a desire growing in me to be like those lucky scepters that sparkled like jewels had been embedded in them. I wanted the light to touch me. I wanted to shine in my truest color, too.
I climbed a rock to get higher. The sun, once devising where it would deposit its light upon was now hurling and scattering it on everything. The light hit the tip of my head and I felt its warmth start to seep and drain. I planted my feet on that rock, lifted my eyes, and waited to be transformed.
And there I stood with the trees.
The realities of last night still with me, I opened my Bible, desperate for anything that could possibly bring hope. I opened to Ephesians 3:17 and read "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
I mourned for the days that I knew and felt that fullness of the love of God--the love that I didn't understand and was so happy in that mystery, despite my desire to understand everything. But the question popped into my head: What does it mean to be rooted and established in love?
And then I remembered the words from someone who cares greatly for me last night..."There must be some unconfessed sin causing this gap."
Truth.
But what was it?
So I got up and took a walk. The morning was cold and felt appropriate to what I was feeling inside. As I walked, I listened to the words of artists who put their feelings and passion into words and musical notes, and I let them wash over me. My brokenness revealed itself. I seemed to blend into the ugliness of the brown, dead-like trees around me, with pieces of themselves strewn about and surrounded by their fallen counterparts. I kept walking, and the sun began to glimmer over the horizon. The color of the radiant, warm light made the trees seem even more the color of a bleak and benumbed inner tomb.
And then I looked up.
The uppermost tips of the branches were taking on a glowing hue. The sunlight was coming to reconcile the trees to their true color. The darkness had only given a distorted image of what they really were. The upward slope of the branches stretched themselves toward the light that was beginning to cast itself. I watched for what must have been fifteen minutes, the whole time a desire growing in me to be like those lucky scepters that sparkled like jewels had been embedded in them. I wanted the light to touch me. I wanted to shine in my truest color, too.
I climbed a rock to get higher. The sun, once devising where it would deposit its light upon was now hurling and scattering it on everything. The light hit the tip of my head and I felt its warmth start to seep and drain. I planted my feet on that rock, lifted my eyes, and waited to be transformed.
And there I stood with the trees.
The Depth of Dissension
It has been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write. I could go on with a list of how busy it has been (It has.) and how much I have wanted to write (I have.). But it would be futile in the contrast of the reality that I have simply felt dried up with no ambition or inspiration to be able to even write words on a page. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone (What?!) and I have simply become a lazy ball of complacency.
And yet, this was not what I wanted. Often, I would sit down alone and try to contemplate what was happening to me. There were times when it literally felt like I could not breath...as if my air supply was cut off from the source. It has affected relationships. It has affected work ethic. It has permeated me. Or maybe I have permeated who I am to be with Him who created me.
Over the last week, since I got back from New Orleans, I have had the chance to actually realize the depth of the dissension that has been occurring at the core of who I am.
This weekend, during Pulse--my favorite weekend at Blackhawk that pulls together artists for the sake of learning what it means for the artist to serve God and the Church, emphasizing our call and vocation in regards to this--all I could realize was how disconnected I was, how little inspiration I had and how much that is affecting me at my core. The move to New Orleans has been sucking a lot of time from me, with all of the little details that need to take place. I am simply too busy.
But at Pulse, I began to realize how far, after all of the business, I was from true restoration and redemption. The reality of who I am without Christ began to set in. The chasm became clear as I stood in the back during communion, not even able to go up to the first few rows and sit with everyone else during worship. All of my striving...all of my trying...everything I had tried to do had pushed me further from the goal and the reality of that was evident.
But what to do about it? Anger. Frustration. Defensiveness. Blame...On everyone but myself.
And then, last night, I broke. In the darkness of my bedroom, I quite literally cried out. I pounded my fists on my bed. I mourned my inability to make my strivings work. And I reconciled myself to the knowledge that I can't do it.
And so, I sat. And sobbed. And was left unanswered and unhopeful and fell asleep with the knowledge that I was further than I had been from my sweet Savior that I quite possibly had ever been. (I am beginning to think that the more knowledge that we gain of Christ, the further we can be separated from Him if we allow our hearts to do it.)
And yet, this was not what I wanted. Often, I would sit down alone and try to contemplate what was happening to me. There were times when it literally felt like I could not breath...as if my air supply was cut off from the source. It has affected relationships. It has affected work ethic. It has permeated me. Or maybe I have permeated who I am to be with Him who created me.
Over the last week, since I got back from New Orleans, I have had the chance to actually realize the depth of the dissension that has been occurring at the core of who I am.
This weekend, during Pulse--my favorite weekend at Blackhawk that pulls together artists for the sake of learning what it means for the artist to serve God and the Church, emphasizing our call and vocation in regards to this--all I could realize was how disconnected I was, how little inspiration I had and how much that is affecting me at my core. The move to New Orleans has been sucking a lot of time from me, with all of the little details that need to take place. I am simply too busy.
But at Pulse, I began to realize how far, after all of the business, I was from true restoration and redemption. The reality of who I am without Christ began to set in. The chasm became clear as I stood in the back during communion, not even able to go up to the first few rows and sit with everyone else during worship. All of my striving...all of my trying...everything I had tried to do had pushed me further from the goal and the reality of that was evident.
But what to do about it? Anger. Frustration. Defensiveness. Blame...On everyone but myself.
And then, last night, I broke. In the darkness of my bedroom, I quite literally cried out. I pounded my fists on my bed. I mourned my inability to make my strivings work. And I reconciled myself to the knowledge that I can't do it.
And so, I sat. And sobbed. And was left unanswered and unhopeful and fell asleep with the knowledge that I was further than I had been from my sweet Savior that I quite possibly had ever been. (I am beginning to think that the more knowledge that we gain of Christ, the further we can be separated from Him if we allow our hearts to do it.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)