Stranded

I've been sitting with a blank screen for the last 15 minutes here, so I just decided to start writing about that.  I have been stuck in a writer's block for the last 2 weeks or so and I can't figure out how to get out of it.  But Andy sent me something today that just talked about how you should keep creating, even if it's not quality, so quantity, here I come.

I spent the day sailing with Brian, Lindsay, Rick, Monica and Delaina yesterday.  We weren't going to go, but at the last minute, I thought there was enough wind, and sure enough, there was plenty.  So much so, in fact, that on the other side of the lake, one of our lines snapped and we had to jimmy rig it to get it back.  But we made it and had a good time.  Lindsay is moving up to Minnesota on Saturday, so that kind of sucks for us here.  I'm going to miss her like crazy.  But I guess that means I'll have one more person up there to justify the trips up there.  Slowly, as people start to drift in and out of Madison, I'm realizing more and more that I need to keep moving.  This time of life is not the time when my friend pool will be steady, which I guess eliminates the possibility of stagnant relationships.

I just feel like I'm in a constant state of adjusting.  Everything feels relative.  Measurements are fleeting because the point at which you being to measure is never accurate.  

Most of me really hopes that life evens out after a while, but part of me is afraid for that.  We all know how non-committal I actually am.  

I've also hit a little dry spot with God.  I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with the fact that for 2 months, I haven't really been serving anywhere.  And that is where I saw God and where I grew and developed the most.  So I guess, I'm looking forward to students to come back so that I have a place to serve again.  Or maybe I've actually hit a road block here.

But the only way to combat that is to just fight against it...

Settling into 24

So yesterday, I turned 24.  

All in all, it was a good day.  I went to go see Dark Knight with Kelly, David and Ben, played a horribly hot frisbee game in which the girls had to go savage the whole time, showered up, went to the Dane to share some food and pitchers and then went off to see Shoeless Revolution with Andy and Palma.  

Other stuff has been going on.  I don't think that I can really articulate it on here so I'm not going to try.  But as soon as I can update with something more thrilling to read, I will do so.  

Until then, thanks for the birthday wishes.  I love you all :)

a curiosity?

Does every guy have a girl that no other girl will ever live up to?  

I think this may very well be the most frustrating thing that I have come to realize about guys.  Sure, girls may not have it all together.  But guys, it's time to let go of the idealistic girls that you have up on pedestals.  Sooner or later, they're going to fall off.

The paradox of every ideal is that there must be a dismissal of the ideal in order to achieve the "ideal."

Brewers, beer, burgers, and boys

I had the day off today and I was so glad to have it.  I woke up, cleaned the part of the house I was responsible for, got ready, ran some errands, came home and worked on some writing stuff for a while and then rested for a bit.  After that, Pete, Dave, and Grant came over for some burgers, beer and Brewers.  Dave was going to help me transfer some stuff onto my new computer, but just like always, we failed to get it done.   While the day was very productive, I feel like it was a slightly wasted day.  Which is interesting because on Monday, after I got off work, I literally sat around and read for 8 hours before going for a run and then to a bbq with my friend Brent.  Oddly enough, that day felt like I accomplished more than I did today.  I'm not really sure what the deal is with that.  But either way, today was a nice respite from the emotion that has been taking me over the last week.  

I think a couple of things popped into my head today as I was running around trying to avoid my thoughts, though.  When I signed up for this whole believing in God thing and giving my life up to what He's doing, I signed up for everything: the good the bad and especially the things I don't understand.  But it seems that when push comes to shove, the things that I don't understand are a little more difficult to figure out than what I expected.  And when I say 'figure out,' I don't really mean understand, but more simply (or with more difficulty) I mean trying to discover a means to continue on in the world knowing what you know now;  To adjust and to adapt to the knowledge that increases with each thing that is pulled into question.  And the more interesting thing is that the knowledge isn't necessarily bad knowledge, but very often, an understanding about something good.  How do you reconcile the world, which makes me sick sometimes, to the knowledge that you gain?

How do you come to a place where it's ok to see the good in a horrible situation?  It's innate to not allow yourself to do that.

The other thing that I was thinking on today was pretty selfish compared to the other thing, so I don't really think i'll think about it again right now.  Perhaps tomorrow when I'm not so crazy-brained, I will allow myself to think more about it.  

tomatoes, basil, mozzarella

Today was a decompression day.  I felt like I finally stopped trying to grab onto the fire hose that life was last week and simply turned off the water instead.  

I started thinking through some big things in the last couple of days in dealing with what I have been writing lately.  Mr. C recommended that I sit down and see if I could find a pattern in any of it and I have.  And I think I have found some semblance of organization too.  But we'll see what happens when I finally start laying it out on Friday, as tomorrow is taken up by a trip to Green Bay to stand next to some friends that recently lost their father.  (That right there is another huge thing that has me thinking...)

But tonight, I rested my brain.  I got home from work after going to the Red Cross to donate blood, which they didn't take because they couldn't find my appointment and weren't actually open at the time.  Weird.  But I have O- blood so they are always calling me.  Anyway, after that, I sat around for a bit, which was followed by a run.  Roommates came home and I got to hang out with them for a bit, but the better part of the night by far was the time spent wandering our yard and neighborhood.  One of my favorite things to do in the summer has always been sauntering around a yard.  This usually was my parents yard, but we actually have a smaller one this year and I have some plants growing around the house, so I watered them and checked to make sure the bunnies weren't getting them.  

There is something about a yard in the twilight of a summer evening--especially a cooler one like tonight is.  It just seems to erupt in character.  And the colors are always somehow more vibrant without direct like on them.  

This then lead to quick shower and a stroll around the neighborhood.  Amy came with me for the first bit of it, but I went off on my own after I dropped her off.  You see, I have a really funny habit of picking other people's flowers.  Now, sure, this might be considered stealing, but I like to think of it is them sharing the beauty that they have the ability to plant since they own their houses.  So I will usually pick one flower from every big patch of flowers that I find and this way, no one really notices.  Well, the bouquet that I got to night was absolutely stunning and incredibly fragrant.  I'll post a picture later.

I should really go to bed, as we have a long day tomorrow.  And I am also pretty sure this will be the last of my "not fairly intense" thoughts for a bit.  I realize these posts haven't contained much for content as of late.  But I've got a feeling that's all about to change again.

blue mailboxes

So I was having a bit of dry spell in every way possible last week and probably before that, but I hadn't really noticed.

But due to some tragic circumstances, I have somehow had a wellspring open up from within me and thoughts are coming out in an organized fashion.  So much so that I think this whole blog will look a lot different starting tomorrow...that is, if I can find the time to write tomorrow.  But I will.  Because I have to. 

Because this has now become a part of who I am.  (Not the blog..but writing.)  Or maybe it hasn't become a part of me, but rather has always been a part of me.

I think the latter is the more likely answer.

Damage Control

Today was one of those days where you pick up the pieces of your week after it has been ravaged.  It was like a twister ripped through this week and scattered debris and farm animals everywhere.  To make a long story short, my mouth wrote a lot of checks this week that my butt couldn't cash.  And now I'm picking up the pieces and tentatively stepping around people to test the waters of their attitudes towards me.

So.  Things learned this week:

1. Think before you speak.  

2. Double think everything that you just thought before you speak.

3. Get more sleep so I can maintain emotional stability.

4. Don't procrastinate 2 huge life-altering steps of a process toward a goal that fall in the same week.

5. If you think you should go home, you should probably just follow that gut instinct and go home.

6. Don't take things so personally, even if they are personal.

7. Take time to write.  The little experiment of testing out how I function if I don't write for a week really didn't do me any good.

8. Learn to take advice with sincerity. 

9. Wait it out.  Patience is a virtue for a reason, and impulse usually leads to a tasty foot in the mouth.

10. Swallow the pride.  It's good for you and full of fiber.

Oh man

This really was a great weekend.

Friday, I took a drive out to Waukesha to Jen and Eric's new house to celebrate my mom's birthday.  Jen cooked a phenomenal dinner and then we all went downtown Waukesha because there's live music and goodness that happens on Friday nights there.  We found 2 of the bands and then got distracted by the coffee shop on the corner.  

Saturday, I woke up and went sailing.  I was able to get my next rating, allowing me to get trained on the rest of the boats.  (I've got another lesson tomorrow and will hopefully come out of it with a rating)  After that, I came home and hung out on my own for a bit and then Jon and I made dinner while putting together a playlist for the Jumptown dance.  We hit up the Jumptown dance and I remembered how much I really like dancing with him.  We just have fun together doing it because we can read each other pretty well after a year and a half of dancing together.  After that, we walked around State Street, as it was a beautiful night and grabbed some food at the new calzone place that is also a little bit creepy due to the sexual innuendoes that are everywhere, which is just weird.  But we got a good laugh out of it and had a pretty great discussion that got me thinking about a ton of stuff.

I then hit up the Irish Pub with Chris and Eric, where I owned 3 games of Cutthroat.  Awww yeah.

Today, I was supposed to have another sailing lesson, but it was cancelled due to too much wind.  Yes...I realize that sounds a little odd, but learning to sail in high winds is just scary.  So I jumped on my bike, made it home, jumped in the shower and then got out to church where the service was just awesome.  I think it was my favorite service that I've ever been to there.  It was on worship and what it means.  

Hannah, Will, Hannah's brother Dan, and I grabbed lunch at Frieda's after church and checked out Art Fair On The Square all afternoon and then I went back to Blackhawk to work on internship stuff, during which, I ran into Brent and we decided to go grab some coffee afterward.

Then I came home and Heidi was still up so we sat and hung out for a while.  

The best weekends for me are the ones where I get good quality time with people and I got a ton of that this weekend, as well as simply having fun. :)

Tomorrow, I write and get my internship letters out.  Productivity!

I will have a more content filled post after that.  :P

You Want Whatever's Not in Front of You...

I got out sailing on my own for the first time of the season.  

After a bit of panic due to not having gone out with my own rigging all year, I finally shoved off and got out on the water.  And it was amazing.  There's something about being out in the middle of the lake...no one else in the boat with you...no sound of a motor....hardly even the sound of the sail if I'm doing it right.  It's beautifully lonely.  This isn't something I'd say about a lot of things.  There aren't many things that I find beautiful that I also find lonely, being the extrovert that I am.  

I'm getting antsy.  I think I need to do something about some things...

Lastly

I am in love with Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung.