Ok. I am about to rant about something that could potentially get me into a lot of trouble, but I really want some feedback on it, so here it goes.
So relationships are tough. We meet people, we like people, we date people, and we inevitable break up or get married. Right?
So there is a view out there (and this may carry over for guys in specific ways, but I'm not sure, so for the sake of argument, I'm going to stick with the feminine view) that we deserve this and that out of a guy. I am thoroughly bothered by this view. When did we gain such entitlement?
There is so much wrong with this view! I can't even stand it sometimes. I've succumbed to this so many times and I'm fairly certain that it has created what people now call "Peter Pan syndrome" which is basically that men don't want to grow up and become men, along with all of the responsibility that it carries.
The idea that I deserve someone who will be good to me, love me, desire me, etc. is one that flirts with a dangerous line.
It sets girls up with the idea that there is a "perfect" guy out there for you. This idea is trite and inaccurate.
And it sets guys up for failure. The day that they don't do a good job loving me or being good to me, they fail.
I'm not saying that we should up and be with guys that are awful to us. This is not at all what I am saying. There is a small but HUGE difference, though, in saying the previous area of entitlement and saying "I deserve someone who is right for me." This we, as all people, do deserve if we chose to go the marriage route.
Saying that someone doesn't live up to your standards puts a label on them that doesn't neccessarily hold true for the next girl. Maybe the next girl brings out different characteristics in him that are better for her, innately creating in him the ability to be the right one for her.
Not to mention, the idea that we deserve this can carry over into our attitudes toward grace. We deserve nothing that we are given. It all flows from the source of all good things. And not just good things...but good things that are right for us.
I realize this last paragraph is a little vague but I'm not sure I feel like delving into the correlation's right now. Maybe I'll come back to it later.
Ok, feel free to rip me a new one now if I am wrong on this.
6 comments:
I'm going to think on this for a while. Two initial thoughts from one read-through:
1. You are totally and utterly right that we do NOT "deserve" someone.
2. However, I don't think feeling you deserve someone and being selective about who you marry are the same thing at all, or should even be used in the same context.
I do believe in the fairytale. Not the one in storybooks, but the one in the Bible. The one about having grace for the people you love.
One thing that irritates me...if I can rant a little...is that girls always expect a fairytale like the storybooks when they themselves have no grace in them for husband/boyfriend. You don't have to lower your expectations...but you have to have grace with people when they don't meet those expectations.
God doesn't ever lower his expectations of us (less than perfect is not what my God says to me) but he has full grace when we don't meet those expectations. Believe the best...most people really are just trying to do it right.
I think you're right on target. Jesus Christ himself came to serve, not to be served, and if that is the attitude he had, how much more should that be our attitude! As someone else commented, that does not mean just marrying anyone.
Adam did not deserve Eve. God gave Eve to him because he needed her -- "It is not good for the man to be alone." As his helper, she represented God-who-is-our-help.
I do not deserve anyone, but rather need the help of God. A spouse is a gift from God, given to help us reach heaven. As such, I ought to be wise in selecting a spouse, and look for someone who will be such a help, because I need all the help I can get.
The important corollary to that is that, by God's grace, I am to be that same help to my spouse.
well i'm glad it wasn't outlandish.
thanks for the feedback guys. i was thinking i might be crazy. :P
No, I think that you were still pretty much on. And it's cool that you are that honest. I appreciate it. Obviously, this is all theory for me, as I'm not married. :)
I am with Sarah on this one.
A spouse is a gift to us, as is every other blessing in our lives. I believe the fairytale exists, but it's not written by Universal Studios. It is written by God. God's fairytale for one person can look very much not like they expect and will vary immensely to the next person's experience. That is what is so great about our Author. He loves us all so much, we all have our own story. How boring would it be otherwise?
Second, you cannot place high standards on other people. The fairytale has to be carried out by God, not your significant other. People will always always always let you down. That is why there is the constantly stressed theme in the Bible of ONLY needing God. I used to think all the time, "What do I want my 'husband' to be like? Is this guy I'm dating who I need him to be?" Until one day someone said to me, "are you the girl that the guy you are dating needs YOU to be?" Ohhh. . . different way to see the story. Women do need a man who will be captivated by them, who will love them and make them feel beautiful. . .BUT. . men also need a woman who will respect him and let him lead. Both men and women will fail at this over and over again. That is why it ultimately comes back to God and grace again and again.
But yes, the fairytale is there. . And yes, it can even be like the Hollywood story, but that cannot be what is expected. But people also need to have hope. It cant' be this sad "realistic" view of life. The view that when you see a happy movie you think, "yeah well too bad life ain't like that anyways." The best part is that it can be. God can do anything He wants to including the telltale story. All I am saying is that because of sin, the fairytale takes work =) And the fairytale cannot be dependent on the man. It requires the work and grace of both people. You then find out that your Fairytale is the work of God in your lives much more than it is a cute story.
I used to think that I needed to make a list of qualities and such that I wanted in a guy so that when the guy came along, I'd know it cause he'd match up to my list. Then I found a guy who matched these things, and started dating him - only problem, I didn't actually like him! That brought me to an important realization - most any formula will fail you in life. That's because if you rely on a formula, you're not allowing your brain to work for you, which is its job.
How this relates: Having the "formula" for your fairy tale wrecks the actual fairy tale. One of the greatest gifts God gives is not letting us in on what he's doing in our lives until he's already done it. So if we're always looking for it and trying everything we can to make it happen in our way, we may be screwing with the one he's already started working in our lives.
As far as needing someone you "deserve", I think that kind of attitude of entitlement will not only screw with your existing relationship, but it will also make you most unattractive to other people. Who goes out to find someone who will stick them under the microscope for "deserving" qualities before giving them a real chance to get to know them and - dare I say - have fun in the process.
I think overall, having a less judgmental eye goes a long way in dating. If you're looking for marriage, you'll be able to see the things you need or things you can't live with in that person as the relationship progresses naturally. I think if one tries to figure out if their significant other is the best they can do, Id' say they are either ready to break up and looking for a reason, or over analyzing themselves out of a good thing.
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