The Most Important Thing

It's been a while. Life has been overwhelming. And it is my fault that it has been overwhelming.

I am a words person. And when I can't find words, I get all mentally constipated. But we all know that constipation eventually leads to one massive explosion...

(Ew.)

We've been going through a sermon series at Blackhawk called Resurrection Now. It has been challenging and growth producing and I've loved it but, like most growth, it has made me encounter pain also.

In the midst of all of this--A completion of an internship, The planning of a move to New Orleans, The packing up of a life-- I have discovered a deep, dark problem within myself...


I have a complete and utter lack of trust in the One who created me.

This is humbling and sad all at the same time. How could I have gone this long and never known this? Thank God for the work of the Holy Spirit who makes us aware to these things.

I have pain in my past that debilitates me. It has become abundantly clear that this is the case over the course of the last 8 months. But the fact of the matter is that everyone has pain in their past that debilitates them. I am no different from the next person. The difference that exists between me and the next person is that my faith is in Christ who takes away that pain...but not only takes away that pain! In that weakness, He is made stronger! What kind of God takes all of the ugliness of who I am and turns it into beauty? A good, faithful and loving God...that is who.
In 2 Corinthians, Paul speaks of a thorn in his flesh--a messenger from Satan to torment him. And he speaks of the 3 times that he asks for it to be taken from him. But the Lord says to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And then Paul says the most incredible thing: "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
What kind of logic is this?! When Kate first pointed out this chapter for me to read today, my mind was reeling trying to understand it. But again, once I stepped back and looked at it from a peripheral view, the image began to come together a little bit.
I am not supposed to have it all together. It's ok. In fact, it's the best thing that can happen. --as long as I can learn and rest in the fact that it is in that weakness of mine that Christ can do His work. His grace, through the work that Jesus did on the cross by defeating death and sin, is sufficient. And not only is it sufficient, but it is everything. It can sustain us.

And because of that--because our lives can be different because of Jesus--I will boast in my inability to let people in fully. I will boast in the fact that I am emotional. I will boast in the fact that I have had my heart ripped out and broken. Because in those things, with dependance on Christ, the one who makes weakness perfect, mysteriously through the work of the Holy Spirit working in my life, I am made strong. My complete lack of ability to do any of these things are the places in my life where Christ can shine through. People know that I can't trust and that I am emotional. And if I begin to let people in and use my emotions in a productive manner, to who else COULD the credit go other than the only One who has the ability to change that? Glory to Him!

...which is what it's all about anyway, right?

Lord, help me to embrace my thorns. To use evil for your glory through your work on the cross. Let it be tangible in the way I live and love, affecting all those around me. Help me to live with reckless abandonment. Be glorified in my life, God, because you have the ability to change the mess that I am.