It's been a while. Life has been overwhelming. And it is my fault that it has been overwhelming.
I am a words person. And when I can't find words, I get all mentally constipated. But we all know that constipation eventually leads to one massive explosion...
(Ew.)
We've been going through a sermon series at Blackhawk called Resurrection Now. It has been challenging and growth producing and I've loved it but, like most growth, it has made me encounter pain also.
In the midst of all of this--A completion of an internship, The planning of a move to New Orleans, The packing up of a life-- I have discovered a deep, dark problem within myself...
I have a complete and utter lack of trust in the One who created me.
This is humbling and sad all at the same time. How could I have gone this long and never known this? Thank God for the work of the Holy Spirit who makes us aware to these things.
I have pain in my past that debilitates me. It has become abundantly clear that this is the case over the course of the last 8 months. But the fact of the matter is that everyone has pain in their past that debilitates them. I am no different from the next person. The difference that exists between me and the next person is that my faith is in Christ who takes away that pain...but not only takes away that pain! In that weakness, He is made stronger! What kind of God takes all of the ugliness of who I am and turns it into beauty? A good, faithful and loving God...that is who.
In 2 Corinthians, Paul speaks of a thorn in his flesh--a messenger from Satan to torment him. And he speaks of the 3 times that he asks for it to be taken from him. But the Lord says to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And then Paul says the most incredible thing: "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
What kind of logic is this?! When Kate first pointed out this chapter for me to read today, my mind was reeling trying to understand it. But again, once I stepped back and looked at it from a peripheral view, the image began to come together a little bit.
I am not supposed to have it all together. It's ok. In fact, it's the best thing that can happen. --as long as I can learn and rest in the fact that it is in that weakness of mine that Christ can do His work. His grace, through the work that Jesus did on the cross by defeating death and sin, is sufficient. And not only is it sufficient, but it is everything. It can sustain us.
And because of that--because our lives can be different because of Jesus--I will boast in my inability to let people in fully. I will boast in the fact that I am emotional. I will boast in the fact that I have had my heart ripped out and broken. Because in those things, with dependance on Christ, the one who makes weakness perfect, mysteriously through the work of the Holy Spirit working in my life, I am made strong. My complete lack of ability to do any of these things are the places in my life where Christ can shine through. People know that I can't trust and that I am emotional. And if I begin to let people in and use my emotions in a productive manner, to who else COULD the credit go other than the only One who has the ability to change that? Glory to Him!
...which is what it's all about anyway, right?
Lord, help me to embrace my thorns. To use evil for your glory through your work on the cross. Let it be tangible in the way I live and love, affecting all those around me. Help me to live with reckless abandonment. Be glorified in my life, God, because you have the ability to change the mess that I am.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
direction
so in order to make sense of this...
the 3 posts below this one were written in consecutive order, but on here, they appear in reverse. so start with the bottom post from 3/30 and work your way up.
no more confusion. :P
the 3 posts below this one were written in consecutive order, but on here, they appear in reverse. so start with the bottom post from 3/30 and work your way up.
no more confusion. :P
Waiting for Noon
A long time ago, I wrote about the "beauty of ugliness," and that has stuck with me ever since. I see it everywhere now. A few days ago, I wrote this on a post-it note:
"The beauty of ugliness directly plays into the Gospel and God's response to us when we mess up. His response is not anger but to devise a plan to reconcile us to Himself. 2nd Samuel and Romans 5."
So the obvious gap that I had been experience was no doubt some unconfessed sin in my heart. But what? I had a gut instinct that it had something to do with my lack of trust lately, but was a lack of trust really a sin? It seemed pretty fundamental and something that I should have understood by now, but let's be real. I didn't know.
So I googled "sin" and "trust."
I clicked on the first website that I came across. It was helpful and brought me back to the verse(s) that I have been stumbling on all year.
Mark 12:29-31
Jesus said the Commandments are summed up in this: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.
Somehow I missed it the whole time. I have spent so much time concentrated on the second that I have forgotten about the more important one. There is not a second without a the first. Oh how blind I am.
So I spent the next 2 hours looking up every verse in the Bible that mentions the word "heart." I know... But I was desperate. I really wanted to break down the Greatest Commandment. It seemed pretty important.
545 verses later, this is what I discovered... (And I have scripture to back it all up.)
The heart is evil from childhood. The heart can be hardened on purpose by God or by our own doing. The heart can be discouraged. The heart remembers. The heart can be proud and forget. The heart can despair. The heart should be circumcised in order to love God fully and live. The Word is written on it. It can rejoice. God has a heart. The heart can change. It can be wicked and conceited. Terror can fill it. It has desires. It can discern. It can be joyful and glad. It can have integrity and wisdom. It can turn from God. If we follow it and keep His commands, we will always do right in His eyes. It can respond. It can seek. It can be tested. It can be sad or faithful. It can hide sin. Your heart can be one with someone else's.
Ok. A ton of cool things learned came out of this. But basically, the heart is everything. It is the connection between you and God. But at the same time, the heart is deceitful. I drew a couple of diagrams to help me. I'll see if i can do them on here.
God
(His heart)
I
I
My heart
I
I
Who I Am (My heart, soul, and strength)
So God has a heart. (1 Sam 2:35) And it connects directly to my heart. He speaks to us through our hearts. His Word is written on our hearts. And His Word is exactly that...His words to us. He speaks to us.
So my heart then is the source that connects to God. And that feeds into all the rest of me.
My soul: Who I am at the core. I am an artist, a thinker, a questioner, a student, a teacher, a troublemaker and a peacemaker.
My mind: My thoughts and the processing that happens.
My strength: What I am capable of. What I am good at. My gifts, talents and ambitions.
So basically, my heart is everything. But at the same time, it is deceitful. So somehow, we must trust God in order to get past ourselves so that we can have that direct and close connection. Let's break that picture down a little more, shall we?
God -----> Heart (With sin) /\/\/\/\/\-> Me
God -----> Heart (confessed sin) -----> Me
Again, a poor picture, but it does the job in my head. It's the same pathway, but sin distorts the message so that it either doesn't get through at all or it gets through garbled. And that message is vital. Purify the heart to remove the barrier.
Ok. But we're still basically at Square 1 here.
What does it all mean? It means to love Him with all you are because everything else comes from the heart. But what does this look like in my life now?...
I am not trusting God with all of my heart. And this is in defiance of a commandment, yes. But more importantly, it causes a garbled message. I have been loving God with my mind and soul and strength, but my heart was left out of the equation. It is the reason I can run through the motions. But without the heart, it is nothing because everything must flow from the heart. Not the other way around. Without it, we are but "clanging drums" because we are to glorify God and reflect back God to Himself, not ourselves.
So to trust God with my heart...
To trust Him with my fears. My anxiety. My joy. My desires. My plans. My creativity. My gift for connecting to people.
I have given into the seemingly elementary lies that we all seem to think we move past and become immune to. But we are not immune! GAR! What lies!! The lies that we think we have covered when we hit a certain point in our depth with God. "What are you talking about? I can do it this. I've got it in the bag. I know how to trust Christ." It's amazing, really, what an intricate and cunning and smart ability Satan has to deceive us if we are not continually reliant on the grace of God.
I was striving. Not trusting.
Good intentions are not enough. Only the sacrifice of Christ allows me into the connection that I desire and need for life. That connection is my life source--my air supply. It is what I must have to survive. I am fully dependent on it for survival, but sometimes I stubbornly hold my breath, believing that my lungs will produce air -oxygen and nitrogen- on their own. It is a silly thought, isn't it?
My Jesus, I am sorry. I was wrong. Restore to me a clean heart and do not tun your face from me any longer. Like the sun rising and shedding light on the tree branches, from the top to the bottom, renew me. Transform me into your beauty.
I stand with the trees, and I wait for noon.
"The beauty of ugliness directly plays into the Gospel and God's response to us when we mess up. His response is not anger but to devise a plan to reconcile us to Himself. 2nd Samuel and Romans 5."
So the obvious gap that I had been experience was no doubt some unconfessed sin in my heart. But what? I had a gut instinct that it had something to do with my lack of trust lately, but was a lack of trust really a sin? It seemed pretty fundamental and something that I should have understood by now, but let's be real. I didn't know.
So I googled "sin" and "trust."
I clicked on the first website that I came across. It was helpful and brought me back to the verse(s) that I have been stumbling on all year.
Mark 12:29-31
Jesus said the Commandments are summed up in this: Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.
Somehow I missed it the whole time. I have spent so much time concentrated on the second that I have forgotten about the more important one. There is not a second without a the first. Oh how blind I am.
So I spent the next 2 hours looking up every verse in the Bible that mentions the word "heart." I know... But I was desperate. I really wanted to break down the Greatest Commandment. It seemed pretty important.
545 verses later, this is what I discovered... (And I have scripture to back it all up.)
The heart is evil from childhood. The heart can be hardened on purpose by God or by our own doing. The heart can be discouraged. The heart remembers. The heart can be proud and forget. The heart can despair. The heart should be circumcised in order to love God fully and live. The Word is written on it. It can rejoice. God has a heart. The heart can change. It can be wicked and conceited. Terror can fill it. It has desires. It can discern. It can be joyful and glad. It can have integrity and wisdom. It can turn from God. If we follow it and keep His commands, we will always do right in His eyes. It can respond. It can seek. It can be tested. It can be sad or faithful. It can hide sin. Your heart can be one with someone else's.
Ok. A ton of cool things learned came out of this. But basically, the heart is everything. It is the connection between you and God. But at the same time, the heart is deceitful. I drew a couple of diagrams to help me. I'll see if i can do them on here.
God
(His heart)
I
I
My heart
I
I
Who I Am (My heart, soul, and strength)
So God has a heart. (1 Sam 2:35) And it connects directly to my heart. He speaks to us through our hearts. His Word is written on our hearts. And His Word is exactly that...His words to us. He speaks to us.
So my heart then is the source that connects to God. And that feeds into all the rest of me.
My soul: Who I am at the core. I am an artist, a thinker, a questioner, a student, a teacher, a troublemaker and a peacemaker.
My mind: My thoughts and the processing that happens.
My strength: What I am capable of. What I am good at. My gifts, talents and ambitions.
So basically, my heart is everything. But at the same time, it is deceitful. So somehow, we must trust God in order to get past ourselves so that we can have that direct and close connection. Let's break that picture down a little more, shall we?
God -----> Heart (With sin) /\/\/\/\/\-> Me
God -----> Heart (confessed sin) -----> Me
Again, a poor picture, but it does the job in my head. It's the same pathway, but sin distorts the message so that it either doesn't get through at all or it gets through garbled. And that message is vital. Purify the heart to remove the barrier.
Ok. But we're still basically at Square 1 here.
What does it all mean? It means to love Him with all you are because everything else comes from the heart. But what does this look like in my life now?...
I am not trusting God with all of my heart. And this is in defiance of a commandment, yes. But more importantly, it causes a garbled message. I have been loving God with my mind and soul and strength, but my heart was left out of the equation. It is the reason I can run through the motions. But without the heart, it is nothing because everything must flow from the heart. Not the other way around. Without it, we are but "clanging drums" because we are to glorify God and reflect back God to Himself, not ourselves.
So to trust God with my heart...
To trust Him with my fears. My anxiety. My joy. My desires. My plans. My creativity. My gift for connecting to people.
I have given into the seemingly elementary lies that we all seem to think we move past and become immune to. But we are not immune! GAR! What lies!! The lies that we think we have covered when we hit a certain point in our depth with God. "What are you talking about? I can do it this. I've got it in the bag. I know how to trust Christ." It's amazing, really, what an intricate and cunning and smart ability Satan has to deceive us if we are not continually reliant on the grace of God.
I was striving. Not trusting.
Good intentions are not enough. Only the sacrifice of Christ allows me into the connection that I desire and need for life. That connection is my life source--my air supply. It is what I must have to survive. I am fully dependent on it for survival, but sometimes I stubbornly hold my breath, believing that my lungs will produce air -oxygen and nitrogen- on their own. It is a silly thought, isn't it?
My Jesus, I am sorry. I was wrong. Restore to me a clean heart and do not tun your face from me any longer. Like the sun rising and shedding light on the tree branches, from the top to the bottom, renew me. Transform me into your beauty.
I stand with the trees, and I wait for noon.
I Stand with the Trees
I woke up at six this morning.
The realities of last night still with me, I opened my Bible, desperate for anything that could possibly bring hope. I opened to Ephesians 3:17 and read "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
I mourned for the days that I knew and felt that fullness of the love of God--the love that I didn't understand and was so happy in that mystery, despite my desire to understand everything. But the question popped into my head: What does it mean to be rooted and established in love?
And then I remembered the words from someone who cares greatly for me last night..."There must be some unconfessed sin causing this gap."
Truth.
But what was it?
So I got up and took a walk. The morning was cold and felt appropriate to what I was feeling inside. As I walked, I listened to the words of artists who put their feelings and passion into words and musical notes, and I let them wash over me. My brokenness revealed itself. I seemed to blend into the ugliness of the brown, dead-like trees around me, with pieces of themselves strewn about and surrounded by their fallen counterparts. I kept walking, and the sun began to glimmer over the horizon. The color of the radiant, warm light made the trees seem even more the color of a bleak and benumbed inner tomb.
And then I looked up.
The uppermost tips of the branches were taking on a glowing hue. The sunlight was coming to reconcile the trees to their true color. The darkness had only given a distorted image of what they really were. The upward slope of the branches stretched themselves toward the light that was beginning to cast itself. I watched for what must have been fifteen minutes, the whole time a desire growing in me to be like those lucky scepters that sparkled like jewels had been embedded in them. I wanted the light to touch me. I wanted to shine in my truest color, too.
I climbed a rock to get higher. The sun, once devising where it would deposit its light upon was now hurling and scattering it on everything. The light hit the tip of my head and I felt its warmth start to seep and drain. I planted my feet on that rock, lifted my eyes, and waited to be transformed.
And there I stood with the trees.
The realities of last night still with me, I opened my Bible, desperate for anything that could possibly bring hope. I opened to Ephesians 3:17 and read "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
I mourned for the days that I knew and felt that fullness of the love of God--the love that I didn't understand and was so happy in that mystery, despite my desire to understand everything. But the question popped into my head: What does it mean to be rooted and established in love?
And then I remembered the words from someone who cares greatly for me last night..."There must be some unconfessed sin causing this gap."
Truth.
But what was it?
So I got up and took a walk. The morning was cold and felt appropriate to what I was feeling inside. As I walked, I listened to the words of artists who put their feelings and passion into words and musical notes, and I let them wash over me. My brokenness revealed itself. I seemed to blend into the ugliness of the brown, dead-like trees around me, with pieces of themselves strewn about and surrounded by their fallen counterparts. I kept walking, and the sun began to glimmer over the horizon. The color of the radiant, warm light made the trees seem even more the color of a bleak and benumbed inner tomb.
And then I looked up.
The uppermost tips of the branches were taking on a glowing hue. The sunlight was coming to reconcile the trees to their true color. The darkness had only given a distorted image of what they really were. The upward slope of the branches stretched themselves toward the light that was beginning to cast itself. I watched for what must have been fifteen minutes, the whole time a desire growing in me to be like those lucky scepters that sparkled like jewels had been embedded in them. I wanted the light to touch me. I wanted to shine in my truest color, too.
I climbed a rock to get higher. The sun, once devising where it would deposit its light upon was now hurling and scattering it on everything. The light hit the tip of my head and I felt its warmth start to seep and drain. I planted my feet on that rock, lifted my eyes, and waited to be transformed.
And there I stood with the trees.
The Depth of Dissension
It has been a long time since I've been able to sit down and write. I could go on with a list of how busy it has been (It has.) and how much I have wanted to write (I have.). But it would be futile in the contrast of the reality that I have simply felt dried up with no ambition or inspiration to be able to even write words on a page. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone (What?!) and I have simply become a lazy ball of complacency.
And yet, this was not what I wanted. Often, I would sit down alone and try to contemplate what was happening to me. There were times when it literally felt like I could not breath...as if my air supply was cut off from the source. It has affected relationships. It has affected work ethic. It has permeated me. Or maybe I have permeated who I am to be with Him who created me.
Over the last week, since I got back from New Orleans, I have had the chance to actually realize the depth of the dissension that has been occurring at the core of who I am.
This weekend, during Pulse--my favorite weekend at Blackhawk that pulls together artists for the sake of learning what it means for the artist to serve God and the Church, emphasizing our call and vocation in regards to this--all I could realize was how disconnected I was, how little inspiration I had and how much that is affecting me at my core. The move to New Orleans has been sucking a lot of time from me, with all of the little details that need to take place. I am simply too busy.
But at Pulse, I began to realize how far, after all of the business, I was from true restoration and redemption. The reality of who I am without Christ began to set in. The chasm became clear as I stood in the back during communion, not even able to go up to the first few rows and sit with everyone else during worship. All of my striving...all of my trying...everything I had tried to do had pushed me further from the goal and the reality of that was evident.
But what to do about it? Anger. Frustration. Defensiveness. Blame...On everyone but myself.
And then, last night, I broke. In the darkness of my bedroom, I quite literally cried out. I pounded my fists on my bed. I mourned my inability to make my strivings work. And I reconciled myself to the knowledge that I can't do it.
And so, I sat. And sobbed. And was left unanswered and unhopeful and fell asleep with the knowledge that I was further than I had been from my sweet Savior that I quite possibly had ever been. (I am beginning to think that the more knowledge that we gain of Christ, the further we can be separated from Him if we allow our hearts to do it.)
And yet, this was not what I wanted. Often, I would sit down alone and try to contemplate what was happening to me. There were times when it literally felt like I could not breath...as if my air supply was cut off from the source. It has affected relationships. It has affected work ethic. It has permeated me. Or maybe I have permeated who I am to be with Him who created me.
Over the last week, since I got back from New Orleans, I have had the chance to actually realize the depth of the dissension that has been occurring at the core of who I am.
This weekend, during Pulse--my favorite weekend at Blackhawk that pulls together artists for the sake of learning what it means for the artist to serve God and the Church, emphasizing our call and vocation in regards to this--all I could realize was how disconnected I was, how little inspiration I had and how much that is affecting me at my core. The move to New Orleans has been sucking a lot of time from me, with all of the little details that need to take place. I am simply too busy.
But at Pulse, I began to realize how far, after all of the business, I was from true restoration and redemption. The reality of who I am without Christ began to set in. The chasm became clear as I stood in the back during communion, not even able to go up to the first few rows and sit with everyone else during worship. All of my striving...all of my trying...everything I had tried to do had pushed me further from the goal and the reality of that was evident.
But what to do about it? Anger. Frustration. Defensiveness. Blame...On everyone but myself.
And then, last night, I broke. In the darkness of my bedroom, I quite literally cried out. I pounded my fists on my bed. I mourned my inability to make my strivings work. And I reconciled myself to the knowledge that I can't do it.
And so, I sat. And sobbed. And was left unanswered and unhopeful and fell asleep with the knowledge that I was further than I had been from my sweet Savior that I quite possibly had ever been. (I am beginning to think that the more knowledge that we gain of Christ, the further we can be separated from Him if we allow our hearts to do it.)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
holy changes, batman!
Welp! I'm feeling pretty exhausted, but I wanted to update quick.
I got back from my first New Orleans trip. I leave for the second one in 3 days.
The interview was phenomenal. To all those who were praying: It was obvious. I absolutely knew that you were all praying and saw the power of that in several very real and tangible ways. I feel really confident about the interview. We will know within 2 weeks whether I got it or not. I will keep you all informed. Above all else, though, I learned about the goodness of God this weekend and how incredibly faithful He is. I saw example after example of His hand in situations.
The experience of being in New Orleans in general was amazing too. Great people. Great city. So much to do though. I am feeling more and more of a draw to the city and my passion to go down and just pour myself into it is getting stronger. I am excited for the move.
Other things have now also emerged that are rather exciting, but I'll wait to really say much about all of that.
:)
To bed now!
I got back from my first New Orleans trip. I leave for the second one in 3 days.
The interview was phenomenal. To all those who were praying: It was obvious. I absolutely knew that you were all praying and saw the power of that in several very real and tangible ways. I feel really confident about the interview. We will know within 2 weeks whether I got it or not. I will keep you all informed. Above all else, though, I learned about the goodness of God this weekend and how incredibly faithful He is. I saw example after example of His hand in situations.
The experience of being in New Orleans in general was amazing too. Great people. Great city. So much to do though. I am feeling more and more of a draw to the city and my passion to go down and just pour myself into it is getting stronger. I am excited for the move.
Other things have now also emerged that are rather exciting, but I'll wait to really say much about all of that.
:)
To bed now!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
quick update
Ok. It's been a while but I've been seriously out of the writing loop. Things have gotten unbelievably crazy around here.
I got an interview with TeachNOLA down in New Orleans, so I will be flying down in 11 days...and then 4 days after that, turning around to drive down to lead the CAM trip with 40 college students in tow. :) Should be amazing.
Alas, with all of the stress, I've been freaking out. But God is incredibly faithful and has placed amazing people in my life that support me and pour into me when I need it.
Today started out awful, but as I am nearing the end of the day, I realize that I'm so blessed. I love my friends and family more than they will ever know.
And I will miss them with a great pain when I am far far away.
...But I am also excited for the crazy things that they will be doing for the sake of the Gospel.
I love you guys.
I got an interview with TeachNOLA down in New Orleans, so I will be flying down in 11 days...and then 4 days after that, turning around to drive down to lead the CAM trip with 40 college students in tow. :) Should be amazing.
Alas, with all of the stress, I've been freaking out. But God is incredibly faithful and has placed amazing people in my life that support me and pour into me when I need it.
Today started out awful, but as I am nearing the end of the day, I realize that I'm so blessed. I love my friends and family more than they will ever know.
And I will miss them with a great pain when I am far far away.
...But I am also excited for the crazy things that they will be doing for the sake of the Gospel.
I love you guys.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Redemption and Slush
Today was beautiful.
February 10th and we hit a high of 60 degrees outside. This is almost unheard of in Wisconsin.
I took advantage of the opportunity to be outside without freezing. After work at Blackhawk, I took a walk in the arboretum. It couldn't be too intense, as I was in moccasins and had no time to change clothing. (I was in between afternoon activities.) This was actually a blessing.
I drove into the arboretum the furthest that I could go. Grabbed my keys and my ipod and left everything else in the car. I knew that I needed to spend some time with God with no distractions.
It has been an intense week or so. I feel like I did almost 3 years ago when I was on the spring break trip during which I truly learned to abandon what I thought was best for my life in exchange for the plan that God had for me. There is this unquenchable knowledge happening within the deepest part of me that knows there is something I need to let go of before God can do His next work in me.
I wrote a bit ago about the imagery I've been getting with the little girl and the broken vase. This has grown to be more detailed as time has progressed.
The Blackhawk Staff retreat happened last week. There was 2.5 hours set aside the first afternoon for us to spend some time with God. I spent a good portion of it hiking around the land of the camp that we were at out in western Wisconsin, along the cliffs and through the untouched snow. I could feel that I wanted to connect with God but was butting my head against a wall. I pegged it as the fact that it was time that was set aside for me to do this rather than me setting it aside and moved on with the retreat. However, that night, we had an intense time of worship, confession and communion. I was left with this knowledge that I do not know how to forgive. This grand concept that is a cornerstone in the faith I profess is a concept that I do not get. I hide behind the hurts of my past, turning them into what seems like strength, all the while terrified that someone will dig deep enough to realize what I know:
I don't know how to forgive.
I am, in fact, that little girl. I am the girl, who in her own carelessness, knocked the priceless vase off of the table and shattered it. I tried to hide the pieces for a while. But I know full well that the only person who can fix it is the one who created it to begin with. And now I have to, with the admittance that I was wrong to be so careless, give back the broken pieces. And so I present it. And I cry and say that I'm sorry and that I was wrong. And I am comforted and told that it's ok. It can be put back together... but it won't look exactly the same. And I mourn those cracks that will never be smoothed out. That I will look at 15 years from now and say "I wish I would have been more careful with that. Imagine what it would be if I had been."
When I was walking, I was pondering this. I was praying about it. I was mourning the cracks that are now in my heart, despite the ability for Him to put it back together.
It was as if even Creation was mourning with me. The grove of beautiful green fir trees had one tree growing in the midst of it that was dead and ugly...and yet somewhat beautiful. It was a beautiful day, with what you could tell was a warm breeze. But every time a breeze hit me, it was chilly. The snow cooled the southerly breezes so that by the time they reached me, they were cold. It was trying to get me, but was slowed down and inhibited. It hit the brick wall that I had been hitting for weeks.
I eventually got back to my car and pulled out my journal. I let the words from 1 John 1:9 speak to me. "If we confess, He is faithful to forgive us and purify us."
And it just poured out from me. The snow melted into slush and water. The breezes blew warm as I sat there in the car with my windows down and myself heart begging for restoration.
And as that snow turned to slush and turned to water, redemption happened.
February 10th and we hit a high of 60 degrees outside. This is almost unheard of in Wisconsin.
I took advantage of the opportunity to be outside without freezing. After work at Blackhawk, I took a walk in the arboretum. It couldn't be too intense, as I was in moccasins and had no time to change clothing. (I was in between afternoon activities.) This was actually a blessing.
I drove into the arboretum the furthest that I could go. Grabbed my keys and my ipod and left everything else in the car. I knew that I needed to spend some time with God with no distractions.
It has been an intense week or so. I feel like I did almost 3 years ago when I was on the spring break trip during which I truly learned to abandon what I thought was best for my life in exchange for the plan that God had for me. There is this unquenchable knowledge happening within the deepest part of me that knows there is something I need to let go of before God can do His next work in me.
I wrote a bit ago about the imagery I've been getting with the little girl and the broken vase. This has grown to be more detailed as time has progressed.
The Blackhawk Staff retreat happened last week. There was 2.5 hours set aside the first afternoon for us to spend some time with God. I spent a good portion of it hiking around the land of the camp that we were at out in western Wisconsin, along the cliffs and through the untouched snow. I could feel that I wanted to connect with God but was butting my head against a wall. I pegged it as the fact that it was time that was set aside for me to do this rather than me setting it aside and moved on with the retreat. However, that night, we had an intense time of worship, confession and communion. I was left with this knowledge that I do not know how to forgive. This grand concept that is a cornerstone in the faith I profess is a concept that I do not get. I hide behind the hurts of my past, turning them into what seems like strength, all the while terrified that someone will dig deep enough to realize what I know:
I don't know how to forgive.
I am, in fact, that little girl. I am the girl, who in her own carelessness, knocked the priceless vase off of the table and shattered it. I tried to hide the pieces for a while. But I know full well that the only person who can fix it is the one who created it to begin with. And now I have to, with the admittance that I was wrong to be so careless, give back the broken pieces. And so I present it. And I cry and say that I'm sorry and that I was wrong. And I am comforted and told that it's ok. It can be put back together... but it won't look exactly the same. And I mourn those cracks that will never be smoothed out. That I will look at 15 years from now and say "I wish I would have been more careful with that. Imagine what it would be if I had been."
When I was walking, I was pondering this. I was praying about it. I was mourning the cracks that are now in my heart, despite the ability for Him to put it back together.
It was as if even Creation was mourning with me. The grove of beautiful green fir trees had one tree growing in the midst of it that was dead and ugly...and yet somewhat beautiful. It was a beautiful day, with what you could tell was a warm breeze. But every time a breeze hit me, it was chilly. The snow cooled the southerly breezes so that by the time they reached me, they were cold. It was trying to get me, but was slowed down and inhibited. It hit the brick wall that I had been hitting for weeks.
I eventually got back to my car and pulled out my journal. I let the words from 1 John 1:9 speak to me. "If we confess, He is faithful to forgive us and purify us."
And it just poured out from me. The snow melted into slush and water. The breezes blew warm as I sat there in the car with my windows down and myself heart begging for restoration.
And as that snow turned to slush and turned to water, redemption happened.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Cleaning out the Closet
It has come to my realization that God is doing some serious cleaning of my rhetorical closet these days. It is good. It is healthy. And like all things that are good and healthy for growth, it is also painful. You prune the bush to allow it to grow more, right?
Recently, I've been playing an ugly game of wack-a-mole with experiences and hurts in my past. One by one, they are being drudged to the surface and one by one, I'm having to recognize, analyze, and legitimize (which has, coincidentally or not, lead to a lot of exercise too. ---hey! it's a near rhyme. I was close.)
So this involves seeing that these things in the closet exist, analyzing the effect and causes of them and then dealing with them in the present and all of the things that it has affected. This has lead to a lot of freedom with some things but a lot more of a nauseated feeling within my stomach.
A lot of it, being the girl that I am, has to do with histories with guys. Friends...past boyfriends...past almost-boyfriends... You name it: If he could grow a five o'clock shadow, I'm dealing with it now.
I am realizing that forgiveness is something that I have to chose to do on a regular basis until it becomes a lifestyle. But that lifestyle looks differently for every situation, so right now, it's just way too much thinking and I am a bit overwhelmed with it. I have one good success story, so there is actually a standard to set the others against.
I am learning the significance of that ever-present but ever-foreign concept of "guarding your heart." What the crap does this even mean, right? Well. I now have an answer for you. Without even realizing it at points, I was able to give away little chunks of my heart here and there...Without even a knowledge that I was doing it or an ability to stop it. I was told to guard my heart, but not ever given specific avenues on how to do that. And because of this, I am now having to pick up the pieces of a badly beaten heart. Now I have to present those pieces to the One who created my heart in the first place, like a little girl who has just broken her mom's precious vase, so that it can be pieced back together.
And the more daunting aspect that I am now faced with is this question:
Am I willing to rest in the pains of my past benefiting another woman?
Ouch, right? There is no black and white with this one. It's another grey area. On one side, there is the beauty that he is a better man because of what he learned in the painful circumstances with you. On the other side, your heart got broken.
And yet, in that question, I find that I feel incredibly close to Jesus. The pain of my heart benefits someone who might not even have a knowledge that it happened or that this is why things are the way they are. It is simply an innate circumstance to them.
There is freedom in that for me.
Recently, I've been playing an ugly game of wack-a-mole with experiences and hurts in my past. One by one, they are being drudged to the surface and one by one, I'm having to recognize, analyze, and legitimize (which has, coincidentally or not, lead to a lot of exercise too. ---hey! it's a near rhyme. I was close.)
So this involves seeing that these things in the closet exist, analyzing the effect and causes of them and then dealing with them in the present and all of the things that it has affected. This has lead to a lot of freedom with some things but a lot more of a nauseated feeling within my stomach.
A lot of it, being the girl that I am, has to do with histories with guys. Friends...past boyfriends...past almost-boyfriends... You name it: If he could grow a five o'clock shadow, I'm dealing with it now.
I am realizing that forgiveness is something that I have to chose to do on a regular basis until it becomes a lifestyle. But that lifestyle looks differently for every situation, so right now, it's just way too much thinking and I am a bit overwhelmed with it. I have one good success story, so there is actually a standard to set the others against.
I am learning the significance of that ever-present but ever-foreign concept of "guarding your heart." What the crap does this even mean, right? Well. I now have an answer for you. Without even realizing it at points, I was able to give away little chunks of my heart here and there...Without even a knowledge that I was doing it or an ability to stop it. I was told to guard my heart, but not ever given specific avenues on how to do that. And because of this, I am now having to pick up the pieces of a badly beaten heart. Now I have to present those pieces to the One who created my heart in the first place, like a little girl who has just broken her mom's precious vase, so that it can be pieced back together.
And the more daunting aspect that I am now faced with is this question:
Am I willing to rest in the pains of my past benefiting another woman?
Ouch, right? There is no black and white with this one. It's another grey area. On one side, there is the beauty that he is a better man because of what he learned in the painful circumstances with you. On the other side, your heart got broken.
And yet, in that question, I find that I feel incredibly close to Jesus. The pain of my heart benefits someone who might not even have a knowledge that it happened or that this is why things are the way they are. It is simply an innate circumstance to them.
There is freedom in that for me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
panic sets in
Alright.
If this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I am going to be an emotional wreck in about 2 more weeks...
Still more affirmation that I should be moving. It just keeps coming. Cool.
Realizing more and more what I'm leaving and the situation I'll be putting myself in:
t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g.
My friends up here are amazing.
My family is amazing.
I could get a job in a non-profit and I'm sure be fat and happy.
But I couldn't.
The risk involved is great. I'm pretty sure I will wake up at least 3 days out of a week wondering why I made the decision. I have no idea what I'm doing as far as teaching is concerned. I am throwing myself into the rhetorical snake pit here. What chance do I have to make it out alive when there are snakes with fangs dripping with venom all around me?
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
I think I am just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. A lot is going on right now. A lot is moving really fast. What is weird is that, usually, I'm the one who dives in head first without looking back. But this time, I am nauseated when I look forward and nauseated when I look back.
Pastor Chris gave a sermon about Hannah and 1 Samuel on Sunday. At first, I didn't get it. I sat through the sermon. I went the rest of Sunday evening and through Monday night pondering what made Hannah so great. Sure, she gave up a son. So what? Plenty of mothers did it throughout Biblical history. So why was Hannah so special?
And then it dawned on me. Hannah was special because having a child was who she was. Samuel was her life. And she gave it to God. With high amounts of pain, I'm sure, but she did it willingly. She gave up who she was for the sake of the Kingdom. And from her willing heart, Samuel grew up, anointed King David, from which came the lineage that lead to Jesus.
No small feat... And apparently that is what God does with a willing heart.
So the question remains:
Am I willing to give up myself and who I am? Am I willing to stick my money where my mouth is?
Good gosh, I hope so.
If this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I am going to be an emotional wreck in about 2 more weeks...
Still more affirmation that I should be moving. It just keeps coming. Cool.
Realizing more and more what I'm leaving and the situation I'll be putting myself in:
t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g.
My friends up here are amazing.
My family is amazing.
I could get a job in a non-profit and I'm sure be fat and happy.
But I couldn't.
The risk involved is great. I'm pretty sure I will wake up at least 3 days out of a week wondering why I made the decision. I have no idea what I'm doing as far as teaching is concerned. I am throwing myself into the rhetorical snake pit here. What chance do I have to make it out alive when there are snakes with fangs dripping with venom all around me?
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
I think I am just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. A lot is going on right now. A lot is moving really fast. What is weird is that, usually, I'm the one who dives in head first without looking back. But this time, I am nauseated when I look forward and nauseated when I look back.
Pastor Chris gave a sermon about Hannah and 1 Samuel on Sunday. At first, I didn't get it. I sat through the sermon. I went the rest of Sunday evening and through Monday night pondering what made Hannah so great. Sure, she gave up a son. So what? Plenty of mothers did it throughout Biblical history. So why was Hannah so special?
And then it dawned on me. Hannah was special because having a child was who she was. Samuel was her life. And she gave it to God. With high amounts of pain, I'm sure, but she did it willingly. She gave up who she was for the sake of the Kingdom. And from her willing heart, Samuel grew up, anointed King David, from which came the lineage that lead to Jesus.
No small feat... And apparently that is what God does with a willing heart.
So the question remains:
Am I willing to give up myself and who I am? Am I willing to stick my money where my mouth is?
Good gosh, I hope so.
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