anyway...

I thought I'd go down to the park today and sit and write for a bit, so now I'm camped out on a picnic table in the middle of a very flooded Vilas Park.  In fact, the ground under my feet is full of water and squishes every time I shift a little bit.  The flooding has been amazing.  I was looking at pictures of Burlington and it's like the whole town is under water.  And yet, the rain and storms seems to have brought new life that I've never seen before to the land.  Everything is so lush and a shade of green that I have never quite seen before, but only imagined.  And against the new blue of the sky, the dissonance of the color makes me a little bit emotional every so often.  There was a patch of trees on the way out to the wedding spot that was absolutely the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen.  The shade and sparkle of the waxy leaves against the sunlight took my breath away and if I hadn't been in such a hurry, I would have stopped and laid in the grass for a while beneath their shade.  

(haha...a 12-year-old-or-so kid just fell into the mud next to me as his brother was tackling him.)

Val was absolutely stunning yesterday.  And while that can probably be said about almost every bride, there truly was something impossibly beautiful about her yesterday.  The second I saw her an hour and a half before the wedding, I was driven to tears.  Without over analyzing every emotion involved with yesterday, I think it was a multi-faceted, complex array of emotions.  First of all, the look of pure and absolute joy mixed with the overwhelming nervousness of committing your life to another person (hi. frightening.) brings out that resonance once again that I always seem to find just unbelievable.  Getting to see that was emotional in itself for me.  Obviously, there's the ever-existent question of if I will ever be ready to make that sort of commitment, along with the question of, even if I am, will I ever find anyone willing to make that commitment to me...  But I really don't think that made a huge difference.  

But it was something different.  When I stopped to think about it while I was sitting on top of Tyrol Basin, after having climbed the entire thing barefoot and in a sundress with flowers in my hair to watch the sun go down (I know...typical me, right?), I realized something intriguing.  This beauty that came out in Val was not something that just happened yesterday on the day she wedded Brandon.  It was something that had developed over the course of months...since she and Brandon began their journey of becoming one.  Granted, they dated a shorter amount of time than many couples, but over the course of the last 10 months that they were dating, engaged and married, Val has grown in beauty.  I think that I noticed it many times throughout that period, but just never added them all up until yesterday.  

Brandon has brought out the elegant nature of a girl who, though confident and sure of herself, was not quite comfortable with allowing people to see it until him.  It does not mean that she was not complete until him, but rather that 2 people came together to emphasize the splendid uniqueness of one another.  

Simply put, he brought out an image of beauty in her that already existed.  

I guess this takes me to so many other places of thought...

It would seem that the same situation occurs when people are wedded to Christ.  There is a beauty that evolves and is uncovered from the depths when a person comes to be wedded and deeply committed to our Father.  I have seen it over and over again, especially in the house that I currently live in with anywhere from 6-8 other girls at any given time (not to mention the honorary members!)  They are never as beautiful as when they are drawing nearer to God.  The light in their faces when they ponder his goodness and faithfulness...  The radiance they exhibit when they discover a new attribute that they had never known before...

He brings out that uniqueness that He created in every person when people draw nearer to Him.  He created it and He brings it out when people return to Him.  

So perhaps that is what the beauty of a bride is actually.  It is the look of joy in a woman's face when she has found the man that draws her nearer and leads to her Creator, the one who instilled her with all of the beauty in the world.  

Maybe I'll come back to this...

surreal

so brandon and val are married.  nuts.  they were the first of my close circle of friends now to get married.  4 more couples to go before the end of the year.  val, of course, looked incredible.  :)

it was a pretty crazy day too.  the rain held off, literally, just until the end of the ceremony and then the musicians rushed around trying to take down the sound equipment.  that was fun... but we got everything in on time. 

i'm really sore from dancing and climbing the mountain that is tyrol basin barefoot.  i had to make sure i didn't have tics all over me, but it was completely worth it.  the sunset from up there was just amazing.  

i've got the next few days off here, which sucks, but that will give me time to write and start support stuff for the internship, so that will be good, even though i really would like to be working...

so tired now.  must go to bed.

beyond tired

Today was long.  It wasn't bad or good.  It was just long.  I had my clinical starting at 6:30am and did that until 1:30pm.  I had a bit of time off in there where I got some things done at home and went for a run and then had to go into work at Starbucks from 5:30pm until 10:30pm.  And I'm now lying in bed, willing myself to go to sleep because I need to get up and do it all over again in the morning.  

I haven't worked a 12 hour day since the old Dippin'Dots days, but even then, it never was a full day of work.  A lot of that was drive time.  (Speaking of Dippin'Dots, I hear Mr. Ester invested in a new Dots stand that is shaped like a huge marshmallow and has dots all over it.  Sweet.  What's even better though, is that this stand actually has some sort of protective shelter for the workers held within, which must be great when it rains.  Carolyn and I used to have to stand outside in tornado warnings at the state fair because we couldn't leave the ice cream.  But hey, that was a fun job, so I'm totally not complaining.)  

Tomorrow is the last day of my clinicals.  Cripes, that class went by fast.  I take my final exam on Friday and then just have to pass the state exam and then it's on to finding a job!  I'm seeing quickly that I would fit well in this setting.  Yes, the atmosphere is sterile.  Yes, I have to do some pretty nasty things.  Yes, I want to be outside most of the time that I'm inside.  But I love how many people I get to meet and help every day.  It's invigorating.  

I'll tell some stories tomorrow when I'm not dying because of how tired I am.

Don't worry, I'm taking notes as I go...

Also, I think I'm going to take Andy's advice from a while back and buy myself a tape recorder.  

surprised at survival

today was one of those really long day that ended up being really really great.

-clinical day #2: rocked it.  got to hang out with the coolest older people all day.  the hospital setting is really taking to me.  

-i'm getting better at this popular thing called naps.  2 hours on the couch today while my roommate tapped away on her keyboard.  it was like a lullaby.  i'm not really sure why.  hey!  that rhymed!  

-got to the 6 Pack before the game only to find Leah sitting on the couch.  YAY!

-icy dagger played their first game tonight against the drake hotel and casino.  we were a bit worried going out because we only had 3 girls, which is the minimum before you have to forfeit, but it ended up that they only had 3 too.  playing the whole game was rough and i got really tired, but we did ok and i actually surprised myself with a couple of good offensive and defensive plays.  not too many blunders.  so way to go christine and vanessa.  we busted it out.  :)  oh...good job, too, boys!

-went to the Dane for our 2 free pitchers and beer bread.  mmmmm....

-got home and found out that the Brewers won, too!

all in all...great day :)

p.s.

Note to self (or to those reading who want to get me an early birthday present *wink*)

I want a good thesaurus.  I need to buy one.  Actually, I should really buy myself a good dictionary too.  I love words.  I think I would just sit down and read that.  

Strange?  Probably.  

Nerdy?  Totally.

My idea of an amazing night in?  Absolutely.  Leave me alone. :P

things that make you go "hmmm..."

In an attempt to just write more and create something every day, I've decided to try to start writing some "poetry" again.  I don't know if I'd ever call what spewage comes out of me by that name and assert it so highly, but I figure that it will be a good exercise to just try to compress thoughts in a concise way that still allows for that from-the-depths-of-my-belly emotion.  

It's more of an attempt to actually put some of these thoughts to some sort of use.  What use they will be given is still up in the air.  If nothing else, it will finish off those notebooks that have only been half used.  

Perhaps some day, if I am ever brave, I will put some of it up here.  

Greg is married.  Crazy.  It was a really odd, surreal wedding for me.  I haven't quite pinpointed it yet.  

I'm a bit frustrated with myself currently, but it'll pass I'm sure.  It usually does...

Hasn't felt like home before

Summer is here.  That's the best thing that could have happened.  

I got off work and planned on coming home, going for a quick run and then sitting down to write for a while, but ended up talking to Heidi for a long time (I'll get more into this in a minute).  Finally, I went for a run but ended up just really enjoying it and kept going.  I think I need new shoes, though, because my shins started to get pretty sore a good chunk into it.  But it was during that run that i realized it was summer.  

And now, I'm lying in my hammock.  The winds have finally calmed down a bit.  The boys stopped by earlier on the mini bike they fixed up that hasn't run in 25 years.  I made popcorn, drank wine out of mini bottles and played Rummy with Vanessa and Heidi, both who are missing boyfriends horribly right now and both who are wanting to just sit and listen to sad music all night.  (I love how girly they are when it comes to their boyfriends.  It's so incredibly endearing!)  Every time this time of year comes around, I get that old nostalgic feeling...the feeling that is the same as the way an old out of tune piano sounds.  It's really just gorgeous.  And Dave just freaked me out by knocking on my window, but it was fun opening it up and sitting there talking to him for a bit through it.  I felt like my parents were going to come in and yell at me at any second.  (I'm going to miss living so close to all of those guys next year...) 

I had a pretty crazy big break through today via Heidi.  I wrote a while ago about my friendships and why I didn't seem to have friends that go way back.  And things came together today and I understood why.  

I've heard and understood before that people are drawn to me when we first me...that I have a sort of charisma when I first meet people...that I am confident and full of life.  And then, gradually, as people get close to me, I shut down.  This has happened on numerous occasions and Heidi pointed it out yet again today.  I can actually pinpoint the event now that made this happen.  I knew at the time it was happening that it was big...but I never anticipated that 3 years down the road, after I thought I had buried it, that it would come back and resurface and that I would need to work through it.  But it has and I do.  

It all stems back to a big abandonment issue that happened years ago that involved people that I would have considered best friends at the time and who maliciously did their best to do away with me.  But the problem was, I was roommates with them and so had to live in that situation for just over a year...  That'll do a number on you, I guess.

But what I realized today was that I work the opposite of people.  Most people are shier when they first meet people and it takes a bit, but then they blossom and open up.  I work the opposite.  I'm open and blossomed when we first meet, but as you get to know me better, I shut down.  And the closer you are to me, the worse it is.  And it hit me today.  Classic.  It's because the closer you are to me, the more potential you have to hurt me if I trust you that much.  

But I also realized that the group of friends I am with now, I have been with longer than any group since that incident.  And that they are trustworthy and willing to stay alongside me, even when I'm an ugly person.  Loyalty is something of which I am afraid.

Interesting...I think I might be healing.  And it's also interesting to me that at times, I'd much rather run and hide from that healing.  But it's so good.  Because it means that I get to be that person that I am when I first meet people all the time.  Because that's who I really am.  The me that happens later is not really me.  It's a learned "me." A defensive mechanism made to push people away before they can hurt me.

Wow.  I have issues.  And not even cool issues.  I have the stereotypical lame issues.  That's slightly disappointing.  

Oh well.  

It may be slightly quirky that I am disappointed in my allotment of issues.

running theories

So in a series of conversations this year, I've realized that I've got a butt load of running theories about how the world works.  Some of them have been coming out a bit more recently.  One of them kind of morphed into words last night on the drive home from the Brewers game with Andy.  

For the last 8 months or so, I've been trying to figure out the issue of loving people.  Our lives should reflect 2 things, right: Love God, Love people.  Those are 2 huge-big pieces and I'm really only willing to tackle 1 at a time.  

But in reality, they go hand in hand because if you're doing one, it is a reflection of the other.  Because if you're loving God, then it just flows that you will love people.  It happens.  And if you're loving people...well, it's just not possible without loving God, so that takes care of itself.  But I guess if I'm going to go a bit more into that: If people are made in the image of God, then it follows that if you are loving people, you are loving God too.  Right?  That works.  Logical, I think...

So then I started rambling about what I think love might be.  An act of love--in the most general sense of the word--I think, might be a response to a need.  It's one person's selfish action in response to another's need.  And this follows the greatest example of an act of love that we have to be able to try to follow.  Jesus responded to the need of man to be reconciled with God by a great sacrifice.  So if that is the "greatest act of love," as I have so often heard it referred to, then our example is set.  And it can be generalized even down to the smallest act of love.  

It's pretty cool.  

But beyond that, it was a selfless act.  So, it wasn't go gain glory for Himself, but rather to allow for a means for things to be better for us.  So He made himself less, so we might have a better time of it.  So, with people, it's not even that I need to love them, but that I also need to assert them above myself.  

Rough.  But still cool.

This all seemed much more articulate when I was wandering through ideas with Andy.  But I at least wanted to get it out before I forgot the whole gist of the conversation.  

realized

*Be warned...this is probably going to end up being a fairly typical girl, pessimistic entry*

**Also, know that this is not at all my normal pattern of thinking but it's crappy and cold outside and I'm in the mood to be like this.

What do you do when you realize that you have absolutely been kidding yourself?

I made the mistake once of looking at pictures of the ex of the person in which i was interested.  Have you ever done that? You know that feeling you get when you do that?  The one that makes you realize that you will never be/look like that?  That's kind of what life in general feels like right now.

Doubts are absorbing into my mind like that baseball sank into that woman's rolls at the Brewer's game last night.  (Mean?  Let me be.  I'm cranky.)  As much as I really don't believe it, I feel like I'm not amounting to much right now.  I have a degree from one of the best public schools in America and I'm sitting on it.  I'm not doing anything with it.  I probably never will.  Sure, there's all sorts of things I *could* do with it.  But as of yet, nothing tangible.  

I realize that the second I type this, I'm going to get emails and phone calls saying that I'm ridiculous and that everyone has struggles and trials, but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway: 

Why couldn't I have just been one of those girls that is amazingly talented and smart and beautiful that has it all figured out and that everyone wants to marry and is ok with the idea of being married?  I mean, how many friends do I have right now like this?  And it's true.  They're incredible.  I get nervous when I am around them...that is how incredible they are.

And then there's me: the over-analyzing girl, remotely awkward looking girl who's stuck somewhere between the ages of 13 and 24.  Sure, I've got my moments of wit and intuitiveness, but when it comes down to it, my life is not applicable.  

Sure, I'm having a pity party right now.  Deal with it.  I will sulk in the corner until I am good and done.  

Ok.  I'm done.  I'm going to play frisbee.  

And I'm ridiculous.

 

notes before i crash

i've got a curiosity that won't be quenched.

i just like this.  i'm not sure where it will go--if it will go anywhere.  

there's always a *insert name boy's name here.*

in a conversation with jonathan tonight, he made a passing comment that i misunderstood but that i totally started thinking about, so it's good that i misunderstood.  this will eventually be a rant about relationships, but i'm too tired to go into it now.  

hopefully i'll come back to these tomorrow.