Hasn't felt like home before

Summer is here.  That's the best thing that could have happened.  

I got off work and planned on coming home, going for a quick run and then sitting down to write for a while, but ended up talking to Heidi for a long time (I'll get more into this in a minute).  Finally, I went for a run but ended up just really enjoying it and kept going.  I think I need new shoes, though, because my shins started to get pretty sore a good chunk into it.  But it was during that run that i realized it was summer.  

And now, I'm lying in my hammock.  The winds have finally calmed down a bit.  The boys stopped by earlier on the mini bike they fixed up that hasn't run in 25 years.  I made popcorn, drank wine out of mini bottles and played Rummy with Vanessa and Heidi, both who are missing boyfriends horribly right now and both who are wanting to just sit and listen to sad music all night.  (I love how girly they are when it comes to their boyfriends.  It's so incredibly endearing!)  Every time this time of year comes around, I get that old nostalgic feeling...the feeling that is the same as the way an old out of tune piano sounds.  It's really just gorgeous.  And Dave just freaked me out by knocking on my window, but it was fun opening it up and sitting there talking to him for a bit through it.  I felt like my parents were going to come in and yell at me at any second.  (I'm going to miss living so close to all of those guys next year...) 

I had a pretty crazy big break through today via Heidi.  I wrote a while ago about my friendships and why I didn't seem to have friends that go way back.  And things came together today and I understood why.  

I've heard and understood before that people are drawn to me when we first me...that I have a sort of charisma when I first meet people...that I am confident and full of life.  And then, gradually, as people get close to me, I shut down.  This has happened on numerous occasions and Heidi pointed it out yet again today.  I can actually pinpoint the event now that made this happen.  I knew at the time it was happening that it was big...but I never anticipated that 3 years down the road, after I thought I had buried it, that it would come back and resurface and that I would need to work through it.  But it has and I do.  

It all stems back to a big abandonment issue that happened years ago that involved people that I would have considered best friends at the time and who maliciously did their best to do away with me.  But the problem was, I was roommates with them and so had to live in that situation for just over a year...  That'll do a number on you, I guess.

But what I realized today was that I work the opposite of people.  Most people are shier when they first meet people and it takes a bit, but then they blossom and open up.  I work the opposite.  I'm open and blossomed when we first meet, but as you get to know me better, I shut down.  And the closer you are to me, the worse it is.  And it hit me today.  Classic.  It's because the closer you are to me, the more potential you have to hurt me if I trust you that much.  

But I also realized that the group of friends I am with now, I have been with longer than any group since that incident.  And that they are trustworthy and willing to stay alongside me, even when I'm an ugly person.  Loyalty is something of which I am afraid.

Interesting...I think I might be healing.  And it's also interesting to me that at times, I'd much rather run and hide from that healing.  But it's so good.  Because it means that I get to be that person that I am when I first meet people all the time.  Because that's who I really am.  The me that happens later is not really me.  It's a learned "me." A defensive mechanism made to push people away before they can hurt me.

Wow.  I have issues.  And not even cool issues.  I have the stereotypical lame issues.  That's slightly disappointing.  

Oh well.  

It may be slightly quirky that I am disappointed in my allotment of issues.