Naivety

To begin with, the Brewers are in the playoffs and had their first game today.  They lost, but I have faith that they will redeem themselves tomorrow for game 2 against the Phillies.  

So after a very odd weekend camping in western Wisconsin, I came home with an odd looking rash on my leg that has since developed into several nasty blisters with red streaking, which can really only signify that I got into some poison ivy/oak/sumac/some other stupid weed that has no practical purpose.  One of the blisters looks like a Mike and Ike is stuck to my leg.  The fortunate thing is that it doesn't itch: it just burns.  The problem is, though, that I don't have insurance right now due to the fact that I just switched jobs, so I can't really have a doctor look at it.  But, if it is poison ivy, then it really shouldn't require a doctor, since it will just dry up on it's own hopefully.  Mark (My brother, the PA) will be home in a couple of days and he can look at it then.  Until then, I'm stuck debating whether I should pop the blisters or let them go.  But I definitely have a lot of laundry to do, as I don't know exactly what was contaminated, including the brand new sleeping bag, the sheets I slept in that night, jeans, pjs, socks, Chacos, any clothing that may have come in contact with it... So pretty much anything in my hamper.  Pain in the butt.  Especially with coin operated laundry.

It was dumb on my part to go hiking through the woods, off the trail, in nothing but my Chacos and jeans rolled up.  

That isn't the only area that I have been naive though.  But at least I am learning.  I feel like I may be going through a period of growth right now, which is good, but it's a little disconcerting to know how silly and inexperienced you are.

So due to my blisters, I couldn't run this morning, but I decided to attempt a walk instead because it was a beautiful morning and I wanted to get some amount of exercise.  Because I was walking, I was able to stop and think more.  I miss the long walks to class, especially on beautiful fall mornings like today.  At any rate, I was walking and one thing that I always seem to do when I walk is to pray.  It is just a nice time to reflect and have quiet and I always enjoy it.  

But as I was praying, I realized lately that my prayers have been severely lacking in sentiment or even content lately.  

I have been incredibly hard-hearted recently, which I think has caused a great amount of naivety in me, and therefore, a frustration of other people because I am not teachable.  I realized that my prayers have severely lacked confession, or even a desire to want things that I should confess to be brought to the surface.  After thinking about this a bit more on the walk, I realized that confession used to be much easier for me.  When I was not such a 'moral person,' (please note the amount of sarcasm that you would have heard in my voice if we had been talking face to face) confession used to be much easier to come up with things.  "God forgive me for getting drunk last night and making out with that boy" is much easier than "God forgive me for judging that person because I don't think their way of serving is as good as mine" or even "God forgive me for not being willing to see areas in my life that I need to confess to you."  

It's an interesting thing to realize that you are just like the Pharisee you read about in Mark that morning...  when you figure out that the way you think is wrong... that you are not at all good enough on your own and that you have a constant need to be lead by the one who created you.  

And it's a nauseating thing to know that just when you think you are so good, you are probably at a time when you are the worst.   

On my walk I also thought about the last 4 sermons that I heard at Blackhawk, all on Grace and why we are saved and the reaction in us that this should cause.  (Ephesians 2:4-10)  As I was thinking about it, or rather, as I was thinking about all of the things that I have been thinking about for 4 weeks, and even before that, I was struck with this idea that I had missed it entirely...and that many people may have missed the message entirely.  It is not that we are saved to evangelize people and to "spread the kingdom of God."  We are saved for the reason that is much narrower and cooler than that.  We are saved to show people the love of Christ, and BECAUSE of that, the kingdom of God is shown to those who need to see it.  It is a fine line of distinction.  And if this is also what it takes to know Christ and therefore, to receive eternal life, then the idea that the "path is narrow" takes on an even realer reality.  First, the line must be identified, and then it must be followed.  

And how often am I actually able to make that distinction in my life?

Ouch...

discontentment

I'm not really sure what I'm doing at this point.  

I'm sure I just need time to adjust, but I'm really not sure that I'm going to like this whole switch to Trader Joe's.  Everyone keeps telling me that I'll love it and that I'm fortunate to have it along side of this internship, but I can't help but feel...well...not excited about it.  Everyone keeps asking me how I like it and I feel like I'm constantly putting on a smile and saying "Yes, I like it."  I mean, let's be honest here.  It's a grocery store.  A glorified grocery store.  And I can tell myself all I want that I am happy to have a job that doesn't require much thought processes, but at the end of the day, it just feels like a waste.  

Maybe my brother is finally getting to me.  Maybe I need to give up and just look for some sort of job that pushes me.  But the internship is doing it.  I LOVE this internship.  I want to pursue this internship.  

I really miss having my nights.  I mean, if it's a grocery store, why do they really need me to work nights?  I'm sure there are plenty of other people that work there that love working nights.  I hate it.  I hate 2nd shift.  My life happens right during those hours.  And I'm afraid of them.  I'm afraid to ask off for the 2 concerts that I want to go see coming up.  I am afraid to say that I want Thursday nights back because of a Bible study that I'd love to attend, not to mention, once a month, I have meetings.  

Maybe I'm being selfish?  Starbucks gave me nights off.  At least I had that.  Ugh.  I do not regret the decision to leave though.  Those early mornings were awful.  If I didn't have to worry about insurance, this would be so much easier.  I could just work somewhere fun and cute on Monroe street.  

Well, I have my first night shift tonight.  

I'll let you know how it goes.

Andy Camann played his first solo show last night at the Frequency.  It was a great show.  He's really very talented and passionate about what he does and it's evident and inspiring.  Plus, getting to hear a slew of his songs again was just fun.  The only other time I'd seen that was when we hulled up in his apartment and I begged him to play songs for me.  :P

After that, Eric and I ran to go get some food and watch the Brewer game at the Local Tavern.  Good little place, though ridiculously hot.

On the way to grab food, we were walking and a guy turned around and asked us where we were heading.  We informed him that we were going to grab some food and he gave us tickets and said "Well, you should double back and come check out the show I'm doing at the Majestic with VH1."  So we took the tickets, went to dinner and during dinner realized it was a comedy show.  Christian Finnigan was the headliner comedian and we made it with plenty of time to see him.  I've never gone to see a live comedian, but I have learned that I would so do it again.  He was hilarious and I laughed so hard that Eric thought I wasn't getting air at times.  

Not to mention, any time I get to hang out and laugh with Eric gets chalked up to "nights that I love life more than often."  

Self-awareness is a pain

Do you know that feeling?

The one where you wake up in the middle of the night, knowing you forgot to do something.

The one where you leave your house and as your walking out the door, have the absolutely unquenchable feeling that you are forgetting something...that something just isn't right.

And then, at about 1:42pm, while you're sitting in Olive Garden with the friend you haven't gotten to catch up with in months, it hits you.  

Self-awareness sets in.  You get that knot in your stomach, put down the breadstick and the words that your friend is saying slowly fall into the distance as you figure out that the reason you have felt so oddly for months is now staring at you in your mind's eye, screaming for an explanation.  

It's amazing.  The more I try to learn to be more like Jesus, the more I see how far I am from being like Him.  Times like the self-awareness explosion are the most humbling experiences that I can think of to date.  They are the times when I realize that I have been judging people without intending to, which is even worse than judging people with the intention of judgement.  It means that this act of judgement is innate in me.  It is part of who I am.  There is no escaping it, without help of course...

Grace is a beautiful thing.  I don't always know that people will offer my grace when I wrong them.  But I know one place where I will always find grace and forgiveness.  And hopefully, grace is working in the person that I wronged, too, and rectification takes place.  

The Beauty of Ugliness

This weekend brought out a depth of beauty that I haven't seen in a while.  It was by no means a nice weekend as far as weather was concerned.  It rained a lot and was pretty chilly.  Maybe I am simply emotional because a very good friend got married today.  But I really don't think so.  

Yesterday, I woke up on my day off and it was raining.  Bummer, right?  No way.  I got up, got dressed, and went to the farmer's market, which was lovely in and of itself.  Today, it was cloudy, windy, cold, and still threatening rain, though it wasn't wet just yet.  But the colors of the farm fields have turned to this golden yellow and against the stormy, steel-blue colored sky, the colors stood out and took my breath away.  

Tonight, as it rained on the way home from Becca and Andy's wedding, the raindrops formed this beautiful blur of street lamp light through the soon-to-be fallen leaves on the trees.  I put in a Nickel Creek cd and listened to Pastures New while I went to get some gas and just enjoyed the beauty of something that did not seem to be innately beautiful.  But it was.  

Somethings are strikingly beautiful and everyone knows that they are such.  Becca walking in the back door of the chapel today was a stunning sight.  She was the first bride to ever literally take my breath away.  And the love they have for each other is obvious and evident and beautiful in that.  

But then there are those things that are beautiful that get passed by every day.  

The chocolate color of the ground only takes on when it has been raining for 3 days straight.  

The yellow and browned leaves trickling onto the sidewalk below a series of oak trees.

The unresolved chord at the end of a song played on a fiddle.

The wrinkled and burden-beaten hands of my dad.  

The way in which people choose to love each other in relationships, friendships and romantic alike, despite the ugliness of human nature.  The commitment to love people and show grace will always be the most beautiful and astounding thing in the world to me.  And it is always something that I will strive to be better at because I am saved to do so.  The beyond-beauty of the reconciliation of the world to a God that loves it because people understand the bigger picture that it is not what they are saved from, but rather what they are saved for.  (Thank you, Tim Mackie, for explaining something so concisely that I have been trying to figure out how to say for months.)

Incredible...

Thoughts slowly start trickling back

I simply have just not been making enough time to write and it is sad.  Creative thoughts are something that come naturally, but you have to take the time to stop and look at the world in order to be inspired.  I learned that today.

Today was my first completely unscheduled day in over a month.  I didn't have work.  I didn't have anything to do for the internship.  I didn't have a wedding.  I didn't have a meeting. 

I woke up and it was raining.  I went to the farmer's market in the rain and was overtaken by the loveliness of all of the peppers, apples, melons, carrots and other yummy produce, glimmering in all of their rain-soaked glory.

After that, I headed over to the Madison Museum of Contemporary Art with Amanda.  They've got a wonderful piece up right now.  If you have never seen the art museum, let me tell you first of all that on section of it is entirely walled in by floor to ceiling (3 stories, I blieve?) by glass.  They currently have ribbons of all colors hanging down from the ceiling to the floor, waving in the breezes.  It's really stunning.  And inside the museum, there is a maze of color and you can walk through it and run through it.  It's truly breathtaking.  

I went to see a George Segal exhibit that I've been wanting to see, though.  He is a sculptor, and an amazing one at that.  He really was able to capture the essence of a person in his work.  I know that sounds trite, but really.  He's great and if you are in the Madison area, you NEED to go see this.  I teared up at a couple of the pieces.  And he just has great thoughts to go along with this work.  

"I think that every minute of existence is miraculous and extraordinary." -G.S.

It really comes out in his pieces.  

I have more thoughts to process, but I need to go to bed because I need to be emotionally prepared for Becca's wedding tomorrow.  Joyousness!  :)

Everything I learned, I learned from my roommate's copy of the first season of Grey's Anatomy

Ok.  This may seem a bit odd.  But let me explain.  

Life for the last week or so has been nothing short of insane once again.  But I'm starting to get used to the schedule.  And the schedule alone.  When I think I've got it, I get pushed farther.  My patience and ability to keep an even keel in a stressful situation was tried this past Sunday and I could see myself losing it, but managed to pull through with only a stumble instead of a 'fall flat on my face fest.'  I see how much I can learn from everyone around me, though, and more importantly, I can see how relying on God for everything is just essential.

But moreso, this week, I realized something.  I am currently really considering to avenues for my life: something in the medical field and ministry.  I love the hands on activity of both of them.  Idleness in either one simply does not exist.  While watching an episode of Grey's tonight (ummm...I don't normally actually get into shows, but I was in need of zoning out for a bit) I realized that they are actually similar and this explains why I am drawn to them both.  Upon first glance, you might wonder what in the world I am talking about.  Ministry and nursing??  What could they possibly have in common besides the obvious cliche of the "healing power." (Ew.  I hate cliche metaphors.)  But, after looking at the broader picture of both of them, I figured this out:

Both of them are life encompassing.  They are not black and white.  They are not jobs that you simply leave at work.  They are messy.  

They deal with people, so this is bound to be a fact.  

Apparently, there is something in my nature that takes to this idea of the submersion of my life within a vocation.  

annnnnnnnnd

All of that tantruming has now lead to the overwhelming feeling that I am a silly silly girl.

Sorry for that outburst...

oh cripes

Wow.  I am incredibly emotional and incredibly angry right now.  I know that I am being completely irrational and a total "girl" but for real.  I might be having a panic attack.   

I don't understand people.  I hate being an extrovert.  I hate that people don't understand for a while until they get to know me that I simply like to be around people.  And I'm really sick of having to deal with them being overwhelmed and me feeling like there is something wrong with me because of it.  

Seriously.  What the crap is indeed wrong with me?  I'm to the point where I don't even want to have close friends.  Keeping people at a distance would be much easier for someone like me.  I can feel myself shutting down again.  

This might be incredibly selfish.  This might be incredibly foolish.  

But either way, I'm pissed off about it right now.

Domesti-rae

I had my first little dinner party in our new place tonight.  I had the guys that helped with the move over to say thanks for helping.  I liked having people in the apartment.  Val stopped by before hand and I just hugged her.  I miss her tons, even though she is just across town.  It's amazing: if you're not within blocks of each other in this city, you don't see people.  (Or you have to spend 3 hours cooking a meal to coax people over....)

I love hugs.  I don't think that I receive enough hugs anymore.  So if you're reading this (all 3 of you) and you see me, give me a hug.  I give good hugs back and it will pay out more than you give.  I promise.  

So it's official.  I've got a major case of writer's block.  I could fumble over a piece of beautiful language even if I wanted to.  Everything that I write seems to drip on the countertop like the moldy tomato juice that I had to scrub off the cabinet today.

But I find solace in the fact that other people are still writing magnificent turns of phrases, even when I can't.  For instance, I read this today: 

"We're still picking plenty of late-coming ripe tomatoes out of the garden, both yellow and red.  (I'm still convinced that cupping a hand beneath a plump, vine-ripened tomato in the summer is a particular pleasure that the church must have forgotten to forbid.)  But the golden rod is yellowing, and will soon announce in earnest that ready or not, fall is coming.  You can hear it out there in the night orchestras of insects: Sing like your life depends on it, it won't last forever."  (Linford Detweiler, OTR update letter)

Man, it's just an alluring paragraph.  It makes me want to wander the garden at my parent's house as the sun goes down, which is getting quicker and quicker every day.  There's a reason OTR has been my favorite band for 13 years...

Around this time of year, panic sets in: Those insect sounds that I do hear out my window will shortly be replaced with the snowy silence.  While the silence is beautiful, the favorite by far is the chorus of crickets and breezes meandering past the leaves.

I think I need to find a pen pal.

A lamp, a shoe and an allergy pill walk into a bar...

So yesterday was the (unofficial) last day of summer.  Technically, we still have 19 days left of it, but everyone knows that summer ends after Labor Day.  I'm not sure I'll ever get used to not having a summer vacation anymore.  By this time when you are in school, you're entirely ready to get back into it and for there to be cooler weather and the colors of fall.

I don't regret this summer at all, but it did feel a little bit devoid of any substance.  There were definitely high points.  But I understand the monotony of the working grindstone now.

Every day that I go further into this internship, I love it more.  It has presented me with challenges that I never thought were possible.  

I love these challenges.

I love that I am utilizing actual mental capacity.

I love the team that I work on.

I love that I fall more in love with Jesus because of everything that I am being presented with.

I love that I can't do any of the stuff that they have me doing on my own, and yet I am specifically created and designed to do it with my gifts and passions. (conundrum)

I love the passion and creativity of students and the people I work with.

It is definitely something that I feel like I could do for a long time.  But I am asking questions.  I am struggling.  I am nervous much of the time.  I am tired much of the time.  

I am, however, a little confused at how things are turning out.  By this time, according to my plan (joke, right?) I should have had a nursing assistant job to go along side of this.  But, despite my pretty decent resume, I have not yet found a job.  

The thing I am having a far more difficult time with, though, is the fact that I simply can't seem to find anything to write about.  I would seem that I have writer's block in a most severe way.  I'm not sure what's going on.  Perhaps it is as simple as the fact that I have just not made time for it.  But I can't even seem to find things to want to write about.  Perhaps I just need to take more time to really take in the world around me.  It's never been a problem before.  Then again, I've never worked 60 hour weeks before.  

Fall always makes me acutely aware of my desire to write, so maybe that will be enough to push me along.  But I have not had that overwhelming beauty drown me with it's splendid covering in a long while.  

I guess I'll have to learn to carve out time for that too.