Naivety

To begin with, the Brewers are in the playoffs and had their first game today.  They lost, but I have faith that they will redeem themselves tomorrow for game 2 against the Phillies.  

So after a very odd weekend camping in western Wisconsin, I came home with an odd looking rash on my leg that has since developed into several nasty blisters with red streaking, which can really only signify that I got into some poison ivy/oak/sumac/some other stupid weed that has no practical purpose.  One of the blisters looks like a Mike and Ike is stuck to my leg.  The fortunate thing is that it doesn't itch: it just burns.  The problem is, though, that I don't have insurance right now due to the fact that I just switched jobs, so I can't really have a doctor look at it.  But, if it is poison ivy, then it really shouldn't require a doctor, since it will just dry up on it's own hopefully.  Mark (My brother, the PA) will be home in a couple of days and he can look at it then.  Until then, I'm stuck debating whether I should pop the blisters or let them go.  But I definitely have a lot of laundry to do, as I don't know exactly what was contaminated, including the brand new sleeping bag, the sheets I slept in that night, jeans, pjs, socks, Chacos, any clothing that may have come in contact with it... So pretty much anything in my hamper.  Pain in the butt.  Especially with coin operated laundry.

It was dumb on my part to go hiking through the woods, off the trail, in nothing but my Chacos and jeans rolled up.  

That isn't the only area that I have been naive though.  But at least I am learning.  I feel like I may be going through a period of growth right now, which is good, but it's a little disconcerting to know how silly and inexperienced you are.

So due to my blisters, I couldn't run this morning, but I decided to attempt a walk instead because it was a beautiful morning and I wanted to get some amount of exercise.  Because I was walking, I was able to stop and think more.  I miss the long walks to class, especially on beautiful fall mornings like today.  At any rate, I was walking and one thing that I always seem to do when I walk is to pray.  It is just a nice time to reflect and have quiet and I always enjoy it.  

But as I was praying, I realized lately that my prayers have been severely lacking in sentiment or even content lately.  

I have been incredibly hard-hearted recently, which I think has caused a great amount of naivety in me, and therefore, a frustration of other people because I am not teachable.  I realized that my prayers have severely lacked confession, or even a desire to want things that I should confess to be brought to the surface.  After thinking about this a bit more on the walk, I realized that confession used to be much easier for me.  When I was not such a 'moral person,' (please note the amount of sarcasm that you would have heard in my voice if we had been talking face to face) confession used to be much easier to come up with things.  "God forgive me for getting drunk last night and making out with that boy" is much easier than "God forgive me for judging that person because I don't think their way of serving is as good as mine" or even "God forgive me for not being willing to see areas in my life that I need to confess to you."  

It's an interesting thing to realize that you are just like the Pharisee you read about in Mark that morning...  when you figure out that the way you think is wrong... that you are not at all good enough on your own and that you have a constant need to be lead by the one who created you.  

And it's a nauseating thing to know that just when you think you are so good, you are probably at a time when you are the worst.   

On my walk I also thought about the last 4 sermons that I heard at Blackhawk, all on Grace and why we are saved and the reaction in us that this should cause.  (Ephesians 2:4-10)  As I was thinking about it, or rather, as I was thinking about all of the things that I have been thinking about for 4 weeks, and even before that, I was struck with this idea that I had missed it entirely...and that many people may have missed the message entirely.  It is not that we are saved to evangelize people and to "spread the kingdom of God."  We are saved for the reason that is much narrower and cooler than that.  We are saved to show people the love of Christ, and BECAUSE of that, the kingdom of God is shown to those who need to see it.  It is a fine line of distinction.  And if this is also what it takes to know Christ and therefore, to receive eternal life, then the idea that the "path is narrow" takes on an even realer reality.  First, the line must be identified, and then it must be followed.  

And how often am I actually able to make that distinction in my life?

Ouch...