I went down to the Terrace tonight to hear a little bit of the open mic night and just about half a quarter life crisis. I realized how different life is compared to how it used to be in college and I really started to become nostalgic...but almost sick for it.
After a little bit of analyzation and a quick 20 minute chat with Dave (it's good that he's getting used to hearing me ramble, picking out the meaningful points and elaborating on them now :P ) I have figured out that it was the people in that time period of life that made the difference.
Let me try to elaborate here...
First of all, in college, people who are a bit more free-spirited tend to be found more often. But as you ease out of college, people get 9 to 5's...the SUV...the 2.5 kids...and they lose that freedom. But the fact is, I can never lose that. I will never lose that. There's nothing wrong with being that person. In fact, these people are essential and provide balance to my life and the world. (And from a ministry perspective, they are so important in proving to be "insiders" in ministry and providing resources for those of us who cannot quite fit into that role.) But it is just that it is not in my nature to be that. I will never be that, even though there are times when I wish I could be. My soul would literally die in that situation.
But along with that, people who are that look at me and see that I am different. This has been affirmed so many times, especially recently, that I can't even keep count. I will always be the free-spirited, strawberry-picking, floppy hat-wearing, sit-on-the-front-porch-in-a-rocking-chair-drinking-lemonade Rae that I am. I will write and look at people differently and see metaphors in trees. I will seek out adventures and get stir crazy when I'm stagnant.
This is my nature and who I am. I love who I am. And I love that people find me interesting because of that. I love that that is the reason people like me. (I think...?)
But then there comes this aspect. And this is where this subject could get touchy. Let me just preface this by saying that I LOVE my friends that I have and value them beyond a point that they will never understand. I appreciate the things I have learned because of them and the way that they have stood by me as I have figured anything and everything out about myself. But the fact is, I feel like there are only a very very few who are similar to me in this aspect. And I think that most of my friends would agree with this. There are not many people that I can connect with on this level. Even when I think about the girls that I consider my best friends, they are not like me in this respect.
See, the ones that are like me in this area move away. Because that is in their nature. To seek out new adventures, too. And that is beautiful! But where does it leave us?
My Myers-Briggs personality test revealed that I have the personality type known as "the inspirer." When I heard this, you should have seen the imaginative things that went through my head. And when friends have heart to hearts with me about who I am, this is the general idea behind the conversations. That the way that I am...the ways that I am different...do inspire. This is something that came as a great surprise to me and still does, but when I think about it, I love the idea that I can play this role sometimes.
But it comes with a dilemma:
If people look at me and become inspired or motivated, that's amazing. But where do I get that inspiration from?
It's like having the O Negative blood that I have. It is a universal donor but can only receive from itself.
I need people like myself around me. I need that balance of having the people that aren't like me and the people that really understand and see the world the same way that I do. But the conundrum is that it is not in the nature of people like me to stay put for very long...
So I guess the point of this is that I feel like I really only know a few people at this point in my life who are similar to me in this way and I'm craving more, but I have no place to find them. They were easy to find in college because everyone seems to have some element of this in them in college, plus, universities just seem to be a thriving place for these people. But then they leave...
or they change...
So I am stuck at a stalemate, I guess.
I hope that this didn't come across in a bad way at all. It wasn't meant to by any means, but merely to point out a difference in types of people and the consequences that it can have on the various types.
Again, I LOVE the friends I have. I would be no where without them. But I think they would all agree the things I had to get out here.
4 comments:
Interesting post. If you don't mind, I think I'll leave a few thoughts with you and draw on a slightly different perspective, but one that understands where you are because I've been there.
Incidentally, this year marks the 20th year since my first experience in college. You are not the first to wax nostalgic about your time there. You won't be the last. I believe that most of the people who have had the privilege of attending college have difficulty letting go of that time and taking hold of their future as it's likely to be one of the happiest times of their lives. Like any point in life where friends are easy to find, and where those same friends share common themes, thoughts, and goals in life, it is easy to be happy. In my own life, I can count maybe three such times. The last was ten years ago. All places and all the people I met at at those times will be remembered probably for the rest of my life.
However, college is an entirely different beast. For most, it's a time of mind-shaping, absorption of knowledge, and new experiences. It is a period of testing one's independence. Foremost, it is the time when you start to see the possibilities in your life -- the time when you start to imagine your own mark on time and the lives of those around you. Freedom and imagination become the slop that feeds the idealistic engorgement. Few in college believe that they won't be great or that they won't do great things in their lives. Not surprisingly, very few also have the necessary discipline to struggle to find the way to achieve such great things, and even fewer that make it can do it without conceit. Be wary of the time you think you are the answer to what people need or that you are somehow special, but remember that you are special to those that you love!
I am not sure if I understood what you meant by not ever losing your freedom. Being "free-spirited" cannot be equated to freedom or as something defined to be the opposite of being engaged in family life or managing a strong career. Truthfully, at times, family life *can* be challenging and sometimes it is even smothering. Freedom is the ability to walk away from it at any time. You are fortunate, because there is nothing in this country that will legally impede your freedom to do something like that. However, there are emotional, mental, and ethical bindings that form which typically make this freedom much more difficult to express. But, family life if no different from any other commitment! In all of them, by definition of commitment, you trade some of that so-called freedom by accepting those things that bind you.
Consider this...what meaning will you derive from life without any commitments of any kind? Can you love in the 1-Corinthian-13 way without commitment? Will you be as happy without commitment as you will be with all of your freedom?
I really liked this post & the reply! Both really get you thinking. I was in college in the late 80s. I think back on it with great nostalgia, but if I went back, would it be the way I really remembered? Doubtful. My whole life turned upside down when I accepted Christ in my 20s. The Kari of "then" is NOT the Kari of "now." I long for some aspects of that life, but I also know that I am no longer her & really can't have both.
My life story is filled with God & it's also filled with pain and trials. Sometimes I wish I could have the God without the pain & trials. But, then again, when do I draw closest to Him?...During the pain & trails.
Over time, He has turned me into a mentor. So, now this is a burning passion in my heart. Yet, to follow His call, we had to leave EVERYTHING we knew to move out here. It has now been almost one year since we moved here. Much joy & much sadness in that one year. Much whining from Kari about the way God was directing things. Yet, He waited patiently by my side while I whined. You see, His plan is best. Sometimes I feel oh so lonely & displaced here. Yet, when do I draw closest to Him? Then.:)
I really cannot wait to hang out with you a bit on Wednesday.
hmmm..
Interesting stuff, Robby.
I especially enjoy the reference to freedom and imagination becoming "the slop that feeds the idealistic engorgement." Way to create the vivid picture there... :P Maybe you should have been the writer.
You are right on the difference between being "free-spirited" and having freedom. It is a good distinction to make. But I do think they are still correlated. And currently, I think that I am afraid of the lack of both of them.
It's in that definition of commitment that I remotely start to freak out. Unless there is room in whatever it is for me to maintain some sense of aloofness. For instance, I am deeply committed to this internship that I am about to start (given that I will be able to raise the support for it...), but it allows me to establish my own schedule. It's the same reason why I have continued to work at a coffee shop for so long after graduating.
Or maybe that's not the reason. I think that it's not so much that I am afraid of commitment as I am afraid of committing to the wrong thing. For instance, I haven't committed to a "real job" yet because I am terrified that I will hate it. And in the process of hating it, I will lose the free-spiritedness that I have.
I don't even know...I'm just rambling now, but I feel like somehow, everything is intertwined just below the surface. I'm still digging. I'll figure it out. I often do when I get this feeling. :P
I agree with you that I need some commitments. You're right about the 1 Cor 13 type of love without commitment. But it's got to be commitment to the right things to be truly committed to it and I'm still searching out those "right things."
if there are such things...
Anyway...
love you!
There are few people in the world that are not afraid of commitment...especially of the relationship kind. I suppose that some fear of commitment is justified as there truly are some things to which you can bind yourself without an easy route of escape. Still, I think most cases of commitment phobia are really more about fear of the unknown.
First off, regarding the terms, free-spiritedness and freedom; yes, they are related, but more so in that the latter helps define the former. TFD.com defines a free spirit as "someone who does what they want and does not feel limited by the usual rules of social behaviour." In other words, free-spiritedness is simply a person doing what they want without regret and not feeling bound by their decisions in any way. Freedom, on the other hand, has less to do with how you feel than it does with what you are permitted to do. Finally, freedom always has a price whether you experience making that payment or not. Walking from a marriage is going to result in plenty of freedom for the person doing the walking; can you guess the price that gets paid, and who might be participating in paying that price?
To contrast the two, free-spiritedness can exist within any degree of freedom and vice versa. As an example, think of an impulsive commitment or promise (like an impulsive wedding in Vegas). Another example might be the corporate executive who has devoted an entire life to her craft and career, but wants to retire early at 50.
Regarding making wrong commitments, how would that be possible unless it were immoral? Even a commitment that might bring yourself or others to harm cannot be dismissed straightaway as being wrong. A commitment is a commitment until the day that you walk away from it. And on that day, you may, at last, discover your inner free-spirit, OR you might just be someone who is simply free to make that decision.
Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't make wise decisions. My point is that the things that you seem to be pining over really are on the lesser side of commitment. Jobs, for example, really aren't much of a commitment until you've poured all your energies into a career path. But even then, you can, in most cases, leave your job, and to some extent your career. Besides, what's so terrifying about the possibility of hating a job? I've had plenty of those and simply quit to go to the next one.
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