So my roommate needed to grow a caterpillar into a moth for one of her classes. The caterpillar itself was beautiful: bright teal and huge. I had no idea what it would grow into in just a few short weeks, though while watching Silence of the Lambs on Halloween with Pete, I got a glimpse at it, as they used the same moths for that movie. But it was nothing...i mean NOTHING compared to what this thing would end up being.
She called me into the kitchen as I finished washing my face and brushing my teeth tonight before bed and asked me if I wanted to see something. "Well, sure I want to see something!" ...Only to walk into the kitchen and see the biggest freaking moth staring me in the eye with only a plastic bottle in between myself and it. Bugs do not normally freak me out at all. But the shear size of this thing's legs were enough to make me freeze up with thoughts of it crawling on my skin.
Ew. Even now, I'm grossed out. I really hope she remembers to take that thing into the lab tomorrow.
The meeting last week went well and things are really looking better. I'm headed down a long road to figuring everything out, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, for lack of a better cliche and I'm moving towards it. The rest of my life is in complete disarray, but what's new? At least I'm learning how to handle it all differently.
Service Day is coming up a week from tonight. Our team is doing a great job putting it all together and I'm so glad that I'm learning to delegate because it's entirely less stress for me and so much better for them to be allowed to run with those roles and their own creativity toward an old task.
I'm nervous though. Not for the event really so much as I am for the same reason I get nervous before we have one of these any time: will we hit our target?
Advent Conspiracy at Blackhawk is bringing the target more into people's thoughts. My lifegroup is definitely starting to act on the itch.
But here's the kicker: I am still wondering if I am doing enough? Am I where my passion is? Sure, I love working with college students. And I love leading this team. And I love learning all of the immensely valuable things that I am learning. But where am I going? What am I doing? Am I making the impact that I know I'm capable of doing?
Is medical stuff where I'm headed? I feel more and more disconnected from that every day. The idea of working for a non-profit gets me more and more excited, even despite all of the crap I know I would end up being put through if I did that. Would I feel like I was doing enough if I were to do that--would it be denying my original passion of caring for people both physically and spiritually. Am I passionate enough about becoming more of a leader and about developing leaders?
I've always been a do-er: the one who loves getting dirty in the midst of a mess. Right now, I sort of feel like I'm sitting on the side lines while I watch friends to go to med school...apply and work for Teach for America...move to Africa with the Peace Corp (for goodness sake!)
Am I, by coaching, doing what I was intended to do?
Cripes. How many paragraphs of questions can I possibly write?
1 comment:
I recently decided to start reading a short passage of the Bible immediately before I go to sleep. I try to quickly memorize a paragraph or a few phrases so that I can continue to meditate on the words after I turn out the lights, helping my last thoughts of the day be the Word of God. Last night the passage I focused on was from the end of the first chapter of 1 Corinthians:
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one can boast before him."
Reading your post instantly reminded me of that passage, because I think that we can easily get caught up thinking about serving God in a worldly way, where it isn't very good to do small, seemingly insignificant things. In the kingdom of God, the last shall be first, and the first shall be last, and there is no sideline. You're either on the field, or your not on the team at all.
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