Welp! I'm feeling pretty exhausted, but I wanted to update quick.
I got back from my first New Orleans trip. I leave for the second one in 3 days.
The interview was phenomenal. To all those who were praying: It was obvious. I absolutely knew that you were all praying and saw the power of that in several very real and tangible ways. I feel really confident about the interview. We will know within 2 weeks whether I got it or not. I will keep you all informed. Above all else, though, I learned about the goodness of God this weekend and how incredibly faithful He is. I saw example after example of His hand in situations.
The experience of being in New Orleans in general was amazing too. Great people. Great city. So much to do though. I am feeling more and more of a draw to the city and my passion to go down and just pour myself into it is getting stronger. I am excited for the move.
Other things have now also emerged that are rather exciting, but I'll wait to really say much about all of that.
:)
To bed now!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
quick update
Ok. It's been a while but I've been seriously out of the writing loop. Things have gotten unbelievably crazy around here.
I got an interview with TeachNOLA down in New Orleans, so I will be flying down in 11 days...and then 4 days after that, turning around to drive down to lead the CAM trip with 40 college students in tow. :) Should be amazing.
Alas, with all of the stress, I've been freaking out. But God is incredibly faithful and has placed amazing people in my life that support me and pour into me when I need it.
Today started out awful, but as I am nearing the end of the day, I realize that I'm so blessed. I love my friends and family more than they will ever know.
And I will miss them with a great pain when I am far far away.
...But I am also excited for the crazy things that they will be doing for the sake of the Gospel.
I love you guys.
I got an interview with TeachNOLA down in New Orleans, so I will be flying down in 11 days...and then 4 days after that, turning around to drive down to lead the CAM trip with 40 college students in tow. :) Should be amazing.
Alas, with all of the stress, I've been freaking out. But God is incredibly faithful and has placed amazing people in my life that support me and pour into me when I need it.
Today started out awful, but as I am nearing the end of the day, I realize that I'm so blessed. I love my friends and family more than they will ever know.
And I will miss them with a great pain when I am far far away.
...But I am also excited for the crazy things that they will be doing for the sake of the Gospel.
I love you guys.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Redemption and Slush
Today was beautiful.
February 10th and we hit a high of 60 degrees outside. This is almost unheard of in Wisconsin.
I took advantage of the opportunity to be outside without freezing. After work at Blackhawk, I took a walk in the arboretum. It couldn't be too intense, as I was in moccasins and had no time to change clothing. (I was in between afternoon activities.) This was actually a blessing.
I drove into the arboretum the furthest that I could go. Grabbed my keys and my ipod and left everything else in the car. I knew that I needed to spend some time with God with no distractions.
It has been an intense week or so. I feel like I did almost 3 years ago when I was on the spring break trip during which I truly learned to abandon what I thought was best for my life in exchange for the plan that God had for me. There is this unquenchable knowledge happening within the deepest part of me that knows there is something I need to let go of before God can do His next work in me.
I wrote a bit ago about the imagery I've been getting with the little girl and the broken vase. This has grown to be more detailed as time has progressed.
The Blackhawk Staff retreat happened last week. There was 2.5 hours set aside the first afternoon for us to spend some time with God. I spent a good portion of it hiking around the land of the camp that we were at out in western Wisconsin, along the cliffs and through the untouched snow. I could feel that I wanted to connect with God but was butting my head against a wall. I pegged it as the fact that it was time that was set aside for me to do this rather than me setting it aside and moved on with the retreat. However, that night, we had an intense time of worship, confession and communion. I was left with this knowledge that I do not know how to forgive. This grand concept that is a cornerstone in the faith I profess is a concept that I do not get. I hide behind the hurts of my past, turning them into what seems like strength, all the while terrified that someone will dig deep enough to realize what I know:
I don't know how to forgive.
I am, in fact, that little girl. I am the girl, who in her own carelessness, knocked the priceless vase off of the table and shattered it. I tried to hide the pieces for a while. But I know full well that the only person who can fix it is the one who created it to begin with. And now I have to, with the admittance that I was wrong to be so careless, give back the broken pieces. And so I present it. And I cry and say that I'm sorry and that I was wrong. And I am comforted and told that it's ok. It can be put back together... but it won't look exactly the same. And I mourn those cracks that will never be smoothed out. That I will look at 15 years from now and say "I wish I would have been more careful with that. Imagine what it would be if I had been."
When I was walking, I was pondering this. I was praying about it. I was mourning the cracks that are now in my heart, despite the ability for Him to put it back together.
It was as if even Creation was mourning with me. The grove of beautiful green fir trees had one tree growing in the midst of it that was dead and ugly...and yet somewhat beautiful. It was a beautiful day, with what you could tell was a warm breeze. But every time a breeze hit me, it was chilly. The snow cooled the southerly breezes so that by the time they reached me, they were cold. It was trying to get me, but was slowed down and inhibited. It hit the brick wall that I had been hitting for weeks.
I eventually got back to my car and pulled out my journal. I let the words from 1 John 1:9 speak to me. "If we confess, He is faithful to forgive us and purify us."
And it just poured out from me. The snow melted into slush and water. The breezes blew warm as I sat there in the car with my windows down and myself heart begging for restoration.
And as that snow turned to slush and turned to water, redemption happened.
February 10th and we hit a high of 60 degrees outside. This is almost unheard of in Wisconsin.
I took advantage of the opportunity to be outside without freezing. After work at Blackhawk, I took a walk in the arboretum. It couldn't be too intense, as I was in moccasins and had no time to change clothing. (I was in between afternoon activities.) This was actually a blessing.
I drove into the arboretum the furthest that I could go. Grabbed my keys and my ipod and left everything else in the car. I knew that I needed to spend some time with God with no distractions.
It has been an intense week or so. I feel like I did almost 3 years ago when I was on the spring break trip during which I truly learned to abandon what I thought was best for my life in exchange for the plan that God had for me. There is this unquenchable knowledge happening within the deepest part of me that knows there is something I need to let go of before God can do His next work in me.
I wrote a bit ago about the imagery I've been getting with the little girl and the broken vase. This has grown to be more detailed as time has progressed.
The Blackhawk Staff retreat happened last week. There was 2.5 hours set aside the first afternoon for us to spend some time with God. I spent a good portion of it hiking around the land of the camp that we were at out in western Wisconsin, along the cliffs and through the untouched snow. I could feel that I wanted to connect with God but was butting my head against a wall. I pegged it as the fact that it was time that was set aside for me to do this rather than me setting it aside and moved on with the retreat. However, that night, we had an intense time of worship, confession and communion. I was left with this knowledge that I do not know how to forgive. This grand concept that is a cornerstone in the faith I profess is a concept that I do not get. I hide behind the hurts of my past, turning them into what seems like strength, all the while terrified that someone will dig deep enough to realize what I know:
I don't know how to forgive.
I am, in fact, that little girl. I am the girl, who in her own carelessness, knocked the priceless vase off of the table and shattered it. I tried to hide the pieces for a while. But I know full well that the only person who can fix it is the one who created it to begin with. And now I have to, with the admittance that I was wrong to be so careless, give back the broken pieces. And so I present it. And I cry and say that I'm sorry and that I was wrong. And I am comforted and told that it's ok. It can be put back together... but it won't look exactly the same. And I mourn those cracks that will never be smoothed out. That I will look at 15 years from now and say "I wish I would have been more careful with that. Imagine what it would be if I had been."
When I was walking, I was pondering this. I was praying about it. I was mourning the cracks that are now in my heart, despite the ability for Him to put it back together.
It was as if even Creation was mourning with me. The grove of beautiful green fir trees had one tree growing in the midst of it that was dead and ugly...and yet somewhat beautiful. It was a beautiful day, with what you could tell was a warm breeze. But every time a breeze hit me, it was chilly. The snow cooled the southerly breezes so that by the time they reached me, they were cold. It was trying to get me, but was slowed down and inhibited. It hit the brick wall that I had been hitting for weeks.
I eventually got back to my car and pulled out my journal. I let the words from 1 John 1:9 speak to me. "If we confess, He is faithful to forgive us and purify us."
And it just poured out from me. The snow melted into slush and water. The breezes blew warm as I sat there in the car with my windows down and myself heart begging for restoration.
And as that snow turned to slush and turned to water, redemption happened.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Cleaning out the Closet
It has come to my realization that God is doing some serious cleaning of my rhetorical closet these days. It is good. It is healthy. And like all things that are good and healthy for growth, it is also painful. You prune the bush to allow it to grow more, right?
Recently, I've been playing an ugly game of wack-a-mole with experiences and hurts in my past. One by one, they are being drudged to the surface and one by one, I'm having to recognize, analyze, and legitimize (which has, coincidentally or not, lead to a lot of exercise too. ---hey! it's a near rhyme. I was close.)
So this involves seeing that these things in the closet exist, analyzing the effect and causes of them and then dealing with them in the present and all of the things that it has affected. This has lead to a lot of freedom with some things but a lot more of a nauseated feeling within my stomach.
A lot of it, being the girl that I am, has to do with histories with guys. Friends...past boyfriends...past almost-boyfriends... You name it: If he could grow a five o'clock shadow, I'm dealing with it now.
I am realizing that forgiveness is something that I have to chose to do on a regular basis until it becomes a lifestyle. But that lifestyle looks differently for every situation, so right now, it's just way too much thinking and I am a bit overwhelmed with it. I have one good success story, so there is actually a standard to set the others against.
I am learning the significance of that ever-present but ever-foreign concept of "guarding your heart." What the crap does this even mean, right? Well. I now have an answer for you. Without even realizing it at points, I was able to give away little chunks of my heart here and there...Without even a knowledge that I was doing it or an ability to stop it. I was told to guard my heart, but not ever given specific avenues on how to do that. And because of this, I am now having to pick up the pieces of a badly beaten heart. Now I have to present those pieces to the One who created my heart in the first place, like a little girl who has just broken her mom's precious vase, so that it can be pieced back together.
And the more daunting aspect that I am now faced with is this question:
Am I willing to rest in the pains of my past benefiting another woman?
Ouch, right? There is no black and white with this one. It's another grey area. On one side, there is the beauty that he is a better man because of what he learned in the painful circumstances with you. On the other side, your heart got broken.
And yet, in that question, I find that I feel incredibly close to Jesus. The pain of my heart benefits someone who might not even have a knowledge that it happened or that this is why things are the way they are. It is simply an innate circumstance to them.
There is freedom in that for me.
Recently, I've been playing an ugly game of wack-a-mole with experiences and hurts in my past. One by one, they are being drudged to the surface and one by one, I'm having to recognize, analyze, and legitimize (which has, coincidentally or not, lead to a lot of exercise too. ---hey! it's a near rhyme. I was close.)
So this involves seeing that these things in the closet exist, analyzing the effect and causes of them and then dealing with them in the present and all of the things that it has affected. This has lead to a lot of freedom with some things but a lot more of a nauseated feeling within my stomach.
A lot of it, being the girl that I am, has to do with histories with guys. Friends...past boyfriends...past almost-boyfriends... You name it: If he could grow a five o'clock shadow, I'm dealing with it now.
I am realizing that forgiveness is something that I have to chose to do on a regular basis until it becomes a lifestyle. But that lifestyle looks differently for every situation, so right now, it's just way too much thinking and I am a bit overwhelmed with it. I have one good success story, so there is actually a standard to set the others against.
I am learning the significance of that ever-present but ever-foreign concept of "guarding your heart." What the crap does this even mean, right? Well. I now have an answer for you. Without even realizing it at points, I was able to give away little chunks of my heart here and there...Without even a knowledge that I was doing it or an ability to stop it. I was told to guard my heart, but not ever given specific avenues on how to do that. And because of this, I am now having to pick up the pieces of a badly beaten heart. Now I have to present those pieces to the One who created my heart in the first place, like a little girl who has just broken her mom's precious vase, so that it can be pieced back together.
And the more daunting aspect that I am now faced with is this question:
Am I willing to rest in the pains of my past benefiting another woman?
Ouch, right? There is no black and white with this one. It's another grey area. On one side, there is the beauty that he is a better man because of what he learned in the painful circumstances with you. On the other side, your heart got broken.
And yet, in that question, I find that I feel incredibly close to Jesus. The pain of my heart benefits someone who might not even have a knowledge that it happened or that this is why things are the way they are. It is simply an innate circumstance to them.
There is freedom in that for me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
panic sets in
Alright.
If this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I am going to be an emotional wreck in about 2 more weeks...
Still more affirmation that I should be moving. It just keeps coming. Cool.
Realizing more and more what I'm leaving and the situation I'll be putting myself in:
t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g.
My friends up here are amazing.
My family is amazing.
I could get a job in a non-profit and I'm sure be fat and happy.
But I couldn't.
The risk involved is great. I'm pretty sure I will wake up at least 3 days out of a week wondering why I made the decision. I have no idea what I'm doing as far as teaching is concerned. I am throwing myself into the rhetorical snake pit here. What chance do I have to make it out alive when there are snakes with fangs dripping with venom all around me?
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
I think I am just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. A lot is going on right now. A lot is moving really fast. What is weird is that, usually, I'm the one who dives in head first without looking back. But this time, I am nauseated when I look forward and nauseated when I look back.
Pastor Chris gave a sermon about Hannah and 1 Samuel on Sunday. At first, I didn't get it. I sat through the sermon. I went the rest of Sunday evening and through Monday night pondering what made Hannah so great. Sure, she gave up a son. So what? Plenty of mothers did it throughout Biblical history. So why was Hannah so special?
And then it dawned on me. Hannah was special because having a child was who she was. Samuel was her life. And she gave it to God. With high amounts of pain, I'm sure, but she did it willingly. She gave up who she was for the sake of the Kingdom. And from her willing heart, Samuel grew up, anointed King David, from which came the lineage that lead to Jesus.
No small feat... And apparently that is what God does with a willing heart.
So the question remains:
Am I willing to give up myself and who I am? Am I willing to stick my money where my mouth is?
Good gosh, I hope so.
If this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I am going to be an emotional wreck in about 2 more weeks...
Still more affirmation that I should be moving. It just keeps coming. Cool.
Realizing more and more what I'm leaving and the situation I'll be putting myself in:
t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g.
My friends up here are amazing.
My family is amazing.
I could get a job in a non-profit and I'm sure be fat and happy.
But I couldn't.
The risk involved is great. I'm pretty sure I will wake up at least 3 days out of a week wondering why I made the decision. I have no idea what I'm doing as far as teaching is concerned. I am throwing myself into the rhetorical snake pit here. What chance do I have to make it out alive when there are snakes with fangs dripping with venom all around me?
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
I think I am just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. A lot is going on right now. A lot is moving really fast. What is weird is that, usually, I'm the one who dives in head first without looking back. But this time, I am nauseated when I look forward and nauseated when I look back.
Pastor Chris gave a sermon about Hannah and 1 Samuel on Sunday. At first, I didn't get it. I sat through the sermon. I went the rest of Sunday evening and through Monday night pondering what made Hannah so great. Sure, she gave up a son. So what? Plenty of mothers did it throughout Biblical history. So why was Hannah so special?
And then it dawned on me. Hannah was special because having a child was who she was. Samuel was her life. And she gave it to God. With high amounts of pain, I'm sure, but she did it willingly. She gave up who she was for the sake of the Kingdom. And from her willing heart, Samuel grew up, anointed King David, from which came the lineage that lead to Jesus.
No small feat... And apparently that is what God does with a willing heart.
So the question remains:
Am I willing to give up myself and who I am? Am I willing to stick my money where my mouth is?
Good gosh, I hope so.
Monday, January 26, 2009
A Decision and a Doubt
Mom and Dad, If you are reading this, stop now...
Last week, I made the final decision (99% sure) that I will be moving to New Orleans this summer. Depending on if I get the teaching fellowship that I want, I will either leave in June or in August.
You may be thinking, "What?? Where did this come from?" But the reality is, I have been thinking about it for a while. It was on the top of my list for Teach for America (which I didn't get) and as I began to plan the trip in March for CAM more, my heart just kind of broke for this city. I was down there last March and saw first hand that it is a city that is in dire straights and just needs people down there pouring into it. And specifically the neighborhood that we worked in, and will be working in, Central City. New Orleans is now considered the most crime-ridden city in the U.S. and Central City is the considered the most dangerous neighborhood in that city. But, having some friends down there, and a heart for it and a knowledge that the Kingdom of God is in our hearts and the way that it comes is by people going into the world to bring it. As hearts accept Christ, the Kingdom spreads. Redemption is possible.
So I was flying pretty high there for a while on that decision.
And then I started to think about what this actually means. I started to think selfishly about saying goodbye to my family and my friends and moving 18 hours away from anything I have ever known. I thought about leaving the changes in seasons that I love so much for a humid climate. And I thought about my personal safety. Here is an article that I stumbled across while reading some of the news down there today:
http://www.wdsu.com/news/18455053/detail.html
How in the world is this even possible? How could someone slit the throat of their child to get out of paying child support??? I read about shooting after shooting. And I am terrified. I am a girl. I am from a small town. What chance do I have??
And yet, if I don't go, I will be missing out on what I feel that God has called me to. I have always known that I would never live a normal life. I will never have nice cars and that big house in suburbia. I would hate that.
But I also never expected to be here.
But I guess this is where we separate the boys from the men, so to speak. Am I willing to put everything on the line for what I believe in? Am I willing to put my money where my mouth is and love people, even if it kills me? I want to know that I would and will. God has blessed me (or cursed me...I supposed depending on how you look at it) with a willing heart. And it is going to take me into the most challenging situation I could possibly imagine.
And yet, I know it will be a beautiful experience that will teach me how to trust and love God more.
So. 6 months...
Last week, I made the final decision (99% sure) that I will be moving to New Orleans this summer. Depending on if I get the teaching fellowship that I want, I will either leave in June or in August.
You may be thinking, "What?? Where did this come from?" But the reality is, I have been thinking about it for a while. It was on the top of my list for Teach for America (which I didn't get) and as I began to plan the trip in March for CAM more, my heart just kind of broke for this city. I was down there last March and saw first hand that it is a city that is in dire straights and just needs people down there pouring into it. And specifically the neighborhood that we worked in, and will be working in, Central City. New Orleans is now considered the most crime-ridden city in the U.S. and Central City is the considered the most dangerous neighborhood in that city. But, having some friends down there, and a heart for it and a knowledge that the Kingdom of God is in our hearts and the way that it comes is by people going into the world to bring it. As hearts accept Christ, the Kingdom spreads. Redemption is possible.
So I was flying pretty high there for a while on that decision.
And then I started to think about what this actually means. I started to think selfishly about saying goodbye to my family and my friends and moving 18 hours away from anything I have ever known. I thought about leaving the changes in seasons that I love so much for a humid climate. And I thought about my personal safety. Here is an article that I stumbled across while reading some of the news down there today:
http://www.wdsu.com/news/18455053/detail.html
How in the world is this even possible? How could someone slit the throat of their child to get out of paying child support??? I read about shooting after shooting. And I am terrified. I am a girl. I am from a small town. What chance do I have??
And yet, if I don't go, I will be missing out on what I feel that God has called me to. I have always known that I would never live a normal life. I will never have nice cars and that big house in suburbia. I would hate that.
But I also never expected to be here.
But I guess this is where we separate the boys from the men, so to speak. Am I willing to put everything on the line for what I believe in? Am I willing to put my money where my mouth is and love people, even if it kills me? I want to know that I would and will. God has blessed me (or cursed me...I supposed depending on how you look at it) with a willing heart. And it is going to take me into the most challenging situation I could possibly imagine.
And yet, I know it will be a beautiful experience that will teach me how to trust and love God more.
So. 6 months...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Jasmine Tea on a [Fake] Spring Day
I woke up this morning and it was sunny. That wasn't that out of the ordinary. Appreciated, but not incredible.
But then I walked outside to my car to go pick up Kate...
It was warmer. The snow was slushy and making my pants wet. And there was a sound that I haven't heard for months...wait for it....
birds chirping.
yes.
There were birds singing as if it were the break of spring. And I could help but feel relief. Even though I know there is still a good solid 2 months of winter left, it was a
Welp.
It's been a little while since I sat down to write anything. I feel like life has thrown me some curve balls lately and it's been interesting.
the rest of this was typed out but then blogger went down. i had a whole conversation typed out about me telling my dad some pretty big news.
but now i'm lazy and don't want to retype it.
so. you'll have to wait.
But then I walked outside to my car to go pick up Kate...
It was warmer. The snow was slushy and making my pants wet. And there was a sound that I haven't heard for months...wait for it....
birds chirping.
yes.
There were birds singing as if it were the break of spring. And I could help but feel relief. Even though I know there is still a good solid 2 months of winter left, it was a
Welp.
It's been a little while since I sat down to write anything. I feel like life has thrown me some curve balls lately and it's been interesting.
the rest of this was typed out but then blogger went down. i had a whole conversation typed out about me telling my dad some pretty big news.
but now i'm lazy and don't want to retype it.
so. you'll have to wait.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
January is not a good time for extroverts
The sun was out for a bit today, so I stayed outside and did some things to my car that needed to get done after getting back from my run. The run was an attempt to get some energy. It usually helps but today, I'm not sure what happened. Within a few minutes of getting back, I was tired again. January just does this to me in general. February too. In December, winter is still new and exciting and I love it. January/February is the time when it gets a little too cold to do much outside. March promises spring.
The thing I've always liked least about January is that it seems to be the loneliest month of the year. Logistically, students leave, people aren't outside, everyone is cold and lazy. But being someone who really thrives off of being around people, this really gets to me. Especially now that I live with less people and more people leave.
It would be fine if it made me want to get work done, but it makes me pretty lethargic too. I spare time that I have has been getting spent on..well...not much at all. I've been researching a lot of new music, which has been good. But reading makes me more tired and writing has been like pulling teeth because I simply don't want to think.
Maybe I need something new and exciting to pull me out of this? It's just a little bit of a slump. It'll pass.
We checked out the Chris Koza show last night and celebrated Steph's birthday. Good times, although it was really crowded in there, which wasn't like the other shows of his that we've been to. I was slightly annoyed with the territorial girls standing next to Reina and I but we trudged through it and managed to really enjoy the show. I wish he would have played longer, though. It simply wasn't enough!
Little Evangeline is here. Gotta love that. :)
I've had a lot of passing thoughts lately. It's weird. It's like these really deep, difficult to think about things, but I'm too lazy to really think more about them. I have a feeling that they're all connected but I don't feel like making the connections. I'm positive this is a bad idea and I should start up with it.
I'm also positive that I should be writing more and writing with intention instead of all of this rambling crap. Could 2009 be the year of the book? Who knows. I have nothing permanent on the agenda yet.
I find out about my 2nd round for Teach for America on Tuesday. I'm nervous. But it'll be good. I think either way, I won't be in Madison next year. I need to get out. Move around. Do something. There's just not enough here right now to convince me otherwise and I feel like there's something bigger out there. I just wish I had a clue what that was.
Anyhow, I really should be reading my chapter assignment for Tuesday and working on some other stuff.
Procrastination: 1. Rae: 0.
The thing I've always liked least about January is that it seems to be the loneliest month of the year. Logistically, students leave, people aren't outside, everyone is cold and lazy. But being someone who really thrives off of being around people, this really gets to me. Especially now that I live with less people and more people leave.
It would be fine if it made me want to get work done, but it makes me pretty lethargic too. I spare time that I have has been getting spent on..well...not much at all. I've been researching a lot of new music, which has been good. But reading makes me more tired and writing has been like pulling teeth because I simply don't want to think.
Maybe I need something new and exciting to pull me out of this? It's just a little bit of a slump. It'll pass.
We checked out the Chris Koza show last night and celebrated Steph's birthday. Good times, although it was really crowded in there, which wasn't like the other shows of his that we've been to. I was slightly annoyed with the territorial girls standing next to Reina and I but we trudged through it and managed to really enjoy the show. I wish he would have played longer, though. It simply wasn't enough!
Little Evangeline is here. Gotta love that. :)
I've had a lot of passing thoughts lately. It's weird. It's like these really deep, difficult to think about things, but I'm too lazy to really think more about them. I have a feeling that they're all connected but I don't feel like making the connections. I'm positive this is a bad idea and I should start up with it.
I'm also positive that I should be writing more and writing with intention instead of all of this rambling crap. Could 2009 be the year of the book? Who knows. I have nothing permanent on the agenda yet.
I find out about my 2nd round for Teach for America on Tuesday. I'm nervous. But it'll be good. I think either way, I won't be in Madison next year. I need to get out. Move around. Do something. There's just not enough here right now to convince me otherwise and I feel like there's something bigger out there. I just wish I had a clue what that was.
Anyhow, I really should be reading my chapter assignment for Tuesday and working on some other stuff.
Procrastination: 1. Rae: 0.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
wisdom from a 5 year old girl
Today wasn't one of my better days. I was tired from not really having slept because I was distraught over a situation. And the worry over the situation carried into today. It was one of those days where I wore a hoody and kept up the hood for the first 4 hours of the day. I just wanted to burrow and crawl into my place, but luckily I didn't. So the work that I've been putting into pushing throw my emotions that usually cause me to shut down is paying off a little. Which is good. It has not been easy. I just am just a really deep feeler, and that's just fine, but I need to function in the world still.
Anyway, I made it through coffee break and a 3 hour meeting with Becca and Kate to talk about the next couple of weeks and what needs to get done...and to tear a book apart that we all are not liking, but are reading together as staff. Got quite a bit done for the New Orleans trip...and then headed off to tutoring, really really tired and definitely not feeling like being there. Emotion shown through, as it always does...and then turned up a little when I found out my sister was in labor with my new little niece. (# freakin 9 on the niece/nephew front).
But the reality of coming back to tutoring and the fact that I still have no idea what I'm doing sunk in to real ramifications because I turned in my application for Teach For America on Saturday. YAY! But cripes. What am I thinking? And yet. I've never wanted to do anything more. It comes from a deep spot in me, which sounds horribly corny. It's the same spot that gives me excitement when I talk about Local Impact stuff and getting college students excited about the idea of serving in their community. Same spot. Different things. Well...not really?
Anyway, so tutoring..
I ran a girl down the road to a meeting she needed to be at and when I got back, everyone was eating dinner in the other room. But Jasmine, the 5 year old daughter of the woman who cooks our dinners for the program, was eating Tuna Helper by herself at the table. So I sat down next to her and started asking her about her Christmas. She humored me for a little while but then stopped and looked at me.
Then she said "Your skin looks like white chocolate." (Jasmine is, although a handful at times--what 5 year old isn't?--, a beautiful little black girl.)
I smiled and asked, "Is that ok?"
She stopped for a little minute...long enough for me to wonder what her answer would be. Then she said, "Yeeeeah...."
She went back to eating her dinner and I looked down at the table, taking in the beauty of the situation that had just occurred and how much it had just come directly out of some sort of ridiculous inspiring movie about the success of integration.
And then, while still looking down at her plate and eating, she said these little words of wisdom:
"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
I had a hard time containing the laugh. It was adorable. And then the reality of what she had said set in. Here she was. A 5 year old girl with incredibly more wisdom that the 24 year old sitting in front of her.
If that doesn't humble you, I don't know what will...
Anyway, I made it through coffee break and a 3 hour meeting with Becca and Kate to talk about the next couple of weeks and what needs to get done...and to tear a book apart that we all are not liking, but are reading together as staff. Got quite a bit done for the New Orleans trip...and then headed off to tutoring, really really tired and definitely not feeling like being there. Emotion shown through, as it always does...and then turned up a little when I found out my sister was in labor with my new little niece. (# freakin 9 on the niece/nephew front).
But the reality of coming back to tutoring and the fact that I still have no idea what I'm doing sunk in to real ramifications because I turned in my application for Teach For America on Saturday. YAY! But cripes. What am I thinking? And yet. I've never wanted to do anything more. It comes from a deep spot in me, which sounds horribly corny. It's the same spot that gives me excitement when I talk about Local Impact stuff and getting college students excited about the idea of serving in their community. Same spot. Different things. Well...not really?
Anyway, so tutoring..
I ran a girl down the road to a meeting she needed to be at and when I got back, everyone was eating dinner in the other room. But Jasmine, the 5 year old daughter of the woman who cooks our dinners for the program, was eating Tuna Helper by herself at the table. So I sat down next to her and started asking her about her Christmas. She humored me for a little while but then stopped and looked at me.
Then she said "Your skin looks like white chocolate." (Jasmine is, although a handful at times--what 5 year old isn't?--, a beautiful little black girl.)
I smiled and asked, "Is that ok?"
She stopped for a little minute...long enough for me to wonder what her answer would be. Then she said, "Yeeeeah...."
She went back to eating her dinner and I looked down at the table, taking in the beauty of the situation that had just occurred and how much it had just come directly out of some sort of ridiculous inspiring movie about the success of integration.
And then, while still looking down at her plate and eating, she said these little words of wisdom:
"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
I had a hard time containing the laugh. It was adorable. And then the reality of what she had said set in. Here she was. A 5 year old girl with incredibly more wisdom that the 24 year old sitting in front of her.
If that doesn't humble you, I don't know what will...
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