Explosive-isms

There are so many things happening within my head right now that I feel like a 300 pound person is sitting directly on my chest, pushing all the pressure to my head and soon it will explode.

Interestingly enough, just last week I was thinking that I hadn't been thinking in my normal process mode lately and that I missed that.  Vanessa, my roommate, used to say that when I was on the brink of something huge, some major revelation, that my eyes used to dart around the room like I was seeing things for the very first time.  I hadn't had that dizzy, exhausted feeling that I get with that recently and, to tell you the truth, I kind of missed it.  Innately, I am a learner and when I go through times of relative calm, I miss who I am when I'm learning.  And yet, when I'm learning, I yearn for that period of impostor serenity.

I literally had a nervous physical reaction to the things that were happening in my mind today.  I got shaky and felt a little like I had just gotten off of a ride at Great America.  You know, the feeling of adrenaline pumping through your veins and like you are going to throw up a little bit.  But all at the same time, unbelievably excited about what just happened.  

I feel like I'm standing on the brink of something huge again.  And if I just pay a little bit closer attention, I'm going to figure it out.  But as far as I can see right now, I can't see anything.  Kind of like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon but realizing that there is a wall built up right there.  You can still hear what's going on, so you have a clue that there is something HUGE beyond--just inches--from where you are standing.  But inevitably, the wall is too high to jump up to see over, too thick to kick through (and aside from that, if you did kick through, you run the risk of falling right off the edge).  But the wall is vibrating, ready to crumble at any moment right in front of you, revealing the mystery of what has been building up the anticipation in you.  

That is where I am at.  It's so good.  But I'm so incredibly terrified.  

See, I'm not sure what will come to fruition at the end of all of this.  I'm not sure what I'll have to leave behind me.  I'm not sure what will be put in front of me.   All I can do is trust in Goodness and give up.