*Be warned...this is probably going to end up being a fairly typical girl, pessimistic entry*
**Also, know that this is not at all my normal pattern of thinking but it's crappy and cold outside and I'm in the mood to be like this.
I made the mistake once of looking at pictures of the ex of the person in which i was interested. Have you ever done that? You know that feeling you get when you do that? The one that makes you realize that you will never be/look like that? That's kind of what life in general feels like right now.
Doubts are absorbing into my mind like that baseball sank into that woman's rolls at the Brewer's game last night. (Mean? Let me be. I'm cranky.) As much as I really don't believe it, I feel like I'm not amounting to much right now. I have a degree from one of the best public schools in America and I'm sitting on it. I'm not doing anything with it. I probably never will. Sure, there's all sorts of things I *could* do with it. But as of yet, nothing tangible.
I realize that the second I type this, I'm going to get emails and phone calls saying that I'm ridiculous and that everyone has struggles and trials, but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway:
Why couldn't I have just been one of those girls that is amazingly talented and smart and beautiful that has it all figured out and that everyone wants to marry and is ok with the idea of being married? I mean, how many friends do I have right now like this? And it's true. They're incredible. I get nervous when I am around them...that is how incredible they are.
And then there's me: the over-analyzing girl, remotely awkward looking girl who's stuck somewhere between the ages of 13 and 24. Sure, I've got my moments of wit and intuitiveness, but when it comes down to it, my life is not applicable.
Sure, I'm having a pity party right now. Deal with it. I will sulk in the corner until I am good and done.
Ok. I'm done. I'm going to play frisbee.
And I'm ridiculous.
1 comment:
Haha, pessimistic post indeed. Yes, you are being ridiculous. But, I can't be too hard on you for that, because I suspect that I may be more frequently more ridiculous. Even though I don't plan on sitting on my degree once I get it, I still have to fight off sometimes intense self-condemnation that suggests I'll never amount to anything whatsoever at all, especially since I'll probably just waste all my talent through being content with unambitious plans. (Ask me about my plans sometime, they are pretty silly, from a certain perspective). Anyway, rather than argue with you on things you could try to debate me on, I'll just provide this passive evidence of your value, your worth: despite the ravages of time and distance, I still think our friendship is worth the investment, and I don't see that changing any time soon. And I am no social butterfly -- I have a lot of acquaintances, but I can only manage to maintain good friendships with a small group of people, so, you're on my short list. That's all I have to say about that. You can't argue with that, haha, cause it's FACT.
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